Sean's Blue Pajamas - part one

my blue pajamas
part one

blue pajamas>>>>>>>>>>>
a long dream...of being awake...
an average morning at sean's house...

my strange beautiful life "here..."

at times...I wonder if i'am not dreaming my entire life...
my entire "waking" life...here
time seems to blur...race or slow down...

kind of...like: dreaming - then sleeping -
awake and then dreaming...
wondering...
day dreaming...
sleeping: awake and then not awake...
in a dream of remembering being awake...
remembering heaven...
wanting to be alive and then knowing...
dreaming and being naked...
being born and dying...
dying and going home...
being at "home" and then wanting to be alive...
re-incarnating -
and then dreaming...again...
a long, vibrant, confusing, "vanilla sky" of reality....
meditating - wondering - sobbing...flying...making love, eating chocolate...
awake.
flying...
going home and then flying...
and then dying...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
flying...
every morning i wake up feeling kind of angry...and sad and "hung over..."
i don't drink alcohol...
every time i wake up - i feel traumatized...

i usually find myself out of bed and not remembering how i got there...
naked and pacing about the kitchen...
looking for my pajamas...
pacing about -- looking for a pan to boil some water in for an instant coffee...
wondering if i'am still dreaming...


i'am rarely "in my body"...
my close friends are always telling me -- ah...
"kirk -- you've got to get back into your body..."

i'am getting used to it though -- "having a body"
even thou on some days i really hate the constriction of it and of being bound to the laws of this
"material reality..."

in another time and place i know humans can (actually) fly but no ones dared to do it yet...
we haven't reached a level of conciousness to have a body that can fly: a "person" that can do that - is called an "ascended master..." and they do exist...
kinda like "Neo..." in the "Matrix..."

i think it is interesting to note here that everyone has dreams of flying and also, of being naked in public...

i have a contentious relationship with my body...
and it's always been that way...
it's amazing to me that a person can survive:
having a finger cut off at age four -
being hospitalized for pnuemonia at age ten...(and being strapped to the hospital bed because i pulled the IV needle out of my arm when the nurses would leave the room...)
having their head split open...and nearly "flat-lining" at the age of tweleve...

survivng three near-fatal car accidents...

being pulled off a burning bed in college - (i had been drinking and surrounded my bed with lit candles...before passing out...the bed caught on fire...and i was pulled off of it just before i caught on fire myself...)

having a dis-ease that, to this day, does not have a name - (it vanished after the doctor shot me up with a lethal dose of penicillian, as a last resort, not really knowing what else to do...the symptoms were a grisly assortment of ailments, among other things, that included vomitting black water?)

being bed ridden for three years for sciatica back pain...

a life long death wish that has manifested itself as:
a cocaine addiction - age 16...
five years of drunk driving - (driving on the side walk two different times in an alcoholic "black-out" and one of those times wrapping my pontiac trans-am around a palm tree...)age 21
being arrested on numerous occasions - ages 19-22

detoxing from my alcoholism and drug addiction- age 24

driving over 100 miles an hour through the state of texas for three hours without stopping...age 25

a ten day stay at an asylum after threatning suicide to psycho therpaists and consuelors at a "co-dependancy rehab" in pensylvania...age 27
taking an exacto knife to my face in an act of self-hatred...age 28
survivng the eastern "medical"diagnosis of what is called: "a broken heart" three times...ages 26, 32 and 40...
herbal supplement - dhea, reishi mushroom and testoserone over dosing...age 42

being electrocuted in a bathtub - age 43...

dragging total strangers that i met on - line into my apartment to fuck me, at five in the morning...ages 40-45

being hospitalized for near liver - gallbladder and kidney failure, among other (stress related dis-orders) - age 45...
a vicadin addiction: age 46...

theres more...
(not to mention>>>>>):
and, of course, general "insanity" and panic in a general sense and last but not least...
living in nyc for over 20 years...
>>>>>>>>>
my body....
my body and i have survived all the above...yeah.
together...
me...and my body...
sounds incredible, right ?

actually...
i'am kinda of impressed by my body's ability to hyper-mend itself...and just keep bouncing back from wahtever comes along...and whatever i've thrown at it...
either that or it's a true testament to spiritual and medical miracles...or the team of angels that (seem to) hover above me -- night and day...


today...
I woke up wondering yet again how I got "here..."
I woke up in despair and depressed...
in a sense I woke up hating everything...with a sense of dread...

it's mid afternoon...time to start the day
begin the next "episode" of my life "here."
my life here seems to go like this :

i remember...being awake: then not being awake...
then dreaming...
dreaming...
row, row, row, your boat...gently down the stream...
did you ever have a dream - and inside the dream, you "dream" that you wake up...
but then, actually, later...
you realize that - in fact - the dream was a dream of you awaking even though you were still a sleep?

