sean's Blue Pajamas - part four

my blue pajamas -- part four -- to post to blog >>>> final draft


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my blue pajamas - Part four
"suicide - the ultimate ride..."

yeah - i wrote that first poem, -- around16 years old...
high on cocaine...
knowing that if i did just a few more hits...that my heart would slow down and stop...
my heart was racing - i was writing...and the words just fell onto the page...
"suicide: the ultimate ride..."
my first real, poem was a suicide note - ah, or something like it...high on coke....doing lines at my desk in my bedroom: my parents house...
then everything slowed down.
i stepped right up to the precipice of death...
ready to jump into the next realm --
my heart leveling to a slow beat...
everything was kind of coated in a white-ish, silver haze...
i said to myself: "is this it???
this is it -- yes or no?" i asked myself....
then
i backed off and waited..maybe i went too far and it was too late...
I fell a sleep or something - i dunno, i don't remember...

>>>to be or not to be...?
one thing was certain...i wanted out...
had i grown up with well read parents - educated parents or even had a parent that was a "Witch" or "mystical"
like me, or a person around me that could advise me about the advanced kind of "emotional - psychic- mental"
transitions i was experiencing at that time they would have probably directed me to Shakespeare's famous text of "hamlet's..."
"to be or not to be..."
and asked me...
"ok tell us what your feeling right now"...
or: "ok. whats going on??"
or maybe,
"you have to learn to say or identify your feelings as: despair or hopelessness.." and then we can discuss them and let go of them..."
take away their power...
de-fuse them...



>>>"i wanna commit suicide..."
was all i could hash out in my thoughts...
the only internal language i had at that time was, a vague feeling of being trapped and wanting to run away...to just get away....
and i just translated that into;
"I wanna commit suicide..."

after writing the "ultimate ride..." and fearing I'd gone too far i crawled to bed and passed out --
i guess. i don't remember...
but the poem was evidence of my struggle...
>>>>>>>

about a week later at my dad's construction yard -
the back warehouse...
there was a crawl-space over the offices used as storage...it was the kinda "secret" place kids find to pull down there pants and show what they got and see what you've got.
jake...

my cousin - jake - was the one that showed me how to push the ladder up against the 14 foot wall and land into the crawl space and hang out...
the first time we went up there, of course, he pulled down his pants -- and ah pulled out, what i know realize, was one of the biggest dicks i would ever see in my life:
a true, fat - nine inch cock...
all floppy and half hard...he was totally proud it...like showing me: "look what i got..."
jake...
"take a look at this..." he remarked...
and
he wanted to see mine...
i pulled away a bit but then, well,
I undid my pants and i showed him...

I was about 6 or 7 years younger than jake...
i pulled mine out...
my dick got hard instantly...
jake just laughed at me for getting a boner...
and then looked my deep into the eyes, kinda like piercing me in a way....and it was like time stopped...

it was the first time i remember having an erection in front of another person: and that person turned out to be my cousin...jake...
Jake looked at me for a clean - hard minute...
and then bolted toward the ladder and crawled down it and disappeared for an hour or so somewhere in the construction yard which was easy to do...
there was a back lot filled with heavy duty equipment:
cement mixers that didn't work and were all rusted out --
there were also a few sheds for tools and a tractor that had been discarded but never hauled away...just like a junk area of the main yard....

I hadn't seen jason in a week or so...and hadn't had any cocaine for awhile...
i thought about jake sometimes...
he seemed strange to me, at times, and i didn't understand him or the fucked -up things he did...
He was 24.
he didn't have a girlfriend, he liked working on his car: a chevy "Nova" supper sport edition...and listening to: Bachman turner overdrive, and grand funk Railroad..."Were An american Band..."
he'd be like, playing "Air guitar" in the warehouse with his shirt off in the summer heat all excited and working on his car late at night
...and saying that he just wanted to hang out in the yard and fix this or that on his midnight blue nova....
he called it: "the blue devil...."
he was always staying at the yard after everyone left for home....
working on everything...fix something or "detail" his car to make it real nice...polish it all up and drive it around and go get some drive through food or something...
but...
there was always this thing about him - like you could never get him to just sit down and talk...or be calm for one minute...
jake was always jumping around or driving around or dancing around...and then he'd bolt -- and just disappeared and gone...
>>>>>>

