Sean's Blue Pajamas - part two

Sean's blue pajamas - part two

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
time.
watches and clocks and timepieces...

time doesn't seem to be on my side here...
i dunno -- i'am in my 40's -- i've lived in nyc almost 25 years...and still haven't figured out a way to make a living from my writing...
I still haven't found the lover of my "dreams..." or lived in the imaginary loft--space that i long for..((complete with fireplace and zen garden...)

i have had some awesome mind-blowing sex - been on some incredible road trips...fell in love and was loved -- had some mind-bending and life - altering "near-death" experiences...
ive had ....ah -- a few std's -- alot of pain and even some joy so --- what the hell...it's just been a wild ride anyway you look at it...

the passage of time...

time -- it's a strange thing to always feel the same "inside" and yet, have to watch your body, your "outsides" change and walk through time and begin to age...

time - dreams -- sleeping - being awake..being here and not being here : being present...growing old...
the clicking away of time seems a comfort to me...

passing the time -
i really like listening to music -- and looking at all my clocks...and watches and smoking cigs and drinking coffee. i love watching the "weather channel..." when i wake up and wondering if everything really is just a long beautiful - fucked up hallucination called a dream...

knowing some day i'll return to my "home" on the other side...with some great memories of - "this place..."
and yeah -- i also wonder if the world is going to end -- with a bang or a whimper but yes, i wonder if the end is near...like everyone else alive today...
indeed -- i wonder if were not too immature to resist the need to self destruct...ourselves or the world...
yeah - the entire planet....

time...
passing...as my body gets older...
clocks and watches are: (to me) a reassurance that soon enough i'll be able to fly again and wander the heavens without the restrictions of the flesh...as an unlimited spirit...perhaps gazing down on humanity or missing being "in a body.." and having sex and eating ice cream...and drinking coffee...
and so it goes...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

perhaps i really did incarnate here just to smoke cigs and drink coffee, which i have joked to friends...
"yeah my prupose here is to smoke cigs -- hehee
i came into this lifetime just to smoke cigarettes and sample coffee..."
Coffee...

for some reason - this morning -- while looking for my pajama bottoms - i thought of my cousin jake...
I sat down on the bed for a minute --
i put my hands to my forhead...
and mumbled aloud...
"fuck - fuck - fuck - fuck - fuck - fuck ---- FUCK....!
yeah --- i fucking woke up "here" again..."
then i thought of jake and the dream again...


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
a nod to "Quantum Mechanics..." here or "Meta-physics"
which i have studied extensively -- here's a primer on "reality" \\" for dummies..."

the more spiritual savvy one is the more all your past lives run together - and the less "linear" time is ---
and likewise if time is not really "linear" but occurs across a spectrum - of past present and future - then all your lifetimes (and mine) are occuring similtaneously...
something akin to hitting the "change channel" on your remote control and just watching the flashing channels...and then finding the one channel to view... ((which is...)>>>"your "lifetime" here">>>

and then leaving that channel on for awhile...
ah sort of...it's something like that -- does that makes sense??
i dunno - anyway...better said another way...
"life is along series of dreams wrapped inside a few hallucinations...sprinkled by a vision that began in a day dream...somehwere in the mind of god...
or "we have one soul - that has many different bodies..."

my body sits on the edge of the bed...
i think of my cousin: jake...

it all kinda blurs together...a few minutes ago i was naked, looking for my pj's -- then i was out the door on the street and then i was at the counter of the corner bodega --
saying "hey" to the guy who always works the afternoon shift...the afternoon guy always, just throws the blue pack of "american spirits" brand on the counter when he sees me and then says
"good morning" - with a big smile -- and asks me;
"you want coffee this morning...?" even though its early afternoon...
i guess it's always obvious that i just woke up...
>>>>>>>>>>>>
just woke up....

sometimes hours pass and i don't know what i did or where i went...
becuase i have a hard time maintaining a totally "linear" reality...

i dont really think its wise for me to put alcohol or drugs into my body -- regarding my specific mental emotional psychic make up -- which is kind of a strange beautiful? potpurri of )(odd genius? -- or so my friends tell me )of
other-worldly connections -- a propensity to languish dazed and comfortable in the blues of depression: melancholy seeping out of me affecting every one around me -- coupled with a kinda non-stop low grade rage and a sardonnic hysterical - like smile, -- ah -- grin --
and a powerful gaze that most can't hold...
like, basically i'am always saying...
"go ahead make my fuckin - fucked up day....I dare ya..."
i know this about myself --
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

i remember -- >> my cousin jake...
i dreamt of him coming into my bedroom last night
and he was standing over me --
i awoke in the dream and said..."Jake??"
and then he said...
"hey - kirk ---i wanted to tell that you i'am sorry..."
looking down on me as he stood over the bed...

"i'am sorry for all the things i did to you and that i'am part of the reason why you hated it here for so long...
I truly am sorry that you wanted to end your life here and that i guess i was part of that...
i came here because i want to hold you...let me sit down next to you...i want to heal you..."
and then in the dream sequence he slipped into bed with me and held me and whispered:
"it's ok...it's going to be ok...i'am so, so sorry for all the things i did to you...
I truly am, i'am sorry..."
then i woke up...
then he vanished and the dream was over...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

i had my first flirting with "self destruction"
or wanting to commit suicide, i guess, at around 15 - maybe 16...
at first writing a kind of a "suicide/poetry" note, entitled:
"Suicide - The Ultimate ride..." around 1976 or so...


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


>>>>>>1976 -- orange county california --
land of republicans and "homo-haters" the western hub of "all-americans" sports stars...prom queens and beauty queens...

back in 1976...
you were just terribly alone with all your questions and panic...and the pain of knowing...that you might be >>>gay.

isolated and alone...and terrfied of being "different" and what that would mean to you or your parents... and the residual stress of hiding the fact that:
instead of wanting to "high five" your other team mates on the wrestling league what you really wanted to do was get fucked by them...
back then i was 17 without a soul to talk to...and all that isolation...
fear...
a fear that became it's own energy - aprt from me...asking for my destruction...
the fear and pain created an ache in me that i don't think will ever go away or be cured and
now today -- maybe i don't want it to...

it always seems to be there -- burned into me as a tatto onto the skin of my psyche...
forver in my dna -- and my blood --
when i see a handsome guy on the street or in a restaurant --
the kind of panic and awe and excitement that sweeps through your heart when you look at some really handsome dude and go --
"fuck - that guy is so beautiful..."
i wanna touch him... kiss him, hold his hand-- i want to get fucked by him...alone...somewhere far away...from here...
you panic...as if the entrie world can see...the ache of your heart...the racing terror of a closeted 15 year old with no one to tell...yeah -- in the 70s....
have a nice day...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

today -
last night i had this dream of my cousin...
and for the rest of the afternoon...after i woke up:
i sat there in my kitchen, in my blue pajamas, drinking coffee and thinking about it all...

