the blood pools...a dream
Current mood: apathetic
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
the blood pools...
a dream.
one night. i fall into the slumber of regret. remorse and grief...into a land.
i'am wandering. i have no memory.
i have no future.
the "now" is grey. miles from life. walking endlessly through a netherworld of wants and hopes: which are vague and never form into something solid.
everything is: fleeting, dissipating and vanishing...
above me a grey souless sky rumbles...
below: a desert of land rises up. cracked - arid and devoid of water...
there is no thought to inspire me.
there is no hunger. there is no thirst.
there is no idea to push or repel me...
i'am contained within a hallway that goes on forever.
i can not seem to find something to want...
there is no cieling above - simply two walls - the desert below...the grey above...
no beggining and no end...
i wait...
for a sign. for a word. for something to move.
i'am becoming the dust below me...
the blood pools...
the breath stops...
there is no sound.
there is nothing good.
there is nothing bad.
there is no color.
my eyes fade to white...
static.
repeat.
i wait.
the eternity of waiting...
in the hallway of the desert of the netherworld...
i wait...
then everything dissolves.
i'am in a room. the room is niether big or small.
there is nothing in the room but a chair and a tv screen.
i sit down.
tv commercials play across the screen.
i want things and can not have them...
i see things but can not touch them...
i'am disconnected.
there is nothing real. no nature. no life.
there are products...lots of products and fake smiles...
i'am numb.
i'am full of wanting things i don't need.
another eternity.
every commercial looks the same.
i nod off into sleep...into a trance...
the room disappears...
a big door.
i stand there forever.
the door opens...
first i hear a faint music...
the clatter of dishes. the din of laughter...
i sense warmth and wish to move toward it...
suddenly appearing is a grand dinning hall...
three large dusty chandeliers glowing above a magnificnent table. faded and peeling wallpaper coats the walls.
candelight adds a strange glow.
cobwebs are everywhere: on plates of food...
on the windows. in the corners, on the ghosts waltzing around...
the music grows louder.
it is glorious...
there is wine. goblets of water and drink.
outside lightning and thunder strikes and lights up the table and dance floor...
laughter. fun. drunkeness.
a party.
ghosts are everywhere.
in the psychic landscape of my life the ghosts are having a grand time.
they are dining on the buffet of my past.
skeletons in every corner waiting...dressed in tuxedos.
they smile.
dinner is served...
it is truly magnificent...
they are all having a good time.
they take no notice of me what so ever...
there is an empty chair, so i sit down...
a skeleton appears behind me and pulls a fine linen napkin off the table and places it on my lap...
"your order sir?" the skeleton requests...
i roll my eyes. "let me see...I'd like to have some nice wine and some beef steak..."
"very good." the skeleton says and waves his hand...
my hearts desire appears. the perfect cuts of beef before me, bathed in juice, with breads and vegetables...wonderful delicious desserts...
i try to take the food into my mouth. i eat but can not taste.
the skeleton nods and leaves...
more skeletons.
moving about the table. bringing things. taking away dishes...pouring wine. the way they move is delightful...
lady ghosts are dancing and flirting...they are dressed in turn of the century clothing. amazing gowns and hats...make up and hair-dos. the men are all in suits and tuxeudos...drinking brandy: they seem like true gentlemen.
they are toasting one another...
the feast of feasts...
the grandest party. everything is beautiful...
the ghosts shimmer and glow.
the skeletons are happy.
i raise my hand - three skeletons appear nodding and awaiting my request...
i look around and upon further examination i realize....the dinner guests - the ghosts are all people i knew. they are all people that have died...people i used to know...
laughing - smiling - eating - drinking - smoking - dancing...
my heart leaps open at the thought of being able to see them all - perhaps talk to them...
a music conductor taps his baton upon a podium. instructing the orchestra to play a waltz...
there is a stillness.
and then with precision and grace - every one dances...
lightning cracks again in the sky outside...
the room fills with a flash of blue....
there is laughter...and dancing...
and then -
i awake.
i'am in my bed.
i'am in my body.
sitting next to me is kiel.
>>>>>>>>>>
i awake.
i bring my hands to my eyes. to rub away the dream. i pull back the curtain. dalylight is just breaking. i look at the clock...5-30am...another day...
i place my feet on the floor.
like every morning i open my eyes. focus on the cieling above. nothing has changed. for me the day is not a new beggining but simply a continuation of regrets and pain...
the old yesterdays fold together and pin my mind to time and history. to the "matter" of my body.
my history. my body. my pain.
my baggage...
a continuation of forgotten hopes and dreams...weighting me down further...adding more residue.
the body moves. caffiene. nicotine...smoke.
inhale. pain. regret.
slowing down.
i pace to the coffee maker...
the same space. the same body. the same fears.
there is no comfort for me: it irritates me that everything is the same...
everything grows a little more grey...it seems a perfect fall day has appeared and grows a golden light rising to meet the scattering fog of the morning.
kiel....
Thursday, October 25, 2007
mike knight - rough draft...
XXX - Adults only - Mike Knight - A rough draft...
Current mood: blah
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
this bog is rated XXX
Adults only....over 18
if you are under 18
leave this page now
"Closer" by Nine Inch >>> Nails jan 07
you let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you
help me I broke apart my insides, help me I've got no soul to sell
help me the only thing that works for me, help me get away from myself
I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god
some random thoughts and Mike Knight...
4-32am - crisp - clear - winter morning...
random snow, dusts the streets of manhattan...reminds me of god...or something...
yeah...its seems, these days -- that
the larger part of my day is forgetting -- or trying to remember whether or not i took my meds...
i laugh -- a kind of - sad - pitiful, doesn't it figure...sort of...laugh...
like, yeah -- the meds...
of course in this world -- youd need medicine to keep you alive...and of course, the medicine is killing you at the same time...
chemicals...this world is all ablout the "chemicals..."
the insanity and the intoxications and medications and the noise...
hey -- i dunno about you bro...
i finally figured it out: i lost my illusions -- ah, delusions of, well, that everything was going to be ok...
a long time ago...
>>>it's easier for me to remember: walk around with the concious knowledge that: no -- it's (((not))) gonna be "ok..."
it's gonna be all fucked up...
and your -- your gonna be, "all fucked up" and well,
were just gonna be here together...
all fucked up together....
all on this planet together...
all fucked up...
together...
>>>>>>>pain...psychic pain...
the more evolved you become...the harder your life is...bro..
and
maybe someday youll really know and understand the value of "pain" here...
but in the meantime: read on...
ever since i can remember...
life here, was about: fear...
perhaps - some of you reading this have had charmed lives...
like, your family didn't give a shit if you were a fag or not...
or maybe:
you grew up -- surrounded by security...and feelings of safety...
or something like love, mom making hot chocolate in the afternoons for you...maybe...
you got some warmth: somewhere...
feelings of safety...
ponder that for a moment...
maybe...
you had a good childhood - whatever that means...
it means...
like -- you didn't have someone trying to pull your pants down, like, every five minutes...
well, or trying to "off you" -- somehow...medicate you -- sedate you....ah, rape you.....((rape me!!...i love that song...and kurt cobain...for that matter...the good ones do -- die young right??)
maybe you...
grew up in some suburb where everything was so pretty and white and clean and good...
like "middle america"
thats a killer...right?
no.
well, it didn't happen here...
no, not for me -- that didn't happen...
childhood is a time of fear....plain and simple...and lets face it...your subjected to all the nuerosis' of the adults around you...just sucking it up and taking notes...so when you get to be in your 30s -- well youll be addicted to all the right things...and all the wrong things....right?
perefectly fucked up in a perfectly fucked up world...
with a royally messed up life...just trying to be...all, :ah, perfect....
a "normal" childhood...
i wasn't ever really normal and truth be told -- i don't think anyone is "normal..."
normal...
ponder that...
when i grew up "Normal" was actually a setting on a washing machine....
>>>normal, regular, average....the middle...
just like an average joe...like a gardener. just giving the garden and flowers and plants some love and keeping away the weeds...that would be like heaven, to me...
A "normal" childhood...
i didn't get that bros...this is wisdom: sometimes ya --just get- what you get....and you have to say...ok. this is what i got...
now what am i gonna do with it...???
instead of wishing your life away...wanting something else...right?
>>>>>when i grew up -- if u knew u were a fag then basically -- u just had two choices...live in the closet or move up to hollywood and live with the fags...: in something they called the: "gay ghetto..."
you could be like a hairdresser or like a faggy designer or something...and still be "out" as they say..but not like a fireman or something cool...like and still just be like a gay -- regular dude...you didn't have that choice...back then...
it was complicated and extremly: "Gender specific" and kinda like living in a hellish nightmare of limitations...
whatever...
really, i kinda, wanted to be something...legit...right?
like a journalist...
or like a human being, in a factory...??
or a gardener...
or Batmnan...
i would have been a great lawyer...
fuck yeah, i can argue my way out of evils spells thrown at me from three -- "macbeth"witches...
(i realize that last line was totally random...) i don't care, it kinda fits the mood i'am in right now...
totally random...
yeah, fuck yeah...
this is not a sad story: it's a confirmation that you can have your plan....right? and well "god" -- She -- has hers....
and once god has her plan set for you -- well then,
theres no getting out of your destiny...
>>>>
like I said..i wanted to be something that lived in the light...
but satan, or some renegade band of dark and powerful angels, or...
some "other" power that i can not access, nor fight, in this body, or this lifetime...right now, wanted something totally different...for me...
i've been called: "The masterpiece of angels..." but what kind of angels...???
hehee
subversion...blackness...
deviance...
darkness...
sensuality...
lust...light: in the trenches...yep: that was always my destiny...
always trying to climb up into the light...and always trying to fly...perhaps like: icarus...too close to the light and then...
light...
another light...the black-light....a light -- that...
the world doesn't recognize...
the
"screaming-running-down the--hallways...in pain, too bright --- too much....light..."
got that?
an otherworldly light...
the light that brings stares and excites the pleasure centers...and fuck no - it never mattered that my brain was bigger than theres...
no...
you were gonna become a sex object...!!!
hows that for karma??
yeah...no matter what the fuck you did...your whole life was gonna be about sex and what you did sexually...
why?
because...
thats your destiny...
ur destiny...ponder that for a minute...
the divine plan...yeah, sometimes, your "destiny" is:
to take a walk through hell...
escorted by demons...the whole way...
fighting the demons, and talking to the angels...
and just wanting to go back "Home" to "god"...
but no...look at my fucking body...look at my ass and big dick...
made for sex...i was...but love?
welcome to the pleasure dome...
>>>>>>>
my destiny: was/is to always be surrounded by heat...
too much hot..:: white, white, almost black, it's soo white...>>>
blinding sexual hot-white...crown chakra heat - hot -- white/bluish -- out of your body heat>>>>light...
right?
bathed and drowned in it...
thrown at me from every angle...
so much light...
and so many dark rooms....and so many angels...and so many people in the dark needing to be thrown into the light...
>>>>>>>>>>>>
the value of darkness and isolation...
light.
with so much of it - that -- it screams loud in your aura...
that no, your never gonna be a lawyer, or no - even a legitimate - fine artist...or anything -- like human, like that...
no...to just be like an artist and be all quiet and calm and painting somehwere and getting paid...
walking through hell in order for the universe to carve you into a sage....well, it doesn't pay very well...and really, can u put that on a resume...the pratical application is: well, it doesn't exist....
>>>>>>>>>>
a fine artist...
(i studied the greats for ten years and drew - fine art drawings and painted on a daily basis...)
everything i painted was black, and blue and red...
melancholy and rage....and i tried to get a career going in a gallery or something...i really worship rothko and all the abstract expressionists, for that matter...
wanted to be like them...just floating and psilling out color and emotion onto a canvas...and yeah get paid...and be respected or something...
but no...
i'd go to galleries...."will you look at my portfolio??"
"would you be interested in showing this??"
"seeing my work...??"
..>>>>>>>we wanna see your dick...and ah -- ass...
not your paintings....
>>>>now right now, people want to be valued for their minds--and intellects...
higher thought and maybe like: divine intelligence...
right ?
no.
not in this world or this life or this country...nope: thats not gonna happen...
the world wants big dick and big tits and ass...and bling, and cash...and big houses, and to just be jerked of...and entertained...by well, nothing...but they always want more...eye candy...but it doesn't feed your soul...and this why we are spinning toward our deaths and always want they fuck out...and taking out meds...because our sould need to be fed: and yeah -- we are all starving...
starving to fix an ache in our souls...
finally you realize...that people are all sucking off the same metaphorical...(is that a word?) cultural..."meth pipe" -- so to speak and no -- they can't even recognize you or what you are...
there are blind and can not see...and all they want to see if the next naked pic of your hole...right?
well ok then...u want hole...here is it...
the black hole of wanting...for ever and ever wanting and never even knowing what you want....
or what you need...
forever in a slumber of the shadows -- entranced...plugged into the "matrix..."
the world is a sleep....
they are a sleep plato's cave...
looking at the shadows - but never really seeing or touching the light...the light inside...
the light...
outside...
you try to tell them that love is not fear...or try to remove their shackles...their mental bondage:
well -- forget it...
you have to really just fucking throw them into the light and kinda burn them....
throw them into the pool of god...and give them their wake - up call...right??
>>>>
truly: if the "savior" of the planet or even your life...
walked right up to you...>>>even money says that: youd bludgeon him/her to death...right then and there....for healing you...
and for daring to give you love or the "real" version of it...which is of course, to wake you the fuck up...from your delicate, toxic slumber...of unconiousness....sp?
>>>do you like this painting of mine...all blue and muted and nice...???
i always wanted to be a porn star....
>>>>>>>>>>>>
finally, yeah i got something i wanted....
mr. sex object...yeah -- it does -- it turns me on...to know theres a thousand guys right now jerking off to pics of me in cyber-space...fuck yes!!!
hard bones everywhere loking at my pics...all the guys thinking what they would do with me and my big dick...and the pleasure we all could have...
sex object -- ponder that one...
sex object....
hey, don't feel sorry for me...
yeah i wanted to be a normal -- fucking dude, with a truck and ah like a girlfriend...and a dog..."c'mere, scruffy..."
but no...nope, as hard as i tried: everytime i looked at a guy -- i got a knot in my ass and a lump in my throat...and the only thing i wanted to do was fall to my knees and worship his light and masculinity and male beauty...and i love men, and the way they smell and feel and fuck me and kiss me...yep: in this world thats called: queer...man on man sex and love...
thats what your punished for...because your dick gets hard and your heart goes soft when you look at another guy...
punishment...
ponder that...
punished because of what you feel...
don't fell sorry for me....
sex object...
punishment....
feelings...
love....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
ur destiny.....
i'am (just) saying that:
what we are, in this lifetime and in this particular incarnation...screams so loud that yeah...
i don't think we can change alot of it...most of it...all of it...???
look i shake hands with a guy: guess what?
the grin on my face says: "big dick here...bro... wanna see it?"
>>>it's in my aura...
thats my destiny...to make thousands of men happy...with my big dick...and finally i'am saying to myself -- ok -- allright then -- sure -- why not ??
ya know what...why the fuck not???
yep -- i'am and i admit it: i'am fucking walking porn....
porn...my dick arrives five minutes before i do...the sound of my voice and the way my body smells...like a fucking hot orgy locker --room...i swear, men would kill to get a whiff of my pits...my bros -- they come over just to smell my pits....
my pits: they ((always)) smell like: pure hot -- hercules...spartacus...
kinda warm/hot man funk sex....thats right...
it's in my aura, man...
it's even in my smell...
i was made to be gang banged...in a jock strap...one by one --on down the line...
i was created by gay renegade angels....
yep....
"The masterpeice of angels..."
???
had to be gay angels -- right...
i hate them for making me -- and i love them for making me...but they did make me, and well, here i'am...
I can't really die and i'am not sure how to live...
>>>>> life is funny and amusing if nothing else...
as they say:
life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think...or was that the other way around?
>>>
so, years ago -- carrying around my portfolio, and showing curators, and gallery owners my wares, i somehow -- always ended up in the basement, of said galleries, ah -- hearing the same thing: which was something akin to:
"yeah -- this would look alot better with your pants down..."
>>>>>>>>>>>
although -- one photo of mine was choosen to be in the "Curators choice" at the gay art foundation in nyc...
the permanent collection...ah...but,
ah, >>>>>>>>> it's a photo of my dick, of course....
>>>>>>>>
>>> I came from money...
thats funny - is it not...? that expression...
I came from money...
hahaaa
yep, sure did...
and everything was scrubbed and clean and new...and ah, well, cost alot of money...where i came from...
but no, that didn't mean i was happy....just because we had money...
happiness...
ponder that -"candyland" "molasses swamp" of logic for a moment..."Why aren't you "Happy""
no...sorry--->>>
money cant you love -- but...it does buy cocaine...and hustlers for that matter...so who cares???
money....
ponder that one -- for a minute...
if money weren't the issue....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
what money buys:
pause....
>>>>>>>>>>
new valium prescriptions for mom...of course...
and
seven new boats for dad...two pool boys, and three gardeners...and a full time mechanic...and ah -- one lonely, dark son -- in the corner writing poetry and ah..."Weird" stories...
but i was wearing "polo" blazers and khakis and cole haan loafers...right?
>>>my mother screams...
"Why can't you be like the other boys...((Damien)))" ???
they had a fucking -- little gay "witch" and budding "porn star" on their hands...
for chrissake...
the other boys...
yeah...so help me god this is true...
one afternoon...i lined them all up -- on the side yard of our house...and well, made all of them pull down their pants...
like in a "line up" and looked all their (adolescent) butts...to see which one i liked the best...
((i was 10 years old at that time...))
wow - a boy "dominatrixx" at age ten...
my poor mother....god bless her...the shit she had to put up with...like five phone calls from the other mothers, whoose kids came running home, crying:
"Sean made me pull down my pants...and he looked up my butt..."
hehehe
"mom, they liked it.. was all i could confess..."
yeah my poor mom...what do you do with a kid like that??
in like 1970...?
it got worse...
yep -- there i was...16 years old, writing "weird" ((sex)) stories and all glazed over in pain and fear and all that light...
the perfect "OC" shade of light emanating from my lost and far away -- "nobody home" glazed over -- glossed over stare, that the world craves in it's wounded and incested and ultra-wealthy-priveldged...youth...
>>>>>>>>>>>>fuck...more coffee...hang on...
ok I'am rambling...ah, i just woke up...
and ah - no...
i can't remember where I'am in my med course...
>>>>i think i'll take the --"Anti-Seizure" med right now...god forbid i should tell my doc that,...those little red pills get me so fucking high i can't even see straight,
...no i would never tell her that -- because if i did, of course she'd change it, and switch me to something else...
>>>>>>>>>
side effects...
ponder that one..for a minute...
you take a pill because you can't sleep...
>>>>>>> then you take a pill because you can't wake up...
and then you take a pill...because your going to die...and of course, the pill is actually killing you...
all the while -- it is saving your life....
ponder that...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
the worst sin here, in this lifetime,, is to enjoy your life...
thats a fact, or to be free: and everyone wants to enjoy life and be free, and the minute that you hint at -- or let on that --
that maybe -->>>youve gotten close to that...to being "Free..."
well it's a dog-pile...
of all your closest sp? friends telling you -- to -- change everything...
or something...
yeah, theres something wrong with you...
and were going to find out what it is...and fix you....
because your living under the delusion that life might be worth living or that somehow you've escaped...
ponder the metaphor//allegory?
:of "plato's" cave story...for a minute...
>>>you free yourself and walk out into the light...
and then you return to tell all your kindreds -- that...
"hey - i got free and got away...from the chains -- in the cave and theres light out there...follow me...it's really cool out there - in the light and it's real...the "shadows..." on the cave walls are not real...they are indeed, just shadows..."
well, of course they are going to tear you limb from limb....
why ? because --- (((i love you...))) because they are so comfortble being ---trapped...
of course...trapped and limited: to fly is scary...
to be away from the "pack..." is frightning...
and this - >>>to be free: out there alone>>>
that is -- free and unlimited ---: is, to be a "god..."
here...
release them..they will not thank you -- no they won't...
tell them or try to set them free...and they surely will
pull you back into the cave and re-chain you to the wall...or medicate you so heavily that well, your not even going to be able to talk...enough to tell anyone the truth...
am i making sense...?
yet?
>>>stop making sence...sense...
>>>>>
>>>age 12 -- wrote a suicide note: got sent to a shrink...
>>>age 16 - wrote a love letter about my uncle...he was a marine, actually, blonde and blue eyed and buffed...
got sent to a shrink...
age 24 -- got sent away to an asylum..for admitting that i wanted to end my life...during a "Co-dependancy rehab..."
(in ah.. of all places...pennsylvania...) which is a whole nother sp? story...
age 27: all my friends were either dead or dying...
told a social worker i was in grief...and angry...
(a real --"blonde" suburban cunt...)
yeah -- >>>>> got sent to a shrink...
i dunno - life is like a series of...
(hey guess what?? i'am not in 20s anymore, so ---
i can make declarative statements, like that...now:
about "life" >>> ive got experience...and lived --alot -
i can say things like.."life is like this..."
yeah, sure can fucker...
ive all ready lived about ten lives...
ten lifetimes...
and yeah all ready been dead five times and had three major breakdowns...((ah, break-throughs...))
all in this tiny -- "on fire" with rage and funky -- ((sex- smell))
fucked up ((sex)) stories...embedded...in this:
my body -- my flesh>>>my blood-life-energy...aura..
and psyche body of mine -- now covered with 20 tats (and counting) to commorate the milestones of my lifehere...
no --
it doesn't seem "real" actually...seems all like a dream..
a wet dream - of course....