>>>those dreams always seem more "real" than my "regular" dreams...

a brief over view of "Quantum Mechanics" dictates that "linear" time can not be "proven..."
that "Time" ocurs:
the past - present and future...(all) occurs, at the same "time..." with an : infinite number of possible "Outcomes..."
a kind of "kaliedescope of realties...always different and always morphing...
>>>>>>>>>>
I have been meditating for over ten years.
my reality is beggining to "accelerate..."
my life is taking on a hyper-surreal aspect...
kinda like flying...
everything is now, going fast-->>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I prefer instant coffee actually, to fresh brewed, which reminds me of the time when i lived in london.
you couldn't get fresh coffee in london back then - for love or money -- (sorry for the cliche')
but they drink tea over there - but now i've heard that they have starbukks -
they only had instant coffee in london when i was there in 96 -- so i drank "nescafe" instant...
i got used to it --- and now i dig it.

I always wake up wanting to chain smoke and drink coffee...
today: i woke up with all the lights on, the plasma screen tv flashing images into my bedroom...
blurry and random...
a blue haze seems to coat the darkened room where i sleep...my bedroom has "black-out" shades so light can enter...in fact, I'am the only light, there, in the space...

the most commom color from the tv screen is blue...
when i awoke today the tv was switched on to:
"The weather channel..."
the day's forecast was: "73 degrees in new york city..."
late October...73 degrees in mid fall...
another day of: "Apocalypse now" weather...

the ambiens i took last night kicked in hard and fast...
one minute i was watching re-runs of "the X-files..." kinda getting a half "woody" over moulder pushing around some "suspect" and then the next thing i knew i was wandering around the kitchen thirsty, half naked,
and dazed....

i always wake up feeling "strange.." and the feeling always surprises me...
as if some day i'll wake up feeling different: and i know in my heart: i never will...

I (still) feel like an "alien" here...(in this reality)
i wake up every morning, which is really afternoon, and i think...
"I'am still "tied" to this body and this lifetime..."
as if i could somehow awake in another body or maybe just in "heaven" or another reality all together perhaps dreaming of this lifetime but not returning to it...
or even on a large silver table:
and
as i open my eyes...
an attendant would remark:
"kirk -- wake up -- you were dreaming --- ok?
it was all a dream - a dream sequence that you paid for and we "implanted" that sequence at your request...
it's time to wake up --
it's time to go home..
please pay the cashier on the way out..."
i know this will happen at the end of my "life, "here..."
atleast i think it will...
i don't know what i'am doing here...
i wake up and I feel "strange..."
like a stranger..to myself and to the world...


>>>>> i kinda hate my body for making me come - "back here.."
the contentious relationship i have with my body is underlined every morning...
i kinda resent having to feed and clothe my body and my body kinda resents me for leaving all the time..
at night my body needs rest so it "goes to sleep" but i can fly around and have "fun"...on the "astral planes..."
if my body awakes in the middle of sleeping i get "called back" from the astral palnes immediatley...

did u ever wake up to sit on the edge of the bed, and then suddenly get a shiver and a kind of...strange jolt...?
and then your fully aware? and awake ?
thats "you" returning to your body...
that JOLT - is your spirit - getting back into your physical form here...
it's something like that -- and i don't think it can be explained in words in a "linear" type of definition -
but i think you get the idea...

i have something called; "missing time..."
and i have it alot.

"missing time" basically means that: you truly, really, don't know where you've been or what you've done...- while there...for minutes or hours...
this concept is also true of "alien abductees..." but i don't really think the aliens could ever find me because I'am never where i'am supposed to be - when i'am supposed to be there...(if my friends can't find me then how will the aliens...?)

sometimes...if it's warm outside i just wear my pajamas right out onto the street:
and since it is hellz kitchen - and since i truly do believe that life is a dream and it's my dream -- then me wearing pjs in the street won't seem to matter and nobody will ever care about something like that in my dream...

although>>>>>
One time, a guy followed me home seeing my half-hard "morning boner" kinda bouncing around in my pj's while walking back to my apartment from getting a coffee...