1976 >>>>
stress relief and wanting out...and self destruction...:

>>>after procurring my first dose of cocaine from one of father's construction workers in his mid 30's --- "jason" who was kind of a rod Stewart look a like -- and yeah i would have gladly sucked him off: and gratefully serviced that guy had he whipped it out --- while we were sampling his ah "product..." in a darkened suburban living room...sitting on the couch together...geting high...
in the afternoons -- but it never happened...
i would have paind god or the devil -- to have jason just grab his cock and get it hard and full in front of me and say something like -"hey man -- wanna be a bro and service my piece???"
but it never happened.

jason was basically straight and had a girlfriend --- "morgan..." whom he got pregnant and she got an abortion...but there was always something in his eyes that kinda hinted: "yeah ill let you suck it man...maybe -- someday...on the right day...i promise..."

i remember the day morgan got an abortion --
when
she got it --
i was - i think 16 at the time...
we all were at the lakehouse in Arizona...
hanging out and water-skiing, and taking the boats out - it was in july -- hot as hell, in the middle of the desert...but on a beautiful private lake...
morgan was just laying there looking "half-green" like she didn't feel so good...
so i asked jason what was "up" with her and then he brought me to the back of the house...in the garage, where the moto-cross bikes and all the sports equipment was stored...
he pulls out a small brown glass vile of white powder...
he looks at me...and says:
"you want some of this --?"
as he grabs-dabs a tiny spoon into the vile and whiffs it up both of his nostrils...wham-bamm - likidy-split-mother-fucker-bboom it was gone...
he cupped his nose closed and threw his head back...
"ahhhh"

i knew exaclty what it was... and what he was doing and yeah -- fuck yeah -- i wanted to try it...

i wanted to try it around him - with him -- closeted as i was -- latent buried - homo-sexual energies exploding in my loins and ass: the both of us shirtless and baked warm from laying in the sun and swimming in the lake...all day...
and then --
cocaine...
a way out...

my heart raced -- i kinda blanked out for a moment --
and tried to breath --
"ah yeah,-- fuck yeah i'am ready...i want it..." i breathed the words...whsipered...them to jason...and looked up into his bloddshot perfect blue eyes...
my stomache a-buzz and my dick-head kind of oozing pre-cum because i was so aroused from watching jason's body dry in the sun -- from the desert heat...from wondering what he looked like with his swim trunks on...
jason -- blonde and blue all over -- the perfect surfer type hot hottie that everyone wanted....the flash of white teeth - the perfect california smile...the muscled pshsyique...he was a dream...
he looked me in the eyes...deep...and said...

"if your dad finds out about this i'am screwed ok? so don't go getting all, out of hand -- I'll give you a good hit --- but ya gotta be cool...ok?"

"ok. uh -- i won't...i'am ready - i'am good -- ok...i want it -- lets go...go ahead>>> ok. hit me.."
i was scared and yeah fuked up nervous...
i told him yeah -- "lets go..."

he sticks a tiny spoon under my nose...
gives me a good, lil - >>>kinda big - hit of some "nose candy" and then tells me that morgan was just at an abortion clinic...
the powder hit me...stronger than i thought it could be:
whamm whamm - bamm, boom it disapeared up my nose -- it was gone.
i was in love...
feeling good for the first time since i could remember and all those "voices" in my head and all those yearnings to explore and all those dreams of sucking off another guy in the back seat of my "ranchero" pick up truck.
all those feelings for other guys and all those images of their bodies and asses and cocks in the high school gym or in the showers:
remembering what their dicks looked like tucked into their jockstraps -- or the thoughts of me sniffing their armpits>>>>>>>>of kissing them --- and them snapping towels in the showers and day dreaming of them kissing me -- yep with that one hit of cocaine, all of that >>>>pain and panic >>>was gone...

a few months later i was basically spending around three hundred dollars a month on "blow..."
(cocaine was 100.00 a gram at that time...) so that amount supported three nights of "fun..."during a months period...
(fairly moderate use at that time...)
>>>>>>>>>>>


now. 2006
I'am sitting in my kitchen remembering..."
what it was like back then...

in the past>>>
as i get to the point where iam about to feel all that despair and pain -- and fear and terror and rage --
all the feelings i had in the 70s -- growing up...
i either vomit or blo a load or explode in a rage...

i always get up to the vanishing point of aknowledging the sum total of what i've lived through and i always - usually expell something from my body before my lower chakras open to expose - what i'am about to tell you next...

before it can all come out...
i either find some dude to blo a load up my ass - or find some hole to blo my own in...

i get into a "relationship" that almost always destroys me or i find a way to fuck myself somehow:
either, emotionally or phsyically...
I just find a way to -- ah -- injure my self or throw off most of my energy- like just enough to keep me in a "survival mode..."
because then - then i wont have to remember that time -- back then -- at 16, when i wanted to end my life bad enough to actually act on it
all those feelings of "self-hatred" and being totally, simply: fucking "lost..."
lost and never really found...
some core part of me -- always -- lost in time -- lost back there....

>>> not ever really, fully breathing....
completly out of my body...as i told you -- years of hatred pushed on you by hate - filled hetros -- who kinda suspected you were "a queer" or "a fag"
"hey man -- god hates fags..."

yeah in 2006 -
my immune system nearly non-existant and being re-built by chemicals -- made in a labroatory -- having all ready "died" or been near-death, three times...and having been sent back from the "other-side..." with the psychic message:
"no. it's not your time...go back..."

today:
it doesn't seem to matter that i was born different...sometimes when your self esteem hits rock bottom --->>>>>>you think to yourself...
it doesn't matter to seem that i was born at all...
and then you watch: "It's a wonderful life again..."
and start crying and alot of pain goes away...


today --
all that pain...
until now: it was never allowed to surface to a concoius - sum total idea of thought and feeling --- the pain --
couldn't really surface until now --->>> and now it was manifesting...as "dis-ease..."
devastating my entire system...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

when the doctor came into my hospital room and said:
"I'am sorry to have tell you -
you've got>>>>>
full blown -- "aids..."
it didn't surprise me--
the doctor came in and said that my liver enzymes were elevated to the point of failure...
the liver in a symbolic sense caries the anger and rage of the person -- their: bile...
my kidneys were "in trouble..." also:
I actually "passed" a kidney stone walking to the hospital emergency room...all of the nurses and interns came into to see: "the guy that passed the kidney stone walking up eighth avenue..." they were kind of in awe of me..actually...
I was just glad it over -- but no - actually it was just beginning...
90 percent of my body was covered in a strange rash...
I was dehydrated and had lost over 40 pounds...
i collapsed in the emergency room but all the while never guessed that i was indeed - hiv positive, let alone figured that it had progressed to the point of devastating my immune system and yeah - becoming - full blown aids...
i really - truly...
had no clue what was happening to me ---

i lay there waiting - to die or be healed and thinking about my life and everything that happened...
before i got the news...
now in retrospect the ghosts - the phantoms of pain and everything that happened in the 60s and 70s and 80s to me just didn't matter anymore --
those feelings and fear and rage spewed out of me for around three months --
from november until january...
i was bed ridden for Thanksgiving and christmas and new years...laying there alone - thinking...about my life...and wanting out of it...

