sean's Blue Pajamas - part five

my blue pajamas -- part five --


>>>>

from the time i could remember...
from the first time i opened my eyes - and was born here --
in this "incarnation..."

it was nothing but 1 hundred - million miles, an hour...

hit the ground running --
in this life...
think fast -- look out!
jump fast -- dodge this and duck that --
100 per-cent screaming fear..and panic..
no time to think.. sort it out, figure it out...
or let it be...
it was all fear and a series of shocks and traumas...
the speed of anreniline:
of trying to get away from the truth - and always trying to cover up the truth with...
lies ?
: or some lie that gets and becomes layered...
and coated and painted over and buried...
until, really, you don't even remember what you were trying to cover up --- or what the lie was about or even what the truth behind it all is or was or if it even mattered...

i can only imagine that when you die -- ah -- "trasform" into the next life, that all those lies..those pretty - pretyy bleached blonde-boob - job, hollywood air kiss mutha-fucking lies....the dirty ones and the ugly ones --
just dissolve away in the light of the creator or whatever you chose to call "god..."
like some kind of ecstasy...
an incredible relief...
the faint rememrance of what you were -- before here...

GOD.....

what they told me....(circa 1970s)

>>>>>god --
yes. there was some unknown force that was out to get you -- (man...) and that force was called: god the all mighty : yeah, all mighty god ...and all seeing god, gonna get you, no matter what you do, >>>>>>> god....
yeah:
it was only a matter of time before "he" found you out to be an evil and non worthy soul and spirit that desreved to be destroyed...
but first, humilated and drug through the mud...
or worse..but def -- was gonna get>>>punishment....

yeah
wicked -- voices began in my head....
i'd never escape --
you'd never escape -- and we were all trapped - and hopeless...no way out....in this life: (i was told)
you suffered...for any infraction...anything you did -- that was less than perfect...
religion: as much as it promises to keep everyone in line...what it actually does is makes everyone afraid and scared and angry and well makes everyone react and act out...
out of frustration and pain and fear - fear and fear and more fear...yeah, life, here, i learned was about fear...
and punishment....
fear...
fear that looks like fear and fear that doesn't look like fear...
fear: it looks like addiction and greed, and police brutality and dis-ease and mental illness...but no -- no one here can see its all the same dis-ease...the same panic...
I'am trapped --
your trapped...and yeah death and whithering is immeninet and the only way to escape or make sure you have a good time along the way....
m-o-n-e-y....and yeah as you read this -- someone - somewhere is being killed for it....you can take that -- ah to the bank bro....as they say...
voices in ur head...
voices in my head...
a fragmented calling -- a projection of scarcity -- of god or love or safety....the panic - the sedation, sedating the pain...kill the pain...whamm -- ur gonna be sent to hell no matter what...the fear...the pain: manifesting as something outside me...yeah the entire world seems to stil think the enemy lies outside...
in another country...
in another part of the country, in another neighboorhood...in another person's home, or mind or body: but never theres...it just seems inconcievable that we are the enemy...and the enemy is in our heads...and the pain is ours to hold...
or heal or let go of...
yeah the terrorist lies within... all of us...we are the terrorists, to ourselves and everyone around us...
because we live in fear...and refuse to own it...and so it goes...the psychic riot, over our heads, and broadcast as the main attraction -- on the six o clock news...and in every fashion magazine, and tv commercial...the pressure to fit in and be like everyone else...and look like eveyone else...and be like everyone else...and yeah just fucking live in fear...and pretned -- it isn't really ever there, and that it always belongs to someone else....


the voices...
my voices....
panic...at first, seeming, like far away...and then, from deep inside you -- (always) gaining momentum -
ready to strike...
pulverize..and punish....your tiny (little) body...
god and his angels, the church and the police...
ready to enforce "god's law..."
retribution...
eternal dammnation...
if christ could hear the cries of the "saints" here, he'd break down to tears wondering how: a message that says:
"love thy neighboor..." could get twisted into...
"god hate fags"....or something to that effect...
terror...
can't let it out and afraid to let it in....
your trapped -- here --
with all these fucked up - nuerotic adults who are so far removed from "God" and waht that is...panicked and worshiiping the god of fear -- created and promoted here...and if you don't -- then youll be punished...
and punished good bro --
you have to promise here, to tell the truth, but--
if -----
you ever do, really tell the truth, -- then baiscally -- your dead...
yeah just like chirst...
he died because he told the truth..
god is everywhere -- but if you watch Tv -- they tell you he's nowhere to be found...
except of course in a really exspensive house or car or diamond ring -- or in a great piece of ass, or a big dick...
god - or comfort -- to be had...in the material world...in material things...diefying everything but:
-- what god really is...
this is what you learn...here -- in the material world...
what we all learned and fight against and enforce and are slaves to...