i guess i had an errection when i woke up, as most guys do, but I didn't realize it until i saw this irish guy checking out my hot, half-hard package as I walked down the street and back to my apartment...

he then followed me up the street to the front door of my building kinda not saying anything but it was obvious what he wanted...
then followed me upstairs and sucked me off...
and ah fucked me...
and i fucked him...but we didn't kiss...

i just kinda, unlocked the front door seeing him all shy, like -- just standing there next to me all of a sudden...
>>>hanging his head all low and then looking up at me: kinda sad and scared and wanting something...
(my) keys in hand unlocking the front door -- and him all, staring down hard at my "basket..." and nodding -- like: "lemme come up?"
I turned toward him...and then - I looked down --
my hand burning from the hot coffee cup...
I saw that indeed, without realizing it --- my thick 8 incher was thinly outlined by the light - sheer, blue, oxford cloth pajama bottoms i was wearing: without any boxers underneath I might add...

yeah, i looked down -- >>> and saw my half hard morning "johnson" sticking out "kinda hung" through the material and then I just jutted out my chin toward him...and met his eyes...
i dunno - maybe I mumbled: or winked and said:
"ok -- lets go..."
maybe he kind of grabbed it on the street - (my cock,) and smiled at me - wink wink...
"you live around here??"
maybe i saw him first and then tilted my head toawrd the building - like: "follow me, bro..."
I dunno...
I just remember that I held open the front door...
like i said i was in a fog,: I hadn't had my morning coffee yet...
I had a jack-hammer of a head ache left over from popping a levitra (a medically prescribed "errection" pill) from the night before --
((Levitra is: a tiny red pill that gives you a raging hard on all day long or ah - all night long: depending on when you take it...it's basically an errection in pill form -- and yeah, it works, man...yep it sure does...

you take this little red pill...then you wait...
and then for the next three days -- your pushing around a half hard phallus - even when you don't want to anymore...
you've got this heavy bulge in your jeans at the least and then sometimes you just break into a full (hot/aching) boner without warning...

(this happened to me once at the blockbuster dvd rental store late at night and was quite embarassing but there were a few guys who - i think, kinda dug seeing it...)
i like guys checking out my cock - and if the truth be told - more than one dude has asked if they could worship my cock and even pray in front of it...

anyway...
there I was sporting a nice thiick woody for the world to see or pray in front of...and i really wasn't paying attention...
and then at my front door step, suddenly "Irish bro" appears kinda licking his chops over my cock...
thats when i realized that my cock was bouncing around -- jutting out in front of me -- on the street --- and then when this guy appeared i started to get hard as a diamond, ah wedding ring...
I mean, really man...
I was just about to pop a full - complete, total raging - hard on: right there on the street...
>>> yeah bro...like a fresh, hot>>> hot, hot, aching,
really ringing - hard >>> "lemme shoot it down ur throat hip hop -- hot- ringin -- aching --- boner...
popping into full mast through my pj's...
right there on 44th and tenth, in hellz kitchen...midtown manhattan...nyc...
Standing there - it was obvious that: the bro, ah
well...like i said --->> he wanted to suck it...

"you wanna come in?..." I mumbled...
trying to breath and hide my 8 incher...and keep it pointed toward the front door so the passersby couldn't see it...
"ya wanna suckit..? bro..."
i said: more like an accusation than a question...
he looked down and nodded his head quickly like a 12 year old asking for a second cookie...
i took my hand to his cheek and lifted his chin toward mine...
"is that what you want ? man >>>?
"you wanna wrap your nice, hot, sexy-perfect lips around my cock?? and suck it? suck the juice out of it?? ---man? answer me !"
he looked down...
kinda full of shame and remained silent...
and kicked one foot into the other and then he looked up and said...
"ah - yes..."
"yes what??" i asked him...
and he said...
"yes i want to suck it..."
our eyes met...and i could feel that i liked him and maybe wanted to kiss him and then i said:
"ah, ok, then lets go..."