ONE afternoon...my cousin jake was playing around with his new - "mini-bike..."
which basically was a tiny motorcycle - but it had no gears...if you took the brake off it hauled ass down the block...
jake called to me:
"hey Cmon - get on the min-bike and go for a ride..."
I said "No."
he started making fun of me -- saying i was a "pussy..."
and embarrassing me in front of the workers:
many of whom i had secret crushes on ...
all of which were totally hot, muscled, california good looking studs...some white - some black or mexican...all of them rowdy and rough and sexy as hell...
allot of them (everyday) shirtless: on the trucks... lifting bags of cements or just getting in from a job and swathed with dust and dirt, smelling like a guy smells after a hard days work...all tanned and smiling cuz the day was almost over...sometimes drinking beers in the yard and talking and cracking jokes...after al the trucks were loaded and serviced and parked for the night...

for a closeted 16 year old...
it was like a living hell and an untouchable heaven...
it was a living hell...
shirtless guys - all muscled and buffed from working out, from mixing cement all day and lifting the bags and carrying the ready made mortar in wheelbarrows to the job-sites...
and then loading up the trucks at night....
watching them all was like an inconceivable dream...
i didn't know and wasn't sure just why i stared at some of them more than others or even stared at all...
they were beautiful...i wanted to be close to them but really, didn't know why....
i guess everything was repressed...and
i couldn't act on my repressed feelings...
I mean really, i didn't even know what i wanted or wanted to do....but i just felt - like i wanted to ah - wrestle or hug them or yeah maybe kiss them...but i had no idea that i was "Queer" for them.....all those feelings....
I couldn't hold them in, didn't know what they were and was afraid that they might -- "Come out..."
No.
I couldn't hold them down much longer...
there was going to be an accident - an explosion -- or maybe i just had to die to escape it all...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
to question your existence is the first sign of emotional maturity...
spiritual yearning -- its the beginning of going off the "path" that everyone else is on and forging your own thoughts about life or your existence here --
about finding out who you really are -- examine deep thoughts and feelings about the cosmos and the universes within and with out: it was about questioning why you were here, and knowing maybe you had a choice in it all....

alone....

i was alone - with all of it...
i was alone...
(fuck) at 17 years old, i was done.
i was tired of living...
i had the weariness of an old man...but also the knowing of a sage...
yet
i lacked the internal language and dialogue at that time to be eloquent about what i was experiencing...

in another place or another time i would have found paint brushes to paint it -- an instrument of music to play it out -
i would have found a sport that i liked to move my energies into -- but it didn't happen -
i only had a pen and paper...
so thats what i used...

i would draw little comic-like faces in the side lines of my written thoughts but truly the first thing i went to was writing poems...
poetry is my first love...and always will be...
i kept journals and wrote in them when i was confused or scared...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


jake and the construction yard...
I was in the crawl-space pondering it all...then i heard jake calling for me...

"Cmon you fuckin PUSSY!"
"hey man!"
"every-bodies waiting to watch you ride the min-bike..."
jake called through the yard...and then upstairs where he knew i was hiding...
i emerged kind of shy and wondering what he wanted:
coaxed out of my day dreams by jake...
I went down the ladder, and then into the yard...

a crowd had gathered...
all the studs surrounded me...

((even back then i had the propensity to anorexia...but was well muscled -- from helping the guys stack their trucks at night with the 100 pound bags of cement...
my chest muscles were actually over-built and buffed but my presence was kinda shy and well, like that of a poet and healer: definitely not a fighter...
or a rough and tumble sort of guy like jake...

i shook my head, and came into the light of the sun from out of where we'd back up the trucks to work on them...
i was standing under the open air main machine shop....

i walked out slow sensing something was about to happen....
jake still kinda coaxing out -- like an animal thats going to pounce or something...kind of still and waving his hand -- like: "Cmere..."
i paced slowly and looked around the machine shop filled with huge red cases of wrenches and jack-hammers and pick - axes...that area always smelled of gasoline and oil and grease...
i kinda sauntered around a minute, and then I left the warehouse and walked out into the main yard...over to the crowd, of about nine maybe 12 of the guys...and then saw the blue - mini-bike that jake got for christmas...
he was revving the engine:loud and whiny: Jake's hand was on the brake....
holding it back...
holding the brake tight, so it wouldn't jamm forth -- and peel away...
a bit of dust kicked up from the asphalt....
"ok here ya go -- " jake began to explain...
"your going for a ride -- maaaan! your going to see if you can handle the "Blue snake...!"
(which jake called his min-bike...)
jake began to explain...
"i'am gonna release the break...for ya...
and then once you get on..."

jake always had this perfect, brilliant con-artist's grin and totally smooth way of talking - right before he was ready to completely embarrass you or absolutely fuck you over...and i fell for it every time...
this time, of course, was no exception...

