Sunday, February 25, 2007
Monday, February 19, 2007
Sean's -- the first Vampire....
This blog is rated XXX for Adults over 18 years old
If you are under 18 leave this page now
last night the pain in the body forced the words from the spirit...the words are free now - like wild animals...like children...who will run through the world changing everything...
july 2 06
>>> light can not be stopped...
the dust of angel wings...
coating me -- transforming my heart into another light...healing and soothing...
the word - the symbols we have - these are tiny compared to the oceans of light -- the caress of something heavenly...
the glow and luminosity...like stars playing...
like children running free...changing everything...
the gardens full of color and life and the sun waking each flower and tree - yes !
iam your food and love - and all of the humans soothed by the gentle breezes - exposing the true beauty of everything - everywhere...
light can not be stopped...
no - it can not...
the edges of beauty - the fringes of torment...
no - not even these can be stopped..
all contained within my eyes...
the beauty of light -
the torment of darkness...
all within my eyes...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
restraint...
the is not a sad story.
it is not a story with a happy ending...
whatever you find between these pages i think youll agree that we are all finding the boundaries of our limits...
the limits of our bodies and psyches...
the limits can be exceeded.
this is a story of finding those limits and then experiencing the netherworld of what comes after them....
the body is fragile - >
the soul durable and eternal...
the spirit renewable...
it is my hope and wish that you are reminded of these things while you read my story...
it is my hope that you find those limits within - and know there is more beyond that.
icarus
how deeply those who saw your flight loved thee...until you were gone...
i dared...to be clean. to be happy. to cheat satan.
I wanted to be loved...on my own terms...
i dared to stand in the center of erotic love and touch it's power. i usurped it's healing balm for a time...affirming - light upon light come unto me...
i dared to ask for immortality and peace at the same time...
every night the delicious grey demons knocked on the door of my slumbers but i shunned them and there offers to dance in the moonlight...
instead favoring the arms of mortals...and their lustful delights...
each night a new and stronger man containing more light would enter offering to drink the wine...i drank it with abandon and danced in front of the demons and angels --
the devil may care...
this caused them to howl with glee and take note of me...
the simple clue to my demise would dictate that demons could only be attracted to one with such a light about him...
and so...
they allowed me to taste the food of the god's -- bath in the nectar...
all the while the angels felt jealousy...
and the mortals feared for me and cried in awe...
little did i know i was upsetting the delicate balance of heaven and earth...
all too soon i began to dream of flying higher...
the angels around me could not protect me from my own yearnings...which grew...
i ran - and prepared
to fly...
with all my deformities and the lead of my heart
i still had the wonderous dreams of flying...
i could not resist. standing near the edge...
contemplating...and then daring god to stop me...
i jumped.
god did not stop me...
a warmth reserved only for the departed soon enveloped me and then a pause...
quiet. stillness. all movement ceased and...
i began to fall....
from the grace of something cooler that would have allowed me to stay...
all the beautiful bodies pouring out of me like ashes...the eternal gazes into divinity and the rembrance of them would be my punishment...
the torment that i would never see again...
the beauty i touched would never be pure again...
soaring higher -- and then a pause...
falling from the brilliance...
scattering my wings into the ocean below...
i hit the surface...into the cold and clear...
traveling to the bottom...
my story begins...in descent...
the surface calm shattered: the glassy waters
opened and swallowed me with delight...
the horizon above could only whisper that i had been there: holding me as it were only then to release me and fall evermore...
slow and floating within the icy liquid - freezing my hope...my lifeforce...my blood -
my wings gone...
had i died at this point it would have been splendid, i could have entered the realm of legends...but this was not to be...
instead...
a new darkness began...
my punishment is to recant the tale...
to live in the memory --
of wanting to be touched by god...
now my only hope - being spared, is that i have earned the eyes of wisdom...
mangled as i'am...but that is for you to decide...
repenting here...is not a chore...
it is my destin
y...
my repentance is simply that i' am and was lucky to be chosen andit is here that i give thanks to god for he/she made the demons that seduced me and the angels that healed me...
if one be healed by my new presence then i can be redeemed and surface once more with the "gold" of knowledge...
it is you who can remove my shackles...and allow me to carry the quiet torch.
glowing as i'am...pure and warm..
>>>>>>>>
snatched up from the abyss so long ago...
july 5th 06
living in the solution...