...but suffice to say...alot has happened and yeah...just like an old vampire..who wanders the material world for eons and eons...
ok? perhaps switching bodies or personaes on occasion...
well, i've seen it all -- yeah four times...bro...seen it all ...
yeah, every man in need, rich and poor:
looking up to me...on his knees...and deep into his soul...
and i (almost) always kiss them -- right before they suck my cock...and i say: i love you...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
ok man, where was i???
i forgot what i was saying....
not that it mattered at all: but since your still reading this, hehee -- well, then i'll continue...on
now...
where were we?
feelings....i love you....
love....
yeah --
i don't really think i'am human...anymore...
and not quite a "god" yet: soo - then, what am i??
angels: "Please tell me what i'am and why you made me???"
>>>>>>>>>>>
my destiny: to be a god among mortals...something called the: "Bonerage"...a renegade angel....an "eolhim"...of sorts...
the shinning one...walking among the humans...because i see everything...
can see into men's souls and know there ache...
humans....
to be human...and have that ache...that nobody undertands...
and if you look into my eyes: you always know that i understand...thats what "hustlers" do...they take away the "ache..."
the ahce...
ponder that....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
everytime i acted like a "human" and did something perfectly logical...A plus B equaled C - in most cases...
yeah i got carted off to a shrink...
fucking shrinks bro...
oh -- you don't fit in...??? your not :normal...???
having trouble -- "fitting in..."
then i guess your going to the shrink...
wanna talk back? -- yeah, your going to the doctor...
wanna tell us how fucked we are...?
yeah
ah, guess what -- your getting medicated...
your getting some "treatment..." ah yeah, for your -- belligerence...
or your "curable" >>>>>...homosexuality...
or for your refusal to deform yourself...
and become -- "just like us..."
scared--- and trapped...
>>>>>>>>>>>>
normal....not normal...
"your not normal..." and not like -- "the other boys..."
>>>>>>>>>>your going to the shrink...
for the fact that your "Strange..." or different...or something ah---special..yeah we don't have time for anything that might wake us the fuck up and rouse up from our sleep - walking ((fucked - up -- nuerotic lives -- in pursuit of the material world...) lives....
and make us realize or confront anything : like : "God..."
>>>>>>>>>>>"your going to the shrink...
"it's for you own good..."
thats a riot!
i love that one....for your own good....
and yeah...:"Were trying to help you..."
ah, >>>>"we love you...."
"were trying to help you...."
>>>help me --
what? commit suicide???
god....
god -- something alive and pure and transforming...
something beautiful and fresh...
???
i dunno...
i was -- 12 years old and sitting in front of a lone candle...
with my eyes closed...
meditating:
even before i had read the teachings of Lao tszu...sp?
or about the taoist immortals...
or even the
"ascended masters" or a place called: shambala...
or nirvana...
or of:
jivanmukta's...or even of jinanis.. sp? or of the: bonerage or even the "Elohim..."
anyway...
row - row - row your boat...gentley down the stream...strange...
((just sit tight..here - i'll get to the raunchy "sex part" of the story...-- i promise...))
>>>>>>>
the shrink:
yeah - your going to the doctor, cuz theres something "wrong" with you...cuz...you don't fit in...
your going to the "Shrink..."
ponder that one...the "Shrink..."
hahaha! i'am laughing my ass off...right now --
ah, my head off -- my shrunken head....off, of course....
right off >>>>>>>>>>
"ok look at these ink blots and tell me what you see??"
>>>>>>>>>
the ink blots...
ink blots:
the first time i saw the ink blots...i laughed...
"are you fucking kidding me...???
"you want me to look at ink blots...?
i don't "see" anything...
i see ink...on a white piece of paper..."
>>>>>>>>>
talk about a fucked up way to get someone to conform...
conform...
to the worlds mental illness...
insanity...
menatal illness...take your meds...
>>>>>>yeah the world is mentally ill...
surprise...
yep.....
wake up...
yep...to the whole fucked up mess...
everyone is mentally ill...here...the world is mentally sick...
and all of it's systems are - ah, mentally ill...
and all of the governments are - ah, mentally ill...
and a world that pretends to be so full of "god" and good...and light >>>>
will actually kill and destroy anything that is really, like..."god...'
right?
and when they say: it's because "we love you"
...or
"do it for jesus..."
well, you get a whole nother idea of what the world calls...love...
and love here...in this reality...bro --
you dont, fucken want it...
trust me...
when someone says to you --"i love you..."
run the other way....
when they say that..."i love you...."
what they really mean is:
"i will do everything in my power to fucking kill you..."
and trap you...and maim you and ah, punish you...
>>>it means -- they hate you ---
"yeah, take your shit and get the fuck out...!!!"
how mant times have i heard that one...or said it myself...
yeah...
yeah -- man -- "i love you" -- man...
"love you -- mean it -- " heheee
it really means:
stay with me here, trapped as i 'am...and put on these handcuffs...and well die together, suffocating each other...one (toxic) day at a time...
i love you -- i promise....
right ?
>>>>>>>>>>>>
ah -- perspective...
no -- you can't....
>>>>one does not get the perspective --- my perspective...
on things, until yeah, you've roamed the heavens and the earth for eons, like a vampire...for - ever and have seen all the crimes; (of humanity) an of love and all the pain and fear...
and rage....that looks like love...
the entire world -- built on lies and rage and fear...and love:
but then -- boom: it all falls down ...breaks apart...and the center -- does not hold...
and once youve seen thnigs breaking apart...like your mind or your world...or your heart....breaking -- down
then you realize that humanity is basically: simply: totally:
mentally ill...or ah, just royally -- fucked up...
and dis-eased and toxic and well, ah, fucked up...bro...
and it will always be fucked up and no - it will never, ever be:
"not fucked up..."
is that clear enough for you...? doc...?
ink blots...
my doc to me:
"do you ever "see" things...ah, things that aren't there...?"
"well, ((ass-wipe)) how can i see them -- if there, -- not...ah, not "there" - doc??"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
ink blots...
well...
what do i see? in this blob of ink??
-- on this piece of white paper...?
ok bro...i'll play the game...
because if i don't play your game then i'am---
"severely -- disturbed..." right?
then i'am: "manic and refuse to fit in...and somewhat --"depressed..." right??
"Depressed and severley disturbed..."
official diagnosis...
age 16 and ah -- age 26...and ah..."neurotic..." with "severe behavioral problems..." age 35...
"inability to accept "reality"...." age 40...
reality....: is.....
reality --
is bullshit...man...
and no your not gonna trap me ever again....in your giant -- human, mind-fuck -- a rama...pal...nope -- never again....
maybe it's time that you, doctor --
"take the meds...."
can't aqccept "reality"
but whoose reality are we talking about ??
the hellish one that -- your creating and sucking the world into ----- buying????
the greed is good, build bombs, buy things, rape me and send all the young -- beautiful boys to war...to get their heads blown off, you need to be medicated because your different, and not mr. hetero---consumer -- reality...bro-- ????
is that reality that i can't accept???
>>>>>if i'am the "devil" to a world that allows 12 year olds to be fucked by preists in the name of god...or loves and lives for violence...and ah, plastic surgery, and mindless entertainment...and toxic food...add to the list-- then ah yeah fuck yeah...i guess i'am the devil....
and pretty damm proud to be that...
the world's dark angel....
a demon to all the world's religious "right" who would slit my throat and sleep like a baby afterwards...saying amen...after the deed was done...
then yeah -- here i'am...telling the masses: hey guess what?
"god" is no where near a church...and hasn't been there -- >>>>>>>>>forever...
the messiah...means: the annointed one...
>>>>>>>>>
the habitrail of insanity...greed and rape...
reality...whoose reality???
>>>>>>>>>
your done...u white -- dead - inside, dinosuars...you stale fucking, putrid, wreeking of death, zombies....
on the air-waves...you will not rape my mind...nor my body, nor make me -- kneel to your "god" -- of fear....
and for this i will be torn -- limb from limb...>>>>>>>>
life begins at 40>>>>>>>>>>>>
age 40...i walk off the path...after my fifth near death experience...
i leave the world -- to it's own devices...i turn off the tv and sit alone....i go off:
the habitrail of insanity...
and into the jungle of nothingness...
into the cosmos of god...
and let the fuck go...and well, fall into the bowels of back rooms and sex clubs and emerge to become:
an angel to the lost --->>>>>
a porn star -- of sorts...
finally meeting my destiny...to help the soul-sick...
the lost children...commanding the elements...
fully aware of my power and light...
i emerge as:
a shaman....
a sexual shaman....no less....
life begins at 40...indeed...it does...
40
i awoke...roamed the heavens...and laying in a hospital bed...
watching a "portal" open up...as i was about to die....yep...
and boom...it all became clear....
enlightenment...
age 45...
clarity.........
((realizing everything was and is "bullshit"
((see "plato'plato"s cave...above"))
life is like:............
god is like....heaven is like...
i know what heaven is like...been there three times...
and twice to hell.....
decided to come back to earth....
ink blots----------->>>
what do you see???
ok Sean...
>>>>>>>>>now, look at these ink blots and tell me what you see....
ok...
ink blots...
"ok doc...what do i see ?"
I see: blood everywhere...
i see: insanity and pain...
I see: people who are dead and dying and have no souls...
I see: moeny and ah, dead people....
i see: a shrink that totally insane and quite (mentally) ill...
ah....
i see: fear.....
>>>>>>>>>>
"your son is deeply disturbed...i'am afraid...."
>>>>>>
what really happens when a budding - sarcastic, psychic, enlightened>>>16 year old budding homosexual with the soul of a sage and the dick of a porn star starts to realize:
"It's all bullshit...and ah, your just mad at me cuz well, i'am smarter than you..."
>>>>>
yeah ----
you can medicate me and my libido but really,
it's just going to incite me to become -- something even stronger and more powerful....
i'll just get stronger and louder and more powerful...and i'll get away....i'll run away, theres got to be someplace where i can shine and live and not fit in and hide all at the same time....
yeah...
manhattan....here i'am....
i'am not gonna die...i'll go back to earth and live -- because heaven won't take me and hell couldn't hold me....
it all just made me stronger....
they all tried to kill me -- i lay in a hospital bed, shrunken and dying...my skin peeling away, my light fading, but then -- my human life passed away....i began to shine...and my body grew strong again...the angels did not want me to go...
i was going to die...i was supposed to die...
i kinda did die -- and then was re-born....
>>>>>>>>>i didn't die....it all just made me stronger....
beautiful and powerful...and knowing...
>>>>>>>>>>>
"what ever doesn't kill you makes you stronger"
thank you -->>>...albert camus...
stronger ---
and well, smarter...and you, well, you doc??
your just gonna get more toxic...aren't you bro...???
see ya in hell...man...
with your ink blots...
>>>>>>>
go ahead and tell a doctor - a shrink when your 16 to go to hell....and, that you see blood, and insanity -- everywhere...
in a series of ink blots....(hehehe) fuck him...
blood and murder and rape...everywhere...
>>>>>deeply disturbed...???
yeah -- yes i'am...and why aren't you ??
deeply disturbed....
((have you watched the 6 o clock news lately....?))
my first shrink...
like i said: fuck him....
what a sick fuck he was -- bad breath and bad dandruff and all..fuck him -- twice...yep...
probably shaking the priests hand at communion on sunday, just before he greased up his cock to slid it into a line up of chior boys...yeah baby ...taking it up the ass --
for "jesus" -- of course...
and then going home and jacking off to porn imported from Sweden, the kind with 12 year olds in it...
((this was before the internet...when you actually had to "buy" porn....right?
when it was an actual...magazine...))
anyway...
sex object..........
>>>yeah i got caught having sex with the gardner...
and the pool boys and ah, the mechanic...and ah yeah,
my uncle...
oops - thats not supposed to happen...right?
sucking off -- the staff...the butler and the chauffuers and the
guy that brings the flowers every week...
16 years old...all ready -- almost? a sex addict...
or a sex god -- or just a god -- or something...knowing and full of rage and -- genius...and a pretty twisted sense of reality...
to the maid:
"if you don't leave me alone...i'll tie you up and put you in the closet....ok man -- no fuck off...and get out..."
actually -- i really liked her.......
16 going on 17...(an empty page that men will want to write on...)
my vocabulary was like that of a college professor...
where is he learning those words???
(((we need a dictionary to talk to our son....)))
yeah -- i was smarter than them -- than all of them...
and they didn't like that...
like i said: fuck them....
the smirk on my face always said the same thing:
"fuck you...i'am smarter than you are..."
"your pathetic and your life is pathetic..as well..."
"your insignificant and i'am insignificant and none of this really matters..."
go ahead, tell your shrink that, when your 16 years old....
and see what the fuck happens//>>>>>>> tell the truth and get the punishment...just like jesus...
"I'am afraid...your son is: deeply disturbed..."
>>>>>>>>>>the truth...
they will try to wear you down: into submitting to their will...
into being "Toxified" and terrified..and full of fear...and just as fucked up and neurotic as them...
doing exactly to your kids what you had done to you...
right...???
and so it goes...
16 years old and trapped in the 70s...
16 going on 17...((innocent as a rose...totallly unprepared am i to face a world of --- men....)) wicked grin...(sound of music...)
16...going on 17...
i got my drivers license and went straight to hollywood boulevard...to see the prositutes...yep - sure did...
16 going on 99...
one side of my psyche...full of wanton - and unapologetic...
butt-fuking lust and wanting...
the other: pocessing the eyes that have seen god...
and enlightened...
seen god: of course...five times now...and yeah always...
"near death..."
what is life?: if not a long -- near-death...experience...
???
>>>>>>>>>>>>
mike knight...
the perfect example of what happens when you become adjusted, well adjusted to a sick society, no, thats not a judgment call, just a statement of fact...
he was the epitome...of:
the mask of (in)sanity...
so to speak...
they got to mike and yep -- they mind-fucked poor mike...
mike knight...senior vp -- for global investment...raking in around a mill a year...he was perfect...he was:
the perfect looking man, with the perfect apartment, and the perfect hair-do...and the perfect wardrobe...
and the perfect ass...for that matter...and as destiny would have it: me and mr. mike would meet, one evening...late...very late...on the street...a date with destiny...
the dark angel and mr perfect...
nobody gets to me by mistake...no - they don't - you cross my path:
it means your entire existence is going to be transformed...
ut means your ready to be set free: thats what i'am and thats what i do...your own personal "sin eater..."
mike knight...: the absolute epitome of everything this world respects and worships...
he was about to confront his other side...
his mask was about to break off -- bit by bit and piece by piece...
mike knight -- perfect in every way...
he had everything - he had it all...except his soul...
there was nowhere for mike to go...except to his knees, in front of me...
"you wanna come upstairs?" he asks me on the street...and smiles a perfect smile...
"ahh.. yeah sure..." i smile....kind of innocent...yeah - and coy....fuck yeah..."sure..." ((i was low on blood anyway...)
"yeah sure..." wink -- wink...
mike knight: i'am sure to him i was just another -- "rough trick" hed use up -- suck the life out of and then discard and throw away....
heheee..........no not this time...
in manhttan @ 4-20am on the street you never know who your dealing with....right?
we walk into the door...
of his perfect apartment...with the perfect dog - of course, and the perfect couch...and the perfect hallway, with too much light...and pulls out a vile...of white powder and graces the perfect marble counter with a perfect line and well, perfectly sucks it up his nose...a satisfied grin on his face looking at me like -- i'am some kind of appetizer at nobu...that he will soon eat and then forget....
to the ultra-rich -- you are something to be amused by and played with for awhile...i know this first hand...trust me...
>>>>the mask of sanity....
ponder that one...
>>>>>>>>>>
i could always see into people's souls...
or see through -- their mask's...and had no problem telling them what i saw....
"take your meds..."
yeah...right...
seeing into men's souls....@ 4am in midtown manhattan....
knowing --- the curse off "knowing..."
my other curse is: (of course) is:
to be the proud owner of an exxtra thiick 8 inch dick, of course...waving it all around in everyone's face...and saying...: you can't have it...bro...
well, maybe...
maybe -- hehee
you can suck it..and maybe you can even fuck me...
yeah, you can have my ass,
but ah..well:
youll never have "me"....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pause...mike knight...
the masks we wear...
the one thats says we are pure and innocent and full of light...
innocent -- : the "good" one...
thats the mask - mike knight was wearing the night we met....
but i saw through it -- because -- i loved him....
i looked beyond the moeny and the apartment...andhis million dollar smile...and saw what was really there...what was really behind his cocaine addiction and sex addiction and fear and ambition...and success...panic, and rage and fear...
>>>>>>help me....
this is why i'am a "god" here...in this reality --
because i know that money is not going to fix it...
boy do i know that...
if i don't know anything, i sure do -- know that...
any really -- nobody else can see that -->>>>>>>>
the world can't see that -- but i can...
when people see a piece of paper framed on the wall..or a red tie and white shirt and a blue blazer, they think: money and money in america means -- good...and sanity...
and god and "right..."
and if your a shrink then of course, your mentally healthy -- right? i mean you must be...right?
like i said: fuck him and fuck them all....
those toxic -- sick fuckers...who murder and steal money and fuck 12 year old boys...and call themselves "god..." and good...
i know them and what they are...
>>>>>
we all could have saved alot of time if my mother would have gone to the shrink and dealt with her own homophobia...
but thats a whole nother therapy session....
pause...
right??
sorry -- that was the 70s...
back then: oh...your a fag?
yeah -- back then -- if you were dumb enough, to admit or ah, get caught...ah, doing it....with the pool boy...add to the list :
then yeah --
you were considered: "mentally ill..."
"your going to sunday school...your going to bible camp...your going to church..."
connect the dots...
thats right -- >>>singing in the chior...
i was the favorite - in the choir...of course...
for jesus....amen...
thats a good boy...yeah -- just like that...good boy...for jesus...
>>>>>>>>>>>>
the mask of sanity...
google that and youll get some interesting reading...
the mask...
you can be a murderer - in this country -- or even be a high level ranking military officer or senator or whatever...
but as long as you go on Tv and say: "I didn't -- do it..."
and your wearing a brook's brother suit...
well...
as long as you look innocent in america...
then you are innocent...
as long as you face is white: of course...
and you have the money to hire the right lawyers then...
yes !
fuck yes...your innocent and ah, "Good"
right ...??
((come to think of it -- oj's face is not white...))
anyway...
>>>>>>>>>>
the mask of sanity...or having fun when you've got alot of money and how to break the law...and get away with it...
>>>there couldn't possibly be anything sinister happening in a church -- it's a house of: god....
right?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
god and money: the things of this world...
money...
the rich are innocent....
and as we all know --- they never lie...(they never have gay sons either - for that matter...)
presits never fuck 14 year old boys and --
god is money and -- money is god...if and if have money then your good and god...and if your in the church your good and god...
yeah....ok...
love is hate and hate is love...and the meds your taking are going to kill you faster than the original dis-ease...
that really, you never had in the first place...
but how else were we going to get you addicted to all --
all the ((pretty) meds ((with pretty sounding names))
and all the side effects...
and siphon...sp? off
your lifeforce...
and basically kill you...
pause...
for money -- of course...
in the name of jesus...of course -- amen...
and
god bless america....
rape me....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
what is god???
god is gentle...
god is creative...
god doesn't murder...does he? does she?
or is god just an energy -- raging and perfect and surging...
and everything..the love and the kindness and the murder and earth and blood and sky and blue flowers...
and light snow coating the basket ball court across the street from my apartment in hells kitchen???
????
emanations of light...
projections of light...
transforming...light...
particles of light...
we are....
light....
like a movie projector...projecting light...and manifesting bodies...to ah, explore, on the material planes...
and yeah we love blood and violence and drama...and death and dis-ease....
right?
because if we didn't then we wouldn't create so much of it...and then broadcast it 24 hours a day...
on the TV....yep...inter-s-pursed with a million drug commercials...
telling you that there is something wrong with you...
of course...serving up the dis-ease of the hour....
here bro: here is the dis-ease of the day
...and:
heres the cure...by the way...
just ask you doctor...
who, really is not a doctor at all but actually --
more like a drug pusher....
or a great salesman...
cashing in on your un-happiness...and dis-ease...however it manifests....
not happy???
ah -- we need to medicate you and your pain....
and make you "happy..." cuz if your not "Happy..." then something is wrong...
right?
>>>>>>>>>
particles of light...
quantum mechanics...
there is an infinite amount of outcomes...
at any given minute...all played out...into a million different realities...just take you pick....
the psychic -- multiplex...cinema of the mind and light and shadow....
fuck i think i took my meds twice.....
>>>>>>>>>>>
particles of light...
we are all, just particles of light...
a giant tv screen, of particles...
of lap top -- desk top, sequences of numbers that light up in a certain way...and well. kind of -- walk around...amnifesting bodies as that light...
we are particles of light...
simple molecules....of light...of god...
of energy....
of love....?
>>>everything breakdown to particles...
and guess what - when you break down the particles and look inside them - they are basically -- nothing...
we are basically nothing...
but vapors of light...
yeah kinda like -- no -- just like - that --- in the "matrix..." movies...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>we are numbers...on a key-board...a giant "Simms" program...particles of energy, beign directed by a supreme being or not...programs...or programmed....to do something....and yeah, theres no getting out of your destiny...
is there?
check out...the myth of sysphiis... sp?
if everything is pre-destined...then why live at all...?
it should be noted here that the so called: "Existentialists" all committed suicide....btw...well most of them...like albert camus...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
mike knight...and the pleasure model...
one of the most toxic people i have encountered...yeah...
and yeah he had a big dick also and a hot ass...which he shoved a "bump" of coke into -- in the bathroom...right after he found his black jock strap...in the pile of dirty clothes...
in a closet full of "thomas pink" -- ((350.00$) shirts and "Armani" 2000.00$ dollar suits...
mr. knight was a high level...banking executive...there he was -- 4am -- ass in the air...a bump of coke up his ass and a bottle of poppers to his nose...ready to get fucked...in his 2500.oo dollar a mont apartment...and there i was...
a kind of gay...dirty harry...shaman...hustler...doctor of the soul...ready to take mr. knight down to the bowels of hell and take his demons...out and bring him face to face with them...
yeah...hey guess what...i'am gonna show you your own self --hatred...and i'am gonna do it -- with my dick up your ass...and while i'am fucking you...i'am gonna make you cry --
by asking you...