>>> i shook my head..."no."
like -- as in "No way!"
but jake knew i wanted the guys to like me and took total advantage of the situation....like just mached up this whole "i dare ya..." situation to blackmail me into doing what he wanted...and he wanted to see if i could ride the min-bike...his, "Blue snake..." so really, there was no getting out of it...
I had to prove myself, and I guessed that this was the test....

Jake revved the bike up real good...and said: "Go ahead, bro...its your turn....don't be a pussy --- ok? show they guys you got the stuff..."
and then he added, like whispered to me: "i wanna be proud of you...c'mon..."

I sat on the bike --
all the construction workers, the "guys" that worked for my dad came to watch...
a group of total hotty's as i said before...
they all surrounded me and the bike...
(except for my cousin jake, everyone was allot older than me - like late 20s to 30s...they were all perfect and buffed. they were men and knew the secrets or things that guys knew but i didn't know anything....
i guess I really just wanted their validation...or maybe to be liked by some of them...validation...
a validation of my masculinity: willing to prove that: just
because i was the "bosses son" it didn't mean that i was a total ass-wipe, a good for nothing...or as jake said:
"a pussy..."
so it came down to Jake's dare and test...ride the mini-bike in front of everyone...see if i could handle it...

ok then: I nodded: "yes..."

my head was kind of low and i was scared and it was probably obvious that i didn't know what i was doing...
"all-right...let's go..." i remarked to jake and he nodded "yes...!"

i climbed onto the bike slowly and looked around....
i had everyone's attention...
but then i paused....and thought about "Gus..." who was standing there behind me watching also with everyone else...
i wanted to see if he thought this was a good idea...
I looked into his eyes: Gus was the guy that i had the deepest secret crush on...
yeah...
his name was "gus..."
gus was probably early 30s...
around 6-4 tall, around 185 pounds - maybe 200 and all it muscle...he had soft brown eyes....
sometimes a handle bar mustache - sometimes a goatee sometimes clean shaven but most of the time... he had some scruff going on...
gus...sexy and shaggy brown hair, that was always shiny and falling over his brow...
he almost always walked around "the yard" without his shirt on...was always in a cheerful mood and happy to be there working...
he rode in rodeos on the week ends and loved to tell stories about famous horses and sing out loud while he was working...
he was a sort of "tom of Finland" / "billy doll" with big sexy lips...and perfect white teeth...
i thought of him often -- but only kind of deep - in the back of my thoughts, like he was my big-brother or something that i never had....but always wanted....
now come to think of it, he must have known how much or how deeply i was - ah--- kind of, in love with him...
gus was everything i wasn't...
gus...
he was everything i wanted to be...big - strong - happy go lucky -- unbothered by people or the world...
totally beautiful...and strong..
a total "guy"...just kinda happy to be alive and full of light and goodness...


the bike was reeeving up...jakes eyes all wide and flashing a smirk and tossing his head to one side like:
"ok man -- its time..."
i looked at gus and our eyes met and i kinda wished to ask him if i should get on the bike or not...
he looked down to me but didn't say anything:
just nodded like: "well, ok -- go ahead - try it - well see..."
so then i had to do it....
i agreed
"ok...lets try it..."
then...
as i sat down on the seat, my butt barely touching the plastic vynal cushion -- and the minute i relaxed:
jake let go of the brake and then at the same time turned a wild eye and laughed and
"gunned" the throttle...
to full speed...

the mini-bike tore a patch of gravel...kicking up dust and gravel...
the back wheel spun around and around and made a loud whirring noise and then it caught the pavement below and the bike took off...fast -- way too fast...
the bike steered through the yard...out of control...
I tried to steer it away from one of the trucks directly in front of my path, but it went straight to full speed...
with no warning at all...
i didn't have control of it...
i was in for a ride...
(it was kind of like a "Jack-ass" stunt...to tell you the truth about 20 years ahead of its time...."
>>>the bike peeled away from the crowd....
off it went -- and i with it --
out of control...

I nearly escaped hitting a truck -- and then looking back and watching the crowd -- I looked ahead again only to see the end of the yard and the fence -- then -- of course jake never told me where the brake was....and boom - kapoww!
head first into a chain link fence...right over the front of the bike...

crash....

i wasn't wearing a helmet...
i was in jeans and a t-shirt...
my head hit one of the metal posts and i grayed out...almost like: blacked-out...like:
good night....