when my immune system began to fail -- late last february... - it really wasn't a surprise at all...
no.

the immune system represents your ability to protect yourself, as the body's defense system... after what?
30 or so years on "high alert" just waiting for some invisible bat to crack your head wide open..
at anytime or anywhere --
suddenly i got a rash -- the doctor said that it was from "Stress..."
i began to get sick -- it was in my consciousness i guess to end up like this right ?

this is what the world does to gay people -- drills it's hatred into you until you finally buckle --- commit suicide to get the fuck out --
yeah --
stressful...
hiding and trying to keep all that energy inside of you - the most primitive feelings a person can have -- to love and to want to be loved --
some straight people would have you think that all gay people chose to be the way they are...and if you think about it for just two minutes...
no one would choose to become societies scapegoat...

the average straight person today has enough stress simply trying to make ends meet - hold it together and find some love for themselves...right?
and still there maxed...having to take prozac and happy pills...drinking and fucking and getting divorced - all the while holding themselves up to be some paragon of virtue...
i look at their lives and think --
"fuck -- theyve got it so easy...
they got the support of their families and society and they still buckle under the pressure..."
too much stress - for everyone...

you wake up one day in your 13 year old body and realize:
these feelings are never going to change...
you admit to yourself...
"your gay...-- and theres nothing you can do about it..."

there you are - with your life circumstances...and you would give anything to change them -- anything...
but of course, you can't...

how many times did i pray to god...to please- "change me..."
or heard from shrinks --
"you can change if you want to..."

well...guess what ?
fuck them -- and fuck them all...

swilling alcohol and valium and probably shoving dildoes up their own asses every night while no ones looking -- yeah man -- fuck them all...
and fuck the homo-phobic world...

well, thats the way it was back then , when i was growing up...
"you know your gonna die of >>>AIDS..."
straight people said it to me all the time...and to gay guys in general in the 80s...
they just kept drilling into you that it was inevitable that you were gonna die a horrible death -- and that you deserved it -- all in the name of jesus...amen...

it's still like that in the deep south and parts of the mid-west...
my heart really goes out to all the gay guys whose everyday life is a psychic battleground of fear and violence projected onto them by "christian right wing" sickos -- who think that god is a "straight" white man with a beard sitting on a throne in the heavens trying to make sure all fags have a terrible ending to their lives...
or make sure that they never have any love...
when they themselves haven't a clue as to what it is....
yeah - like i said - fuck them...

"you've got full blown aids..."
(time to start your happy day...)
"full blown aids..."
>>>>>>>>>>how many times through the years that i practiced safe sex...had lovers and we were almost afraid to touch each other...
how many times did i think to myself:
"i just cant take this anymore"
...wondering - worrying - waiting to be struck sick...
just for being queer - "
"A Queer."

watching young guys my age simply whither and die and watch the reagan white-house throw all these star studded parties at the white-house and never once was there was a mention that there was a virus that was lethal...in all the urban centers of the country...
no. nobody cared cuz it was fags that were dying...

from the president on down -- no - nobody would speak of it...and it just continued to bury every one you loved, in silence...unchecked and ravaging...
and all those white house parties and talk of who - was wearing what in those "bonsai-bonanza" - leveraged buy-out 80s...and all that media coverage...of "Nancy's" "little red dresses..." in all that time...no one came forward....
no.
no one said anything...>>>
fags were dropping...no one cared...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


2006...a frosty hospital pane of glass overlooked the grey skyscape...there i was >>>
full of percodan and morphine and confusion...
a doctor entered my room, bedside..."
and uttered those words...
"full blown aids..."
my body relaxed for the first time in years...
and i just let go...
it was a relief...actually...
to know that i was dying...
and going to leave a world that didn't really want me....
i finally relaxed and gave up...

i couldn't fight all those voices anymore...

i couldn't hold off the pain and rage and fear and grief...

my friend kiel - who died at age 26 - visited me in my dreams for many months after he passed...and many, many more...some i cant even remember...
i fell into the abyss of grief and tried to ignore it -- but it was always obvious...always snagged me bedside when i would awake in a night-sweat of fear or panic...
and then id just push it down and try to go forward...
and i did that for almost two decades....

but then -->>>>>>>>>>>>
i got sick...
I got real, real -- sick...

the doctors didn't really know what to say except...
"most of your bodies major systems are failing right now -- they are shutting down..."
the unspoken message: >>>>>>"kirk - you're dying..."

and secretly through the percodan and morphine haze -
i just thought>>>
"thank god iam just, gonna get to leave this awful place and finally just -- get, to go --->>>>"home..."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

forever ago:

i grew up in a time when there were no laws to protect you if you were accused by being a fag...in fact - it was used as an excuse for murder, many times...and the fag bashers always got away with it...
got away with murder...
and likewise...
i wont bore you with the fact that all gay people - back then, were also labeled "mentally ill..." and alot of them were locked up into psyche wards...
because they couldn't hide who or - what they were born as...

1976 -
my high school - sunny - "happy" california...
yep back then anyone could be suspected of being a fag...
and you always had to defend the fact that you weren't -
"a fucking fag..." who
"just wants to suck dick..."

the sunny california 70s of my youth...
california -- 1976 -- seemed like a long - long way away --->>> as i lay in a midtown west hospital bed -- just being diagnosed with a terminal illness - and taking two "percodans" for pain...handed to you on a tray from the floor nurse...
"full blown aids..."
have a nice day.....


I weighed a total of 110 pounds -- forty pounds less than what my normal weight should be - i looked like "ET" the extraterrestrial...and actually i felt like that also...

my mind going back wards trying to trace the threads of my life as i watched the slow - slow drip of the potassium-saline solution drip into the IV and then into the needle in my arm...
doctors and nurses came and went -- telling me things -- asking me questions...i don't remember much of that time...just a haze...a bluish white haze coming out of my body or my aura...

my worst nightmare (finally) manifesting...right before me as a horrible death for all to see...
evidence that the "christians" were right....
somewhere i had the vague thought..
"how did i get here...?"
my body was a knot of pain and rage...
bewilderment...and light...
and although the "Christians" would have left me in the street for dead and praised jesus for it...god had other plans...
indeed...
an uncountable number of angels appeared...to heal me, bring me back...tell me how much they loved me...help in so many ways...my nurses seemed like apparitions of love..through the haze...the "portals" opening up over my bed as they were...angels whispering --
"kirk -- do you really wanna go (home) now?...
if you really want go well take you there...and if somewhere you want to stay then well make it ok...." and then they would vanish...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

today -- my consolation seems to be that maybe, somebody - somewhere - some day will hear my story -- the story which I'am telling you now-- and then maybe change their closed minds about how all gay people choose to be
"the way they are..."