"Tell me how much you fucking hate yourself...to be getting fucked like a pig...on the floor...you are so beautiful...and look at yourself...why are you trying to destroy yourself...you have everything but you have nothing -- do you bro? your just a scared little boy that wants to get fucked by daddy...well, here i'am...say it-- : fucker...I wanna hear you say how much you hate yourself...!!! (i'am fucking him harder now as i yell that at him...)) say it fuck head...you want my load...? is that what you want...? bare-backing at 5am -- all high on coke....gonna go to the office in three hours and put together another banking deal...that will make sure people like you get more and more and that people like me will get less and less? is that it fucker??
i wanna hear you say that i'am your god...and that my dick..is your god and that you worship the ground i walk on..."
and that you hate yourself...because you need me...and my darkness..."
the guy broke...while i was fucking him and began to cry...and the two worlds met...crashing together...the two personaes...collided...the one that wore the black jock strap and the one that wore the 350.00 dollar shirt...and his insanity cracked and his mask feel to the floor...
wake up...
he was sobbing...and i loved him....for that ..
yeah to do that for him...
give him "therapy" like that....
pull off his shackles and yank him into the light -- out of platos cave - like that...
(((clear mind and clean body...)))
i cant shake that bro...
of all the guys ive done things for: mike knight...
there was something about him...
i dunno...
i'am the transformer...basically thats my job here...
to simply transform things...
like your mind, like other people's thoughts, and maybe even the world...i dunno...
morpheus...
maybe i'am -- something like,
"the one..."
i certainty was: "the one..." for mike knight...
his "transformer..." thats for sure...
yep. after me -- he'd never be the same...again...
wasn't the kindest -- "wake up" "call" i ever did,
but ah...you fit the "medicine" to the patient...right?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
more coffee - and fuck i think no -- i'am sure that
i took my "anti-seizure" meds twice...
well one thing is for sure today...
i def, will not have a seizure....
today...
right ?
hold that thought....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
your a special case.....
i love that expression...
"special case..."
ponder that one for a minute....
mike knight was a special case...
and what a hole he had...awesome...
one of the finest...and yeah he asked for it so i gave it to him...a hot thiick creamy load up his ass...
"descent into madness..."
heheee....
being a "dark-angel" is a dirty business, but yeah somebody has got to do it...and that would be me...thats my destiny....
destiny....
ponder that one...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>born to die and dying to be re-born...
full of dis-ease...when dis-ease is not really, real...
miracles....
if your dis-ease disappears..then it's called: a miracle...
right?
but what if you simply -- just realized that all dis-ease isn't real...and that "god" was everywhere...
and that yeah...everything was -- "beautiful..."
then what??
and that even the darkness was god...
and that "god" was the darkness...
not the darkness alone -- but yeah was also -- the darkness and that pain was beautiful...
and too much light can kill you...
yep, it sure can bro...
it's killing you right now...and you don't even know it...
it was killing mike knight...but i saved his soul....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
a breakdown...
so really now - what is a "breakdown" except your inability to continue to "fit in" to a mentally ill system...
a rejection of all the suppressions...
>>>>>>>>
and yeah, what if:
you just let it all -- come "out"
finally...
yeah go ahead...let it all out...and bled off the pressure...
thats right baby...just let it out...
and i'am gonna hold you while you do it...right here, in my arms, i'am gonna give you "love..." real love...
yeah it hurts to know that someone loves you -- doesn't it?
pain feels good because were used to it..but love -- real love...when someone gives it to you...fuck shit oh my god...
it hurts...
like oxygen...to the suffocating...you breathe...
for the first time...and realize...you've been a sleep -- all this time....
a new heaven on earth --- so to speak....
and yeah -- welcome...to the "real" world....
>>>>>>>>>
the real world...ponder that one....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
the first rule of becoming and being immortal:
or having eternal life:
first you have to die...
ponder that one....
and by the way...
i love you....
Sean...
Current mood: blah
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
this bog is rated XXX
Adults only....over 18
if you are under 18
leave this page now
"Closer" by Nine Inch >>> Nails jan 07
you let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you
help me I broke apart my insides, help me I've got no soul to sell
help me the only thing that works for me, help me get away from myself
I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god
some random thoughts and Mike Knight...
4-32am - crisp - clear - winter morning...
random snow, dusts the streets of manhattan...reminds me of god...or something...
yeah...its seems, these days -- that
the larger part of my day is forgetting -- or trying to remember whether or not i took my meds...
i laugh -- a kind of - sad - pitiful, doesn't it figure...sort of...laugh...
like, yeah -- the meds...
of course in this world -- youd need medicine to keep you alive...and of course, the medicine is killing you at the same time...
chemicals...this world is all ablout the "chemicals..."
the insanity and the intoxications and medications and the noise...
hey -- i dunno about you bro...
i finally figured it out: i lost my illusions -- ah, delusions of, well, that everything was going to be ok...
a long time ago...
>>>it's easier for me to remember: walk around with the concious knowledge that: no -- it's (((not))) gonna be "ok..."
it's gonna be all fucked up...
and your -- your gonna be, "all fucked up" and well,
were just gonna be here together...
all fucked up together....
all on this planet together...
all fucked up...
together...
>>>>>>>pain...psychic pain...
the more evolved you become...the harder your life is...bro..
and
maybe someday youll really know and understand the value of "pain" here...
but in the meantime: read on...
ever since i can remember...
life here, was about: fear...
perhaps - some of you reading this have had charmed lives...
like, your family didn't give a shit if you were a fag or not...
or maybe:
you grew up -- surrounded by security...and feelings of safety...
or something like love, mom making hot chocolate in the afternoons for you...maybe...
you got some warmth: somewhere...
feelings of safety...
ponder that for a moment...
maybe...
you had a good childhood - whatever that means...
it means...
like -- you didn't have someone trying to pull your pants down, like, every five minutes...
well, or trying to "off you" -- somehow...medicate you -- sedate you....ah, rape you.....((rape me!!...i love that song...and kurt cobain...for that matter...the good ones do -- die young right??)
maybe you...
grew up in some suburb where everything was so pretty and white and clean and good...
like "middle america"
thats a killer...right?
no.
well, it didn't happen here...
no, not for me -- that didn't happen...
childhood is a time of fear....plain and simple...and lets face it...your subjected to all the nuerosis' of the adults around you...just sucking it up and taking notes...so when you get to be in your 30s -- well youll be addicted to all the right things...and all the wrong things....right?
perefectly fucked up in a perfectly fucked up world...
with a royally messed up life...just trying to be...all, :ah, perfect....
a "normal" childhood...
i wasn't ever really normal and truth be told -- i don't think anyone is "normal..."
normal...
ponder that...
when i grew up "Normal" was actually a setting on a washing machine....
>>>normal, regular, average....the middle...
just like an average joe...like a gardener. just giving the garden and flowers and plants some love and keeping away the weeds...that would be like heaven, to me...
A "normal" childhood...
i didn't get that bros...this is wisdom: sometimes ya --just get- what you get....and you have to say...ok. this is what i got...
now what am i gonna do with it...???
instead of wishing your life away...wanting something else...right?
>>>>>when i grew up -- if u knew u were a fag then basically -- u just had two choices...live in the closet or move up to hollywood and live with the fags...: in something they called the: "gay ghetto..."
you could be like a hairdresser or like a faggy designer or something...and still be "out" as they say..but not like a fireman or something cool...like and still just be like a gay -- regular dude...you didn't have that choice...back then...
it was complicated and extremly: "Gender specific" and kinda like living in a hellish nightmare of limitations...
whatever...
really, i kinda, wanted to be something...legit...right?
like a journalist...
or like a human being, in a factory...??
or a gardener...
or Batmnan...
i would have been a great lawyer...
fuck yeah, i can argue my way out of evils spells thrown at me from three -- "macbeth"witches...
(i realize that last line was totally random...) i don't care, it kinda fits the mood i'am in right now...
totally random...
yeah, fuck yeah...
this is not a sad story: it's a confirmation that you can have your plan....right? and well "god" -- She -- has hers....
and once god has her plan set for you -- well then,
theres no getting out of your destiny...
>>>>
like I said..i wanted to be something that lived in the light...
but satan, or some renegade band of dark and powerful angels, or...
some "other" power that i can not access, nor fight, in this body, or this lifetime...right now, wanted something totally different...for me...
i've been called: "The masterpiece of angels..." but what kind of angels...???
hehee
subversion...blackness...
deviance...
darkness...
sensuality...
lust...light: in the trenches...yep: that was always my destiny...
always trying to climb up into the light...and always trying to fly...perhaps like: icarus...too close to the light and then...
light...
another light...the black-light....a light -- that...
the world doesn't recognize...
the
"screaming-running-down the--hallways...in pain, too bright --- too much....light..."
got that?
an otherworldly light...
the light that brings stares and excites the pleasure centers...and fuck no - it never mattered that my brain was bigger than theres...
no...
you were gonna become a sex object...!!!
hows that for karma??
yeah...no matter what the fuck you did...your whole life was gonna be about sex and what you did sexually...
why?
because...
thats your destiny...
ur destiny...ponder that for a minute...
the divine plan...yeah, sometimes, your "destiny" is:
to take a walk through hell...
escorted by demons...the whole way...
fighting the demons, and talking to the angels...
and just wanting to go back "Home" to "god"...
but no...look at my fucking body...look at my ass and big dick...
made for sex...i was...but love?
welcome to the pleasure dome...
>>>>>>>
my destiny: was/is to always be surrounded by heat...
too much hot..:: white, white, almost black, it's soo white...>>>
blinding sexual hot-white...crown chakra heat - hot -- white/bluish -- out of your body heat>>>>light...
right?
bathed and drowned in it...
thrown at me from every angle...
so much light...
and so many dark rooms....and so many angels...and so many people in the dark needing to be thrown into the light...
>>>>>>>>>>>>
the value of darkness and isolation...
light.
with so much of it - that -- it screams loud in your aura...
that no, your never gonna be a lawyer, or no - even a legitimate - fine artist...or anything -- like human, like that...
no...to just be like an artist and be all quiet and calm and painting somehwere and getting paid...
walking through hell in order for the universe to carve you into a sage....well, it doesn't pay very well...and really, can u put that on a resume...the pratical application is: well, it doesn't exist....
>>>>>>>>>>
a fine artist...
(i studied the greats for ten years and drew - fine art drawings and painted on a daily basis...)
everything i painted was black, and blue and red...
melancholy and rage....and i tried to get a career going in a gallery or something...i really worship rothko and all the abstract expressionists, for that matter...
wanted to be like them...just floating and psilling out color and emotion onto a canvas...and yeah get paid...and be respected or something...
but no...
i'd go to galleries...."will you look at my portfolio??"
"would you be interested in showing this??"
"seeing my work...??"
..>>>>>>>we wanna see your dick...and ah -- ass...
not your paintings....
>>>>now right now, people want to be valued for their minds--and intellects...
higher thought and maybe like: divine intelligence...
right ?
no.
not in this world or this life or this country...nope: thats not gonna happen...
the world wants big dick and big tits and ass...and bling, and cash...and big houses, and to just be jerked of...and entertained...by well, nothing...but they always want more...eye candy...but it doesn't feed your soul...and this why we are spinning toward our deaths and always want they fuck out...and taking out meds...because our sould need to be fed: and yeah -- we are all starving...
starving to fix an ache in our souls...
finally you realize...that people are all sucking off the same metaphorical...(is that a word?) cultural..."meth pipe" -- so to speak and no -- they can't even recognize you or what you are...
there are blind and can not see...and all they want to see if the next naked pic of your hole...right?
well ok then...u want hole...here is it...
the black hole of wanting...for ever and ever wanting and never even knowing what you want....
or what you need...
forever in a slumber of the shadows -- entranced...plugged into the "matrix..."
the world is a sleep....
they are a sleep plato's cave...
looking at the shadows - but never really seeing or touching the light...the light inside...
the light...
outside...
you try to tell them that love is not fear...or try to remove their shackles...their mental bondage:
well -- forget it...
you have to really just fucking throw them into the light and kinda burn them....
throw them into the pool of god...and give them their wake - up call...right??
>>>>
truly: if the "savior" of the planet or even your life...
walked right up to you...>>>even money says that: youd bludgeon him/her to death...right then and there....for healing you...
and for daring to give you love or the "real" version of it...which is of course, to wake you the fuck up...from your delicate, toxic slumber...of unconiousness....sp?
>>>do you like this painting of mine...all blue and muted and nice...???
i always wanted to be a porn star....
>>>>>>>>>>>>
finally, yeah i got something i wanted....
mr. sex object...yeah -- it does -- it turns me on...to know theres a thousand guys right now jerking off to pics of me in cyber-space...fuck yes!!!
hard bones everywhere loking at my pics...all the guys thinking what they would do with me and my big dick...and the pleasure we all could have...
sex object -- ponder that one...
sex object....
hey, don't feel sorry for me...
yeah i wanted to be a normal -- fucking dude, with a truck and ah like a girlfriend...and a dog..."c'mere, scruffy..."
but no...nope, as hard as i tried: everytime i looked at a guy -- i got a knot in my ass and a lump in my throat...and the only thing i wanted to do was fall to my knees and worship his light and masculinity and male beauty...and i love men, and the way they smell and feel and fuck me and kiss me...yep: in this world thats called: queer...man on man sex and love...
thats what your punished for...because your dick gets hard and your heart goes soft when you look at another guy...
punishment...
ponder that...
punished because of what you feel...
don't fell sorry for me....
sex object...
punishment....
feelings...
love....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
ur destiny.....
i'am (just) saying that:
what we are, in this lifetime and in this particular incarnation...screams so loud that yeah...
i don't think we can change alot of it...most of it...all of it...???
look i shake hands with a guy: guess what?
the grin on my face says: "big dick here...bro... wanna see it?"
>>>it's in my aura...
thats my destiny...to make thousands of men happy...with my big dick...and finally i'am saying to myself -- ok -- allright then -- sure -- why not ??
ya know what...why the fuck not???
yep -- i'am and i admit it: i'am fucking walking porn....
porn...my dick arrives five minutes before i do...the sound of my voice and the way my body smells...like a fucking hot orgy locker --room...i swear, men would kill to get a whiff of my pits...my bros -- they come over just to smell my pits....
my pits: they ((always)) smell like: pure hot -- hercules...spartacus...
kinda warm/hot man funk sex....thats right...
it's in my aura, man...
it's even in my smell...
i was made to be gang banged...in a jock strap...one by one --on down the line...
i was created by gay renegade angels....
yep....
"The masterpeice of angels..."
???
had to be gay angels -- right...
i hate them for making me -- and i love them for making me...but they did make me, and well, here i'am...
I can't really die and i'am not sure how to live...
>>>>> life is funny and amusing if nothing else...
as they say:
life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think...or was that the other way around?
>>>
so, years ago -- carrying around my portfolio, and showing curators, and gallery owners my wares, i somehow -- always ended up in the basement, of said galleries, ah -- hearing the same thing: which was something akin to:
"yeah -- this would look alot better with your pants down..."
>>>>>>>>>>>
although -- one photo of mine was choosen to be in the "Curators choice" at the gay art foundation in nyc...
the permanent collection...ah...but,
ah, >>>>>>>>> it's a photo of my dick, of course....
>>>>>>>>
>>> I came from money...
thats funny - is it not...? that expression...
I came from money...
hahaaa
yep, sure did...
and everything was scrubbed and clean and new...and ah, well, cost alot of money...where i came from...
but no, that didn't mean i was happy....just because we had money...
happiness...
ponder that -"candyland" "molasses swamp" of logic for a moment..."Why aren't you "Happy""
no...sorry--->>>
money cant you love -- but...it does buy cocaine...and hustlers for that matter...so who cares???
money....
ponder that one -- for a minute...
if money weren't the issue....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
what money buys:
pause....
>>>>>>>>>>
new valium prescriptions for mom...of course...
and
seven new boats for dad...two pool boys, and three gardeners...and a full time mechanic...and ah -- one lonely, dark son -- in the corner writing poetry and ah..."Weird" stories...
but i was wearing "polo" blazers and khakis and cole haan loafers...right?
>>>my mother screams...
"Why can't you be like the other boys...((Damien)))" ???
they had a fucking -- little gay "witch" and budding "porn star" on their hands...
for chrissake...
the other boys...
yeah...so help me god this is true...
one afternoon...i lined them all up -- on the side yard of our house...and well, made all of them pull down their pants...
like in a "line up" and looked all their (adolescent) butts...to see which one i liked the best...
((i was 10 years old at that time...))
wow - a boy "dominatrixx" at age ten...
my poor mother....god bless her...the shit she had to put up with...like five phone calls from the other mothers, whoose kids came running home, crying:
"Sean made me pull down my pants...and he looked up my butt..."
hehehe
"mom, they liked it.. was all i could confess..."
yeah my poor mom...what do you do with a kid like that??
in like 1970...?
it got worse...
yep -- there i was...16 years old, writing "weird" ((sex)) stories and all glazed over in pain and fear and all that light...
the perfect "OC" shade of light emanating from my lost and far away -- "nobody home" glazed over -- glossed over stare, that the world craves in it's wounded and incested and ultra-wealthy-priveldged...youth...
>>>>>>>>>>>>fuck...more coffee...hang on...
ok I'am rambling...ah, i just woke up...
and ah - no...
i can't remember where I'am in my med course...
>>>>i think i'll take the --"Anti-Seizure" med right now...god forbid i should tell my doc that,...those little red pills get me so fucking high i can't even see straight,
...no i would never tell her that -- because if i did, of course she'd change it, and switch me to something else...
>>>>>>>>>
side effects...
ponder that one..for a minute...
you take a pill because you can't sleep...
>>>>>>> then you take a pill because you can't wake up...
and then you take a pill...because your going to die...and of course, the pill is actually killing you...
all the while -- it is saving your life....
ponder that...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
the worst sin here, in this lifetime,, is to enjoy your life...
thats a fact, or to be free: and everyone wants to enjoy life and be free, and the minute that you hint at -- or let on that --
that maybe -->>>youve gotten close to that...to being "Free..."
well it's a dog-pile...
of all your closest sp? friends telling you -- to -- change everything...
or something...
yeah, theres something wrong with you...
and were going to find out what it is...and fix you....
because your living under the delusion that life might be worth living or that somehow you've escaped...
ponder the metaphor//allegory?
:of "plato's" cave story...for a minute...
>>>you free yourself and walk out into the light...
and then you return to tell all your kindreds -- that...
"hey - i got free and got away...from the chains -- in the cave and theres light out there...follow me...it's really cool out there - in the light and it's real...the "shadows..." on the cave walls are not real...they are indeed, just shadows..."
well, of course they are going to tear you limb from limb....
why ? because --- (((i love you...))) because they are so comfortble being ---trapped...
of course...trapped and limited: to fly is scary...
to be away from the "pack..." is frightning...
and this - >>>to be free: out there alone>>>
that is -- free and unlimited ---: is, to be a "god..."
here...
release them..they will not thank you -- no they won't...
tell them or try to set them free...and they surely will
pull you back into the cave and re-chain you to the wall...or medicate you so heavily that well, your not even going to be able to talk...enough to tell anyone the truth...
am i making sense...?
yet?
>>>stop making sence...sense...
>>>>>
>>>age 12 -- wrote a suicide note: got sent to a shrink...
>>>age 16 - wrote a love letter about my uncle...he was a marine, actually, blonde and blue eyed and buffed...
got sent to a shrink...
age 24 -- got sent away to an asylum..for admitting that i wanted to end my life...during a "Co-dependancy rehab..."
(in ah.. of all places...pennsylvania...) which is a whole nother sp? story...
age 27: all my friends were either dead or dying...
told a social worker i was in grief...and angry...
(a real --"blonde" suburban cunt...)
yeah -- >>>>> got sent to a shrink...
i dunno - life is like a series of...
(hey guess what?? i'am not in 20s anymore, so ---
i can make declarative statements, like that...now:
about "life" >>> ive got experience...and lived --alot -
i can say things like.."life is like this..."
yeah, sure can fucker...
ive all ready lived about ten lives...
ten lifetimes...
and yeah all ready been dead five times and had three major breakdowns...((ah, break-throughs...))
all in this tiny -- "on fire" with rage and funky -- ((sex- smell))
fucked up ((sex)) stories...embedded...in this:
my body -- my flesh>>>my blood-life-energy...aura..
and psyche body of mine -- now covered with 20 tats (and counting) to commorate the milestones of my lifehere...
no --
it doesn't seem "real" actually...seems all like a dream..
a wet dream - of course....
...but suffice to say...alot has happened and yeah...just like an old vampire..who wanders the material world for eons and eons...
ok? perhaps switching bodies or personaes on occasion...
well, i've seen it all -- yeah four times...bro...seen it all ...
yeah, every man in need, rich and poor:
looking up to me...on his knees...and deep into his soul...
and i (almost) always kiss them -- right before they suck my cock...and i say: i love you...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
ok man, where was i???
i forgot what i was saying....
not that it mattered at all: but since your still reading this, hehee -- well, then i'll continue...on
now...
where were we?
feelings....i love you....
love....
yeah --
i don't really think i'am human...anymore...
and not quite a "god" yet: soo - then, what am i??
angels: "Please tell me what i'am and why you made me???"