Some of the guys peeled with laughter -
some were quiet...
some were entertained...
a few ran over to help me up...
the bike lay in its side - the throttle stuck wide open and the bike spinningaround a few times before somebody could hit the kill switch...
jake was howling with delight...
my head was split open...
my leg was bleeding. and the pant leg of my jeans was ripped open --
i was covered in dust and dirt...
there was blood streaming down one side of my head and some of it getting into my eye...
jake ran over to me and began dusting off my pants...
and looking at my forehead....
and then trying to access my bleeding leg...
our eyes met...i saw him look at me through the blood dripping down....
"your ok -- your gonna be ok..." he said kinda scared -
like saying -
"don't tell your dad...it was just a joke...I didn't mean it..."
he kinda hugged me and then - maybe, kind of embarrassed that he was so calculated in his "wicked" dare...
he looked at me as if to say: "I'am sorry..."
i looked at him with a real anger and then looked away...
then he just took the bike and rolled it onto its side and then walked it back into the warehouse....holding the bike but looking back to me a few times...toward me.
he disappeared into the main - machine shop...
trying to fix the "governor" which holds the throttle at a low point until you open it up...
everyone went back to working...

i stumbled through the yard looking for a place to sit down or look at my leg...
i was bleeding badly...
then i saw gus walking toward me to ask me if i was "ok." just then i got light-headed and began to pass out:
probably from the excitement and the fact that i hadn't eaten lunch yet...and seeing the blood and the cut on my leg...
just as i was about to fall onto the pavement gus caught me in his arms and carried me to the cement warehouse and laid me down on one of the cement pallets stacked five high...he went and got me some water...and slapped my face kinda softly to make me -- "come to.."

i sat up and drank the water...
"are you ok?" gus was saying...
i wiped my face and gus took some water from the cup hed given me to drink and he poured it into his hand and kind of washed my face a little bit...
my eyes became bright and i was revived...
gus touched my face and looked deep into my eyes for a minute and saw how hurt i was...
my pride was hurt...
he peered down to me and paused...and then shook his head for a moment and looked around to see if jake was still around...
and then without warning...his eyes angered...
he bolted...away and through the yard toward jake working on the min-bike...

he ran over to jake:
"what the hell do you think your doing..?" gus said loud and forced his body toward jake's...and then - boom!
he grabbed his shirt and picked him up..right by the center of the t-shirt and lifted him right off the ground and held him there....and then whammm!
all in one motion...swung Jake's ass around in the air a few times and then threw him down...and smacked him one right across the chops....hard and clean...
"what the hellz wrong with you boy!!! ???"
jake demanded...
"you could have really hurt him...you pull another stunt like that in front of me i'll whip the tar right outta your ass - for good! you got that -- son...??"

jake was like a lil rag doll in gus' beefy buffed up arms...
jake got away from gus, but he didn't say anything, he just ran away and went to the corner liquor store or maybe hid in the back somewhere...and disappeared for an hour or so...

then gus came back to me and peered into my eyes almost like he knew id like that and then winked at me - like a cool, guy to guy wink...as if to say:
"i'll protect you from that asshole - don't you worry..."
after that gus went back to work...
i crawled away to the secret place...and laid down and fell a sleep...
>>>>>>>>>>>


it was a few weeks later...
when a real darkness came over me...and i couldn't stop the "voices" in my head...
i had gotten drunk a few times from some "White Label" scotch stashed in my parents garage...and was feeling confused and spaced out...

i just remember climbing to the crawl-space above my dad's offices and then seeing a crate of swimming pool acid...
i got an idea but i ignored it --
then laying down on a pile of old rags, i pulled off my pants and began...to "spank one off" as fast as i could:
then i heard jake coming up the ladder...and
i couldn't get my pants up fast enough...
he totally caught me -- buttoning up my pants...

"oh well, well, well...what have we here -- ??"
jake kind of bellowed out and then grabbed the top button of my jeans and undid them...again -
exposing my pre-cummed adolescent cock...
he surveyed it - up and down and then without warning he grabbed the middle of the shaft, looked into my eyes and said:
"thats really beautiful..."
and then with his fist around my dick he looked me into the eyes again and for a minute i thought he might kiss me....but he touched my lower lip and ran a finger across it...and then just, paused for a second...
"hey, ya wanna try some of this...? he kind of jutted his chin toward me....
and with that he unbuttoned his pants and pulled out his own cock -- now totally big and hard...and dripping at the head with pre-cum...