I unlocked the front door and he followed me...upstairs...
i unlocked the front door to my apartment and he stepped in...
as soon as the door was closed i slid my pajamas down to the floor and my cock whipped out -- totally hard and standing straight up:
>>>>>"here ya go -- >> Is this what you wanted bud?"
i stood there smiling--- kinda proud of my thiick "johnson" - standing up -- all ready to be sucked...
then..i looked down -- deep into his eyes and then bent toward him and kissed him...long and perfect...
then he fell to his knees...
more kissing...
i feel to the floor with him -- and whispered:

"yeah ---- go ahead buddy -- yeah, fuck yyeah -- i think you might like some of this...cool...ok man -- yeah -
suck it...man..."

and i pulled his head toward my crotch kinda sweaty and smelling like a man...and he parted his lips...i held the shaft with my hand and tapped it a few times on his bottom lip as he looked up at me - all scared and kinda quiet and then I winked: and whispered..."ok man here ya go..."
and then i slid my big dick into his mouth...he started moaning and going like -- ohhh..god -- ahhh god --
his mouth like watery velvet wrapping around my pole...

he was a nice irish boy/guy in his late 20s - soft, clear, green eyes, light brown hair, beautful pale skin and a strong body...an over built chest - with sexy black chest hair...
he pulled off his t-shirt ringed with sweat marks at the arm-pits and then undid his jeans looking up at me -- and then pulled out his cock (a pretty nice one also -- with kind of big head on it ---dripping with pre-cum -- a nice shaft and nice balls also) and begin pumping away on it with his fist: kinda mumbling and moaning:
"oh god..oh god..."
and began lapping his tongue at the pre-cum oozing slowly from my throbbing cock-head...
then he swallowed the entire shaft in one motion...as if there were a nectar inside that would save him or his life like there water inside my cock and he was dying of thirst...
he sucked hard on me...

i felt a strong "pull" / and / tension in my butt...
I was kinda, aching for cock...now --
aching to get fucked...
he slid his hand around to the crack of my ass...
he opened my hole with his fingers -- and still kissing me...
he turned me around quickly....
then
he pressed the tip of his cock-head against my hole - which was kinda sweaty and all ready wet and wanting dick actually, and then, i just, ah, -- kinda, bent over...and waited...and said --
"it's all yours bro....yeah man, take my hole...."
(buddy and fuck it real good...)
man o man
his cock was so nice...sliding in there...
i could feel his pre-cum kinda seeping into my hole -- draining in there as he pushed the head in further and further...like he knew what he was doing...

it's nice when a guy knows what he's doing, like that...
kissing the back of your neck and all...
giving you the cock...his cock...
wanting to shoot his load in your hole...
wanting to give you his cream...

i kinda lost concioussness after that...
thats all i rememeber -- because then --
i think -- i kinda blacked out and...
well...ah -- you know....

i mean really -- it's just kinda like a memory now and i know that he fucked me and shot a load up my ass and i think i shot one up his too....
the last thing I remember was his going to leave my door and i said: "by the way...what do you do??"
and he said...
"I'am a cop..." long pause -- he smirked and then he winked and turned and left...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
yeah...
my blue pajamas...
yeah -- i really do wear pajamas to bed...
but at some point in the middle of the night ((which is really early morning since i almost never go to sleep before 5-am...)) i take them off and throw them across the room somewhere and i never remember doing this...

the pajama bottoms:
(i prefer light blue or dark blue PJ's and my robe is also dark blue, although if they made PJ's in pink for guys -
i know i would want them...))
like I said I wake up each day - all confused as to where i'am: dazed, dehydrated and naked...

i awake each day...
never knowing whats real...
i'am...
a slave to my bodies craving's and the physical and mental addictions i've framed out here for myself...
perhaps as a response to dealing with the stress of the world at large, myself, my body and my neurotic psyche...
or all my memories:
memories of guys in my bed...
of guys hitting on me on the street at night, of porn booths and of eating ice cream. of other lifetimes, of old lovers, girlfriends...soul mates -- sex partners, or my high school wrestling coach...
of being in the hospital...
dreams and memories of my fraterntiy brothers, of being in the high school gym showers, or my cousin jake...
of my crush on a guy named, mike wright, who i will never forget...
and i will never forget fucking his butt through his black jockstrap and pushing his face into the bed and saying --

"you are so fucking beautiful ---
why are you destroying yourself?? >>>>>>>
is that what you do? is that what you like ???
to get fucked by total strangers...???>>>>
answer me you lil bitch -- (you little-fuckin-pussy--boy....bottom...
you wanna-get fucked by daddy - dont-you?
u lil bitch!
yeah take my cock -- you want my load too: Doncha?!
yeah - ya want me to shoot it up there -->>>dont-cha bro??"
fuck you -- you don't deserve it...."