2am
>>>i flew too close to the light i wanted to touch - it almost destroyed me --
and yet iam here now -- all my brilliance like food for you - for your eyes...
the smoke of your wanting -- encirlces and enters...pervades the room...burns another memory for me to save...
surrounded by the water of your kindness in the room that you gave me...
holding me safe...
the power contained in your embrace astounding.
the deformities in love are revealed...until perfection seeks me...
the whsipering night, cool ever cool...
gentle dreams -
now is the time that my poetry flows freely -
youthful - caught in the storm...
for now i must hold the hand of my muse...
she is seducing and loves - she is seducing me to dreams...she touches my forhead like no other...
she is fine and pure...
to whither in her arms would be an honor
if you were to look upon her you would not see beauty... by her need to love me..iam inspired
to make me strong for her words...
the pain of all the curses she endures...not even the rain can wash away her presence...
and still she favors me above all --
by reason or doubt - she consoles in the morninghour...is jealous of a world that could touch me...and i must admit that i love only her...
the pain of being touched is the misery that forces the words from the hands...
the music from the eyes...
how i became worthy i will never know...
and yet iam washed clean everytime...
the torment of her absence makes me more in love...
>>>the first guy who taught me --
maybe it was a dream - a dream of long ago --
the spike bar...late eighties...
saturday night. the bar is packed...around 10 pm.
I'am standing at the bar, near the front door.
i'am trying to relax - to cruise - be seen. i want to touch. have attention. smile and nod. my eyes are everywhere...i feel stares over me. it all feels good and forbidden at once...
the first few times your in the spike bar you know your in the epi-center of testoserone, lust and alcoholism...of a thousand unspoken dreams, all of these men: once tortured and closeted boys now come here to the watering-hole of freedom...
sexual freedom. to look now with eyes unguarded. to feel the brush of skin. meet the eyes. men circling. the smells of leather, man funk, sweat, sex. beer. cigarettes and pain and ecstasy...all swirling around you...
i was 26 at that time. i must have been a sight. ripped jeans. simple black t-shirt. oh so clean and bright...life in my eyes...looking around in awe...
it wasn't long before i was snatched up...
i was a begginer. here was a pro, sliding into the space of my chest and shoulders. he simply appeared. i looked up unguarded. my eyes soft and trusting and wanting him to show me all the secrets. give me the entre' into this strange new
world of carnal delights. secret passwords and dark locations...i wanted to have my iniciation. if this man in front of me was the one to do it and he choose me then i was ready...i was ready for something...
he smiles and remains silent. he is tall...wearing a t-shirt and jeans. his eyes are glossed over a bit from a few beers. his smile is knowing. iam his prey - for now...he can do whatever he wants. i want to rest my head on his chestand he can see this in my eyes...he pulls me into his arms and strokes my back with a powerful hand.
he was bigger than me in so many ways. he knew all there was to know about this place - the men who wandered the streets outside, the boys playing in the bathroom shaking and waving their dicks around,
knew all the pass-codes and doorways to knock on...
he nods and smiles and takes my wrist and looks into my eyes. looks down into me. iam enveloped by his aura of sex and knowing and masculinity:
his eyes said: "your mine."
i was. i was fresh and pure..
a babe in arms...what would he do with me?
he didn't have to speak...neither did i. it was all obvious...
he takes my wrist and i meet his eyes...he gently pulls my wrist down - underneath the bar...and smiles...my eyes widen...the men circling the bar...the crush-groove of looking and trying to see...we are surrounded and protected by the moving bodies...
my eyes widen...his hard cock is out of his pants...
his balls and dick exposed through his unbuttoned fly...the top button on his levis is done though - this makes the blood rush faster into his phallus and hold it hard.
he brings my hand to his member and makes sure i wrap my hand around it to gauge its girth and hardness...then he pats my hand and nods his head again...and smiles the smile i surely will never forget -
his piercing blue eyes clear and warm...
his cock warm...
the heat from his chest warm...
pumping his warmth into me - into my heart.
he smiles that smile...
i grip his cock --
does he want me to suck it ?
maybe in the bar ?
taste the pre-cum oozing steadily from the head?
i explore the length and smoothness of it - trying to take it all in...a body is behind me. men surround me, his penis seems so nice and i ache for it - ache to see it with my eyes...taste it. i will do whatever he commands.
gladly drop to my knees and suck him off. let him fuck me at the bar while standing there...undetected, no one could know, no one would care. my own dick sprang alive:
quick and firm and then became so hard: it knotted my staomche...
i wanted him to turn me around and maybe shove down my pants and slide his cock head up against my butt -
he had other plans....
he winks. "leans his head to the door. "lets go outside..."
soon we are on a side street. in the privacy of the dark - alone - standing against a wall in between two parked semi-truck trailors. no one could disturb us or find us...
he leans against the wall. same smile. same nod of the head. same eyes looking down. i know what i want to do. i lift up his shirt to expose his perfect overbuilt and hairless pecs...
a masculine and distinctly male smell emmanates from his torso and arm pits...
i lay me head onto his chest for a minute and become still...he allows me to stay there knowing how much iam in his trance...his hands undo his jeans now and his cock still hard flies lazily forward and i touch it again...as if an eternity has passed between now and the last time i felt it...