"i wont tell anybody you were jerking off up here if you jerk me off too and well call it even...deal?" jake offered up - like kind of like --- blackmail...jake's specialty...
i was shaking...
i nodded:
"yes..."
my dick was now fully hard again looking at Jake's dick...

my dick was that still of a boy but his was the first true male - man, erection i ever saw...
it seemed huge compared to mine...
he had hair on his balls and they hugged the shaft of his cock at first and then when he relaxed and rubbed his dick more they fell down and became two separate nuts hanging there...full of juice...oozing out...
"go ahead man - put your hand around it..." he said guiding my hand to his pole...it was warm, i remember and i got a whiff of his crotch because he wasn't wearing any underwear...
>>>it smelled musky, like a locker room. kinda damp and masculine...
i was experiencing so many feelings...
and then without warning jake directed the head of his cock to my lips and then without talking - maybe i nodded yes - i dunno...
his erection passed over my lips and went into my mouth and i began to suck it...
it felt good and right for me to do it somehow -- connect to jake in this way: i think i was in love with him...
i dunno...
i don't remember much else...
i don't know if i came...
or jerked off my own dick while i sucked him off
but i do remember liking the taste and feeling that it seemed so big in my mouth...

Jake's moves were smooth -- like hed done something like this before...
he was pushing the head and shaft all the way into my throat...his voice becoming soft and almost affectionate...
saying things like:
"thats it -- good boy...you like that???
it feels nice - right ?
good - -- good boy...
oh yeah, it feels so good...oh..fuc yeah...baby..thats it..."
touching the top of my head nice...and stroking my hair -touching the back of my head - and then pulling me closer to him...so the side of my face brushed against his stomach as i sucked him off...and then he wrapped his arms around me....
just then, (and i think jake would have came or was getting ready to come but) my father's secretary came around asking if were were going to lunch or not...
"hey! hey you guys!"
we could hear her from the outside warehouse of the machine shop...
"hey!" she called out - :where are you boys ? what are you two up to...?"

"up here..." jake called down totally cool - like nothing was going on...
jake yelled down>>>
>>>"just up here talking -- sharon..."
..."were getting lunch at "taco joes" - you go ahead..." jake yelled down - putting his wet dick back into his pants quietly and winking at me with his famous devil's grin...
scrambling for the ladder to get downstairs and buttoning up his jeans all at once...
Jake's eyes were bright and shiny...
he looked at me - clean:
"well finish this later -- baby.." he whispered and smiled and then disappeared down the ladder and then began working away in the machine shop...
making noise so everyone could hear him...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
yeah. it was a few days later. after jake and i - well after i sucked Jake's cock that i tried to "off" myself...by drinking the acid...it went down something like this - as i recall:
i had the bottle of swimming pool acid to my lips ready to burn my insides so bad that id never recover, getting the bottle right up to my nose --- in the storage space above my father's office at the lot of his construction company...
i could hear the phones ringing below and the secretaries talking and chatting...i held the bottle tight and breathed in the highly toxic and dangerous to ingest chemical..fuck it was fucking ACID...and i was ready to drink it -- to escape what i was feeling at that time...
what i heard in my head: night and day --- i was still a virgin in both orientations at that time...the voice - the awful foreboding and knowing that it was true...
i preferred to look at the guys - not the girls...
i wanted to kiss dick -- i wanted dick --- ah not jane...

i think i was "in love" with jake and i ached for him and also for gus...
to have gus hold me -
to have jake pull out his big dick again in the crawl space and put it in my mouth...

back then - feeling those feelings seemed like the end of the world...
but that was what ? 1976 or 77 --
you just couldn't be a queer back then --
you just fucking didn't ever talk about shit like that, or you'd wind up fag bashed and nobody would care how it happened --- they would just be glad that it did --
back then the general over-all message was --
"fags deserve to die" and - or --
"get the fags - find out whose a faggot and eliminate them" something like that...
..no questions asked...

everyone was a suspect of wanting to suck dick...
in high school - anyone who looked the wrong way in the gym - while changing into your gym clothes -- or in the showers after wrestling practice -- could get branded
"a queer" forever...

you'd be listed as the school "queer" and trust me
you didn't want that kind of abuse...

shirley Jackson's short story: "the lottery" comes to mind here...
yes.
yeah -- thats right ---
yeah. it really was like that - back in the day...
back in the 70s...and the early 80s...yeah it was - and i'am glad to be sitting here in 2006 still alive to tell the tale...

yeah looking out the hospital window...it all floated out of me and through my mind....jake and gus and giving my first blow job and even still loving my cousin and the deep, deep feelings of wanting to be next to him....

to be continued.....
my blue pajamas - part four....