he turned around as i was fucking him and began to cry and starting kissing me and crying and it was really -- well, it was -- the hottest sex i've ever had...
and then our mouths locked and i shot my load into his ass -- deep
totally going bare-back and "bredding" his ass and then just deep kissed him....
a long hard time...and held him...making him all - kinda confront what he liked and everything...
(i think he was in the closet)

mike wright...
whew...
i'll love him til the day i die...for that...
for being so fuckng hot and beautiful and giving me his hole....the way he did -- all nice and taking my cum...just right...and crying...and kissing me...and then just holding onto me for a long time...
>>>>fuck yes!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

laspe of time...
fuck - where was i ?>>>>>>>
ah - ok...
morning...
i sit on the edge of the bed and bring my hands to my forehead...
theres a gap in time...
then realizing the pain(s) of my life...and all the memories of this and every other lifetime...i remember now that i have to take medicine to stay alive now -- yeah - kept alive by chemicals...and it all seems like a dream....

suddenly ----
i panic and remember that: a pan of water is boiling...on the stove top...
panic...
major panic...
I realize that i must have woken up and went to boil some water for coffee...and then returned to the bed and forgot about it...or maybe went back to sleep...
i was probably watching the weather channel for a few minutes or maybe an hour or so and didn't realize where i was...
fuck.
i run into the kitchen...
I turn off the burner and see that the pan has bolied - "dry..."

>>then....

nicotien cravings...caffiene cravings...
sex cravings...despair...
another morning errection so hard it hurts...
naked...feeling alone....

I return to my bedroom looking for my pajamas since i realize that i have no clothes on ---
>>>>
i fall into a pit of despair...
but then I snap out of it..."
i think to my self - tell myself:...
"get dressed. go outside...go get some coffe and a fresh pack of cigs...and just start the day... >>
keep it simple. just do it. don't think about it...it's gonna be -- ok...i promise..."


RE: the morning cig:
Many years ago:
i first saw my f**k buddy at that time: - "mark" - spark a cig upon awakening next to me. i think i was around 27 or so...
Before that - it had never occurred to me that you could smoke a cig when you woke up..but there he was reaching for the pack of Marlboro lights...and sparking one up...
i think i remember putting out my hand toward him as if to say --- "here - let me have a drag..."
after that i always lit up a cig after i my first cup of joe...

today..

A severe weather front is rearing its (ugly) head - (according to the weather-channel weather man)
coupled with a global "green-house" warming effect...
yeah...
the entire planet has released way too many fossil fuels into the eco-sphere and this is causing the weather to change >>>
every year - the weather becomes more and more severe--->>>
i guess it's only a matter of time before there's tsunamis hitting Manhattan and ice caps in the midwest...
so....
youd better go have some fun -- right?
you better go and wrack up those credit cards and have plenty of "bare-back" sex before (all) the "shit goes down" and...it happens: right?
heres wishing you >>>>> "a great day...!"
and: by the way,>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>
"you'd better go turn off that stove top burner on that pan of water...you forgot about 20 minutes ago...!!!"
ok.
i run into the kitchen...the pan is red hot - hot, hot and dry...
and i fall into despair...
pain and truama...like i told you...

>>>"mass extinction".... of humanity, coming soon..."
I mumble to myself ---
"ok, time to start your beautiful "happy" -- day..."
>>>>>>>
it seems to have been written into my conciousness to be: eternally wounded here and depressed...like - always -wanting to commit, "suicide..."

i had my first suicide attempt at around 15 years old...
to be continued....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>



>>"suicide" under the literal definition is an attempt at "self destruction"...

I've always wondered, if the world, is not committing "suicide" like myself, with all these chemicals... and stress and pain going in your body...
chemicals in the air, in the food, the televsion spewing out chemicals....
the news always reporting death and murder around the globe...
the psychic riot above our heads....
the six - o' clock news just drilling death right into you...

and we all race to buy a bigger house, a better car, another text message of hope, another 12 year old being raped by a catholic preist under the altar...and in the name of god...
pain...
and death and chemicals...
pain and fear, and suicide and cigarettes and the perfect cup of coffee and the plasma screen and four surround sound speakers...surrounding you and filling your mind with all the beautiful, fucked hallucinations of lifeand beautiful - beautiful boys all wanting to get your hole and you wanting to get theirs...
death, sex and death...
suicide...pain...fear...
wanting someone to love you...before it all falls apart...
pain...and all beautiful bodies drowning in god and doubt and chemicals...and love...

what a world -->> eh ?

life....
my life...my "karma" (here) this time around...i guess...
is to experience it all in a continual state of pain and doubt and depression...