i love the line -- "you choose that lifestyle..." thats a "killer" -- really - thats the best one yet...
to state the obvious -- the hiv virus is contracted from a specific series of behaviors...it has nothing to do with how you live your life...

i would have given my soul to have been straight and married in the suburbs with two kids a hummer off road vehicle sucking gas and sending our troops to war for more oil...yeah --- a week end boat in the garage...and the Rv parked on the side yard....
but no --
ah yeah - like I said...god had other plans...
there was no getting around it -- bro -- i buckled under the pressure after 30 years...and
yep - i liked it - "up the ass..." and when i finally started doing it -- "bare-backing" without condoms -- it was a revelation -- and i didn't plan on stopping...
I wanted out....i had been convicted and punished and sentenced..the only thing left to do, of course -->>>was commit the crime....

i had monogamous relationships for many years..then single and sitting home watching late night cable...
the playboy channel - watch the glorification of heterosexuality...in film and literature -- not the glorification of hetero - marriage but hetero - "out of wed lock" sex...
i was like, you know what - ?
fuck them -- they can act out -- right ?
they can swing their dicks all over the place -- and try to get some "trim.." "pussy.." "ass..." but when a gay guy decides to flex his sexual appetites...
yeah then god's punishment is close at hand..
yeah...

yes -- it is true that after 15 years of having totally safe and protected sex - in monogamous - committed relationships -- up until around the year 2000 when my-
on again - off again lover of 7 years and i parted of the ways and "divorced.."
in the year 2000...
when in my father passed away - my birth mother returned from a 26 year disappearance... and my step mother told me that shed never ever accept me for "being gay..." and just for the record -- yeah disinherited me for - yep, being a fag...
and my best friend died from complications of a lethal mix of anorexia - meth addiction - diet pills and fear**

(**homo-phobia and anti-Semitism vented on him his whole life...he wasn't nearly as strong as me and twice as psychically sensitive...i always, kinda knew he wouldn't make it, and loved him twice as much while he was here and miss him deeply - Drew was jewish and also my best friend and one of the few people that ever "got me..." and my humor..
I started to crack....and then my first lover, danny, died from aids -- after a 15 battle with a depressed immune system -- mixed in with the 911 terrorist attack, and the fall out -- red alert...
that my body began to age and show the signs of wear and tear: that the real "fun" began...
guess what ?
I was turning 40...
my youth was fading:
but all of this occurring still wasn't enough to break me down....just completely neurotic in a genius sort of way, mind you but not totally - completely just have your entire body and psyche and mind absolutely -- just shut off and say -- "ok man-- no more...I'am tired and I've had it...I cant take anymore..."
no --
it was all of the above - that transpired in the course of about 18 months -- coupled with a few of my less than ethical coworkers who tend bar with me trying to basically, get me fired, simply because they wanted my lucrative bar shifts...

yeah that and the fact that the building owner where i live decided to renovate the vacant apartment next to me -- --
two months of jackhammering, hammering and work men coming and going all afternoon which is, as i told you, my prime REM sleep time -- i was sleep deprived...starved for rest...

i wasn't in therapy at the time but i was looking for a therapist to discuss my "grief" with --
i was totally depraved of sleep from the next door-apartment daily construction...
and then yeah -- i decided that i would meditate...in order to regain my center -- find my inner strength -- and then the floodgates of my fear -- i guess opened...
heres the corker that threw me over the edge....
cockroaches....
thats right every cockroach from the all the apartments on my floor -- began to be dislodged from the hammering and putting up of new dry wall,
and then my apartment - my sanctuary, began to be filled with pestilence, mice and cockroaches and ah -- more cockroaches....they were everywhere....

i sat there meditating -- nervous and working on about three hours of sleep each night...
like i said: cockroaches were everywhere...
in my bed...
in my coffee cups...
in the refrigerator..crawling across me at night...
yeah finally -- i guess i think no, then i was >>>just totally maxed....
ah -- yeah i just -- finally "fuckin snapped..."
to say the least...

i really just wasn't there any more....

>>>i began going to after hours sex clubs ---
having - unprotected - "bare-back" sex at first as kind of a thrill -- to say "fuck the world"
and everything else here and then i guess - if the real truth be told...maybe mainly because all my friends - were "gone" or had fallen away after becoming hiv positive...
and my support to remain hiv negative was basically gone...
yeah i bare-backed in order to infect myself and hopefully die and leave this fucked up world...
in peace...

it would be a nice big gay "goodbye"
ah --->>>>yeah -- bye....

"God hates fags..." right?
have a nice day.....


it's all-right if - in the name of jesus, our country can send scores of young men to war in the middle east to defend the country ? and die...
or secure the mother-load of oil for a few wealthy fat-cats in washington -- in the name of god and god bless america -- and if they all die then thats honor and duty to country -- then the "thall shall not kill..." commandment doesn't really apply in this case but hell yeah it sure does when two men wanna suck it each other's dicks in the privacy of their own homes or even, god forbid, create a scared union of monogamy and trust together -- then no -- god's punishing hand will be right there...
in the name of the bible...it's against "man's law..."

homo-sexuality...
yeah -- even if you were born that way...
ah -- you dont deserve the same rights as everyone else...
no...
youll always be a freak and an outsider...
god will never love you and youll never have any love...

and all this swirled around my body and mind and yes i admit it -- finally after 40 years of trying to roll with it all --
i just let go...
i broke down...
i had unsafe sex -
i acted out my death wish...
i bare-backed without condoms...yep i just wanted to die...
to fuck and die....
and get the hell out...

just like all the others who didn't make it as far as i had...
yeah i infected myself --
i wanted the fuck out...
and was willing to simply let my body die out to escape my circumstances here ---
but like i said...
that was not god's plan --
because i'am still here and fuck-shit no --
i guess --
it just wasn't "my time..." to go...

time...something to be endured or mastered...
time...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
this too shall pass....

the timepieces in my kitchen -- tick away....
tick tick tick -- and really life speeds by like a few minutes...doesn't it ?
for good or for bad...it just seems to vanish...
>>>>>>>>>


i lay there in the hospital watching all the memories: "my life" float out of me...
my heart chakra spinning from trying to heal it all:
but i couldn't do it...

i tried to do it....
i wanted to take away the worlds pain...and on certain days that was all it could offer me...grief and pain and the lies that said: because your gay -- youll die a horrible death -- with no dignity...shamed and forgotten...
i wanted to help people...
but did i ?
that was one of many questions i asked -- laying thee waiting to die for ten days...no food in my body, indeed nothing in my body but medications..
no.
nothing in my body: not even me...
?//////////////

i lay there waiting...filled with medications and questions and then as the morphine kicked in simply passing out and dreaming of my life...another life -- a dream of my adolescence...around the time that i wanted to commit suicide...
and of course, of my cousin: Jake....

