Sean's -- the first Vampire....

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last night the pain in the body forced the words from the spirit...the words are free now - like wild animals...like children...who will run through the world changing everything...


july 2 06

>>> light can not be stopped...

the dust of angel wings...
coating me -- transforming my heart into another light...healing and soothing...
the word - the symbols we have - these are tiny compared to the oceans of light -- the caress of something heavenly...
the glow and luminosity...like stars playing...
like children running free...changing everything...

the gardens full of color and life and the sun waking each flower and tree - yes !
iam your food and love - and all of the humans soothed by the gentle breezes - exposing the true beauty of everything - everywhere...
light can not be stopped...
no - it can not...
the edges of beauty - the fringes of torment...
no - not even these can be stopped..
all contained within my eyes...
the beauty of light -
the torment of darkness...
all within my eyes...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>



restraint...

the is not a sad story.
it is not a story with a happy ending...
whatever you find between these pages i think youll agree that we are all finding the boundaries of our limits...
the limits of our bodies and psyches...
the limits can be exceeded.
this is a story of finding those limits and then experiencing the netherworld of what comes after them....
the body is fragile - >
the soul durable and eternal...
the spirit renewable...
it is my hope and wish that you are reminded of these things while you read my story...
it is my hope that you find those limits within - and know there is more beyond that.

icarus

how deeply those who saw your flight loved thee...until you were gone...

i dared...to be clean. to be happy. to cheat satan.
I wanted to be loved...on my own terms...

i dared to stand in the center of erotic love and touch it's power. i usurped it's healing balm for a time...affirming - light upon light come unto me...

i dared to ask for immortality and peace at the same time...

every night the delicious grey demons knocked on the door of my slumbers but i shunned them and there offers to dance in the moonlight...
instead favoring the arms of mortals...and their lustful delights...

each night a new and stronger man containing more light would enter offering to drink the wine...i drank it with abandon and danced in front of the demons and angels --
the devil may care...
this caused them to howl with glee and take note of me...
the simple clue to my demise would dictate that demons could only be attracted to one with such a light about him...
and so...
they allowed me to taste the food of the god's -- bath in the nectar...
all the while the angels felt jealousy...
and the mortals feared for me and cried in awe...

little did i know i was upsetting the delicate balance of heaven and earth...

all too soon i began to dream of flying higher...

the angels around me could not protect me from my own yearnings...which grew...
i ran - and prepared
to fly...
with all my deformities and the lead of my heart
i still had the wonderous dreams of flying...

i could not resist. standing near the edge...
contemplating...and then daring god to stop me...

i jumped.
god did not stop me...

a warmth reserved only for the departed soon enveloped me and then a pause...
quiet. stillness. all movement ceased and...
i began to fall....
from the grace of something cooler that would have allowed me to stay...

all the beautiful bodies pouring out of me like ashes...the eternal gazes into divinity and the rembrance of them would be my punishment...
the torment that i would never see again...

the beauty i touched would never be pure again...
soaring higher -- and then a pause...
falling from the brilliance...
scattering my wings into the ocean below...
i hit the surface...into the cold and clear...
traveling to the bottom...
my story begins...in descent...

the surface calm shattered: the glassy waters
opened and swallowed me with delight...

the horizon above could only whisper that i had been there: holding me as it were only then to release me and fall evermore...
slow and floating within the icy liquid - freezing my hope...my lifeforce...my blood -
my wings gone...


had i died at this point it would have been splendid, i could have entered the realm of legends...but this was not to be...
instead...
a new darkness began...
my punishment is to recant the tale...
to live in the memory --
of wanting to be touched by god...

now my only hope - being spared, is that i have earned the eyes of wisdom...
mangled as i'am...but that is for you to decide...
repenting here...is not a chore...
it is my destin
y...
my repentance is simply that i' am and was lucky to be chosen andit is here that i give thanks to god for he/she made the demons that seduced me and the angels that healed me...

if one be healed by my new presence then i can be redeemed and surface once more with the "gold" of knowledge...

it is you who can remove my shackles...and allow me to carry the quiet torch.
glowing as i'am...pure and warm..
>>>>>>>>

snatched up from the abyss so long ago...



july 5th 06

living in the solution...