"morning" always seems to underline how much i hate life here - or at the least dis-like being"in a body..." and want to commit "suicide..." to just get away from it all...
my pain and everybody else's...

>>>>>>>>>>

drinking coffee and smoking cigs...and thinking about all the boys...i've kissed and fucked...
and watching the "weather channel" and waiting for it all to blow up and apart...
or waiting for a giant five mile high wave to hit manhattan...and end everything...
just because a few white men wanted to fight over oil and gasoline and pollute the whole world because of their greed...
greed is killing us all...

yeah, - and each day we all commit suicide because we don't know how to stop it...but atleast i know where i'am going when its all over...
i'am going to the "other side..."
yeah thats right, to my house, where my soul mate lives and we live together in peace and love and shake our heads over the wonder of this strange place called: "Earth..."
>>>>>>

You See:
On the "other side" you can manifest things instantly:
time runs forever in both directions...
yep right into eternity...and goes on forever and forever...
i hope one day to finally merge into the great divine white light of nothingness and become only god once again...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
in this life...
i can not fly here...
i have not figured out how to manifest things i want -- instantly or otherwise...
i have to work (hard) to get money and to have a roof over my head...and clothes on my back - that sort of thing and the time and energy spent on feeding my body is - well, to my mind, simply overwhelming to me...

the human body needs to be fed around every four hours -- yep every four ---fucking hours...
it seems like such a waste of time and ah - money but:
>>>here I'am...
hungry - angry - thirsty...alone ...and tired...
awake with the reality of my body's cravings upon me...
needless to say --
"morning" Is always a long walk through hell for me...
and ya know what ?
i just don't see how people wake up "all happy" and ready to, like, hug everyone - and ready to start their "happy" day...
fuck them...!

i wake up angry and mad and scared at the whole world every day.
it's always been like that...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
TODAY....
Rather than re-hashing my dreams and memories of the other side -- i decide that it can wait...
i put my despair on hold...
i know where i'am going when i die and am done "here..."
so it's no big deal if i hang out in the material world for awhile and maybe drink some coffee and smoke some cigs...and ah -- maybe get a few blow jobs...and get fucked sometimes...
i guess - just for - "today" it's ok - to be here...
right?

this "place" or "reality" is not really my home...
this is not the place i'am from...
i'll be home soon enough...
i'll be back in my home -- in my big house - with my true "soul-mate" >>> who i'am convinced is not incarnated - this time around >>>right "now" but waits for me...on the other side...

today >>>
I got dressed and went the corner bodega to get a fresh pack of cigs so i could chain-smoke, and drink the instant coffee which i dig and then numb myself out and all my feelings and ah ---
hate the world uninterrupted...ah, -- all day if i care to...
then maybe -- I'll sit at my lap - top and go on-line to the "my-space" website and flirt with some "hottys"
-- and perhaps return some of the 200 or so e mails that I've gotten while sleeping and then I'll pass out, at around, like, 2pm in the afternoon from all the chemicals in the instant coffee and the nicotine and smoke swirling around my studio apartment...and
then I'll call my work and try to get my bartending
shift covered...because:
"well, I don't really feel good..."

>>> god i love my life...yeah sometimes i guess i really like it here -- ah -- yep -- i guess i have to admit that --
on some days -- it's pretty cool...just to be here...
yeah today...
i command to myself...
"ok - get dressed..yeah, get dressed and go get some coffee..."
naked as I'am - I snap out of my pain and greif and into "reality"...
((mode...))

i find the PJ bottoms on the chair where they almost always are when i wake up...and then put them back on...

>>>my body kinda floats around the space for awhile dazed and kinda mumbling and praying...and mumbling...
and then finally: i "get into my body..."
and then it: my body cries out: (i want) "coffee and cigs - now -- now...now -- mother-fucka!
now...
i want my injections -- now: uncle kirk..."
>>>>>>>
the morning cravings - the minute i open my eyes...
now....

like a parent to it's child - i hover over my body and then gently - get into it: -- reassuring it and telling it --
"its ok...it's ok to be here..."
were - here...here I'am - yeah, were here...ah --
yeah -- right now -- i'am here...here in this minute...yes...
here...

i'am....
>>>>>>>>>>>leaving your body...