now the ache ever growing. he allows me to find my way...my mouth waters...and i bend to my knees at his crotch...and take the head into my mouth.
the pre-cum is sweet and i taste it slowly...
it truly is like a cream i could never have imagined...sticky - warm...like life...
and then i open my throat to accept as much of him as i can.
i grip the sides of his waist hard holding to gain leverage.
he rubs the top of my head and pulls my head toward his belly as if he now owns me - all of me.
i'am captured forever in his eyes- his smell. his taste. the size and hardness was everything i felt it would be...thick and full. to this day i havent tasted a finer man's cock or cum...
iam melting into him...disrupted momentarily by his hands leaving the top of my head to undo my pants and grab my own cock - once with a sure grip...then satisfied there is stillness...
his hands lift up my shirt - slide down my lower back to push down my jeans, my butt exposed to the night. the air hits my asshole as he spreads my cheeks apart with technique of a pro...opening, exposing, sucking, kneeling, worshipping, tasting: his hands hold my ass firm and still pulling my cheeks apart wider once more until the inner core of my hole begins to know and swell and ache further...
there is stillness and then one of his fingers taps lightly and then crawls into my hole...inches its way inside...
i relax. and arch and move...
he forces his other hand to my chin and slides his finger into my mouth and i suck on it...then he removes it and this finger finds its way down into my hole also...deeper. wet from my own mouth...
iam light headed. falling - flying...the alcohol from his body wafting into me mixing with the heat-
the pleasure he is giving me...showing me - teaching me to have for his delight...touching my virgin hole, the scared space of my manhood behind my balls...
the place that was a treasure to him - he holds his finger inside and presses hard until i grip around it...he finds a space inside of me - it buzzes - opens everything....
my hole...open the tender luscious light exposed and spilling out..."aww god..."
iam still sucking his cock slow and easy...i lift slightly and move to allow him to go deeper...
which he does...
i moan to the point of climax....
he is holding me in every way a man can...
by instinct i began to furiously jack my own cock...and then...fast --
he shoots a hot stream of jizz down my throat. my body shakes in upheaval. quivers and racks in pleasure...
he holds me down.
he makes me swallow as much of his cream as i can and then staying there - he remains hard -- i brush his shaft againt my cheek...
i descend...fall to my knees...and know: now he is forever my god...
i wish to be closer and thank him...world exploding inside of me...all the channels full of light and pleasure...
he pulls me up and kisses me hard and deep and long...iam his rag-doll limp and intoxicated...
then without warning he pushes me back away from him and then stares...to solidify the wound in my neck...to pierce me one last time with his stare...
tatto his name and image onto me...to say -- "forever - your mine"
- he takes his fingers to his nose...and breathes in the smell from my fresh young ass...judges it fine indeed...by the faint smile of approval.
i wait.
another deep savoring of the gift my hole gave and wrapped onto him...
he smiles. "yeah - your hot."
then he pushes me away. puts his hand flat onto the center of my chest and pushes me away.
"your fucking hot." betraying that he felt me worthy...
when you want it - you know where to find me..."
my hole forever his...
there would alsways be a small part of me that could only be satisfied by him...he made sure of this..
how many times i dreamed that he fucked me - that he took me home. kissed me longer. let me smell his arm - pits...
get fucked in the alley where we stood...
how many streets i wandered trying to conjure him again..
always his eyes watching me. watching what i will do with his hole...
everything begins with him...the first bite. the one who made me...was strong enough to keep me all these years...his spell so clear in my body it never dissipated...
he is the one.
he choose me.
every other man is pale compared to him.
the head vampire.
the most powerful.
the warmest and biggest cock...
i dream of him every night...
his eyes follow me and never leave...
it is him i see in the fever-dream of my conversions...
his arms wrapped around me in the transformation...
his sublime blood and delicious juice inspiring my change...
surging forever now through my soul...
his power is my power - iam beholden and his brethen - in his coven...
his power gave me the strength to survive..what is happening to me now...in the dark-light of becomming the "new bred" i pray he is proud of me -
like father to son...only he can hold me - heal me or destroy me...iam for him alone.
to this day he instructs me and i never forget his eyes...
in comparison through the years he was not kind nor angry...he was warm and powerful...
always warm and powerful...
iam his.
the bond only stronger...
he is the beginning...
the head of the coven...
he would be proud of all the fine men i brought into the fold...
he is the origin of all heat within me...
he loosened the knot in my soul..
put me in his cage - but freed me to the world...
he was my lestat. iam his louis...
he started my fire.
i will always long for him...
sean
If you are under 18 leave this page now
last night the pain in the body forced the words from the spirit...the words are free now - like wild animals...like children...who will run through the world changing everything...
july 2 06
>>> light can not be stopped...
the dust of angel wings...
coating me -- transforming my heart into another light...healing and soothing...
the word - the symbols we have - these are tiny compared to the oceans of light -- the caress of something heavenly...