>>>>>>>>>>>
my destiny: to be a god among mortals...something called the: "Bonerage"...a renegade angel....an "eolhim"...of sorts...
the shinning one...walking among the humans...because i see everything...
can see into men's souls and know there ache...
humans....
to be human...and have that ache...that nobody undertands...
and if you look into my eyes: you always know that i understand...thats what "hustlers" do...they take away the "ache..."
the ahce...
ponder that....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
everytime i acted like a "human" and did something perfectly logical...A plus B equaled C - in most cases...
yeah i got carted off to a shrink...
fucking shrinks bro...
oh -- you don't fit in...??? your not :normal...???
having trouble -- "fitting in..."
then i guess your going to the shrink...
wanna talk back? -- yeah, your going to the doctor...
wanna tell us how fucked we are...?
yeah
ah, guess what -- your getting medicated...
your getting some "treatment..." ah yeah, for your -- belligerence...
or your "curable" >>>>>...homosexuality...
or for your refusal to deform yourself...
and become -- "just like us..."
scared--- and trapped...
>>>>>>>>>>>>
normal....not normal...
"your not normal..." and not like -- "the other boys..."
>>>>>>>>>>your going to the shrink...
for the fact that your "Strange..." or different...or something ah---special..yeah we don't have time for anything that might wake us the fuck up and rouse up from our sleep - walking ((fucked - up -- nuerotic lives -- in pursuit of the material world...) lives....
and make us realize or confront anything : like : "God..."
>>>>>>>>>>>"your going to the shrink...
"it's for you own good..."
thats a riot!
i love that one....for your own good....
and yeah...:"Were trying to help you..."
ah, >>>>"we love you...."
"were trying to help you...."
>>>help me --
what? commit suicide???
god....
god -- something alive and pure and transforming...
something beautiful and fresh...
???
i dunno...
i was -- 12 years old and sitting in front of a lone candle...
with my eyes closed...
meditating:
even before i had read the teachings of Lao tszu...sp?
or about the taoist immortals...
or even the
"ascended masters" or a place called: shambala...
or nirvana...
or of:
jivanmukta's...or even of jinanis.. sp? or of the: bonerage or even the "Elohim..."
anyway...
row - row - row your boat...gentley down the stream...strange...
((just sit tight..here - i'll get to the raunchy "sex part" of the story...-- i promise...))
>>>>>>>
the shrink:
yeah - your going to the doctor, cuz theres something "wrong" with you...cuz...you don't fit in...
your going to the "Shrink..."
ponder that one...the "Shrink..."
hahaha! i'am laughing my ass off...right now --
ah, my head off -- my shrunken head....off, of course....
right off >>>>>>>>>>
"ok look at these ink blots and tell me what you see??"
>>>>>>>>>
the ink blots...
ink blots:
the first time i saw the ink blots...i laughed...
"are you fucking kidding me...???
"you want me to look at ink blots...?
i don't "see" anything...
i see ink...on a white piece of paper..."
>>>>>>>>>
talk about a fucked up way to get someone to conform...
conform...
to the worlds mental illness...
insanity...
menatal illness...take your meds...
>>>>>>yeah the world is mentally ill...
surprise...
yep.....
wake up...
yep...to the whole fucked up mess...
everyone is mentally ill...here...the world is mentally sick...
and all of it's systems are - ah, mentally ill...
and all of the governments are - ah, mentally ill...
and a world that pretends to be so full of "god" and good...and light >>>>
will actually kill and destroy anything that is really, like..."god...'
right?
and when they say: it's because "we love you"
...or
"do it for jesus..."
well, you get a whole nother idea of what the world calls...love...
and love here...in this reality...bro --
you dont, fucken want it...
trust me...
when someone says to you --"i love you..."
run the other way....
when they say that..."i love you...."
what they really mean is:
"i will do everything in my power to fucking kill you..."
and trap you...and maim you and ah, punish you...
>>>it means -- they hate you ---
"yeah, take your shit and get the fuck out...!!!"
how mant times have i heard that one...or said it myself...
yeah...
yeah -- man -- "i love you" -- man...
"love you -- mean it -- " heheee
it really means:
stay with me here, trapped as i 'am...and put on these handcuffs...and well die together, suffocating each other...one (toxic) day at a time...
i love you -- i promise....
right ?
>>>>>>>>>>>>
ah -- perspective...
no -- you can't....
>>>>one does not get the perspective --- my perspective...
on things, until yeah, you've roamed the heavens and the earth for eons, like a vampire...for - ever and have seen all the crimes; (of humanity) an of love and all the pain and fear...
and rage....that looks like love...
the entire world -- built on lies and rage and fear...and love:
but then -- boom: it all falls down ...breaks apart...and the center -- does not hold...
and once youve seen thnigs breaking apart...like your mind or your world...or your heart....breaking -- down
then you realize that humanity is basically: simply: totally:
mentally ill...or ah, just royally -- fucked up...
and dis-eased and toxic and well, ah, fucked up...bro...
and it will always be fucked up and no - it will never, ever be:
"not fucked up..."
is that clear enough for you...? doc...?
ink blots...
my doc to me:
"do you ever "see" things...ah, things that aren't there...?"
"well, ((ass-wipe)) how can i see them -- if there, -- not...ah, not "there" - doc??"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
ink blots...
well...
what do i see? in this blob of ink??
-- on this piece of white paper...?
ok bro...i'll play the game...
because if i don't play your game then i'am---
"severely -- disturbed..." right?
then i'am: "manic and refuse to fit in...and somewhat --"depressed..." right??
"Depressed and severley disturbed..."
official diagnosis...
age 16 and ah -- age 26...and ah..."neurotic..." with "severe behavioral problems..." age 35...
"inability to accept "reality"...." age 40...
reality....: is.....
reality --
is bullshit...man...
and no your not gonna trap me ever again....in your giant -- human, mind-fuck -- a rama...pal...nope -- never again....
maybe it's time that you, doctor --
"take the meds...."
can't aqccept "reality"
but whoose reality are we talking about ??
the hellish one that -- your creating and sucking the world into ----- buying????
the greed is good, build bombs, buy things, rape me and send all the young -- beautiful boys to war...to get their heads blown off, you need to be medicated because your different, and not mr. hetero---consumer -- reality...bro-- ????
is that reality that i can't accept???
>>>>>if i'am the "devil" to a world that allows 12 year olds to be fucked by preists in the name of god...or loves and lives for violence...and ah, plastic surgery, and mindless entertainment...and toxic food...add to the list-- then ah yeah fuck yeah...i guess i'am the devil....
and pretty damm proud to be that...
the world's dark angel....
a demon to all the world's religious "right" who would slit my throat and sleep like a baby afterwards...saying amen...after the deed was done...
then yeah -- here i'am...telling the masses: hey guess what?
"god" is no where near a church...and hasn't been there -- >>>>>>>>>forever...
the messiah...means: the annointed one...
>>>>>>>>>
the habitrail of insanity...greed and rape...
reality...whoose reality???
>>>>>>>>>
your done...u white -- dead - inside, dinosuars...you stale fucking, putrid, wreeking of death, zombies....
on the air-waves...you will not rape my mind...nor my body, nor make me -- kneel to your "god" -- of fear....
and for this i will be torn -- limb from limb...>>>>>>>>
life begins at 40>>>>>>>>>>>>
age 40...i walk off the path...after my fifth near death experience...
i leave the world -- to it's own devices...i turn off the tv and sit alone....i go off:
the habitrail of insanity...
and into the jungle of nothingness...
into the cosmos of god...
and let the fuck go...and well, fall into the bowels of back rooms and sex clubs and emerge to become:
an angel to the lost --->>>>>
a porn star -- of sorts...
finally meeting my destiny...to help the soul-sick...
the lost children...commanding the elements...
fully aware of my power and light...
i emerge as:
a shaman....
a sexual shaman....no less....
life begins at 40...indeed...it does...
40
i awoke...roamed the heavens...and laying in a hospital bed...
watching a "portal" open up...as i was about to die....yep...
and boom...it all became clear....
enlightenment...
age 45...
clarity.........
((realizing everything was and is "bullshit"
((see "plato'plato"s cave...above"))
life is like:............
god is like....heaven is like...
i know what heaven is like...been there three times...
and twice to hell.....
decided to come back to earth....
ink blots----------->>>
what do you see???
ok Sean...
>>>>>>>>>now, look at these ink blots and tell me what you see....
ok...
ink blots...
"ok doc...what do i see ?"
I see: blood everywhere...
i see: insanity and pain...
I see: people who are dead and dying and have no souls...
I see: moeny and ah, dead people....
i see: a shrink that totally insane and quite (mentally) ill...
ah....
i see: fear.....
>>>>>>>>>>
"your son is deeply disturbed...i'am afraid...."
>>>>>>
what really happens when a budding - sarcastic, psychic, enlightened>>>16 year old budding homosexual with the soul of a sage and the dick of a porn star starts to realize:
"It's all bullshit...and ah, your just mad at me cuz well, i'am smarter than you..."
>>>>>
yeah ----
you can medicate me and my libido but really,
it's just going to incite me to become -- something even stronger and more powerful....
i'll just get stronger and louder and more powerful...and i'll get away....i'll run away, theres got to be someplace where i can shine and live and not fit in and hide all at the same time....
yeah...
manhattan....here i'am....
i'am not gonna die...i'll go back to earth and live -- because heaven won't take me and hell couldn't hold me....
it all just made me stronger....
they all tried to kill me -- i lay in a hospital bed, shrunken and dying...my skin peeling away, my light fading, but then -- my human life passed away....i began to shine...and my body grew strong again...the angels did not want me to go...
i was going to die...i was supposed to die...
i kinda did die -- and then was re-born....
>>>>>>>>>i didn't die....it all just made me stronger....
beautiful and powerful...and knowing...
>>>>>>>>>>>
"what ever doesn't kill you makes you stronger"
thank you -->>>...albert camus...
stronger ---
and well, smarter...and you, well, you doc??
your just gonna get more toxic...aren't you bro...???
see ya in hell...man...
with your ink blots...
>>>>>>>
go ahead and tell a doctor - a shrink when your 16 to go to hell....and, that you see blood, and insanity -- everywhere...
in a series of ink blots....(hehehe) fuck him...
blood and murder and rape...everywhere...
>>>>>deeply disturbed...???
yeah -- yes i'am...and why aren't you ??
deeply disturbed....
((have you watched the 6 o clock news lately....?))
my first shrink...
like i said: fuck him....
what a sick fuck he was -- bad breath and bad dandruff and all..fuck him -- twice...yep...
probably shaking the priests hand at communion on sunday, just before he greased up his cock to slid it into a line up of chior boys...yeah baby ...taking it up the ass --
for "jesus" -- of course...
and then going home and jacking off to porn imported from Sweden, the kind with 12 year olds in it...
((this was before the internet...when you actually had to "buy" porn....right?
when it was an actual...magazine...))
anyway...
sex object..........
>>>yeah i got caught having sex with the gardner...
and the pool boys and ah, the mechanic...and ah yeah,
my uncle...
oops - thats not supposed to happen...right?
sucking off -- the staff...the butler and the chauffuers and the
guy that brings the flowers every week...
16 years old...all ready -- almost? a sex addict...
or a sex god -- or just a god -- or something...knowing and full of rage and -- genius...and a pretty twisted sense of reality...
to the maid:
"if you don't leave me alone...i'll tie you up and put you in the closet....ok man -- no fuck off...and get out..."
actually -- i really liked her.......
16 going on 17...(an empty page that men will want to write on...)
my vocabulary was like that of a college professor...
where is he learning those words???
(((we need a dictionary to talk to our son....)))
yeah -- i was smarter than them -- than all of them...
and they didn't like that...
like i said: fuck them....
the smirk on my face always said the same thing:
"fuck you...i'am smarter than you are..."
"your pathetic and your life is pathetic..as well..."
"your insignificant and i'am insignificant and none of this really matters..."
go ahead, tell your shrink that, when your 16 years old....
and see what the fuck happens//>>>>>>> tell the truth and get the punishment...just like jesus...
"I'am afraid...your son is: deeply disturbed..."
>>>>>>>>>>the truth...
they will try to wear you down: into submitting to their will...
into being "Toxified" and terrified..and full of fear...and just as fucked up and neurotic as them...
doing exactly to your kids what you had done to you...
right...???
and so it goes...
16 years old and trapped in the 70s...
16 going on 17...((innocent as a rose...totallly unprepared am i to face a world of --- men....)) wicked grin...(sound of music...)
16...going on 17...
i got my drivers license and went straight to hollywood boulevard...to see the prositutes...yep - sure did...
16 going on 99...
one side of my psyche...full of wanton - and unapologetic...
butt-fuking lust and wanting...
the other: pocessing the eyes that have seen god...
and enlightened...
seen god: of course...five times now...and yeah always...
"near death..."
what is life?: if not a long -- near-death...experience...
???
>>>>>>>>>>>>
mike knight...
the perfect example of what happens when you become adjusted, well adjusted to a sick society, no, thats not a judgment call, just a statement of fact...
he was the epitome...of:
the mask of (in)sanity...
so to speak...
they got to mike and yep -- they mind-fucked poor mike...
mike knight...senior vp -- for global investment...raking in around a mill a year...he was perfect...he was:
the perfect looking man, with the perfect apartment, and the perfect hair-do...and the perfect wardrobe...
and the perfect ass...for that matter...and as destiny would have it: me and mr. mike would meet, one evening...late...very late...on the street...a date with destiny...
the dark angel and mr perfect...
nobody gets to me by mistake...no - they don't - you cross my path:
it means your entire existence is going to be transformed...
ut means your ready to be set free: thats what i'am and thats what i do...your own personal "sin eater..."
mike knight...: the absolute epitome of everything this world respects and worships...
he was about to confront his other side...
his mask was about to break off -- bit by bit and piece by piece...
mike knight -- perfect in every way...
he had everything - he had it all...except his soul...
there was nowhere for mike to go...except to his knees, in front of me...
"you wanna come upstairs?" he asks me on the street...and smiles a perfect smile...
"ahh.. yeah sure..." i smile....kind of innocent...yeah - and coy....fuck yeah..."sure..." ((i was low on blood anyway...)
"yeah sure..." wink -- wink...
mike knight: i'am sure to him i was just another -- "rough trick" hed use up -- suck the life out of and then discard and throw away....
heheee..........no not this time...
in manhttan @ 4-20am on the street you never know who your dealing with....right?
we walk into the door...
of his perfect apartment...with the perfect dog - of course, and the perfect couch...and the perfect hallway, with too much light...and pulls out a vile...of white powder and graces the perfect marble counter with a perfect line and well, perfectly sucks it up his nose...a satisfied grin on his face looking at me like -- i'am some kind of appetizer at nobu...that he will soon eat and then forget....
to the ultra-rich -- you are something to be amused by and played with for awhile...i know this first hand...trust me...
>>>>the mask of sanity....
ponder that one...
>>>>>>>>>>
i could always see into people's souls...
or see through -- their mask's...and had no problem telling them what i saw....
"take your meds..."
yeah...right...
seeing into men's souls....@ 4am in midtown manhattan....
knowing --- the curse off "knowing..."
my other curse is: (of course) is:
to be the proud owner of an exxtra thiick 8 inch dick, of course...waving it all around in everyone's face...and saying...: you can't have it...bro...
well, maybe...
maybe -- hehee
you can suck it..and maybe you can even fuck me...
yeah, you can have my ass,
but ah..well:
youll never have "me"....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pause...mike knight...
the masks we wear...
the one thats says we are pure and innocent and full of light...
innocent -- : the "good" one...
thats the mask - mike knight was wearing the night we met....
but i saw through it -- because -- i loved him....
i looked beyond the moeny and the apartment...andhis million dollar smile...and saw what was really there...what was really behind his cocaine addiction and sex addiction and fear and ambition...and success...panic, and rage and fear...
>>>>>>help me....
this is why i'am a "god" here...in this reality --
because i know that money is not going to fix it...
boy do i know that...
if i don't know anything, i sure do -- know that...
any really -- nobody else can see that -->>>>>>>>
the world can't see that -- but i can...
when people see a piece of paper framed on the wall..or a red tie and white shirt and a blue blazer, they think: money and money in america means -- good...and sanity...
and god and "right..."
and if your a shrink then of course, your mentally healthy -- right? i mean you must be...right?
like i said: fuck him and fuck them all....
those toxic -- sick fuckers...who murder and steal money and fuck 12 year old boys...and call themselves "god..." and good...
i know them and what they are...
>>>>>
we all could have saved alot of time if my mother would have gone to the shrink and dealt with her own homophobia...
but thats a whole nother therapy session....
pause...
right??
sorry -- that was the 70s...
back then: oh...your a fag?
yeah -- back then -- if you were dumb enough, to admit or ah, get caught...ah, doing it....with the pool boy...add to the list :
then yeah --
you were considered: "mentally ill..."
"your going to sunday school...your going to bible camp...your going to church..."
connect the dots...
thats right -- >>>singing in the chior...
i was the favorite - in the choir...of course...
for jesus....amen...
thats a good boy...yeah -- just like that...good boy...for jesus...
>>>>>>>>>>>>
the mask of sanity...
google that and youll get some interesting reading...
the mask...
you can be a murderer - in this country -- or even be a high level ranking military officer or senator or whatever...
but as long as you go on Tv and say: "I didn't -- do it..."
and your wearing a brook's brother suit...
well...
as long as you look innocent in america...
then you are innocent...
as long as you face is white: of course...
and you have the money to hire the right lawyers then...
yes !
fuck yes...your innocent and ah, "Good"
right ...??
((come to think of it -- oj's face is not white...))
anyway...
>>>>>>>>>>
the mask of sanity...or having fun when you've got alot of money and how to break the law...and get away with it...
>>>there couldn't possibly be anything sinister happening in a church -- it's a house of: god....
right?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
god and money: the things of this world...
money...
the rich are innocent....
and as we all know --- they never lie...(they never have gay sons either - for that matter...)
presits never fuck 14 year old boys and --
god is money and -- money is god...if and if have money then your good and god...and if your in the church your good and god...
yeah....ok...
love is hate and hate is love...and the meds your taking are going to kill you faster than the original dis-ease...
that really, you never had in the first place...
but how else were we going to get you addicted to all --
all the ((pretty) meds ((with pretty sounding names))
and all the side effects...
and siphon...sp? off
your lifeforce...
and basically kill you...
pause...
for money -- of course...
in the name of jesus...of course -- amen...
and
god bless america....
rape me....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
what is god???
god is gentle...
god is creative...
god doesn't murder...does he? does she?
or is god just an energy -- raging and perfect and surging...
and everything..the love and the kindness and the murder and earth and blood and sky and blue flowers...
and light snow coating the basket ball court across the street from my apartment in hells kitchen???
????
emanations of light...
projections of light...
transforming...light...
particles of light...
we are....
light....
like a movie projector...projecting light...and manifesting bodies...to ah, explore, on the material planes...
and yeah we love blood and violence and drama...and death and dis-ease....
right?
because if we didn't then we wouldn't create so much of it...and then broadcast it 24 hours a day...
on the TV....yep...inter-s-pursed with a million drug commercials...
telling you that there is something wrong with you...
of course...serving up the dis-ease of the hour....
here bro: here is the dis-ease of the day
...and:
heres the cure...by the way...
just ask you doctor...
who, really is not a doctor at all but actually --
more like a drug pusher....
or a great salesman...
cashing in on your un-happiness...and dis-ease...however it manifests....
not happy???
ah -- we need to medicate you and your pain....
and make you "happy..." cuz if your not "Happy..." then something is wrong...
right?
>>>>>>>>>
particles of light...
quantum mechanics...
there is an infinite amount of outcomes...
at any given minute...all played out...into a million different realities...just take you pick....
the psychic -- multiplex...cinema of the mind and light and shadow....
fuck i think i took my meds twice.....
>>>>>>>>>>>
particles of light...
we are all, just particles of light...
a giant tv screen, of particles...
of lap top -- desk top, sequences of numbers that light up in a certain way...and well. kind of -- walk around...amnifesting bodies as that light...
we are particles of light...
simple molecules....of light...of god...
of energy....
of love....?
>>>everything breakdown to particles...
and guess what - when you break down the particles and look inside them - they are basically -- nothing...
we are basically nothing...
but vapors of light...
yeah kinda like -- no -- just like - that --- in the "matrix..." movies...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>we are numbers...on a key-board...a giant "Simms" program...particles of energy, beign directed by a supreme being or not...programs...or programmed....to do something....and yeah, theres no getting out of your destiny...
is there?
check out...the myth of sysphiis... sp?
if everything is pre-destined...then why live at all...?
it should be noted here that the so called: "Existentialists" all committed suicide....btw...well most of them...like albert camus...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
mike knight...and the pleasure model...
one of the most toxic people i have encountered...yeah...
and yeah he had a big dick also and a hot ass...which he shoved a "bump" of coke into -- in the bathroom...right after he found his black jock strap...in the pile of dirty clothes...
in a closet full of "thomas pink" -- ((350.00$) shirts and "Armani" 2000.00$ dollar suits...
mr. knight was a high level...banking executive...there he was -- 4am -- ass in the air...a bump of coke up his ass and a bottle of poppers to his nose...ready to get fucked...in his 2500.oo dollar a mont apartment...and there i was...
a kind of gay...dirty harry...shaman...hustler...doctor of the soul...ready to take mr. knight down to the bowels of hell and take his demons...out and bring him face to face with them...
yeah...hey guess what...i'am gonna show you your own self --hatred...and i'am gonna do it -- with my dick up your ass...and while i'am fucking you...i'am gonna make you cry --
by asking you...