>>>>>>
i leave my body some really inconvienient times -- not just at night when my body needs rest -- sometimes i even leave my body when i'am walking around outside: like walking around times square...which is not a good thing to do --- trust me...
so help me god, it is not a good thing to do...-
and when that happens -- i know that i simply, truly have forgotten that i have a body...
and this is bad...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>
yeah -- while i was sleeping: dreaming - flying...was gone...
and then here again...i realized suddenly that my body was walking around without me - in the kitchen - cold and without clothes...
"good morning...time to start your happy day..."

this is why i always wake up truamatized...
my psyche reconnecting to my history here and my life here - and i remember it all at once...

during the full "remembering" of my life...
i get about two minutes that seem like there is no pain or fear around me or in me but then of course, there it all is...again -- as lying in wait...for me --
it comes over me...
like a strange black hellish cloud of doubt and ah -- terror...pain and terror and remembering...
oh yeah...right----
...In this life-time..."
I'am:
a writer - poet - photographer - poet - cable tv mystic - addict - bartender...worker-bee - tattoed-fight club stud for hire -- porn star wannabe -- sex addict - shaman -- kinda guru - father -- child - man -- boy >>>mystic - devil - angel/addict --- smooth and kind of fumbling -- sort of handsome and sacred -- and sort of -- kind of.....here but not really here...kind of spaced out --
not there...ah -- kind of -- guy...

every morning i have to remember all over again who and what i'am in this "lifetime.." and then i long for the other-side and my "true" home......but today by the time i got fully "present" and back into my body - I realized that i'am not in my apartment...or in my bed, where i always wake up...
i happen to be -- at the corner bodega: (hence missing time) and -- i guess around fifteen minutes of it...

I'am -- half a sleep -- and kind of awake...outside my apartment...standing there...in the corner bodega -- asking for coffee...holy shit!!!
my body woke up without me, if you can follow all that and what i'am trying to explain to you...
standing there in the bodega...
it became obvious to me that i wasn't fully back "here" before...my body just decided to - ah -- leave my apartment...
wondering around...the streets of manhattan --- ah...
well...without me...

yep/// there i was...
the "masterpiece of angels," as my ex lover used to call me -- wondering around outside my apartment like a souless zombie -- in my pajamas, in the corner boedga and for a minute i totally panicked because i thought that maybe i was naked -- in public....and forgot to put on my clothes...
because i was in another reality -- in another lifetime or locked into a long forgotten memory...of long ago...something like a dream --
a dream of my cousin...jake...
and didn't really know where i was or,
if i was in the dream or a memory -- or >>>
if it was really happening all over again and i was 17 years old again and would have to live my whole life over up until now....

fuck -- it was absolute panic not knowing if you were dreaming of being in public naked or that you were ACTUALLY -- really -- in public naked....
are you following me ??

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
so - i realize that i'am in the bodega...getting coffee...and i panic -- because theres a gap in time -- and i can not truly remeber waking up and getting dressed -- and going outside -- and then i totally, total fucking -- panic...
i look down just to make sure --
fuck!
did i really leave the house without puttng my clothes on?

perhaps i'am still dreaming ?
last night i dreamt of my cousin jake...
and while -- coming to - in the bodega, and checking to see if i had any clothes on -- i'am still kind of in the dream from when i was sleeping...

the bodega: "Bodega" is a nyc term for a small store...
and most residents of manhattan have one bodega that they use all the time -
at "my" bodega it's always the same guy at the counter around 11-30 pm when i usually get there...clothed or not...
and he's always real nice and maybe sort of flirty ? with me..and always says:
"how ya doing today?" like he knows all about me and loves me anyway ah -- sort of...
he always asks - how i'am...and then kinda smiles and checks out my "package" covertly and then throws my regular brand of cigs on the counter...and then smiles again...
and asks me if i want a cup of coffee...
he seems like my own personal angel to quell the despair of waking up...
naturally I have grown accustomed to seeing him each morning...his bright, boyish eyes -- and ever present smile as if hes saying :
"i want to please you...and help you through the trauma of waking up...it's ok..." and oh - (by the way...)
"hey that sure is a nice-sexy package ya got there bro..."

I'am standing there...
in the bodega kinda panicking and checking to see if i put my pajamas on my lower half or even if i was wearing clothes before i left the house and also kind of lost in the bodega guy's smile and soft boyish eyes...and sexy chest hair that seems to call me from his white, "counter-guy" shirt that he always wears...
and then i kinda start to remember the dream that i was having only a few moments ago when i was in bed kinda hard and aroused and forgetting that i had a body and dreamed of this life and this lifetime...