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


1976...
a lazy - hot july afternoon...
i was detoxoing from cocaine and last nights alcohol binge on the high school campus football field late at night -- a six pack of beer - and drinking with the captain of the wrestling team...
we were smashed...

it started with a look in his eyes...
then he started laughing...
and standing above me...
as i lay on the grass laughing also...
and sat on my stomache, and pinned my wrists down - to the grass, then he looked into my eyes...
and then - oh my god...
he kissed me...and he kissed me harder and he didn't stop...
and i kissed him back >>>
he took my hand to his crotch...his dick was hard and then suddenly fast and quick -- mine got hard beneath him...I
tore off my shirt and undid my pants and then i undid his...
and then....yep....i fucked him
on the grass...under the stars, in front of god --- in front of jesus...
the all - star captain of the wrestling team...the prom king....in my arms, getting my dick up his...and jerking off and kissing me all the way...
then before we knew it...
we both passed out (together in each others arms...)
i might add...
his varsity jacket draped over both of us as a kind of blanket...
cheek to cheek...
amen.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
to be continued.....

the next morning we were awakened by the summer session's girls soccer team coming onto the field to practice...
my pants down around my ankles...blake was laying next to me....
empty "miller" bottles scattered around laying on the grass...
the sun glaring down --
all of a sudden waking up and looking up at the coach...and then seeing blake...his fine furry butt and beautiful cock -- a morning hard-on...
hard in the afternoon day sun --
looking into his eyes and then realizing that we were not alone...
that his johnson was standing straight up in all it's glory kinda flapping in the air, and that dumb - sexy smile on his mug that made everyone fall in love with him, his lazy bedroom eyes, gazing into mine - as he began to grin, thinking for a second that we were still alone...
and about to grin, >>>>>but.........

then realizing where we were and remembering the night before -- he reached over to kiss me....and pull his varsity jacket tighter around us...all in the same motion, his mouth about to grace mine...his lips just grazing mine, and then his head turned....to look upward....
and then whamm -- absolute panic....
"oh my god!!!!!"
we both looked up...the female soccor coach surverying Blakes hard bone and my butt, as I was laying on my stomache, without my pants on, standing right over us....
my pants were about six feet away on the grass, as well as my boxers and one of my boots, the other one was still on...
"Holy shit!!!!" Mrs Cavanuagh!! whats she doing here??"
blake belted out to me....
then he just yelled...."Fuck! shit-- I'am ---- outta here..."
pulled his pants on and ran home.....

>>>>>>>>>>>>
the both of us -- hung-over to shit and both knowing that now, the entire school would know what happened....
blake moved fast and quick--- pulled on his pants - left his t-shirt laying there beside me and ran....away-----
fast>>>>
just ran away...his body a small dot on the horizon before i knew it....and then disappeared....

"Mrs. Cavanugh...I ah, it was ah -- we -- were ah---"
i kinda fumbled for an explanation and my pants at the time time, i grabbed blake's T-shirt and held it in fronot of my crotch and kinda hunched over, looking into her eyes and knowing there was nothing to explain or say....but then blurted out....
"Its ah -- it's not -- it's not,>>>>>
how it looks....I swear -- really..."
I held blake's t-shirt tight -- covering my dick and tryong to bend over to grab my boxers and pants...and also trying to cover my butt - ah butthole -- while doing it....
then i slipped on my boxers and bolted....and just fucking ran -- outta sight....into the parking lot and got into my pick up truck and drove away....
holy shit -- i just had my honeymoon - kinda -- or something and now i was gonna get a divorce... I knew i'd never really, ever talk to blake again....
we both knew that we were toast...totally found out...that we were butt-fucking fags....
our lives would never be the same...
and they weren't...
blake was a senior and --
the kind of pain that cant be healed you just have to ask god to do it or take it from you --

1976
- working for my father's construction company...
i was late for work...and got an ass chewing for it...i was tired -- i climbed a ladder that led to the top of my father's office but was covered...into a tight four foot high storage space filled with old trunks and files and work equipment...

i was in the crawl space laying there and then as if time had passed without realizing it -- the voice was in my head, and a bottle of acid was at my mouth -- ready to pass over my lips and end my time here...

thank god --- >>>
I closed my eyes...
ready - aim - fire --
a few wafts of the yellowish green liquid tickled my nose and then hit my throat hard --
i choked on the fumes...but i was ready to go...
then i heard my father's secretary call my name...
"kirk..."
and i dropped the bottle between my legs:
it layed on its side -- dripping out slowly and making a chugging sound...
"kirk" were going to lunch...do you want something- from the deli ? a sandwich or something ??"
I paused my legs were being fried -- i was awash in toxic fumes...i panicked -- my heart was speding - adreniline shot through my viens like some emtional meteror -- some of the acid -- had hit my pants - bleaching them white, instantly...
i don't kno what i said -- to the scretary or how i responded...i saw a pile of rags nearby and threw them on the acid to stop the fumes; I lifted the bottle up right to stop it's flow onto my shoes and jeans and then very low key and non-chalant i said: "ah - no i'am good - I'll eat later.." she said "ok well i'll see ya later...?"
she was an entire floor below me --- and couldn't see me -
"are you ok?" she then asked -- and i responded like: "i don't have any idea what your reffering to...type of -- "yeah i'am fine...i'am ok -- i'll see ya later..."
she disappeared...

the voice was still there.. waiting; it would always be there...i had to be cool.
never let on that i was gay - basically project a false personae until i could escape to? ah, somewhere, i'll have to get away and go somewhere - where theres people like me -- other guys -- like me-- find ah -- "my kind..."
that VOICE...for the next ten years was on the back burner of my mind night and day...
"yeah your a fag -- and you know it -- and your entire life is gonna be about being a fag and having people hate you..."

>>>>>>the day of the acid --
of truly ackowledging what i was and and how much i wanted out of my circumstances and life -- and also realizing that there was no changing them either...
i was always clear on that...
but I'd have to fake it until i could get away...

the day of the acid --
i hid in the back construction yard amongst the big ass cement trucks...and then around four went into the office and said that i had to go home because i spilled some acid on my pants:...by "accident."
the pool acid was used often to clean trowels and other metal tools that had become caked with dried cement...so it wasn't much of a stretch to say you'd been using it clean something...

but then i fell into a melancholy -
a questioning of life and everything...
"to be or not to be>>>?" that was my question...
and i wrote about it in a private journal...(atleast it was private until ah >>> my step mother found it ah --- yeah --
"vacumming my desk drawers..."
i was so naive.