2am

>>>i flew too close to the light i wanted to touch - it almost destroyed me --
and yet iam here now -- all my brilliance like food for you - for your eyes...
the smoke of your wanting -- encirlces and enters...pervades the room...burns another memory for me to save...
surrounded by the water of your kindness in the room that you gave me...
holding me safe...
the power contained in your embrace astounding.
the deformities in love are revealed...until perfection seeks me...
the whsipering night, cool ever cool...
gentle dreams -
now is the time that my poetry flows freely -
youthful - caught in the storm...
for now i must hold the hand of my muse...
she is seducing and loves - she is seducing me to dreams...she touches my forhead like no other...
she is fine and pure...
to whither in her arms would be an honor
if you were to look upon her you would not see beauty... by her need to love me..iam inspired
to make me strong for her words...
the pain of all the curses she endures...not even the rain can wash away her presence...
and still she favors me above all --
by reason or doubt - she consoles in the morninghour...is jealous of a world that could touch me...and i must admit that i love only her...

the pain of being touched is the misery that forces the words from the hands...
the music from the eyes...

how i became worthy i will never know...
and yet iam washed clean everytime...

the torment of her absence makes me more in love...


>>>the first guy who taught me --
maybe it was a dream - a dream of long ago --
the spike bar...late eighties...
saturday night. the bar is packed...around 10 pm.
I'am standing at the bar, near the front door.
i'am trying to relax - to cruise - be seen. i want to touch. have attention. smile and nod. my eyes are everywhere...i feel stares over me. it all feels good and forbidden at once...
the first few times your in the spike bar you know your in the epi-center of testoserone, lust and alcoholism...of a thousand unspoken dreams, all of these men: once tortured and closeted boys now come here to the watering-hole of freedom...
sexual freedom. to look now with eyes unguarded. to feel the brush of skin. meet the eyes. men circling. the smells of leather, man funk, sweat, sex. beer. cigarettes and pain and ecstasy...all swirling around you...
i was 26 at that time. i must have been a sight. ripped jeans. simple black t-shirt. oh so clean and bright...life in my eyes...looking around in awe...

it wasn't long before i was snatched up...
i was a begginer. here was a pro, sliding into the space of my chest and shoulders. he simply appeared. i looked up unguarded. my eyes soft and trusting and wanting him to show me all the secrets. give me the entre' into this strange new
world of carnal delights. secret passwords and dark locations...i wanted to have my iniciation. if this man in front of me was the one to do it and he choose me then i was ready...i was ready for something...

he smiles and remains silent. he is tall...wearing a t-shirt and jeans. his eyes are glossed over a bit from a few beers. his smile is knowing. iam his prey - for now...he can do whatever he wants. i want to rest my head on his chestand he can see this in my eyes...he pulls me into his arms and strokes my back with a powerful hand.

he was bigger than me in so many ways. he knew all there was to know about this place - the men who wandered the streets outside, the boys playing in the bathroom shaking and waving their dicks around,
knew all the pass-codes and doorways to knock on...
he nods and smiles and takes my wrist and looks into my eyes. looks down into me. iam enveloped by his aura of sex and knowing and masculinity:
his eyes said: "your mine."
i was. i was fresh and pure..

a babe in arms...what would he do with me?
he didn't have to speak...neither did i. it was all obvious...
he takes my wrist and i meet his eyes...he gently pulls my wrist down - underneath the bar...and smiles...my eyes widen...the men circling the bar...the crush-groove of looking and trying to see...we are surrounded and protected by the moving bodies...
my eyes widen...his hard cock is out of his pants...
his balls and dick exposed through his unbuttoned fly...the top button on his levis is done though - this makes the blood rush faster into his phallus and hold it hard.

he brings my hand to his member and makes sure i wrap my hand around it to gauge its girth and hardness...then he pats my hand and nods his head again...and smiles the smile i surely will never forget -
his piercing blue eyes clear and warm...
his cock warm...
the heat from his chest warm...
pumping his warmth into me - into my heart.
he smiles that smile...
i grip his cock --
does he want me to suck it ?
maybe in the bar ?
taste the pre-cum oozing steadily from the head?

i explore the length and smoothness of it - trying to take it all in...a body is behind me. men surround me, his penis seems so nice and i ache for it - ache to see it with my eyes...taste it. i will do whatever he commands.
gladly drop to my knees and suck him off. let him fuck me at the bar while standing there...undetected, no one could know, no one would care. my own dick sprang alive:
quick and firm and then became so hard: it knotted my staomche...

i wanted him to turn me around and maybe shove down my pants and slide his cock head up against my butt -
he had other plans....

he winks. "leans his head to the door. "lets go outside..."
soon we are on a side street. in the privacy of the dark - alone - standing against a wall in between two parked semi-truck trailors. no one could disturb us or find us...

he leans against the wall. same smile. same nod of the head. same eyes looking down. i know what i want to do. i lift up his shirt to expose his perfect overbuilt and hairless pecs...
a masculine and distinctly male smell emmanates from his torso and arm pits...
i lay me head onto his chest for a minute and become still...he allows me to stay there knowing how much iam in his trance...his hands undo his jeans now and his cock still hard flies lazily forward and i touch it again...as if an eternity has passed between now and the last time i felt it...