whatever you call it: the beast -- or "the lie.." or the "Grand illusion..."
or the "human condition" whatever "it" is --
thats what you learn....
you learn to destroy -- yourself or get on the road to doing it -- fast or slow...
thats what i saw when i was 12---13-- 17--18-- 25-35-40...
yeah just the world -- dying from fear...
and god is on vacation...so good luck and praise "god" and pass the ammunition....
it's somebodies fault but not mine and not yours..
it's theres...
(point and shoot...)
ready - aim -- fire....

i think i weighed around 120 pounds until high school...
my waist was like a 26 or 27...i was a small framed 5-6 foot tall...wired little man....
afraid to let anything in or anything out...like I said...
afraid to breathe...yeah -
>>>>>>>>>welcome to the pleasure dome.......
(of this reality)...
nothing but fear -- here...
15 years old and full of nothing ------------but fear....

my eyes glazed over and vacant...
someone handed me some "grass" to smoke or some cocaine -- or a six [ack then fuck yeah ---
yep this has to be the answer to all this fear....
ah -- yeah 16 years old and a full blown coke addict -- sniffin my life away while mommy and daddy were drinking G and Ts at the club....
fasten your seat belt...

i became i full fledge cocaine addict age the age...of 16...
yeah --this was ((this lifetime)) was going to be one hell of a ride...

by age 17 i'd allready been sexually assaulted by my two cousins - an uncle, my father's secretary - and my sisters...
and a few of my father's construction company (kinda studly) workers....
my finger had been cut- off -
my head had been split open...>>>to the point of me being unconcious for over an hour...
our house had caught on fire because my dad left something in the oven and passed out...
i was a millionaire's son and didn't even know it...
i had something that everyone seemed to want and still i was a virgin...
pure and untouched in alot of ways...
with no idea -- how to protect myself...
grasp my innocence or keep it from being raped right outta me...but of course, it was....
yeah -- it seemed like everyone wanted what was in my pants...
>>>>>>>>>>

i was hospitalized around 12 for pnuemonia...and almost died...
everytime the nurses left the room --- i pulled the IV right out of my arm...and whatever they were spilling into my viens -- coated the bed and my body -- then i'd pass out -- and they'd find me - half dead...laying there wet from saline solution...
lost in space...mumbling..."I want to go home..."
"home" i was referring to "home" as in back to heaven....
with god...but i don't think anyone ever guessed thats what i was referring to...
the hospital...
eventually they strapped me to the bed...tied my wrists down so i couldn't move...for a week --- strapped with my hands to my sides...until i was better...
yeah -- i sure was better after that...
starring in some weird ass like german bondage medical porn flick like dream...ah - nightmare...
my step mom came in every afternoon and brought -- Batman comic books...and read them to me and turned the pages...
then when the nurses were not looking she untied my arms if i promised not to pull the IV needle out of my arm...
i had....these eyes that said -- "old, old, soul...egyptian prince, royalty, something elite, untouchable..."
olive skin -- clear, knowing hazel-blue eyes - a naturally athletic tone to my body skinny as i was...
my body was perfect in many ways...my mind forozen from all the traumas
and all ready two near death expeirnces --
after awhile...
i was, just-- "not there" anymore...


after awhile i went into complete fantasy...
the colors became alive...in my own world....
another world inside...where I could fly away....
>>>>>>>
you escape in your mind --
become the "batman" or some other dark angel...
become something fantastic and surreal and maybe even divine...or
otherwordly...

but on the outside -- nothing can touch you -- you go to "Sean-land" the Batcave...
go somewhere else -- leaving your body...
kind of just blank and vacant...

"ive got get away..."
"I've got to commit suicide..."
i want to get out of here...