i didn't feel the need to hide it because never in my wildest dreams could i have imagined that anyone would go into my room - my space and violate my sacred privacy...
boy did i get a wake-up call --
she not only found it and read it -- she put it back in the desk then continued to read it for next few months that i logged my feelings and thoughts -- really: it as the ultimate invasion and betrayl...
then >>at the worst possible point in my pain and confusion >>>she confronted me on my cocaine use and suicidal thoughts...and what i had written about beinbg in love witb a guy and what happened on the football field...
IT WAS a confrontation: an accusation:
it wasn't pesented as a concern, like "I'am worried"
or "can we talk?"
it was more like...
"i caught you and now i know all your private thoughts and feelings..."
"i have something on you..."
>>>>>>>>>>>>


suicide - the ultimate ride...
yeah - i wrote that first poem, high on cocaine...knowing that if i did just a few more hits...that my heart would slow down and stop...
my heart was racing - i was writing...then everything slowed down. i stepped right up to the precipice of death...ready to jump into the next realm --
my heart leveling to a slow beat...
everyting kind of coated in a white-ish silver haze...
i said to myself: "this is it -- yes or no?"
i backed off and waited..maybe i went too far and it was too late...
>>>to be or not to be...?

had i grown up with well read parents - educated parents or even had a parent that was a "Witch" like me, or a person around me that could advise me about the advanced kind of "emtional - psychic- mental"
transitions i was experiencing at that time they would have probably directed me to shakespear's famous: hamlet --
"to be or not to be..."
and asked -
"ok tell us what your feeling right now"...
or:
"you have to learn to say or identify your feelings as: despair or hopelessness.." and then we can discuss them and let go of them..." take away their power...
de-fuse them...



"i wanna commit suicide..."
was all i could hash out in my thoughts...
the only internal language i had at that time was, a vague feeling of being trapped and wanting to run away...
and i just translated that into;
"I wanna commit suicide..."

after writing the "ultimate ride..." and fearing I'd gone too fat i crawled to bed and passed out -- i guess. i don't remember...
about a week later at my dad's construction yard -
the back warehouse...there was a crawlspace over the offices below used as storage...it was the kinda "secret" place kids find to pull down there pants and show what they got and see what you've got:

my cousin - jake - was the one that showed me how to push the ladder up against the 14 foot wall and land into the crawl space and hang out...
the first time went up there, of course, he pulled out what i know realize was one of the biggest dicks i would ever see in my life: a true fat - nine inch cock...
all floppy and half hard...
"take a look at this..." jake remarked...and
he wanted to see mine...and i showed him...

I was about 6 or 7 years younger than jake...

i got hard instantly...
he just laughed and then crawled down the ladder and disappeared for an hour or so somewhere in the construction yard which was easy to do -- there was a back lot filled with old heavy duty equipment - cement mixers that didn't work and were all rusted out -- a few sheds for tools and a tractor that had been dis-carded but never hauled away...

I hadn't seen jason in a week or so...

ONE AFTERNOON - my cousin jake was playing around with a "mini-bike" which basically was a tiny motorcycle - but it had no gears...if you took off the brake it hauled ass down the block...
jake called to me:
"hey Cmon - get on the min-bike and go for a ride..."
I said "No."
he started making fun of me -- saying i was a "pussy..."
embarrasssing me in front of the workers, many of whom i had secret crushes on ...
all of which were totally hot, muscled california good looking studs...some white - some black or mexican -- all of them rowdy and rough and sexy as hell...
alot of them were shirtless from lifting bags of cements or just getting in from a job and swathed with dust and dirt, smelling like a guy smells after a hard days work...
for a closeted 16 year old...it was like a living hell and an untouchable heaven...
it was a living hell...
and yeah i couldnt act on my repressed feeling and couldn't hold them in or down much longer...
there was going to be an accident - an explosion -- or maybe i just had to die to eascape it all...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
to question your existence is the first sign of emotional maturity -- spiritual yearning -- its the beggining of going off the path -- and finding out who you really are -- examing deep thoughts and feelings about the cosmos and the universes within and with out --

i was alone - with all of it -- i was alone...
(fuck) at 17 years old, i was done.
i was tired of living...
i had the weariness of an old man...
and the knowing of a sage...
yet i lacked the internal language and dialougue at that time to be eloquent about what i was experiencing...
in another place or another time i would have found paint brushes to paint it -- an instrument of music to play it out -
i would have found a sport that i liked to move my energies into -- but it did't happen - i only had a pen and paper...so thats what i used...

i would draw little comic-like faces in the side lines of my written thoughts but truly the first thing i went to was writing poems...
poetry is my first love...and always will be...i kept journals and wrote in them when i was confused or scared...


"Cmon you fuckin PUSSY! - everybodies waiting to watch you ride the min-bike..."
jake called through the yard...
a crowd gathered...all the studs surrounded me --
even back then i had the propensity to anorexia...but was well muscled -- from helping the guys stack their trucks at night with 100 pound bags of cement...
my chest muscles were actually over-built and buffed but my presence was kinda shy and well, like that of a poet and healer: definitely not a fighter...or a rough and tumble sort of guy like jake...

i shook my head, and came into the light of the sun from out of where we'd back up the trucks to work on them...

i walked out of the machine shop filled with huge red cases of wrenches and jack-hammers and pick - axes...
that area always smelled of gasoline and oil and grease...i kinda suantered around a minute and then I left the warehouse and walked to the blue - mini-bike that was reeving - loud and whiny:
jake's hand on the brake....holding it back...
holding the brake tight so it wouldn't jamm forth -- and peel away...

"ok here ya go -- " jake beigns to explain...
"i'am gonna release the break...for ya... once you get on..."

jake always had this perfect, brilliant con-artists grin and totally smooth way of talking - right before he was ready to completly embarass you or absolutely fuck you over...and i fell for it everytime...
this time, of course, was no exception...

I sat on the bike --
all the construction workers, the "guys" that worked for my dad came to watch...
a group of total hotty's as i said before...
surrounded me and the bike...except for jake everyone was alot older than me - like mid 30s...perfect and buffed I really just wanted their validation...
a validation of my masculinity, willing to prove just because i was the "bosses son" didn't mean that i was a total ass-wipe, good for nothing...
i climbed on the bike slowly and then looked into the eyes of one of the guys that i had the deepest secret crush on...
his name was "gus..."
gus was 6-4 tall around 185 - maybe 200 pounds and all muscle...had soft brown eyes - a handle bar mustache - and some scruff going on most of the time...
he almost always walked around "the yard" without his shirt on...was always in a cheerful mood and happy to be there working...
he rode in rodeos on the week ends and loved to tell stories about famous horses and sing out loud while he was working...
he was sort of a "tom of finalnd" / "billy doll" with straight brown hair...and big sexy lips...i thought of him often in the back of my thoughts..but would never admit it and now come to think of it, he must have known how much or how deeply i was - ah--- kind of, in love with him...
gus was everything i wasn't...
he was everything i wanted to be...big - strong - kind of happy go lucky -- unbothered by people or the world...totally beautiful...and strong..
a total "guy"...

i looked at gus and our eyes met and i kinda wished to ask him if i should get on the bike or not...he looked down upon me but just nodded like: "well, try it - well see..."
so i agreed
"ok...lets try it..."
then...
as i sat down on the seat my butt barely touching the plastic vynal cushion -- and the minute i relaxed:
jake let go of the brake and then at the same time turned a wild eye and laughed and
"gunned" the throttle...to full speed...