"Tell me how much you fucking hate yourself...to be getting fucked like a pig...on the floor...you are so beautiful...and look at yourself...why are you trying to destroy yourself...you have everything but you have nothing -- do you bro? your just a scared little boy that wants to get fucked by daddy...well, here i'am...say it-- : fucker...I wanna hear you say how much you hate yourself...!!! (i'am fucking him harder now as i yell that at him...)) say it fuck head...you want my load...? is that what you want...? bare-backing at 5am -- all high on coke....gonna go to the office in three hours and put together another banking deal...that will make sure people like you get more and more and that people like me will get less and less? is that it fucker??
i wanna hear you say that i'am your god...and that my dick..is your god and that you worship the ground i walk on..."
and that you hate yourself...because you need me...and my darkness..."
the guy broke...while i was fucking him and began to cry...and the two worlds met...crashing together...the two personaes...collided...the one that wore the black jock strap and the one that wore the 350.00 dollar shirt...and his insanity cracked and his mask feel to the floor...
wake up...
he was sobbing...and i loved him....for that ..
yeah to do that for him...
give him "therapy" like that....
pull off his shackles and yank him into the light -- out of platos cave - like that...
(((clear mind and clean body...)))
i cant shake that bro...
of all the guys ive done things for: mike knight...
there was something about him...
i dunno...
i'am the transformer...basically thats my job here...
to simply transform things...
like your mind, like other people's thoughts, and maybe even the world...i dunno...
morpheus...
maybe i'am -- something like,
"the one..."
i certainty was: "the one..." for mike knight...
his "transformer..." thats for sure...
yep. after me -- he'd never be the same...again...
wasn't the kindest -- "wake up" "call" i ever did,
but ah...you fit the "medicine" to the patient...right?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
more coffee - and fuck i think no -- i'am sure that
i took my "anti-seizure" meds twice...
well one thing is for sure today...
i def, will not have a seizure....
today...
right ?
hold that thought....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
your a special case.....
i love that expression...
"special case..."
ponder that one for a minute....
mike knight was a special case...
and what a hole he had...awesome...
one of the finest...and yeah he asked for it so i gave it to him...a hot thiick creamy load up his ass...
"descent into madness..."
heheee....
being a "dark-angel" is a dirty business, but yeah somebody has got to do it...and that would be me...thats my destiny....
destiny....
ponder that one...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>born to die and dying to be re-born...
full of dis-ease...when dis-ease is not really, real...
miracles....
if your dis-ease disappears..then it's called: a miracle...
right?
but what if you simply -- just realized that all dis-ease isn't real...and that "god" was everywhere...
and that yeah...everything was -- "beautiful..."
then what??
and that even the darkness was god...
and that "god" was the darkness...
not the darkness alone -- but yeah was also -- the darkness and that pain was beautiful...
and too much light can kill you...
yep, it sure can bro...
it's killing you right now...and you don't even know it...
it was killing mike knight...but i saved his soul....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
a breakdown...
so really now - what is a "breakdown" except your inability to continue to "fit in" to a mentally ill system...
a rejection of all the suppressions...
>>>>>>>>
and yeah, what if:
you just let it all -- come "out"
finally...
yeah go ahead...let it all out...and bled off the pressure...
thats right baby...just let it out...
and i'am gonna hold you while you do it...right here, in my arms, i'am gonna give you "love..." real love...
yeah it hurts to know that someone loves you -- doesn't it?
pain feels good because were used to it..but love -- real love...when someone gives it to you...fuck shit oh my god...
it hurts...
like oxygen...to the suffocating...you breathe...
for the first time...and realize...you've been a sleep -- all this time....
a new heaven on earth --- so to speak....
and yeah -- welcome...to the "real" world....
>>>>>>>>>
the real world...ponder that one....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
the first rule of becoming and being immortal:
or having eternal life:
first you have to die...
ponder that one....
and by the way...
i love you....
Sean...
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
profile on the D-list
about
seanbateman9
Godless sexual deviant hedonist or Gay messiah?
Welcome...
Closer...
"You get me closer to God..."
Sean here...
A "Prayer for the Departed..."
Hey there - thanks for the visit to my page here and sexual cyber space...
I'am all about the nasty and the "Fuck Yeah!" yep sure am --
but before you open that door and descend here -
(with me) into my sexual homo-fest of denziens...
and night crawlers...
and go into the undergound of lust...
I want to tell you something...
I want to share something cool with you that happened to me recently...
I dig candlelight...
As I lit a candle in my home...recently
I got a streak of inspiration...
voices of angesls...
Gay angels - maybe...
the dearly departed ? spoke:
It came to me to say this prayer...
(As I lit the candle...)
""This candle is a light...
and a symbol of love and peace and all good things to all souls - my queer brothers and sisters - who died from fear...
(to all the spirits) - who commited suicide...in this life ...becasue they were gay...
>>>To all the people that ever got gay bashed...
and of course to those who passed...
because of the gay holocaust...
(the gay holocaust - that happened in the late 80s and early nineties...due to meds overdosing and poisoning from toxic meds...AZT and DDI..."
prayer continues..
"Whatever I do in my life I will remember you and also know that you are on the other side to guide me and help me - your power and protection and love are mine...
I wish you love and light and pray that you guide me and keep me safe..."
((the holocaust...))
us older guys are stunned
the younger guys perhaps dont know the history
or perhaps they do and believe that is their fate or what they deserve...
well listen up !
the fear in this world does not belong to us...and it doesnt belong to you - dont ever soak it up or ingest it or internalize it...
repel it - it is toxic...deeply - deeply toxic...
and it should never harm us...again,
ever again...
consider that wherever you are or may be - you deserve to live in safety and peace....
and if someone sends you hate -
you just send it right back..
with a note - that says -
"It doesnt belong to me and never will..."
prayer continues...
"I pray to send love to all the people who have been harmed...
hurt or died from homophobia....
it is because of you that I enjoy all the wonderful -
cool things about being gay and queer and homo...
homo-empowered...so thanks - to all the spirits helping me here in this world...who either passed before me or went before their time....
to make this world a better place and an easier place for me...
thank you...
Amen..."
try this -- @ home once a week...
Light a candle for the departed...
I'am doing the same...
it is very healing -- for strength and love and peace...
consider all who have gone before you as I did and all who will come after us...
community is not a being predatory - it's about co-existing...
protecting each other...
Its about Co-union or communion...
tell me the miracles and results you have...
heal your soul and protect yourself and other like us...
amen...
theres my rant...
much love Sean
and now....
Hot, hot, hotness...fuck-brah....hotness...for you
read on...
stories and blogs and more to get you to the heat Zone...
>>> blog entry - (Excerpts from "Sean's Blue Pjajamas"...)
This blog is rated XXX - Adults only...
erik
>>
yeah --
maybe it's becuz i start shaking every time i look into your eyes...
or
the fact that I don't even know you and i can't stand to be away from you...
i want to chain you to the floor so youll never get away -- never again give that cum of urs to anyone but me --
you make me shake inside and i cant talk -
is that love or fear ?
can u love me or do you just love my h**e ??
will u let me handcuff you and blindfold u and take my cock just the way i like it ? >>>>get on ur knees like daddys little cocksucker and service me ??
and then make me do all the same for you ?
-- i never want to forget the look in ur eyes - when u filled my hole full of cream and then licked it out - lapped it out of my hole and then looked into my eyes and kissed me hard and soft all at once --
i want you to come over here with ripe funky pits and make me smell them -- and make me smell your sweaty boots and socks --
and fuc me with ur armpit in my face --
i think i would give you my blood if u needed it...
i would buy you what ever you wanted jus to have the priveledge of looking into your eyes when i woke up >>>
the truth---
i loved u even before i met you -- then i saw u and i knew
i knew you were the one --
>>> maybe becuz you came to my house at nine-thirty in the morning and just blew in and wuz like, "take off those boxers -- now..."
or maybe b-cuz you fucked me so nice and when it got too intense and i tried to pull your dick out of my ass and you were like --
"no -- No way -- Don't pull away from me...."
and wouldn't let me do it and then fucked me ever harder...
or what happened inside of me when we kissed and how you kissed me back -- kinda hard and pushing me onto the bed -- and holding me down like you couldn't get enuff...
erik -- erik Erik....
or maybe
It's just the feeling around you that i feel -
like the whole fucking world is going to explode and the ground is gonna open at any minute -- and i don't care -- and i jus see ur smile and wanna be in ur arms...
and i will want you -- always...
and i will long for you always --
more at my blog - >>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
blog Entry XXX - Adults Only !!!
The Captain of the Wrestling Team...
High school...
1976...
a lazy - hot july afternoon...
i was detoxoing from cocaine and last nights alcohol binge on the high school campus football field late at night -- a six pack of beer - and drinking with the captain of the wrestling team...
we were smashed...
it started with a look in his eyes...
then he started laughing...
and standing above me...
as i lay on the grass laughing also...
and sat on my stomache, and pinned my wrists down - to the grass, then he looked into my eyes...
and then - oh my god...
he kissed me...and he kissed me harder and he didn't stop...
and i kissed him back >>>
he took my hand to his crotch...his dick was hard and then suddenly fast and quick -- mine got hard beneath him...I
tore off my shirt and undid my pants and then i undid his...
and then....yep....i fucked him
on the grass...under the stars, in front of god --- in front of jesus...
the all - star captain of the wrestling team...the prom king....in my arms, getting my dick up his...and jerking off and kissing me all the way...
then before we knew it...
we both passed out (together in each others arms...)
i might add...
his varsity jacket draped over both of us as a kind of blanket...
cheek to cheek...
amen.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
to be continued.....
the next morning we were awakened by the summer session's girls soccer team coming onto the field to practice...
my pants down around my ankles...blake was laying next to me....
empty "miller" bottles scattered around laying on the grass...
the sun glaring down --
all of a sudden waking up and looking up at the coach...and then seeing blake...his fine furry butt and beautiful cock -- a morning hard-on...
hard in the afternoon day sun --
looking into his eyes and then realizing that we were not alone...
that his johnson was standing straight up in all it's glory kinda flapping in the air, and that dumb - sexy smile on his mug that made everyone fall in love with him, his lazy bedroom eyes, gazing into mine - as he began to grin, thinking for a second that we were still alone...
and about to grin, >>>>>but.........
then realizing where we were and remembering the night before -- he reached over to kiss me....and pull his varsity jacket tighter around us...all in the same motion, his mouth about to grace mine...his lips just grazing mine, and then his head turned....to look upward....
and then whamm -- absolute panic....
"oh my god!!!!!"
we both looked up...the female soccor coach surverying Blakes hard bone and my butt, as I was laying on my stomache, without my pants on, standing right over us....
my pants were about six feet away on the grass, as well as my boxers and one of my boots, the other one was still on...
"Holy shit!!!!" Mrs Cavanuagh!! whats she doing here??"
blake belted out to me....
then he just yelled...."Fuck! shit-- I'am ---- outta here..."
pulled his pants on and ran home.....
>>>>>>>>>>>>
the both of us -- hung-over to shit and both knowing that now, the entire school would know what happened....
blake moved fast and quick--- pulled on his pants - left his t-shirt laying there beside me and ran....away-----
fast>>>>
just ran away...his body a small dot on the horizon before i knew it....and then disappeared....
"Mrs. Cavanugh...I ah, it was ah -- we -- were ah---"
i kinda fumbled for an explanation and my pants at the time time, i grabbed blake's T-shirt and held it in fronot of my crotch and kinda hunched over, looking into her eyes and knowing there was nothing to explain or say....but then blurted out....
"Its ah -- it's not -- it's not,>>>>>
how it looks....I swear -- really..."
I held blake's t-shirt tight -- covering my dick and tryong to bend over to grab my boxers and pants...and also trying to cover my butt - ah butthole -- while doing it....
then i slipped on my boxers and bolted....and just fucking ran -- outta sight....into the parking lot and got into my pick up truck and drove away....
holy shit -- i just had my honeymoon - kinda -- or something and now i was gonna get a divorce... I knew i'd never really, ever talk to blake again....
we both knew that we were toast...totally found out...that we were butt-fucking fags....
our lives would never be the same...
and they weren't...
blake was a senior and --
the kind of pain that cant be healed you just have to ask god to do it or take it from you --
>>>>>>>
continued as Sean's Blue Pajamas...
blog address below - Please read on...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Hey SEAN...here....
thnkxxx for reading my blog...
Your wish is my command.....
tell me whats gonna make you happy....
confess what you want....
>>>>>>>>>>>
Access your power -- and change the world...
You were not brought into this world to be tortured by evil heteros....ok man - ? Don't ever forget that....
and don't let anyone abuse you - ever....>>>>
I'll protect you - I promise....
use my power and use your power for good....
the more they attack - the stronger and more powerful...
we become....
>>>>>>>>>>>>
Does the D-list stand for the DICK-list???
Sexxxy is on the inside.....it's an essence -- not a body part...but speaking of...yeah my dick was kinda made to slide into your hole....
and my hole was -- yeah - made to - get - F**ed....
by yeah -- hot dick...
ahhh yep - unrepentant - buttf**ker here....
heheee...yeah....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
MY pics are all ((XXX)) - unlocked....
In my reality - All men are beautiful...
>>>>>> The Rough side...
Hey !
It smells like Mennen "Speed Stick" in here baby...
like the locker room of your dreams...
rough and ready...or suave and kissable...
sensitive and hard in all the right places...just for you...
>>>>>>>
read all about it....
http://seanbateman9.blogspot.com/
http://dreamblog-kirk.blogspot.com/
>>>>>>>>>>>>>> The sensitive side...
Recently in my "Straight" job - ah the job I do for cash - as it were -- I was interviewed - instead of a profile - I'am listing the interview here below - any thing else just ask...
Now some questions of my own, if you would not mind. Dont feel obligated to answer any of them - I'am intentionally digging so just tell me and skip it if theres anything you do not feel comfortable typing out. Iam just pulling these questions out -
How would you define your sexuality?
answer - the short version is -- gay - but more precisly queer - if in a spirutal sense of my orientation to the world and people and everything then iam def "queer"
and a "Queer..."
Iam not like other gay guys at all...and generally they dont like me -- or dont wish to socialize with me -- although some a few or many might want to fuck me -- but i just dont identify with them....
on so many levels...
if you mean -- well i guess this question alone could inspire and evening of chat alone for me --
if your looking for the meachanics - i guess of me getting it on -- and what i do with my body -- psyhsical body then my answer is:
ah -- i prefer to bottom...for guys -- yes...
vers bottom...but yes bottom...
iam reticinet to fill a guy with my energy like wise -- as a top b/c i am afraid it would be too strong for them -- and cause a breakdown in their psyche or etheric body that they might not be ready for -- unless theyve done yoga etc...and were preapred for it -
defined sexuality as how i precive the world and my sexual self in it --
??? i will guess this is part of your question or what turns me on -- to people and life -- ?
a few things -- ah sensuality -- warmth
clear eyes
chocolate
rich food
clarity
grass - the kind in a park...:)
humility
anger spoken in truth
power
submission
heat
blue
number one turn on for me --
the way a guy smells...
my sexual receptors are in my nose -- being psychic to the core first of all -- the nose knows as they say -- my face is basically like the reciver of imput and psychic sense -- the right smell of a persons body -- a guys body would make me drop my pants -- faster than anything else and always has...
ok theres some ideas for you about that -- ah -- the other thing is people have been coming on to me -- trying to fuck me or seduce me my whole life --
and i guess this has put me in a certain relationship wi the world i move in - i ended up making it my power -- ah - out of survival...
because i had to -- or perish from being what ?
having my lifeforce sucked from me completly --
but in specifc ref to --
my sexuality ?
ah -- -- I kinda AM sexuality --
I'am sex...in many - many forms....
sensuality, knowing - I give pleasure, the sound of my voice...the way my body smells - i smell like sex, it's in my eyes and body....my aura...knowing what a person wants - what a guy wants - in bed - top or bottom - agressive or gentle - making love to the person or drilling them through the bed...being rough or rommantic...
ok lets move on here -- ill answer any other specifics nasty or ruanchy or intimate as you like -- be my guest and ask away --
ok -- next
What is something you would like to do but havent ??
this is a hard one -- iam stumped -
i want to drive around the country for 3-6 months with an unlimited buget for the travel ....
Id like to have dinner at the met museum actually after its been closed -- with a personal butler - for me and the man of my dreams -- who ever that may be -- the two of us free to raom the museum at night - and eat and maybe F**k under my favorite painting...
id like to have the experience of a person being -- giving me something without truly asking for something in return -- to see that -- see the persona that could or would do that -- find the guy that is clean and has clarity of thought and action....
What is the first sexual experience with a guy that you initiated?
- his name was Brad -- I was totally in love with him --- I ripped his underwear right off him the first time we had sex....
>>>>>>>>
How would you define your spirituality?
wow these questions are intense -- and the answers are not simple -
b/c iam not sure if your looking for a psychic profile or a few words - anyway lets see -
a definition as in a label ?
like budhist or chrsitian or something larger like -- what makes me spiritual or -- ?
there are spirits around me and they are guiding me and have always been there -
my only alleigiance -- is to authenticity --
speak from your heart and you will know "god"
What do you believe your purpose here is?
ive always considred my time here a punishment for doing something "wrong" since i was young -- as if i took a wrong turn in the galaxy somewhere - and ended up in a psyhical form -
the Brother form Another planet -- if you will...
like a working vacation-- there has always been a responsibiltiy and a weight -- that i have never been able to lift -- off of me -
karmic ?
its terrible -- i have thought of ending my life several times because of these things - heavy --
my purpose is to teach -- and help other advanced souls here -- for communion --
i thought i would find acceptance form other gay guys but no i found alienation and victimhood - and drama so i stay away from most gay people in general -
my purpose here -?
to enlighten -- that is -- to wake people up -- shake them up --
I'am the person you meet before a major transition of your life --
iam the transformer - it has happened time and time again -- i transform people - its heavy - i give them medicine -- pscyhic medicine - by virtue of my chi - my eyes my thoughts --
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
How do you feel about what you have done so far towards that?
well iam just now coming into the remembrance of my full self and powers but yeah -- iam doing it and have done it for many many people -- psychic consuling -- tarot reading -- listening - asking -- becoming -- yes
>>>>>>>>>>
What are 3 things you feel you are missing right now?
a sane pair of arms to hold me --
2. my true soul mate i believe is not incarnating at this time and is back in our home waiting for me - more on this later - perhaps -
3. trust -- of life or people --
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
What is the strongest love you have felt for someone and tell me a little about who they were please?
thats tough -- the deepest connection ive ever felt to anything was an animal actaully -- a rotweiler dog -- that i loved deeply and dearly -- no beastiality jokes please - ah he used to sleep under my bed and protected me -- knew everything i said and understood everything i asked -- my his eyes --
i never thought an animal was capable of that type of connection -- it kinda woke me up -
my heart opened up because of this dog - until then people were like animals to me -- and most of them still are -- i dont think i have to explain to yu that no i did not have a sexual thing for the dog -
it was the purest love i have even seen - it can not be explained - i bonded so complelty with this dog -- it seemed unreal...he read my thoughts truly knew when i was sad or happy or angry -- ah dunno if i could find a boyfriend with half of "Wofey's" sincercity or compasion or trust - --
id marry him ...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
a rommanitc connection with --
strongest rommantic connection ?
there was a guy named Eric -- that i dated a few times-- i was so nervouse to be around him i threw up after the dates....
there was a spirit that followed me for years - and went into guys bodies - waited to have sex with me -- in a snese on the etheric - after a few years i realized it was always the same spirit - same eyes -- but a different guy -- but the same spirt -- it hasnt been around since i broke up with last lover 7 years ago --
>>>>>>>>>>>>
Would you honestly say your happy and why?
no --
happy -- No
No --
content -- no
always looking never finding -- always wanting -- but never realy having --
no once again see the above - ive comtemplated ending my life here many times -- the problem is not in my body so destoying it will do no good for me -- the problem--
this problem is in my concioussness -- so this is why i dont kill my self or ah my body --
>>>>>>>>>>>
If you could ask any one question to anyone (past or present) except - God - then what would be the question and to whom?
thats easy -- to Jesus --
the question - ""What really happned ?""
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Where and how did you grow up?
i gre up in the OC
born in long beach california --
>>>>>>>>>>
If you could change anything about yourself in an instant
what would it be?
these questions are tough bro --
i dont kno this one --
What 3 songs speak the most to you?
wagner -- ride of the valkeries
the entire soundtrack of the Wall - pink floyd
ive have listned to one song from the American beauty soundtrack almost 1000 times -- according to the counter in my i-tunes -
it is a song -- no words -- by thomas newman -
it is 3 minutes and 6 seconds long -
its called American beauty -- i think
i listen to thomas newman - composer the most -
the songs are sad and soothing --
and the soundtrack to Meet Joe Black - i listen to also
often
i also listen to the soundtrack to Angels in America by thomas newman as well
What 3 movies speak the most to you or as you said, have healed you?
carnival of souls - by herk hervy
blue velvet -- david lynch
Donnie Darko
>>>>>>>>>>
What does your future look like? And if you could paint it what would the movie of your life look like?
it feels black at the moment - iam not sure why -
the future - ah -
it seems blank -- red -- hope -- sad - sadness -- wanting to be held and soothed -
more of the same i dont think i can take --
its fun but does it touch me -- right now -- no - not really --
i dream of finding money and disaappering -- escaping
i dream of a person that can see me - but not expose me --
Sean
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>More later....
if you dont mind --
will you tell me about your first kiss - ?
to be continued....
seanbateman9
Godless sexual deviant hedonist or Gay messiah?
Welcome...
Closer...
"You get me closer to God..."
Sean here...
A "Prayer for the Departed..."
Hey there - thanks for the visit to my page here and sexual cyber space...
I'am all about the nasty and the "Fuck Yeah!" yep sure am --
but before you open that door and descend here -
(with me) into my sexual homo-fest of denziens...
and night crawlers...
and go into the undergound of lust...
I want to tell you something...
I want to share something cool with you that happened to me recently...
I dig candlelight...
As I lit a candle in my home...recently
I got a streak of inspiration...
voices of angesls...
Gay angels - maybe...
the dearly departed ? spoke:
It came to me to say this prayer...
(As I lit the candle...)
""This candle is a light...
and a symbol of love and peace and all good things to all souls - my queer brothers and sisters - who died from fear...