(was all i could think...)
i'd find way to remove myself...as soon as i could getuntied from the hospital bed....

one afternoon the thought occured to me:
"I'am gonna drink this acid and then: i'll be done..."
>>>>>>>>>>>>


i sit on my hellz kitchen fire escape smokig organic cigarettes...
i ponder all that has occurred...
Ive been through every transformation possible - even that of death - many times over...
i'd still give my last dime for a smoke...or my last two bucks for a few minutes at the porno-video booths in times square for a free blow job...taking a cock or a load...and then winking to the "dollar changer" dude on the way out...a hot, fresh load, ooozing out of my ass....
and a big grin on my face....
I'd still rather sit on the street with the losers or loners than bask in the light of a vip lounge with the liars...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
i believe:

the pahtway to heaven is lined with the fires of hell...
and the crucible of transformation...
the pain of love and the alienation of "the other..."
you have to know and learn the power and gentleness of light
and love...
withstand the chilling cold of truth revealed...
the darkness of wanting...
and the wholeness of spirit...
the value of the soul and the body---
and the gold that resides in the heart...

am i angel that fell into the hellish pit of the material world???
-- forever dammed to have the remembrance of heaven - and light?
or am i a demon?
crawling steadily from the pit of darkness into a light eternally burning me - soothing me and guiding me ?
i can not say --
it is my wish that something Ive done here has healed someone - somehwere...that is all...

psychics and fortune tellers tell me that I'am a
"god on earth"
a truly incarnated "divine being..."
a teacher...
a master in disguise...
laying in the gutters of poetry...
and languishing in the trenches of poverty...
>>>
my girl friends in college often told me that i was the: "devil.." or
"totally evil.." or
"wicked and cruel..."
and my personal fav...
"a latent homo-sexual..."

my fiance' screamed at me in a mykonos hotel suite...
"your the most disgusting person i've ever, met, and i never want to see you again..."
(that was after she found out that i got fucked on the beach by some hollywood soap opera star -- thenight we got ingaged to be married....

the men i have had sex or affairs with have asked me:
"are you half (puerto) rican ?" i was blessed with a dong like that of a "Beercan."
guyz tell me or have said :
"you have the dick of a porn star..."
and "jesus god -- that ass...tastes so good..."
or
"i wanna fuck you again...it feels so good in there..."
i always jus say: "Ok..."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

my family just thinks I'am strange and lost...
and my friends truly love me....fear me, adore me -- respect me and accept me...
all things considered I'am glad ( I think ) that i made the trip here...(and incarnated)

I know that there happens to be a good many angels watching over me and protecting me...
night and day...
they sit on my bed and watch me sleep --
they cry when i'am sad
and they
rejoice when i'am happy...
they healed me when i was almost dead and dying...
they told me secrets and gave me love...
and reminded me of who I'am...
my last boyfriend called me:
"The masterpiece of angels."


i think I'am a very rich man indeed to know all the angels and angel-humans and kinda somewhat demons and lost souls and shinning masters who have crossed my path...
all the people that hurt me - healed me or held me....
but
right now my bed is empty....
i'am alone but not lonely...
some think me god - some say beast - others say demon and some differ to angel...
most of the time I simply -- actually, just forget that I'an here...like i told you...
a projection of something physical...
ah i dunno -
you tell me --
ive given you my best -- perhaps made you hard with arousal -- or told you the gold of my heart, showered something light into your soul...or brought some poetry to your life...
it's your turn now to whisper your secrets to me...
tell me everything...

i'am hard now -- i love you
fuck me, fuck me hard baby...
and kiss...
face to face...
ill be your "sin-eater" demon-angel-porn-star-cock-star...bottom boy and top stud...giving you some cream and spiining a dream into your head and i want you to knever forget me -- and always want me....
where ever I'am my load in your ass and yours in mine makes us blood brothers...for life and beyond....
yeah
enter my own little world...the pornographic-light-dark sexual, butt-fucking, batman and robin...just like NEO...
lost and found...demon fucker-brother-cock-sucker, back-room...on my knees - push my head down onto it harder and further--->>
spit on me and fuck me -- dreamland--- of no sleep...
and broken dreams...of trances and hallucinations
and everything forbidden and unwanted...and blue and red....sliding down the rabbitt hole and forever, yeah forever, into eternity -- forever, bonded by our oath and blood and pain....and notingness
and find
and gain...
everything....
leave your fear behind....
you and me -- naked.....
into eternity...
the gold of your soul awaits...
my body is dying but iam immortal...
my body is rusted out....broken and full of pain...
but my mind is alive....
slip into the darkness with me...
burn in the unending light....
take my hand...
lets fly away....
i love you

forever...
sean