the mini-bike tore a patch of gravel...behind it -- it spun
the back wheel around and around and made a loud whirring noise and then it caught the pavement below and the bike took off...fast -- way too fast...
the bike steered through the yard...
i didn't have control of it at all...off it went -- and i with it -- out of control...
I nearly escaping hitting a truck -- and then looking back and watching the crowd -- looked ahead again only to crash -- head first into a chain link fence...
i wasn't wearing a helmet...i was in jeans and a t-shirt...

crash....
some of the guys peeled with laughter - some were quiet...
some were entertained...
a few ran over to help me up...
the bike lay in its side - the throttle stuck wide open and spinning the bike around a few times before somebody could hit the kill switch...
jake was holwing with delight...
my leg was bleeding. and the pant leg of my jeans was ripped open -- i was covered in dust and dirt...

jake ran over to me and began dusting off my pants...and trying to acess my bleeding leg...
"your ok -- your gonna be ok..." he said kinda scared - like saying - "don't tell your dad...it was just a joke...I didn't mean it..."
he kinda hugged me and then took the bike and rolled it back into the warehouse -- trying to fix the "govenor" which holds the throttle at a low point until you open it up...
everyone went back to working - i stumbled through the yard looking for a place to sit down or look at my leg...it was bleeding badly...
and then i saw gus walking toawrd me to ask me if i was "ok." just then i got light-headed and began to pass out - probably from the excitement and the fact that i hadn't eaten lunch yet...and seeing the blood and the cut on my leg...
just as i was about to fall onto the pavement gus caught me in his arms and carried me to the cement warehouse and laid me down on one of the cement pallets stacked five high...he went and got me some water...and slapped my face kinda softly to make me -- "come to.."

i sat up and drank the water...
"are you ok?" gus was saying...
i wiped my face and gus took some water from the cup hed given me to drink out of and he poured it into his hand and kind of washed my face a little bit...
my eyes became bright and i was revived...
gus touched my face and looked deep into my eyes for a minute and saw how hurt i was...my pride was hurt...and then without warning he ran over to jake and picked him up..right by the center of the t-shirt and swung his ass around in the air a few times and then threw him down...
"what the hellz wrong with you boy!!! -???"
he yelled at jake...
"you could have really hurt him...you pull another stunt like that in front of me i'll whip the tar right outta your ass - no questions asked...!"

jake was like a lil rag doll in gus' beefy buffed up arms...
mark got away from gus but he didn't say anything he just ran away and went to the corner liquor store or maybe hid in the back somewhere...and disappeared for an hour or so...

then gus came back to me and peered into my eyes almost like he knew id like that and then winked at me - like a cool guy to guy wink...as if to say:
"i'll protect you from that asshole - don't you worry..."
after gus went back to work...i crawled away to the secret place...and laid down and fell a sleep...

it was a few weeks later when a real darkness came over me...and i couldn't stop the voices in my head...
i had gotten drunk a few times from some "White Label" scotch stashed in my parents garage...and was feeling confused and spaced out...

i just remember climbing to the carwspace above my dad's offices and then seeing a crate of swimming pool acid...
i got an idea but i ignored it --
laying down on a pile of old rags i pulled off my pants and began...to spank one off as fast as i could:
then i heard jake coming up the ladder...
and i coulnd't get my pants up fast enough...
he totally caught me -- buttoning up my pants...
"oh well, well, well...what have we here -- ??" jake kind of bellowed out and then grabbed the top buttom of my jeans and undid them...expsposing my pre-cummed adollescent cock...
he surveyed it - up and down and then without warning he grabbed the middle of the shaft and said:
"thats really beautiful..." and then with his fist around my dick he looked me into the eyes and for a minute i thought he might kiss me....but he touched my lower lip and ran a finger across it...
"hey, ya wanna try some of this...?
and with that he unbuttoned his pants and pulled out his own cock -- now hard tottally big...and dripping at the head with some pre-cum...

"i wont tell anybody you were jerking off up here if you jerk me off too and well call it even...deal?" jake offered up - like a kind of blackmail...
i was shaking...i nodded - "yes..."


my dick was now fully hard again looking at jake's dick...
my dick was that still of a boy but his was the first true male - man, errection i ever saw...
it seemed huge compared to mine...
he had hair on his balls and they hugged the shaft of his phallus at first and then when he relaxed they fell and became two seperate nuts hanging there...full of juice...oozing out...
"go ahead man - put your hand around it..." he said guiding my hand to his pole...it was warm, i rememeber and i got a whiff of his crotch because he wasn't wearing any underwear...
and it smelled musky, like a locker room. kinda damp and masculine...
i was experiencing so many feelings...
and then without warning jake directed the head of his cock to my lips and then without talking - maybe i nodded yes - i dunno...
his errection went into my mouth and i began to suck it...
it felt good and right for me to do it somehow -- i dunno...
i don't remember much else...
i don't know if i came...
or jerked off my own dick while i sucked him off
but i do remember liking the taste and feeling that it seemed so big in my mouth...

jake's moves were smooth -- like hed done something like this before...
he was pushing the head and shaft all the way into my throat...his voice becoming soft and almost affectonate...
saying things like:
"thats it -- good boy...you like that???
it feels nice - right ?
oh yeah it feels so good...oh god...oh...yeah..."
touching the top of head nice...and stroking my hair -touching the back of my head - and then pulling me closer to him...
just then and i think jake would have came or was getting ready to but my father's secretary came around asking if were were going to lunch or not...
"hey! hey you guys!"
we could hear her from the outside warehouse of the machine shop...
"hey!" she called out - :where are you boys ? what are you two up to...?"

"up here..." jake called down totally cool - like nothing was going on...
>>>"just talking -- sharon...were getting lunch at "taco joes" - you go ahead..." jake yelled down - putting his wet dick back into his pants quietly and winking at me once with his famous devil's grin...
scrambling for the ladder to get downstairs and buttoning up his jeans all at once...
jake's eyes were bright and shiny...
he looked at me - clean:
"well finish this later --baby.." he whsipered and smiled and then disappeared down the ladder and then began working away in the machine shop...
making noise so everyone could hear him...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
yeah. it was a few days later. after jake and i - well after i sucked jake's cock that i tried to "off" myself...by drinking the acid...it went down something like this - as i recall:
i had the bottle of swimming pool acid to my lips ready to burn my insides so bad that id never recover, getting the bottle right up to my nose --- in the storage space above my father's office at the lot of his construction coampany...
i could hear the phones ringing below and the secretaries talking and chatting...i held the bottle tight and breathed in the highly toxic and dangerous to ingest chemical..fuck it was fucking ACID...and i was ready to drink it -- to escape what i was feeling at that time...
what i heard in my head: night and day --- i was still a virgin in both orientations at that time...the voice - the awful forboding and knowing that it was true...
i prefered to look at the guys - not the girls...
i wanted to kiss dick -- i wanted dick --- ah not jane...hehee

i think iwas "in love" with mark and i ached for him and also for gus...
to have gus hold me -
to have mark pull out his big dick again in the crawl space and put it in my mouth...