(to all the spirits) - who commited suicide...in this life ...becasue they were gay...
>>>To all the people that ever got gay bashed...
and of course to those who passed...
because of the gay holocaust...
(the gay holocaust - that happened in the late 80s and early nineties...due to meds overdosing and poisoning from toxic meds...AZT and DDI..."
prayer continues..
"Whatever I do in my life I will remember you and also know that you are on the other side to guide me and help me - your power and protection and love are mine...
I wish you love and light and pray that you guide me and keep me safe..."
((the holocaust...))
us older guys are stunned
the younger guys perhaps dont know the history
or perhaps they do and believe that is their fate or what they deserve...
well listen up !
the fear in this world does not belong to us...and it doesnt belong to you - dont ever soak it up or ingest it or internalize it...
repel it - it is toxic...deeply - deeply toxic...
and it should never harm us...again,
ever again...
consider that wherever you are or may be - you deserve to live in safety and peace....
and if someone sends you hate -
you just send it right back..
with a note - that says -
"It doesnt belong to me and never will..."
prayer continues...
"I pray to send love to all the people who have been harmed...
hurt or died from homophobia....
it is because of you that I enjoy all the wonderful -
cool things about being gay and queer and homo...
homo-empowered...so thanks - to all the spirits helping me here in this world...who either passed before me or went before their time....
to make this world a better place and an easier place for me...
thank you...
Amen..."
try this -- @ home once a week...
Light a candle for the departed...
I'am doing the same...
it is very healing -- for strength and love and peace...
consider all who have gone before you as I did and all who will come after us...
community is not a being predatory - it's about co-existing...
protecting each other...
Its about Co-union or communion...
tell me the miracles and results you have...
heal your soul and protect yourself and other like us...
amen...
theres my rant...
much love Sean
and now....
Hot, hot, hotness...fuck-brah....hotness...for you
read on...
stories and blogs and more to get you to the heat Zone...
>>> blog entry - (Excerpts from "Sean's Blue Pjajamas"...)
This blog is rated XXX - Adults only...
erik
>>
yeah --
maybe it's becuz i start shaking every time i look into your eyes...
or
the fact that I don't even know you and i can't stand to be away from you...
i want to chain you to the floor so youll never get away -- never again give that cum of urs to anyone but me --
you make me shake inside and i cant talk -
is that love or fear ?
can u love me or do you just love my h**e ??
will u let me handcuff you and blindfold u and take my cock just the way i like it ? >>>>get on ur knees like daddys little cocksucker and service me ??
and then make me do all the same for you ?
-- i never want to forget the look in ur eyes - when u filled my hole full of cream and then licked it out - lapped it out of my hole and then looked into my eyes and kissed me hard and soft all at once --
i want you to come over here with ripe funky pits and make me smell them -- and make me smell your sweaty boots and socks --
and fuc me with ur armpit in my face --
i think i would give you my blood if u needed it...
i would buy you what ever you wanted jus to have the priveledge of looking into your eyes when i woke up >>>
the truth---
i loved u even before i met you -- then i saw u and i knew
i knew you were the one --
>>> maybe becuz you came to my house at nine-thirty in the morning and just blew in and wuz like, "take off those boxers -- now..."
or maybe b-cuz you fucked me so nice and when it got too intense and i tried to pull your dick out of my ass and you were like --
"no -- No way -- Don't pull away from me...."
and wouldn't let me do it and then fucked me ever harder...
or what happened inside of me when we kissed and how you kissed me back -- kinda hard and pushing me onto the bed -- and holding me down like you couldn't get enuff...
erik -- erik Erik....
or maybe
It's just the feeling around you that i feel -
like the whole fucking world is going to explode and the ground is gonna open at any minute -- and i don't care -- and i jus see ur smile and wanna be in ur arms...
and i will want you -- always...
and i will long for you always --
more at my blog - >>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
blog Entry XXX - Adults Only !!!
The Captain of the Wrestling Team...
High school...
1976...
a lazy - hot july afternoon...
i was detoxoing from cocaine and last nights alcohol binge on the high school campus football field late at night -- a six pack of beer - and drinking with the captain of the wrestling team...
we were smashed...
it started with a look in his eyes...
then he started laughing...
and standing above me...
as i lay on the grass laughing also...
and sat on my stomache, and pinned my wrists down - to the grass, then he looked into my eyes...
and then - oh my god...
he kissed me...and he kissed me harder and he didn't stop...
and i kissed him back >>>
he took my hand to his crotch...his dick was hard and then suddenly fast and quick -- mine got hard beneath him...I
tore off my shirt and undid my pants and then i undid his...
and then....yep....i fucked him
on the grass...under the stars, in front of god --- in front of jesus...
the all - star captain of the wrestling team...the prom king....in my arms, getting my dick up his...and jerking off and kissing me all the way...
then before we knew it...
we both passed out (together in each others arms...)
i might add...
his varsity jacket draped over both of us as a kind of blanket...
cheek to cheek...
amen.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
to be continued.....
the next morning we were awakened by the summer session's girls soccer team coming onto the field to practice...
my pants down around my ankles...blake was laying next to me....
empty "miller" bottles scattered around laying on the grass...
the sun glaring down --
all of a sudden waking up and looking up at the coach...and then seeing blake...his fine furry butt and beautiful cock -- a morning hard-on...
hard in the afternoon day sun --
looking into his eyes and then realizing that we were not alone...
that his johnson was standing straight up in all it's glory kinda flapping in the air, and that dumb - sexy smile on his mug that made everyone fall in love with him, his lazy bedroom eyes, gazing into mine - as he began to grin, thinking for a second that we were still alone...
and about to grin, >>>>>but.........
then realizing where we were and remembering the night before -- he reached over to kiss me....and pull his varsity jacket tighter around us...all in the same motion, his mouth about to grace mine...his lips just grazing mine, and then his head turned....to look upward....
and then whamm -- absolute panic....
"oh my god!!!!!"
we both looked up...the female soccor coach surverying Blakes hard bone and my butt, as I was laying on my stomache, without my pants on, standing right over us....
my pants were about six feet away on the grass, as well as my boxers and one of my boots, the other one was still on...
"Holy shit!!!!" Mrs Cavanuagh!! whats she doing here??"
blake belted out to me....
then he just yelled...."Fuck! shit-- I'am ---- outta here..."
pulled his pants on and ran home.....
>>>>>>>>>>>>
the both of us -- hung-over to shit and both knowing that now, the entire school would know what happened....
blake moved fast and quick--- pulled on his pants - left his t-shirt laying there beside me and ran....away-----
fast>>>>
just ran away...his body a small dot on the horizon before i knew it....and then disappeared....
"Mrs. Cavanugh...I ah, it was ah -- we -- were ah---"
i kinda fumbled for an explanation and my pants at the time time, i grabbed blake's T-shirt and held it in fronot of my crotch and kinda hunched over, looking into her eyes and knowing there was nothing to explain or say....but then blurted out....
"Its ah -- it's not -- it's not,>>>>>
how it looks....I swear -- really..."
I held blake's t-shirt tight -- covering my dick and tryong to bend over to grab my boxers and pants...and also trying to cover my butt - ah butthole -- while doing it....
then i slipped on my boxers and bolted....and just fucking ran -- outta sight....into the parking lot and got into my pick up truck and drove away....
holy shit -- i just had my honeymoon - kinda -- or something and now i was gonna get a divorce... I knew i'd never really, ever talk to blake again....
we both knew that we were toast...totally found out...that we were butt-fucking fags....
our lives would never be the same...
and they weren't...
blake was a senior and --
the kind of pain that cant be healed you just have to ask god to do it or take it from you --
>>>>>>>
continued as Sean's Blue Pajamas...
blog address below - Please read on...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Hey SEAN...here....
thnkxxx for reading my blog...
Your wish is my command.....
tell me whats gonna make you happy....
confess what you want....
>>>>>>>>>>>
Access your power -- and change the world...
You were not brought into this world to be tortured by evil heteros....ok man - ? Don't ever forget that....
and don't let anyone abuse you - ever....>>>>
I'll protect you - I promise....
use my power and use your power for good....
the more they attack - the stronger and more powerful...
we become....
>>>>>>>>>>>>
Does the D-list stand for the DICK-list???
Sexxxy is on the inside.....it's an essence -- not a body part...but speaking of...yeah my dick was kinda made to slide into your hole....
and my hole was -- yeah - made to - get - F**ed....
by yeah -- hot dick...
ahhh yep - unrepentant - buttf**ker here....
heheee...yeah....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
MY pics are all ((XXX)) - unlocked....
In my reality - All men are beautiful...
>>>>>> The Rough side...
Hey !
It smells like Mennen "Speed Stick" in here baby...
like the locker room of your dreams...
rough and ready...or suave and kissable...
sensitive and hard in all the right places...just for you...
>>>>>>>
read all about it....
http://seanbateman9.blogspot.com/
http://dreamblog-kirk.blogspot.com/
>>>>>>>>>>>>>> The sensitive side...
Recently in my "Straight" job - ah the job I do for cash - as it were -- I was interviewed - instead of a profile - I'am listing the interview here below - any thing else just ask...
Now some questions of my own, if you would not mind. Dont feel obligated to answer any of them - I'am intentionally digging so just tell me and skip it if theres anything you do not feel comfortable typing out. Iam just pulling these questions out -
How would you define your sexuality?
answer - the short version is -- gay - but more precisly queer - if in a spirutal sense of my orientation to the world and people and everything then iam def "queer"
and a "Queer..."
Iam not like other gay guys at all...and generally they dont like me -- or dont wish to socialize with me -- although some a few or many might want to fuck me -- but i just dont identify with them....
on so many levels...
if you mean -- well i guess this question alone could inspire and evening of chat alone for me --
if your looking for the meachanics - i guess of me getting it on -- and what i do with my body -- psyhsical body then my answer is:
ah -- i prefer to bottom...for guys -- yes...
vers bottom...but yes bottom...
iam reticinet to fill a guy with my energy like wise -- as a top b/c i am afraid it would be too strong for them -- and cause a breakdown in their psyche or etheric body that they might not be ready for -- unless theyve done yoga etc...and were preapred for it -
defined sexuality as how i precive the world and my sexual self in it --
??? i will guess this is part of your question or what turns me on -- to people and life -- ?
a few things -- ah sensuality -- warmth
clear eyes
chocolate
rich food
clarity
grass - the kind in a park...:)
humility
anger spoken in truth
power
submission
heat
blue
number one turn on for me --
the way a guy smells...
my sexual receptors are in my nose -- being psychic to the core first of all -- the nose knows as they say -- my face is basically like the reciver of imput and psychic sense -- the right smell of a persons body -- a guys body would make me drop my pants -- faster than anything else and always has...
ok theres some ideas for you about that -- ah -- the other thing is people have been coming on to me -- trying to fuck me or seduce me my whole life --
and i guess this has put me in a certain relationship wi the world i move in - i ended up making it my power -- ah - out of survival...
because i had to -- or perish from being what ?
having my lifeforce sucked from me completly --
but in specifc ref to --
my sexuality ?
ah -- -- I kinda AM sexuality --
I'am sex...in many - many forms....
sensuality, knowing - I give pleasure, the sound of my voice...the way my body smells - i smell like sex, it's in my eyes and body....my aura...knowing what a person wants - what a guy wants - in bed - top or bottom - agressive or gentle - making love to the person or drilling them through the bed...being rough or rommantic...
ok lets move on here -- ill answer any other specifics nasty or ruanchy or intimate as you like -- be my guest and ask away --
ok -- next
What is something you would like to do but havent ??
this is a hard one -- iam stumped -
i want to drive around the country for 3-6 months with an unlimited buget for the travel ....
Id like to have dinner at the met museum actually after its been closed -- with a personal butler - for me and the man of my dreams -- who ever that may be -- the two of us free to raom the museum at night - and eat and maybe F**k under my favorite painting...
id like to have the experience of a person being -- giving me something without truly asking for something in return -- to see that -- see the persona that could or would do that -- find the guy that is clean and has clarity of thought and action....
What is the first sexual experience with a guy that you initiated?
- his name was Brad -- I was totally in love with him --- I ripped his underwear right off him the first time we had sex....
>>>>>>>>
How would you define your spirituality?
wow these questions are intense -- and the answers are not simple -
b/c iam not sure if your looking for a psychic profile or a few words - anyway lets see -
a definition as in a label ?
like budhist or chrsitian or something larger like -- what makes me spiritual or -- ?
there are spirits around me and they are guiding me and have always been there -
my only alleigiance -- is to authenticity --
speak from your heart and you will know "god"
What do you believe your purpose here is?
ive always considred my time here a punishment for doing something "wrong" since i was young -- as if i took a wrong turn in the galaxy somewhere - and ended up in a psyhical form -
the Brother form Another planet -- if you will...
like a working vacation-- there has always been a responsibiltiy and a weight -- that i have never been able to lift -- off of me -
karmic ?
its terrible -- i have thought of ending my life several times because of these things - heavy --
my purpose is to teach -- and help other advanced souls here -- for communion --
i thought i would find acceptance form other gay guys but no i found alienation and victimhood - and drama so i stay away from most gay people in general -
my purpose here -?
to enlighten -- that is -- to wake people up -- shake them up --
I'am the person you meet before a major transition of your life --
iam the transformer - it has happened time and time again -- i transform people - its heavy - i give them medicine -- pscyhic medicine - by virtue of my chi - my eyes my thoughts --
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
How do you feel about what you have done so far towards that?
well iam just now coming into the remembrance of my full self and powers but yeah -- iam doing it and have done it for many many people -- psychic consuling -- tarot reading -- listening - asking -- becoming -- yes
>>>>>>>>>>
What are 3 things you feel you are missing right now?
a sane pair of arms to hold me --
2. my true soul mate i believe is not incarnating at this time and is back in our home waiting for me - more on this later - perhaps -
3. trust -- of life or people --
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
What is the strongest love you have felt for someone and tell me a little about who they were please?
thats tough -- the deepest connection ive ever felt to anything was an animal actaully -- a rotweiler dog -- that i loved deeply and dearly -- no beastiality jokes please - ah he used to sleep under my bed and protected me -- knew everything i said and understood everything i asked -- my his eyes --
i never thought an animal was capable of that type of connection -- it kinda woke me up -
my heart opened up because of this dog - until then people were like animals to me -- and most of them still are -- i dont think i have to explain to yu that no i did not have a sexual thing for the dog -
it was the purest love i have even seen - it can not be explained - i bonded so complelty with this dog -- it seemed unreal...he read my thoughts truly knew when i was sad or happy or angry -- ah dunno if i could find a boyfriend with half of "Wofey's" sincercity or compasion or trust - --
id marry him ...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
a rommanitc connection with --
strongest rommantic connection ?
there was a guy named Eric -- that i dated a few times-- i was so nervouse to be around him i threw up after the dates....
there was a spirit that followed me for years - and went into guys bodies - waited to have sex with me -- in a snese on the etheric - after a few years i realized it was always the same spirit - same eyes -- but a different guy -- but the same spirt -- it hasnt been around since i broke up with last lover 7 years ago --
>>>>>>>>>>>>
Would you honestly say your happy and why?
no --
happy -- No
No --
content -- no
always looking never finding -- always wanting -- but never realy having --
no once again see the above - ive comtemplated ending my life here many times -- the problem is not in my body so destoying it will do no good for me -- the problem--
this problem is in my concioussness -- so this is why i dont kill my self or ah my body --
>>>>>>>>>>>
If you could ask any one question to anyone (past or present) except - God - then what would be the question and to whom?
thats easy -- to Jesus --
the question - ""What really happned ?""
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Where and how did you grow up?
i gre up in the OC
born in long beach california --
>>>>>>>>>>
If you could change anything about yourself in an instant
what would it be?
these questions are tough bro --
i dont kno this one --
What 3 songs speak the most to you?
wagner -- ride of the valkeries
the entire soundtrack of the Wall - pink floyd
ive have listned to one song from the American beauty soundtrack almost 1000 times -- according to the counter in my i-tunes -
it is a song -- no words -- by thomas newman -
it is 3 minutes and 6 seconds long -
its called American beauty -- i think
i listen to thomas newman - composer the most -
the songs are sad and soothing --
and the soundtrack to Meet Joe Black - i listen to also
often
i also listen to the soundtrack to Angels in America by thomas newman as well
What 3 movies speak the most to you or as you said, have healed you?
carnival of souls - by herk hervy
blue velvet -- david lynch
Donnie Darko
>>>>>>>>>>
What does your future look like? And if you could paint it what would the movie of your life look like?
it feels black at the moment - iam not sure why -
the future - ah -
it seems blank -- red -- hope -- sad - sadness -- wanting to be held and soothed -
more of the same i dont think i can take --
its fun but does it touch me -- right now -- no - not really --
i dream of finding money and disaappering -- escaping
i dream of a person that can see me - but not expose me --
Sean
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>More later....
if you dont mind --
will you tell me about your first kiss - ?
to be continued....
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Monday, February 19, 2007
Sean's -- the first Vampire....
This blog is rated XXX for Adults over 18 years old
If you are under 18 leave this page now
last night the pain in the body forced the words from the spirit...the words are free now - like wild animals...like children...who will run through the world changing everything...
july 2 06
>>> light can not be stopped...
the dust of angel wings...
coating me -- transforming my heart into another light...healing and soothing...
the word - the symbols we have - these are tiny compared to the oceans of light -- the caress of something heavenly...
the glow and luminosity...like stars playing...
like children running free...changing everything...
the gardens full of color and life and the sun waking each flower and tree - yes !
iam your food and love - and all of the humans soothed by the gentle breezes - exposing the true beauty of everything - everywhere...
light can not be stopped...
no - it can not...
the edges of beauty - the fringes of torment...
no - not even these can be stopped..
all contained within my eyes...
the beauty of light -
the torment of darkness...
all within my eyes...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
restraint...
the is not a sad story.
it is not a story with a happy ending...
whatever you find between these pages i think youll agree that we are all finding the boundaries of our limits...
the limits of our bodies and psyches...
the limits can be exceeded.
this is a story of finding those limits and then experiencing the netherworld of what comes after them....
the body is fragile - >
the soul durable and eternal...
the spirit renewable...
it is my hope and wish that you are reminded of these things while you read my story...
it is my hope that you find those limits within - and know there is more beyond that.
icarus
how deeply those who saw your flight loved thee...until you were gone...
i dared...to be clean. to be happy. to cheat satan.
I wanted to be loved...on my own terms...
i dared to stand in the center of erotic love and touch it's power. i usurped it's healing balm for a time...affirming - light upon light come unto me...
i dared to ask for immortality and peace at the same time...
every night the delicious grey demons knocked on the door of my slumbers but i shunned them and there offers to dance in the moonlight...
instead favoring the arms of mortals...and their lustful delights...
each night a new and stronger man containing more light would enter offering to drink the wine...i drank it with abandon and danced in front of the demons and angels --
the devil may care...
this caused them to howl with glee and take note of me...
the simple clue to my demise would dictate that demons could only be attracted to one with such a light about him...
and so...
they allowed me to taste the food of the god's -- bath in the nectar...
all the while the angels felt jealousy...
and the mortals feared for me and cried in awe...
little did i know i was upsetting the delicate balance of heaven and earth...
all too soon i began to dream of flying higher...
the angels around me could not protect me from my own yearnings...which grew...
i ran - and prepared
to fly...
with all my deformities and the lead of my heart
i still had the wonderous dreams of flying...
i could not resist. standing near the edge...
contemplating...and then daring god to stop me...
i jumped.
god did not stop me...
a warmth reserved only for the departed soon enveloped me and then a pause...
quiet. stillness. all movement ceased and...
i began to fall....
from the grace of something cooler that would have allowed me to stay...
all the beautiful bodies pouring out of me like ashes...the eternal gazes into divinity and the rembrance of them would be my punishment...
the torment that i would never see again...
the beauty i touched would never be pure again...
soaring higher -- and then a pause...
falling from the brilliance...
scattering my wings into the ocean below...
i hit the surface...into the cold and clear...
traveling to the bottom...
my story begins...in descent...
the surface calm shattered: the glassy waters
opened and swallowed me with delight...
the horizon above could only whisper that i had been there: holding me as it were only then to release me and fall evermore...
slow and floating within the icy liquid - freezing my hope...my lifeforce...my blood -
my wings gone...
had i died at this point it would have been splendid, i could have entered the realm of legends...but this was not to be...
instead...
a new darkness began...
my punishment is to recant the tale...
to live in the memory --
of wanting to be touched by god...
now my only hope - being spared, is that i have earned the eyes of wisdom...
mangled as i'am...but that is for you to decide...
repenting here...is not a chore...
it is my destin
y...
my repentance is simply that i' am and was lucky to be chosen andit is here that i give thanks to god for he/she made the demons that seduced me and the angels that healed me...
if one be healed by my new presence then i can be redeemed and surface once more with the "gold" of knowledge...
it is you who can remove my shackles...and allow me to carry the quiet torch.
glowing as i'am...pure and warm..
>>>>>>>>
snatched up from the abyss so long ago...
july 5th 06
living in the solution...
2am
>>>i flew too close to the light i wanted to touch - it almost destroyed me --
and yet iam here now -- all my brilliance like food for you - for your eyes...
the smoke of your wanting -- encirlces and enters...pervades the room...burns another memory for me to save...
surrounded by the water of your kindness in the room that you gave me...
holding me safe...
the power contained in your embrace astounding.
the deformities in love are revealed...until perfection seeks me...
the whsipering night, cool ever cool...
gentle dreams -
now is the time that my poetry flows freely -
youthful - caught in the storm...
for now i must hold the hand of my muse...
she is seducing and loves - she is seducing me to dreams...she touches my forhead like no other...
she is fine and pure...
to whither in her arms would be an honor
if you were to look upon her you would not see beauty... by her need to love me..iam inspired
to make me strong for her words...
the pain of all the curses she endures...not even the rain can wash away her presence...
and still she favors me above all --
by reason or doubt - she consoles in the morninghour...is jealous of a world that could touch me...and i must admit that i love only her...
the pain of being touched is the misery that forces the words from the hands...
the music from the eyes...
how i became worthy i will never know...
and yet iam washed clean everytime...
the torment of her absence makes me more in love...