now the ache ever growing. he allows me to find my way...my mouth waters...and i bend to my knees at his crotch...and take the head into my mouth.

the pre-cum is sweet and i taste it slowly...
it truly is like a cream i could never have imagined...sticky - warm...like life...
and then i open my throat to accept as much of him as i can.

i grip the sides of his waist hard holding to gain leverage.
he rubs the top of my head and pulls my head toward his belly as if he now owns me - all of me.
i'am captured forever in his eyes- his smell. his taste. the size and hardness was everything i felt it would be...thick and full. to this day i havent tasted a finer man's cock or cum...
iam melting into him...disrupted momentarily by his hands leaving the top of my head to undo my pants and grab my own cock - once with a sure grip...then satisfied there is stillness...
his hands lift up my shirt - slide down my lower back to push down my jeans, my butt exposed to the night. the air hits my asshole as he spreads my cheeks apart with technique of a pro...opening, exposing, sucking, kneeling, worshipping, tasting: his hands hold my ass firm and still pulling my cheeks apart wider once more until the inner core of my hole begins to know and swell and ache further...
there is stillness and then one of his fingers taps lightly and then crawls into my hole...inches its way inside...
i relax. and arch and move...

he forces his other hand to my chin and slides his finger into my mouth and i suck on it...then he removes it and this finger finds its way down into my hole also...deeper. wet from my own mouth...

iam light headed. falling - flying...the alcohol from his body wafting into me mixing with the heat-
the pleasure he is giving me...showing me - teaching me to have for his delight...touching my virgin hole, the scared space of my manhood behind my balls...
the place that was a treasure to him - he holds his finger inside and presses hard until i grip around it...he finds a space inside of me - it buzzes - opens everything....
my hole...open the tender luscious light exposed and spilling out..."aww god..."

iam still sucking his cock slow and easy...i lift slightly and move to allow him to go deeper...
which he does...
i moan to the point of climax....
he is holding me in every way a man can...
by instinct i began to furiously jack my own cock...and then...fast --
he shoots a hot stream of jizz down my throat. my body shakes in upheaval. quivers and racks in pleasure...
he holds me down.
he makes me swallow as much of his cream as i can and then staying there - he remains hard -- i brush his shaft againt my cheek...
i descend...fall to my knees...and know: now he is forever my god...
i wish to be closer and thank him...world exploding inside of me...all the channels full of light and pleasure...

he pulls me up and kisses me hard and deep and long...iam his rag-doll limp and intoxicated...

then without warning he pushes me back away from him and then stares...to solidify the wound in my neck...to pierce me one last time with his stare...
tatto his name and image onto me...to say -- "forever - your mine"
- he takes his fingers to his nose...and breathes in the smell from my fresh young ass...judges it fine indeed...by the faint smile of approval.
i wait.
another deep savoring of the gift my hole gave and wrapped onto him...
he smiles. "yeah - your hot."
then he pushes me away. puts his hand flat onto the center of my chest and pushes me away.
"your fucking hot." betraying that he felt me worthy...

when you want it - you know where to find me..."

my hole forever his...
there would alsways be a small part of me that could only be satisfied by him...he made sure of this..

how many times i dreamed that he fucked me - that he took me home. kissed me longer. let me smell his arm - pits...
get fucked in the alley where we stood...
how many streets i wandered trying to conjure him again..
always his eyes watching me. watching what i will do with his hole...

everything begins with him...the first bite. the one who made me...was strong enough to keep me all these years...his spell so clear in my body it never dissipated...

he is the one.
he choose me.

every other man is pale compared to him.
the head vampire.
the most powerful.
the warmest and biggest cock...
i dream of him every night...
his eyes follow me and never leave...
it is him i see in the fever-dream of my conversions...
his arms wrapped around me in the transformation...
his sublime blood and delicious juice inspiring my change...

surging forever now through my soul...
his power is my power - iam beholden and his brethen - in his coven...
his power gave me the strength to survive..what is happening to me now...in the dark-light of becomming the "new bred" i pray he is proud of me -
like father to son...only he can hold me - heal me or destroy me...iam for him alone.

to this day he instructs me and i never forget his eyes...
in comparison through the years he was not kind nor angry...he was warm and powerful...
always warm and powerful...

iam his.
the bond only stronger...
he is the beginning...
the head of the coven...
he would be proud of all the fine men i brought into the fold...
he is the origin of all heat within me...
he loosened the knot in my soul..
put me in his cage - but freed me to the world...
he was my lestat. iam his louis...

he started my fire.
i will always long for him...

sean