the blood pools...

the blood pools...a dream
Current mood: apathetic
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

the blood pools...

a dream.

one night. i fall into the slumber of regret. remorse and grief...into a land.

i'am wandering. i have no memory.
i have no future.
the "now" is grey. miles from life. walking endlessly through a netherworld of wants and hopes: which are vague and never form into something solid.
everything is: fleeting, dissipating and vanishing...

above me a grey souless sky rumbles...
below: a desert of land rises up. cracked - arid and devoid of water...
there is no thought to inspire me.
there is no hunger. there is no thirst.
there is no idea to push or repel me...

i'am contained within a hallway that goes on forever.
i can not seem to find something to want...
there is no cieling above - simply two walls - the desert below...the grey above...
no beggining and no end...

i wait...
for a sign. for a word. for something to move.
i'am becoming the dust below me...
the blood pools...
the breath stops...
there is no sound.
there is nothing good.
there is nothing bad.
there is no color.
my eyes fade to white...
static.
repeat.

i wait.
the eternity of waiting...
in the hallway of the desert of the netherworld...
i wait...
then everything dissolves.

i'am in a room. the room is niether big or small.
there is nothing in the room but a chair and a tv screen.
i sit down.
tv commercials play across the screen.
i want things and can not have them...
i see things but can not touch them...
i'am disconnected.
there is nothing real. no nature. no life.
there are products...lots of products and fake smiles...
i'am numb.
i'am full of wanting things i don't need.

another eternity.
every commercial looks the same.
i nod off into sleep...into a trance...
the room disappears...


a big door.
i stand there forever.
the door opens...
first i hear a faint music...
the clatter of dishes. the din of laughter...
i sense warmth and wish to move toward it...
suddenly appearing is a grand dinning hall...
three large dusty chandeliers glowing above a magnificnent table. faded and peeling wallpaper coats the walls.
candelight adds a strange glow.
cobwebs are everywhere: on plates of food...
on the windows. in the corners, on the ghosts waltzing around...
the music grows louder.
it is glorious...
there is wine. goblets of water and drink.
outside lightning and thunder strikes and lights up the table and dance floor...
laughter. fun. drunkeness.
a party.
ghosts are everywhere.

in the psychic landscape of my life the ghosts are having a grand time.
they are dining on the buffet of my past.
skeletons in every corner waiting...dressed in tuxedos.
they smile.
dinner is served...
it is truly magnificent...
they are all having a good time.
they take no notice of me what so ever...

there is an empty chair, so i sit down...
a skeleton appears behind me and pulls a fine linen napkin off the table and places it on my lap...
"your order sir?" the skeleton requests...
i roll my eyes. "let me see...I'd like to have some nice wine and some beef steak..."
"very good." the skeleton says and waves his hand...
my hearts desire appears. the perfect cuts of beef before me, bathed in juice, with breads and vegetables...wonderful delicious desserts...
i try to take the food into my mouth. i eat but can not taste.
the skeleton nods and leaves...
more skeletons.
moving about the table. bringing things. taking away dishes...pouring wine. the way they move is delightful...

lady ghosts are dancing and flirting...they are dressed in turn of the century clothing. amazing gowns and hats...make up and hair-dos. the men are all in suits and tuxeudos...drinking brandy: they seem like true gentlemen.
they are toasting one another...
the feast of feasts...
the grandest party. everything is beautiful...
the ghosts shimmer and glow.
the skeletons are happy.
i raise my hand - three skeletons appear nodding and awaiting my request...

i look around and upon further examination i realize....the dinner guests - the ghosts are all people i knew. they are all people that have died...people i used to know...
laughing - smiling - eating - drinking - smoking - dancing...
my heart leaps open at the thought of being able to see them all - perhaps talk to them...

a music conductor taps his baton upon a podium. instructing the orchestra to play a waltz...
there is a stillness.
and then with precision and grace - every one dances...
lightning cracks again in the sky outside...
the room fills with a flash of blue....
there is laughter...and dancing...
and then -
i awake.
i'am in my bed.
i'am in my body.

sitting next to me is kiel.

>>>>>>>>>>

i awake.
i bring my hands to my eyes. to rub away the dream. i pull back the curtain. dalylight is just breaking. i look at the clock...5-30am...another day...
i place my feet on the floor.

like every morning i open my eyes. focus on the cieling above. nothing has changed. for me the day is not a new beggining but simply a continuation of regrets and pain...
the old yesterdays fold together and pin my mind to time and history. to the "matter" of my body.
my history. my body. my pain.
my baggage...
a continuation of forgotten hopes and dreams...weighting me down further...adding more residue.
the body moves. caffiene. nicotine...smoke.
inhale. pain. regret.
slowing down.

i pace to the coffee maker...
the same space. the same body. the same fears.
there is no comfort for me: it irritates me that everything is the same...

everything grows a little more grey...it seems a perfect fall day has appeared and grows a golden light rising to meet the scattering fog of the morning.


kiel....