back then it - feeling those feeling seemed like the end of the world...
but that was what ? 1976 or 77 --
you just could'nt be a queer back then --
you just fucking didn't ever talk about shit like that, or youd wind up fag bashed and nobody would care how it happened --- they would just be glad that it did --
back then the general over-all message was --
"fags deserve to die" and - or --
"get the fags - find out whoose a faggot and eliminate them" something like that...
..no questions asked...

everyone was a suspect of anting to suck dick...
in high scool - anyone who looked the wrong way in the gym - while changing into your gym clothes -- or in the showers after wrestling practice -- could get branded "a queer" forever --
you'd be listed as the school "queer" and trust me
you didn't want that kind of abuse --
coming at youeveryday... you'd be subjected to the direct line of fire from a band of randy - rambunctious 17 and 18 year olds:
testoserone levels raging -- ready to prove that they were man enough to beat up or even kill the fuckin fag of the school...
point and shoot baby: you never knew what was coming next...
shirley jackson's short story: "the lottery" comes to mind here...
yes. yeah -- yeah. it really was like that - back in the day...
back in the 70s...and the early 80s...yeah it was - and i'am glad to be sitting here in 2006 still alive to tell the tale...


back in the late 60s and early 70s - you didnt time to sort through your feeling and consider your orientation or how you felt -- from the time i could remember --- fromt he first itme i open my eyes - it was nothing but 1 hundred - million miles an hour -- think fast -- look out jump fast -- dodge this and that and duck this and that -- 100 per-cent screaming fear..and panic..
no time to think.. sort it out, figure it out...
or let it be...
it was all fear here and the speed of anreniline and trying to get away from the truth - the fear and some unknown force that was out to get you-- that force was god all mighty -- and it was only a mtter of time before he found you out to be the evil - non worthy soul and spirit that desrved to be destroyed but first humilated and drug the mud...or worse..my thoughts ran like this - in the back -- and then - the wicked -- voices began in head --
at first seeming like far away...
then from deep inside you -- always gaining momentum -
ready to strike...pulverize..your tiny little body...
i think i weighed around 120 pounds until high school...
my waist was like a 26 or 27...i was a small framed 5-6 foot tall...afraid to breathe - afraid to let anything in or anything out...my eyes glazed over and vacant..even before i became i full fledge cocain addict age the age...of 17...
yeah -- fasten your seat belt..
this was going to be one hell of a ride...
by age 17 i'd allready been sexually assaulted by my two cousins - an uncle, my father's secretary - and my sisters...
my finger had been cut- off - my head had been split open...to the point of me being unconcious for over an hour...our house had caught on fire because my dad left something in the oven and passed out...i was a millionaire son and didn't even know it...i had something that everyone seemed to want and still i was a virgin...
pure and untouched in alot of ways...
with no idea of how to protect myself...grasp my innocence or keep it from being raped right outta me...
i was hospitalized around 12 for pnuemonia...and almost died...everytime the nurses left the room --- i pulled the IV right out of my arms...and whatever they were spilling into my viens -- coated the bed and my body -- then i'd pass out -- and thed find me - half dead...laying there wet from saline solution...
eventually they strapped me to the bed...tied my wrists down so i couldn't move...for a week --- strapped with my hands to my sides...until i was better...yeah -- i sure was better after that...baby...some pediphiles wet dream...
olive skin -- clear knowing green eyes - a naturally athletic tone to my body skinny as i was...my body was perfect in many ways...my mind forzen from all the traumas and all ready two near death expeirnces --
after awhile...i just --- was not there anymore...
after awhile you go into complete fantasy -- the colors become alive...you escape in your mind -- but on the outside -- nothing can touch you -- you go to "kirk-land" go somewhere else -- leaving your body to fend for itself...
"ive got get away..."
"I want to commit suicide..."
was all i could think...

i'd find way to remove myself...
one afternoon the thought occured to me: I'am gonns drink this acid and then -- "i'll be done..."

i sit on my hellz kitchen fire escape smokig organic cigarettes...
i ponder all that has occurred...
Ive been through every transformation possible - even that of death - many times over...
i'd still give my last dime for a smoke...or my last two bucks for a few minutes at the porno-video booths in times square for a free blow job...
I'd still rather sit on the street with the losers or loners than bask in the light of a vip lounge with the liars...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
i believe:

the pahtway to heaven is lined with the fires of hell...
the crucible of transformation...
the pain of love and the alienation of "the other..."
you have to know and learn the power and gentleness of light
and love...
withstand the chilling cold of truth revealed...
the darkness of wanting...
and the wholeness of spirit...
the value of the soul and the body---
and the gold that resides in the heart...

am i angel that fell into the hellish pit of the material world -- forever dammed to have the remembrance of heaven - and light?
or am i a demon?
crawling steadily from the pit of darkness into a light eternally burning me - soothing me and guiding me ?

i can not say --
it is my wish that something Ive done here has healed someone - somehwere...that is all...

psychics and fortune tellers tell me that I'am a
"god on earth"
a truly incarnated "divine being..."
a teacher...
a master in disguise...
laying in the gutters of poetry...
and languishing in the trenches of poverty...
>>>
my girl friends in college often told me that i was the: "devil.." or
"totally evil.." or
"wicked and cruel..."
"a latent homo-sexual..."

my fiance' screamed at me in a mykonos hotel suite...
"your the most disgusting person i've ever, met and i never want to see you again..."

the men i have had sex or affairs with have asked me:
"are you half (puerto) rican ?" or have said :
"you have the dick of a porn star..." and "jesus god -- that ass..."
or "your such a good cuddler..."

my family just thinks I'am strange and lost...
and my friends truly love me....fear me, adore me -- respect me and accept me...
all things considered I'am glad ( I think ) that i made the trip here...

I know that there happens to be a good many angels watching over me and protecting me...
night and day...
they sit on my bed and watch me sleep --
they cry when i'am sad and they rejoice when i'am happy...
they healed me when i was almost dead and dying...
they told me secrets and gave me love...
and reminded me of who I'am...

i think I'am a very rich man indeed to know all the angels and angel-humans and kinda somewhat demons and lost souls and shinning masters who have crossed my path...
all the people that hurt me - healed me or held me are not here -- thye are now somehwere else and someone else...
i'am alone but now - not lonely...
some think me god - some say beast - others say demon and some differ to angel...
most of the time I simply -- actually just forget that I'an here...
ah i dunno -
you tell me --
ive given you my best -- perhaps made you hard with arousal -- or told you the gold of my heart, showered some light into your soul...or brought some poetry to your life...
it's your turn now to whisper your secrets to me...

tel me everything...