>>>the first guy who taught me --
maybe it was a dream - a dream of long ago --
the spike bar...late eighties...
saturday night. the bar is packed...around 10 pm.
I'am standing at the bar, near the front door.
i'am trying to relax - to cruise - be seen. i want to touch. have attention. smile and nod. my eyes are everywhere...i feel stares over me. it all feels good and forbidden at once...
the first few times your in the spike bar you know your in the epi-center of testoserone, lust and alcoholism...of a thousand unspoken dreams, all of these men: once tortured and closeted boys now come here to the watering-hole of freedom...
sexual freedom. to look now with eyes unguarded. to feel the brush of skin. meet the eyes. men circling. the smells of leather, man funk, sweat, sex. beer. cigarettes and pain and ecstasy...all swirling around you...
i was 26 at that time. i must have been a sight. ripped jeans. simple black t-shirt. oh so clean and bright...life in my eyes...looking around in awe...
it wasn't long before i was snatched up...
i was a begginer. here was a pro, sliding into the space of my chest and shoulders. he simply appeared. i looked up unguarded. my eyes soft and trusting and wanting him to show me all the secrets. give me the entre' into this strange new
world of carnal delights. secret passwords and dark locations...i wanted to have my iniciation. if this man in front of me was the one to do it and he choose me then i was ready...i was ready for something...
he smiles and remains silent. he is tall...wearing a t-shirt and jeans. his eyes are glossed over a bit from a few beers. his smile is knowing. iam his prey - for now...he can do whatever he wants. i want to rest my head on his chestand he can see this in my eyes...he pulls me into his arms and strokes my back with a powerful hand.
he was bigger than me in so many ways. he knew all there was to know about this place - the men who wandered the streets outside, the boys playing in the bathroom shaking and waving their dicks around,
knew all the pass-codes and doorways to knock on...
he nods and smiles and takes my wrist and looks into my eyes. looks down into me. iam enveloped by his aura of sex and knowing and masculinity:
his eyes said: "your mine."
i was. i was fresh and pure..
a babe in arms...what would he do with me?
he didn't have to speak...neither did i. it was all obvious...
he takes my wrist and i meet his eyes...he gently pulls my wrist down - underneath the bar...and smiles...my eyes widen...the men circling the bar...the crush-groove of looking and trying to see...we are surrounded and protected by the moving bodies...
my eyes widen...his hard cock is out of his pants...
his balls and dick exposed through his unbuttoned fly...the top button on his levis is done though - this makes the blood rush faster into his phallus and hold it hard.
he brings my hand to his member and makes sure i wrap my hand around it to gauge its girth and hardness...then he pats my hand and nods his head again...and smiles the smile i surely will never forget -
his piercing blue eyes clear and warm...
his cock warm...
the heat from his chest warm...
pumping his warmth into me - into my heart.
he smiles that smile...
i grip his cock --
does he want me to suck it ?
maybe in the bar ?
taste the pre-cum oozing steadily from the head?
i explore the length and smoothness of it - trying to take it all in...a body is behind me. men surround me, his penis seems so nice and i ache for it - ache to see it with my eyes...taste it. i will do whatever he commands.
gladly drop to my knees and suck him off. let him fuck me at the bar while standing there...undetected, no one could know, no one would care. my own dick sprang alive:
quick and firm and then became so hard: it knotted my staomche...
i wanted him to turn me around and maybe shove down my pants and slide his cock head up against my butt -
he had other plans....
he winks. "leans his head to the door. "lets go outside..."
soon we are on a side street. in the privacy of the dark - alone - standing against a wall in between two parked semi-truck trailors. no one could disturb us or find us...
he leans against the wall. same smile. same nod of the head. same eyes looking down. i know what i want to do. i lift up his shirt to expose his perfect overbuilt and hairless pecs...
a masculine and distinctly male smell emmanates from his torso and arm pits...
i lay me head onto his chest for a minute and become still...he allows me to stay there knowing how much iam in his trance...his hands undo his jeans now and his cock still hard flies lazily forward and i touch it again...as if an eternity has passed between now and the last time i felt it...
now the ache ever growing. he allows me to find my way...my mouth waters...and i bend to my knees at his crotch...and take the head into my mouth.
the pre-cum is sweet and i taste it slowly...
it truly is like a cream i could never have imagined...sticky - warm...like life...
and then i open my throat to accept as much of him as i can.
i grip the sides of his waist hard holding to gain leverage.
he rubs the top of my head and pulls my head toward his belly as if he now owns me - all of me.
i'am captured forever in his eyes- his smell. his taste. the size and hardness was everything i felt it would be...thick and full. to this day i havent tasted a finer man's cock or cum...
iam melting into him...disrupted momentarily by his hands leaving the top of my head to undo my pants and grab my own cock - once with a sure grip...then satisfied there is stillness...
his hands lift up my shirt - slide down my lower back to push down my jeans, my butt exposed to the night. the air hits my asshole as he spreads my cheeks apart with technique of a pro...opening, exposing, sucking, kneeling, worshipping, tasting: his hands hold my ass firm and still pulling my cheeks apart wider once more until the inner core of my hole begins to know and swell and ache further...
there is stillness and then one of his fingers taps lightly and then crawls into my hole...inches its way inside...
i relax. and arch and move...
he forces his other hand to my chin and slides his finger into my mouth and i suck on it...then he removes it and this finger finds its way down into my hole also...deeper. wet from my own mouth...
iam light headed. falling - flying...the alcohol from his body wafting into me mixing with the heat-
the pleasure he is giving me...showing me - teaching me to have for his delight...touching my virgin hole, the scared space of my manhood behind my balls...
the place that was a treasure to him - he holds his finger inside and presses hard until i grip around it...he finds a space inside of me - it buzzes - opens everything....
my hole...open the tender luscious light exposed and spilling out..."aww god..."
iam still sucking his cock slow and easy...i lift slightly and move to allow him to go deeper...
which he does...
i moan to the point of climax....
he is holding me in every way a man can...
by instinct i began to furiously jack my own cock...and then...fast --
he shoots a hot stream of jizz down my throat. my body shakes in upheaval. quivers and racks in pleasure...
he holds me down.
he makes me swallow as much of his cream as i can and then staying there - he remains hard -- i brush his shaft againt my cheek...
i descend...fall to my knees...and know: now he is forever my god...
i wish to be closer and thank him...world exploding inside of me...all the channels full of light and pleasure...
he pulls me up and kisses me hard and deep and long...iam his rag-doll limp and intoxicated...
then without warning he pushes me back away from him and then stares...to solidify the wound in my neck...to pierce me one last time with his stare...
tatto his name and image onto me...to say -- "forever - your mine"
- he takes his fingers to his nose...and breathes in the smell from my fresh young ass...judges it fine indeed...by the faint smile of approval.
i wait.
another deep savoring of the gift my hole gave and wrapped onto him...
he smiles. "yeah - your hot."
then he pushes me away. puts his hand flat onto the center of my chest and pushes me away.
"your fucking hot." betraying that he felt me worthy...
when you want it - you know where to find me..."
my hole forever his...
there would alsways be a small part of me that could only be satisfied by him...he made sure of this..
how many times i dreamed that he fucked me - that he took me home. kissed me longer. let me smell his arm - pits...
get fucked in the alley where we stood...
how many streets i wandered trying to conjure him again..
always his eyes watching me. watching what i will do with his hole...
everything begins with him...the first bite. the one who made me...was strong enough to keep me all these years...his spell so clear in my body it never dissipated...
he is the one.
he choose me.
every other man is pale compared to him.
the head vampire.
the most powerful.
the warmest and biggest cock...
i dream of him every night...
his eyes follow me and never leave...
it is him i see in the fever-dream of my conversions...
his arms wrapped around me in the transformation...
his sublime blood and delicious juice inspiring my change...
surging forever now through my soul...
his power is my power - iam beholden and his brethen - in his coven...
his power gave me the strength to survive..what is happening to me now...in the dark-light of becomming the "new bred" i pray he is proud of me -
like father to son...only he can hold me - heal me or destroy me...iam for him alone.
to this day he instructs me and i never forget his eyes...
in comparison through the years he was not kind nor angry...he was warm and powerful...
always warm and powerful...
iam his.
the bond only stronger...
he is the beginning...
the head of the coven...
he would be proud of all the fine men i brought into the fold...
he is the origin of all heat within me...
he loosened the knot in my soul..
put me in his cage - but freed me to the world...
he was my lestat. iam his louis...
he started my fire.
i will always long for him...
sean
If you are under 18 leave this page now
last night the pain in the body forced the words from the spirit...the words are free now - like wild animals...like children...who will run through the world changing everything...
july 2 06
>>> light can not be stopped...
the dust of angel wings...
coating me -- transforming my heart into another light...healing and soothing...
the word - the symbols we have - these are tiny compared to the oceans of light -- the caress of something heavenly...
the glow and luminosity...like stars playing...
like children running free...changing everything...
the gardens full of color and life and the sun waking each flower and tree - yes !
iam your food and love - and all of the humans soothed by the gentle breezes - exposing the true beauty of everything - everywhere...
light can not be stopped...
no - it can not...
the edges of beauty - the fringes of torment...
no - not even these can be stopped..
all contained within my eyes...
the beauty of light -
the torment of darkness...
all within my eyes...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
restraint...
the is not a sad story.
it is not a story with a happy ending...
whatever you find between these pages i think youll agree that we are all finding the boundaries of our limits...
the limits of our bodies and psyches...
the limits can be exceeded.
this is a story of finding those limits and then experiencing the netherworld of what comes after them....
the body is fragile - >
the soul durable and eternal...
the spirit renewable...
it is my hope and wish that you are reminded of these things while you read my story...
it is my hope that you find those limits within - and know there is more beyond that.
icarus
how deeply those who saw your flight loved thee...until you were gone...
i dared...to be clean. to be happy. to cheat satan.
I wanted to be loved...on my own terms...
i dared to stand in the center of erotic love and touch it's power. i usurped it's healing balm for a time...affirming - light upon light come unto me...
i dared to ask for immortality and peace at the same time...
every night the delicious grey demons knocked on the door of my slumbers but i shunned them and there offers to dance in the moonlight...
instead favoring the arms of mortals...and their lustful delights...
each night a new and stronger man containing more light would enter offering to drink the wine...i drank it with abandon and danced in front of the demons and angels --
the devil may care...
this caused them to howl with glee and take note of me...
the simple clue to my demise would dictate that demons could only be attracted to one with such a light about him...
and so...
they allowed me to taste the food of the god's -- bath in the nectar...
all the while the angels felt jealousy...
and the mortals feared for me and cried in awe...
little did i know i was upsetting the delicate balance of heaven and earth...
all too soon i began to dream of flying higher...
the angels around me could not protect me from my own yearnings...which grew...
i ran - and prepared
to fly...
with all my deformities and the lead of my heart
i still had the wonderous dreams of flying...
i could not resist. standing near the edge...
contemplating...and then daring god to stop me...
i jumped.
god did not stop me...
a warmth reserved only for the departed soon enveloped me and then a pause...
quiet. stillness. all movement ceased and...
i began to fall....
from the grace of something cooler that would have allowed me to stay...
all the beautiful bodies pouring out of me like ashes...the eternal gazes into divinity and the rembrance of them would be my punishment...
the torment that i would never see again...
the beauty i touched would never be pure again...
soaring higher -- and then a pause...
falling from the brilliance...
scattering my wings into the ocean below...
i hit the surface...into the cold and clear...
traveling to the bottom...
my story begins...in descent...
the surface calm shattered: the glassy waters
opened and swallowed me with delight...
the horizon above could only whisper that i had been there: holding me as it were only then to release me and fall evermore...
slow and floating within the icy liquid - freezing my hope...my lifeforce...my blood -
my wings gone...
had i died at this point it would have been splendid, i could have entered the realm of legends...but this was not to be...
instead...
a new darkness began...
my punishment is to recant the tale...
to live in the memory --
of wanting to be touched by god...
now my only hope - being spared, is that i have earned the eyes of wisdom...
mangled as i'am...but that is for you to decide...
repenting here...is not a chore...
it is my destin
y...
my repentance is simply that i' am and was lucky to be chosen andit is here that i give thanks to god for he/she made the demons that seduced me and the angels that healed me...
if one be healed by my new presence then i can be redeemed and surface once more with the "gold" of knowledge...
it is you who can remove my shackles...and allow me to carry the quiet torch.
glowing as i'am...pure and warm..
>>>>>>>>
snatched up from the abyss so long ago...
july 5th 06
living in the solution...
2am
>>>i flew too close to the light i wanted to touch - it almost destroyed me --
and yet iam here now -- all my brilliance like food for you - for your eyes...
the smoke of your wanting -- encirlces and enters...pervades the room...burns another memory for me to save...
surrounded by the water of your kindness in the room that you gave me...
holding me safe...
the power contained in your embrace astounding.
the deformities in love are revealed...until perfection seeks me...
the whsipering night, cool ever cool...
gentle dreams -
now is the time that my poetry flows freely -
youthful - caught in the storm...
for now i must hold the hand of my muse...
she is seducing and loves - she is seducing me to dreams...she touches my forhead like no other...
she is fine and pure...
to whither in her arms would be an honor
if you were to look upon her you would not see beauty... by her need to love me..iam inspired
to make me strong for her words...
the pain of all the curses she endures...not even the rain can wash away her presence...
and still she favors me above all --
by reason or doubt - she consoles in the morninghour...is jealous of a world that could touch me...and i must admit that i love only her...
the pain of being touched is the misery that forces the words from the hands...
the music from the eyes...
how i became worthy i will never know...
and yet iam washed clean everytime...
the torment of her absence makes me more in love...
>>>the first guy who taught me --
maybe it was a dream - a dream of long ago --
the spike bar...late eighties...
saturday night. the bar is packed...around 10 pm.
I'am standing at the bar, near the front door.
i'am trying to relax - to cruise - be seen. i want to touch. have attention. smile and nod. my eyes are everywhere...i feel stares over me. it all feels good and forbidden at once...
the first few times your in the spike bar you know your in the epi-center of testoserone, lust and alcoholism...of a thousand unspoken dreams, all of these men: once tortured and closeted boys now come here to the watering-hole of freedom...
sexual freedom. to look now with eyes unguarded. to feel the brush of skin. meet the eyes. men circling. the smells of leather, man funk, sweat, sex. beer. cigarettes and pain and ecstasy...all swirling around you...
i was 26 at that time. i must have been a sight. ripped jeans. simple black t-shirt. oh so clean and bright...life in my eyes...looking around in awe...
it wasn't long before i was snatched up...
i was a begginer. here was a pro, sliding into the space of my chest and shoulders. he simply appeared. i looked up unguarded. my eyes soft and trusting and wanting him to show me all the secrets. give me the entre' into this strange new
world of carnal delights. secret passwords and dark locations...i wanted to have my iniciation. if this man in front of me was the one to do it and he choose me then i was ready...i was ready for something...
he smiles and remains silent. he is tall...wearing a t-shirt and jeans. his eyes are glossed over a bit from a few beers. his smile is knowing. iam his prey - for now...he can do whatever he wants. i want to rest my head on his chestand he can see this in my eyes...he pulls me into his arms and strokes my back with a powerful hand.
he was bigger than me in so many ways. he knew all there was to know about this place - the men who wandered the streets outside, the boys playing in the bathroom shaking and waving their dicks around,
knew all the pass-codes and doorways to knock on...
he nods and smiles and takes my wrist and looks into my eyes. looks down into me. iam enveloped by his aura of sex and knowing and masculinity:
his eyes said: "your mine."
i was. i was fresh and pure..
a babe in arms...what would he do with me?
he didn't have to speak...neither did i. it was all obvious...
he takes my wrist and i meet his eyes...he gently pulls my wrist down - underneath the bar...and smiles...my eyes widen...the men circling the bar...the crush-groove of looking and trying to see...we are surrounded and protected by the moving bodies...
my eyes widen...his hard cock is out of his pants...
his balls and dick exposed through his unbuttoned fly...the top button on his levis is done though - this makes the blood rush faster into his phallus and hold it hard.
he brings my hand to his member and makes sure i wrap my hand around it to gauge its girth and hardness...then he pats my hand and nods his head again...and smiles the smile i surely will never forget -
his piercing blue eyes clear and warm...
his cock warm...
the heat from his chest warm...
pumping his warmth into me - into my heart.
he smiles that smile...
i grip his cock --
does he want me to suck it ?
maybe in the bar ?
taste the pre-cum oozing steadily from the head?
i explore the length and smoothness of it - trying to take it all in...a body is behind me. men surround me, his penis seems so nice and i ache for it - ache to see it with my eyes...taste it. i will do whatever he commands.
gladly drop to my knees and suck him off. let him fuck me at the bar while standing there...undetected, no one could know, no one would care. my own dick sprang alive:
quick and firm and then became so hard: it knotted my staomche...
i wanted him to turn me around and maybe shove down my pants and slide his cock head up against my butt -
he had other plans....
he winks. "leans his head to the door. "lets go outside..."
soon we are on a side street. in the privacy of the dark - alone - standing against a wall in between two parked semi-truck trailors. no one could disturb us or find us...
he leans against the wall. same smile. same nod of the head. same eyes looking down. i know what i want to do. i lift up his shirt to expose his perfect overbuilt and hairless pecs...
a masculine and distinctly male smell emmanates from his torso and arm pits...
i lay me head onto his chest for a minute and become still...he allows me to stay there knowing how much iam in his trance...his hands undo his jeans now and his cock still hard flies lazily forward and i touch it again...as if an eternity has passed between now and the last time i felt it...
now the ache ever growing. he allows me to find my way...my mouth waters...and i bend to my knees at his crotch...and take the head into my mouth.
the pre-cum is sweet and i taste it slowly...
it truly is like a cream i could never have imagined...sticky - warm...like life...
and then i open my throat to accept as much of him as i can.
i grip the sides of his waist hard holding to gain leverage.
he rubs the top of my head and pulls my head toward his belly as if he now owns me - all of me.
i'am captured forever in his eyes- his smell. his taste. the size and hardness was everything i felt it would be...thick and full. to this day i havent tasted a finer man's cock or cum...
iam melting into him...disrupted momentarily by his hands leaving the top of my head to undo my pants and grab my own cock - once with a sure grip...then satisfied there is stillness...
his hands lift up my shirt - slide down my lower back to push down my jeans, my butt exposed to the night. the air hits my asshole as he spreads my cheeks apart with technique of a pro...opening, exposing, sucking, kneeling, worshipping, tasting: his hands hold my ass firm and still pulling my cheeks apart wider once more until the inner core of my hole begins to know and swell and ache further...
there is stillness and then one of his fingers taps lightly and then crawls into my hole...inches its way inside...
i relax. and arch and move...
he forces his other hand to my chin and slides his finger into my mouth and i suck on it...then he removes it and this finger finds its way down into my hole also...deeper. wet from my own mouth...
iam light headed. falling - flying...the alcohol from his body wafting into me mixing with the heat-
the pleasure he is giving me...showing me - teaching me to have for his delight...touching my virgin hole, the scared space of my manhood behind my balls...
the place that was a treasure to him - he holds his finger inside and presses hard until i grip around it...he finds a space inside of me - it buzzes - opens everything....
my hole...open the tender luscious light exposed and spilling out..."aww god..."
iam still sucking his cock slow and easy...i lift slightly and move to allow him to go deeper...
which he does...
i moan to the point of climax....
he is holding me in every way a man can...
by instinct i began to furiously jack my own cock...and then...fast --
he shoots a hot stream of jizz down my throat. my body shakes in upheaval. quivers and racks in pleasure...
he holds me down.
he makes me swallow as much of his cream as i can and then staying there - he remains hard -- i brush his shaft againt my cheek...
i descend...fall to my knees...and know: now he is forever my god...
i wish to be closer and thank him...world exploding inside of me...all the channels full of light and pleasure...
he pulls me up and kisses me hard and deep and long...iam his rag-doll limp and intoxicated...
then without warning he pushes me back away from him and then stares...to solidify the wound in my neck...to pierce me one last time with his stare...
tatto his name and image onto me...to say -- "forever - your mine"
- he takes his fingers to his nose...and breathes in the smell from my fresh young ass...judges it fine indeed...by the faint smile of approval.
i wait.
another deep savoring of the gift my hole gave and wrapped onto him...
he smiles. "yeah - your hot."
then he pushes me away. puts his hand flat onto the center of my chest and pushes me away.