>>>then i start to wonder if indeed,
that i'am not still dreaming and at -- actually
home in bed >>>
perhaps dreaming that i went to the store naked...and i don't know --
i really don't know for a second if i'am awake or not...
naked or not...
in bed or not or in the actual store and like i said having a dream that i'am in the store...
in any event ->>>>
i look down and see that - thank god -- i do have some clothes on, yes- i'am in my pajamas -- at the store -- and then suddenly i'am releived and kind of over-whelmed by everything and i simply blurt out:
"ur coffee sucks!!....i hate to say it...
but starbukks is Better...Man...!!!"
long pause...

for a brief second the entire store turns around and looks my way-->>> then most of them see that i'am in a pair of blue, ralph lauren -- "polo" pajamas...that "eric" bought for me when i was bed-ridden for six months after being in the hospital...
long silence...
long pause...
i kinda throw my hands in the air - as if to say or explain...
"ah i'am having a weird day...ah minute here..."
but to the on lookers now staring at me that seems obvious...and then everyone goes back to buying things and reading the papers...
"ah, ok ---your blowing it...bro..." i mumble to myself...
while picking up the pack of smokes from the counter...

"yeah your coffee fucking sucks -- man..."
and then I have...a "total recall" of last nights sleep - time - dreamtime...
I'am dazed for a minute and realize that i have to get back to my apartment immediately...
because the dream is flashing off in my mind's eye...
i'am having a flash back so to speak...

atleast - i think i'am...
and it is flashing in my mind's eye...before me...annoucing itself as I pay for my cigs and ask for a free cup of coffee...because i've paid for so many "bad" cups of coffee -
the counter guy puts a cup of coffee on the counter and says...
"ok -- it's ok. here ya go: today your coffee is free..."
he tries to steady me with his eyes - and quell my panic and it works...
ok.
it's gonna be ok...

i return home and sit in my kitchen lighting the first of many cigarettes of the day...
i feel safe again and happy that i did not, in fact, go outside naked or was not dreaming of being naked - outside....and that it was just another "normal" day in my strange life and that i was -- "ok..."

i scan the clock hanging on the wall...
it's actually 12:35 in the afternoon...

the clock in the kitchen:
just one of the 70 - 80 time pieces i have around my apartment:...
I have watches, clocks and time pieces everywhere in my smallish studio apartment...
a new visitor to my apartement always comments on this aspect of who i'am and why i have so many timepieces...

TIMEPIECES:
I guess it's like a fetish of mine -- i want to be able to look anywhere in my apaprtment and see a clock or watch ticking away -- why >? you might rightfully ask ?
well, lets just say the better part of my childhood seemed so unbearable >>
two near-death experiences beofre i was 13 among other things...
that i grew to love and hate the master of "time" here...
in order to survive -- and not fully - truly self destruct --
i decided that nothing could last forever...
a sort of internal mantra of:
"whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger..."
before i encountered the writings of albert camus...who said the original quote...

the ticking clocks and watches all remind me that:
at some point or time in the future:
"this too shall pass..."
and that i'll get to go "home" someday...to my beloved on the "other-side..."
i guess the ticking time pieces prove that "time" here is precious...that life here is not to be endured or mastered but simply experienced and then...forgotten or not...
there is no "time" as we know it here - on the other side...
it is indeed - an invention of man --
walking back to my apartment - in the street i wonder if maybe..."irish boy" might be around to give me a morning release...(after all, life is but a dream...and it could happen twice...right?)
but he does not appear...
then the dream from last night comes to me again...
last night -- i dreamt of jake, my cousin...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

i have had a few dreams that I'll never forget.

>>years ago I had a dream that i was teaching people to levitate cars... >>> four of them, rising into the air at the command of my raised open palms...i'll never forget that dream...because it semmed so real...
In alot of my dreams - most of my dreams -
I'am powerful...and all knowing, like some awesome - (queer) - super hero -- ready to save the world...
but
then in my "waking life" i'am a bumbling -- absent-minded, kind of "spaced out" -- "not there" : dark - depressed sort of -- >>>george-clooney/woddy allen...hybrid...
kind of like the hot gay porn star and the high shcool nerd blended and shaken...

most of the time i remember my dreams.

i dream alot of flying like "Neo" in the "Matrix" movies.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
end of part one ------------------->>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>