"your fucking hot." betraying that he felt me worthy...
when you want it - you know where to find me..."
my hole forever his...
there would alsways be a small part of me that could only be satisfied by him...he made sure of this..
how many times i dreamed that he fucked me - that he took me home. kissed me longer. let me smell his arm - pits...
get fucked in the alley where we stood...
how many streets i wandered trying to conjure him again..
always his eyes watching me. watching what i will do with his hole...
everything begins with him...the first bite. the one who made me...was strong enough to keep me all these years...his spell so clear in my body it never dissipated...
he is the one.
he choose me.
every other man is pale compared to him.
the head vampire.
the most powerful.
the warmest and biggest cock...
i dream of him every night...
his eyes follow me and never leave...
it is him i see in the fever-dream of my conversions...
his arms wrapped around me in the transformation...
his sublime blood and delicious juice inspiring my change...
surging forever now through my soul...
his power is my power - iam beholden and his brethen - in his coven...
his power gave me the strength to survive..what is happening to me now...in the dark-light of becomming the "new bred" i pray he is proud of me -
like father to son...only he can hold me - heal me or destroy me...iam for him alone.
to this day he instructs me and i never forget his eyes...
in comparison through the years he was not kind nor angry...he was warm and powerful...
always warm and powerful...
iam his.
the bond only stronger...
he is the beginning...
the head of the coven...
he would be proud of all the fine men i brought into the fold...
he is the origin of all heat within me...
he loosened the knot in my soul..
put me in his cage - but freed me to the world...
he was my lestat. iam his louis...
he started my fire.
i will always long for him...
sean
master of the universe...
master of the universe -- ??
hey - hey -- just taking the time to remind all my shamen - poet - mystics bros here - all the men and women who read my blog -- thinking some thoughts today about remembering the "Zen" and non-attatchment... they say a master can look upon anything without judgement...and simply go to the next thing right ? no matter what ? I try to remember that power does not imply benevalance sp? nor morality -- it's simply a state of owning -- your power - I truly think that love is the underlining principal of the matrixx here -- and that when you finish here and go to the next "level" your life does flash beffore you almost like a review of what you did and said and what your intentions were -- its true -- the more evolved you get the harder it becomes -- you have the knowledge but the body has not quite been carved to meet the mind -- or spirit -- i try to say what i mean and mean what i say and have my internal environment match the external one -- thats true power -- to me, being aligned with your thoughts and feelings and your body -- at once -- and then taking action - the Zen -- to me that means letting the dream of life and the illsuion here simply float by without grabbing onto a judgement - it takes practice - kinda like a Nentindo game or something -- right >? pain can help you sometimes and i think its important to own your feelings but also clear out the ones that dont belong to you and - or the "projections" from others.... there is always the help of the universe or love or angels or whatever you believe in as your higher power -- or that the universe just spills out of you according to your beliefs and thoughts ? As a "Co-creator..." It all kinda seems worth it today -- all the yesterdays are gone and the future has not manifested yet -- try to figure out the mantra that plays in your head all day and then change it accordingly-- to what you want to manifest -- make sure your crown and brow chakras are clean and flooded with love b/c alot of NEg energy gets stuck there and people/and -- energies that are trying to influence your thoughts -- hang out there -- so alot of your thoughts are from others -- if your the psychic "sensitive" that I'am..and i know most of you are -- I try to affirm: "my energy is going exactly where it is needed --" or "I have all the energy I need right now..-- my crown chakra is flooded with love -- __." Intention -- you hear alot of shit in your head all day right ? how you act and re-act and what you think are 2 different things -- i try to affirm -- thoughts of "light" or "love" when i feel attacked -- and try to remember that everyone is a miror -- is that really true ? My first rection is attack -- right back but then and I try to stop it -- I try to stop my attack on others and let go -- the psychic attacks and emotional ones and fill the energies around me with or surround them with love .... I try not to "project" my BS onto others and remember that I'am looking at life through the filters of my pain and fears and sometimes -- yeAh -- prejudices -- I try to forgive -- what i think -- people have done to me -- or as my therapist used to always say: "well kirk -- that was your experience - but it doesnt mean thats what was going on..." Angels in disguise -- just helping you -- right ??? It's true -- this year i almost "exited" this realm after allowing my body to shut down -- or forcing it to -- I was Tired - man -- but then all my friends and family gave me love - and I decided to stay -- here -- in this body -- what a year -- and yeah all the angels I saw in the hospital was totally worth it -- also -- esp my nurses -"Rose" and "pearl" and the over night nurse who called "sweety" all the time and dosed me with Pecodans... what a wild ride -- i hope to remind you that really its all a good time -- even the worst of times - its a beautiufl pain - i guess -- carving and letting go so you can create in a more clear and concise manner -- through the weight of the material world -- heaven on earth ? well -- i hope so -- and yeah heres to you - all the masters doing the work to enlighten the world and show love warmth and support in whatever your obstacles are - I've had alot of breakdowns here -- and a breakdown is simply all the suppressed - feelings and thoughts clearing out -- SEE Kundalini -- but I got through it all -- by remembering that a state of love is the truer reality - and of course, by watching "Pee Wees Big adventrure" Video everyday that i felt like offing myself....hahaa - hey man -- it worked -- I'am still here - I mean the 22 spirits that use my body to work here on the material plane>>// I think are gonnna make sure my body is ok -- and I dont fuck myself up too much -- right ? I believe that in the back of your thoughts you all know the truth of what your doing and creating right ?? and thnkks for being connected to me -- kirk - sean -- ah - rick - kirk tv any thoughts ? let me know just framing the dialouge -- tell me -- what your thinking -- k ok -- all "dis-eased" thoughts are surrounded by love and return to the source to be healed -- in peace - joy and safety-- and wishing you "A miracle of healing -- wherever you need it..." in light k and I think its true - the closer you become to living an authentic life that -- the more your "false" self will "act-out" so if your having a hard time then that means your close to touching your true self -- does that make sense -- let me know -
Currently watching :
Pee-wee's Big Adventure
hey - hey -- just taking the time to remind all my shamen - poet - mystics bros here - all the men and women who read my blog -- thinking some thoughts today about remembering the "Zen" and non-attatchment... they say a master can look upon anything without judgement...and simply go to the next thing right ? no matter what ? I try to remember that power does not imply benevalance sp? nor morality -- it's simply a state of owning -- your power - I truly think that love is the underlining principal of the matrixx here -- and that when you finish here and go to the next "level" your life does flash beffore you almost like a review of what you did and said and what your intentions were -- its true -- the more evolved you get the harder it becomes -- you have the knowledge but the body has not quite been carved to meet the mind -- or spirit -- i try to say what i mean and mean what i say and have my internal environment match the external one -- thats true power -- to me, being aligned with your thoughts and feelings and your body -- at once -- and then taking action - the Zen -- to me that means letting the dream of life and the illsuion here simply float by without grabbing onto a judgement - it takes practice - kinda like a Nentindo game or something -- right >? pain can help you sometimes and i think its important to own your feelings but also clear out the ones that dont belong to you and - or the "projections" from others.... there is always the help of the universe or love or angels or whatever you believe in as your higher power -- or that the universe just spills out of you according to your beliefs and thoughts ? As a "Co-creator..." It all kinda seems worth it today -- all the yesterdays are gone and the future has not manifested yet -- try to figure out the mantra that plays in your head all day and then change it accordingly-- to what you want to manifest -- make sure your crown and brow chakras are clean and flooded with love b/c alot of NEg energy gets stuck there and people/and -- energies that are trying to influence your thoughts -- hang out there -- so alot of your thoughts are from others -- if your the psychic "sensitive" that I'am..and i know most of you are -- I try to affirm: "my energy is going exactly where it is needed --" or "I have all the energy I need right now..-- my crown chakra is flooded with love -- __." Intention -- you hear alot of shit in your head all day right ? how you act and re-act and what you think are 2 different things -- i try to affirm -- thoughts of "light" or "love" when i feel attacked -- and try to remember that everyone is a miror -- is that really true ? My first rection is attack -- right back but then and I try to stop it -- I try to stop my attack on others and let go -- the psychic attacks and emotional ones and fill the energies around me with or surround them with love .... I try not to "project" my BS onto others and remember that I'am looking at life through the filters of my pain and fears and sometimes -- yeAh -- prejudices -- I try to forgive -- what i think -- people have done to me -- or as my therapist used to always say: "well kirk -- that was your experience - but it doesnt mean thats what was going on..." Angels in disguise -- just helping you -- right ??? It's true -- this year i almost "exited" this realm after allowing my body to shut down -- or forcing it to -- I was Tired - man -- but then all my friends and family gave me love - and I decided to stay -- here -- in this body -- what a year -- and yeah all the angels I saw in the hospital was totally worth it -- also -- esp my nurses -"Rose" and "pearl" and the over night nurse who called "sweety" all the time and dosed me with Pecodans... what a wild ride -- i hope to remind you that really its all a good time -- even the worst of times - its a beautiufl pain - i guess -- carving and letting go so you can create in a more clear and concise manner -- through the weight of the material world -- heaven on earth ? well -- i hope so -- and yeah heres to you - all the masters doing the work to enlighten the world and show love warmth and support in whatever your obstacles are - I've had alot of breakdowns here -- and a breakdown is simply all the suppressed - feelings and thoughts clearing out -- SEE Kundalini -- but I got through it all -- by remembering that a state of love is the truer reality - and of course, by watching "Pee Wees Big adventrure" Video everyday that i felt like offing myself....hahaa - hey man -- it worked -- I'am still here - I mean the 22 spirits that use my body to work here on the material plane>>// I think are gonnna make sure my body is ok -- and I dont fuck myself up too much -- right ? I believe that in the back of your thoughts you all know the truth of what your doing and creating right ?? and thnkks for being connected to me -- kirk - sean -- ah - rick - kirk tv any thoughts ? let me know just framing the dialouge -- tell me -- what your thinking -- k ok -- all "dis-eased" thoughts are surrounded by love and return to the source to be healed -- in peace - joy and safety-- and wishing you "A miracle of healing -- wherever you need it..." in light k and I think its true - the closer you become to living an authentic life that -- the more your "false" self will "act-out" so if your having a hard time then that means your close to touching your true self -- does that make sense -- let me know -
Currently watching :
Pee-wee's Big Adventure
sunday....
Saturday, December 16, 2006
blog entry for my space
some saturday poems and stuff.... Current mood: horny - but not desperate... Category: horny - but not desperate... Writing and Poetry
>>> it's a warm saturday in december -- I'am in the house here and feeling kinda weepy and sad and good and light...I'am listening to Damien Rice and feelin kinda stoned and wanting to give someone some love and be held...and hold someone with care...and don't know who that that is...and i am torn by my love and hatred for Jona, and all the boys i love and am inpsired by --- and all the poetry that seems to spill out of me at times like today... so i went through my lap-top and found some things I thought I wanted to share... old poems, past crushes and some other things I'll download for you now to share... yeah I just want to sit in my melancholy and roam....maybe through all the feelings and pain and love.... you are... christmas... the cool brezze the touch on the back of my neck... wet puppies escaping the bathtub on saturday... the softer kiss the first snowflake white irises white truffles chocolate ice cream the one to make me cry the one whoose warmth I treasure the pouty boredom that makes me crazy in love with you -- you are... >>>>>>>>>>> sept 05 covered in demons solace no more night of winter heat peeling skin reticence transformed >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> heres another -- an angry one: a fuck u to: all the catholic pedophiles who fucked innocent young boys in the name of jesus in the sacrement room -- and as an apology to all the young beautiful guys who never made it this far -- as far as i did because they werent mean enough -- hard enough - smart enough -- or maybe didnt have enough angels to protect them from the haters of the world -- yeah this is dedicated to all the queens who could'nt hide the fact that they loved a man or couldn't fall into line with the fascist gender personaes : and were beaten to a pulp and no one ever heard about it or cared -- and to mathew sheppard esp who as you know was hung on a chain link fence in a tiny little town ...left to die and suffer while so many self satisfied haters slept like babies comforted by the illusion that their "god" loved them ... yeah tonight iam red hot -- hot on fire in rage -- and it burns me alive -- and forces the blood into my wings -- making me stronger and more brilliant than lightning and louder than some screaming thunder that will ring in your ears always when you think of me -- it was either fall into the abyss forever or fly....like the speed of light -- goin fast--mother fucker -- dont blink or youll miss me across the sky--- my mantra was always: "the more they attack the stronger I become..." in this life -- it has to be... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> american beauty (a rough draft...) be like water... the carousel be like water -- be "at-ease..." its a balmy clear 74 degrees couldnt be a more perfect sunday afternoon in newport beach - california...a place called: "fashion island..." kitchen confessions - b/c everything happens in the kitchen -- i seem - today to have a strange -- in the zone -- too much coffe but not really wired and kinda blissful reality ---and a strange type of gait -- like: Hey man -- I'am in my 40s and I dont really care if Iam "older..." my balls are sagging to my knees and kinda heavy and my dick's swinging around and its kinda big -- and -- I'am kinda, wide eyed, staring at all the beautiful - beautiful boys and girls in their 20s -- oh my god, there so so beautiful and kinda tradgic and i was one of them -- well, i used to be -- i gaze upon them floating by with a glassy eyed stare...in this giant -- way too exspensive, outdoor -- southern Califonia mall... As i wander and pace around the carousel - it becomes well, it becomes really twisted -- yeah, all twisted but i like it - kinda like a strange, yeah, beautiful dream -- but like i said all twisted and painful like shiny glass... i need something to eat - i think of my mom up on the million-billion dollar hill with all the houses and shiny pretty lights and having all the confessions in the kitchen and i feel like iam going to pass out... I start to have an anxiety attack -- actually like everything is getting blurry and i think for a minute -- perhaps i might have a heart-attack and then stop and pray and affirm--- "I'am surround by angels ---" "I'am surrounded by angels..." and just then... I go to a concierge desk and stand there and then an angel appears -- same one as the one in the hospital almost a year ago. i shook b/c he heard me and appeared now behind the concierge desk -- with those, oh my god, light green kinda yellow - light blue eyes and brown hair -- full of that: unconditional love smile -- and i stated to tear up -- and he said -- "Can i help you...?" and smiled that clear perfect smile that only comes from god... i was so happy to see him again...this angel that appears to me - wearing disguises but really -- it's always the same angel... i see a tabacco shop sign but iam not sure where it is -- i wander further througout fashion island -- theres a hired "a chirstmas carol" type of family -- tiny tim -- and its so unbeievable - to see this -- the period type clothes...and three "dickens-esque" characters smiling and having their photo opportunity...in 70 degree weather... passing by me are: blonde, bolndee abercrombie-zombie, way too much plastic surgery, babes -- driving the ultra, ultra high end --BMWs and black raodsters speeding around the parking lot -- their hair is perfect and streaked -- the jewlery is perfect -- the cut of the blouses to show off the rack -- the very, very exspensive set of tits----- that look hot and kinda fake - and still really turn on the average "straight" bro and make them pay a fortune in dinners and cocktails simply to grace them with a pearl necklace -- ah yeah fuck yeah--- and this is really is the only place that women like this dont get a second look because there so many of them and really -- they all look the same - they all flip their hair to the side in the same way.... they -- -- all have: that pouty i'am so fuckin rich and bored -- kinda satisfied smile that says -- ah yeah -- fuck yeah - i got the cash and the tits and I'am still kinda young -- and I live in newport -- maybe did a line of cocaine or two with breakfast --- and now i'am gonna go shopping -- yeah i got the fur coat and i'll trade up on ur ass in a flat newport beach minute -- if you cut my allowance --- or don't give me enough diamonds...or treat me like a queen...for a minute two of them drive by and almost resemble two transsexual hookers on 45th street that i saw years ago --in hellz kitchen -- blonde and blue eyed...and ah, well perfect...and it all makes sense -- and it's all so beautiful... and yeah and I start to cry...and feel the ocean breeze and know that I'am home... I came home for the holidays... this is where I came from... but I'am no where near what I used to be....No -- I'am different now.... I'am still beautiful but in a different way...from the inside out instead of the the other way around.... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> In the silence -- an excerpt... in between the particles lies the silence the particles of our carbon and what we are a swirling maze of god of breath and life in between the particles there is the silence of renewal and regret grief and the ungraced page the silence allows the fragile and tender to escape knowing it's own why bringing renewal perhaps the divine the slience is our savoiur and curse it contains the only story and from the moment we open our eyes we can not bear to touch it >>>>>>>>>ok...well thats it for now -- thnkxx for reading -- warm and hugs and -- more k
Currently watching :
A Christmas Carol (Original B&W Version)
Release date: By 02 Novemb
blog entry for my space
some saturday poems and stuff.... Current mood: horny - but not desperate... Category: horny - but not desperate... Writing and Poetry
>>> it's a warm saturday in december -- I'am in the house here and feeling kinda weepy and sad and good and light...I'am listening to Damien Rice and feelin kinda stoned and wanting to give someone some love and be held...and hold someone with care...and don't know who that that is...and i am torn by my love and hatred for Jona, and all the boys i love and am inpsired by --- and all the poetry that seems to spill out of me at times like today... so i went through my lap-top and found some things I thought I wanted to share... old poems, past crushes and some other things I'll download for you now to share... yeah I just want to sit in my melancholy and roam....maybe through all the feelings and pain and love.... you are... christmas... the cool brezze the touch on the back of my neck... wet puppies escaping the bathtub on saturday... the softer kiss the first snowflake white irises white truffles chocolate ice cream the one to make me cry the one whoose warmth I treasure the pouty boredom that makes me crazy in love with you -- you are... >>>>>>>>>>> sept 05 covered in demons solace no more night of winter heat peeling skin reticence transformed >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> heres another -- an angry one: a fuck u to: all the catholic pedophiles who fucked innocent young boys in the name of jesus in the sacrement room -- and as an apology to all the young beautiful guys who never made it this far -- as far as i did because they werent mean enough -- hard enough - smart enough -- or maybe didnt have enough angels to protect them from the haters of the world -- yeah this is dedicated to all the queens who could'nt hide the fact that they loved a man or couldn't fall into line with the fascist gender personaes : and were beaten to a pulp and no one ever heard about it or cared -- and to mathew sheppard esp who as you know was hung on a chain link fence in a tiny little town ...left to die and suffer while so many self satisfied haters slept like babies comforted by the illusion that their "god" loved them ... yeah tonight iam red hot -- hot on fire in rage -- and it burns me alive -- and forces the blood into my wings -- making me stronger and more brilliant than lightning and louder than some screaming thunder that will ring in your ears always when you think of me -- it was either fall into the abyss forever or fly....like the speed of light -- goin fast--mother fucker -- dont blink or youll miss me across the sky--- my mantra was always: "the more they attack the stronger I become..." in this life -- it has to be... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> american beauty (a rough draft...) be like water... the carousel be like water -- be "at-ease..." its a balmy clear 74 degrees couldnt be a more perfect sunday afternoon in newport beach - california...a place called: "fashion island..." kitchen confessions - b/c everything happens in the kitchen -- i seem - today to have a strange -- in the zone -- too much coffe but not really wired and kinda blissful reality ---and a strange type of gait -- like: Hey man -- I'am in my 40s and I dont really care if Iam "older..." my balls are sagging to my knees and kinda heavy and my dick's swinging around and its kinda big -- and -- I'am kinda, wide eyed, staring at all the beautiful - beautiful boys and girls in their 20s -- oh my god, there so so beautiful and kinda tradgic and i was one of them -- well, i used to be -- i gaze upon them floating by with a glassy eyed stare...in this giant -- way too exspensive, outdoor -- southern Califonia mall... As i wander and pace around the carousel - it becomes well, it becomes really twisted -- yeah, all twisted but i like it - kinda like a strange, yeah, beautiful dream -- but like i said all twisted and painful like shiny glass... i need something to eat - i think of my mom up on the million-billion dollar hill with all the houses and shiny pretty lights and having all the confessions in the kitchen and i feel like iam going to pass out... I start to have an anxiety attack -- actually like everything is getting blurry and i think for a minute -- perhaps i might have a heart-attack and then stop and pray and affirm--- "I'am surround by angels ---" "I'am surrounded by angels..." and just then... I go to a concierge desk and stand there and then an angel appears -- same one as the one in the hospital almost a year ago. i shook b/c he heard me and appeared now behind the concierge desk -- with those, oh my god, light green kinda yellow - light blue eyes and brown hair -- full of that: unconditional love smile -- and i stated to tear up -- and he said -- "Can i help you...?" and smiled that clear perfect smile that only comes from god... i was so happy to see him again...this angel that appears to me - wearing disguises but really -- it's always the same angel... i see a tabacco shop sign but iam not sure where it is -- i wander further througout fashion island -- theres a hired "a chirstmas carol" type of family -- tiny tim -- and its so unbeievable - to see this -- the period type clothes...and three "dickens-esque" characters smiling and having their photo opportunity...in 70 degree weather... passing by me are: blonde, bolndee abercrombie-zombie, way too much plastic surgery, babes -- driving the ultra, ultra high end --BMWs and black raodsters speeding around the parking lot -- their hair is perfect and streaked -- the jewlery is perfect -- the cut of the blouses to show off the rack -- the very, very exspensive set of tits----- that look hot and kinda fake - and still really turn on the average "straight" bro and make them pay a fortune in dinners and cocktails simply to grace them with a pearl necklace -- ah yeah fuck yeah--- and this is really is the only place that women like this dont get a second look because there so many of them and really -- they all look the same - they all flip their hair to the side in the same way.... they -- -- all have: that pouty i'am so fuckin rich and bored -- kinda satisfied smile that says -- ah yeah -- fuck yeah - i got the cash and the tits and I'am still kinda young -- and I live in newport -- maybe did a line of cocaine or two with breakfast --- and now i'am gonna go shopping -- yeah i got the fur coat and i'll trade up on ur ass in a flat newport beach minute -- if you cut my allowance --- or don't give me enough diamonds...or treat me like a queen...for a minute two of them drive by and almost resemble two transsexual hookers on 45th street that i saw years ago --in hellz kitchen -- blonde and blue eyed...and ah, well perfect...and it all makes sense -- and it's all so beautiful... and yeah and I start to cry...and feel the ocean breeze and know that I'am home... I came home for the holidays... this is where I came from... but I'am no where near what I used to be....No -- I'am different now.... I'am still beautiful but in a different way...from the inside out instead of the the other way around.... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> In the silence -- an excerpt... in between the particles lies the silence the particles of our carbon and what we are a swirling maze of god of breath and life in between the particles there is the silence of renewal and regret grief and the ungraced page the silence allows the fragile and tender to escape knowing it's own why bringing renewal perhaps the divine the slience is our savoiur and curse it contains the only story and from the moment we open our eyes we can not bear to touch it >>>>>>>>>ok...well thats it for now -- thnkxx for reading -- warm and hugs and -- more k
Currently watching :
A Christmas Carol (Original B&W Version)
Release date: By 02 Novemb
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