the glow and luminosity...like stars playing...
like children running free...changing everything...
the gardens full of color and life and the sun waking each flower and tree - yes !
iam your food and love - and all of the humans soothed by the gentle breezes - exposing the true beauty of everything - everywhere...
light can not be stopped...
no - it can not...
the edges of beauty - the fringes of torment...
no - not even these can be stopped..
all contained within my eyes...
the beauty of light -
the torment of darkness...
all within my eyes...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
restraint...
the is not a sad story.
it is not a story with a happy ending...
whatever you find between these pages i think youll agree that we are all finding the boundaries of our limits...
the limits of our bodies and psyches...
the limits can be exceeded.
this is a story of finding those limits and then experiencing the netherworld of what comes after them....
the body is fragile - >
the soul durable and eternal...
the spirit renewable...
it is my hope and wish that you are reminded of these things while you read my story...
it is my hope that you find those limits within - and know there is more beyond that.
icarus
how deeply those who saw your flight loved thee...until you were gone...
i dared...to be clean. to be happy. to cheat satan.
I wanted to be loved...on my own terms...
i dared to stand in the center of erotic love and touch it's power. i usurped it's healing balm for a time...affirming - light upon light come unto me...
i dared to ask for immortality and peace at the same time...
every night the delicious grey demons knocked on the door of my slumbers but i shunned them and there offers to dance in the moonlight...
instead favoring the arms of mortals...and their lustful delights...
each night a new and stronger man containing more light would enter offering to drink the wine...i drank it with abandon and danced in front of the demons and angels --
the devil may care...
this caused them to howl with glee and take note of me...
the simple clue to my demise would dictate that demons could only be attracted to one with such a light about him...
and so...
they allowed me to taste the food of the god's -- bath in the nectar...
all the while the angels felt jealousy...
and the mortals feared for me and cried in awe...
little did i know i was upsetting the delicate balance of heaven and earth...
all too soon i began to dream of flying higher...
the angels around me could not protect me from my own yearnings...which grew...
i ran - and prepared
to fly...
with all my deformities and the lead of my heart
i still had the wonderous dreams of flying...
i could not resist. standing near the edge...
contemplating...and then daring god to stop me...
i jumped.
god did not stop me...
a warmth reserved only for the departed soon enveloped me and then a pause...
quiet. stillness. all movement ceased and...
i began to fall....
from the grace of something cooler that would have allowed me to stay...
all the beautiful bodies pouring out of me like ashes...the eternal gazes into divinity and the rembrance of them would be my punishment...
the torment that i would never see again...
the beauty i touched would never be pure again...
soaring higher -- and then a pause...
falling from the brilliance...
scattering my wings into the ocean below...
i hit the surface...into the cold and clear...
traveling to the bottom...
my story begins...in descent...
the surface calm shattered: the glassy waters
opened and swallowed me with delight...
the horizon above could only whisper that i had been there: holding me as it were only then to release me and fall evermore...
slow and floating within the icy liquid - freezing my hope...my lifeforce...my blood -
my wings gone...
had i died at this point it would have been splendid, i could have entered the realm of legends...but this was not to be...
instead...
a new darkness began...
my punishment is to recant the tale...
to live in the memory --
of wanting to be touched by god...
now my only hope - being spared, is that i have earned the eyes of wisdom...
mangled as i'am...but that is for you to decide...
repenting here...is not a chore...
it is my destin
y...
my repentance is simply that i' am and was lucky to be chosen andit is here that i give thanks to god for he/she made the demons that seduced me and the angels that healed me...
if one be healed by my new presence then i can be redeemed and surface once more with the "gold" of knowledge...
it is you who can remove my shackles...and allow me to carry the quiet torch.
glowing as i'am...pure and warm..
>>>>>>>>
snatched up from the abyss so long ago...
july 5th 06
living in the solution...
2am
>>>i flew too close to the light i wanted to touch - it almost destroyed me --
and yet iam here now -- all my brilliance like food for you - for your eyes...
the smoke of your wanting -- encirlces and enters...pervades the room...burns another memory for me to save...
surrounded by the water of your kindness in the room that you gave me...
holding me safe...
the power contained in your embrace astounding.
the deformities in love are revealed...until perfection seeks me...
the whsipering night, cool ever cool...
gentle dreams -
now is the time that my poetry flows freely -
youthful - caught in the storm...
for now i must hold the hand of my muse...
she is seducing and loves - she is seducing me to dreams...she touches my forhead like no other...
she is fine and pure...
to whither in her arms would be an honor
if you were to look upon her you would not see beauty... by her need to love me..iam inspired
to make me strong for her words...
the pain of all the curses she endures...not even the rain can wash away her presence...
and still she favors me above all --
by reason or doubt - she consoles in the morninghour...is jealous of a world that could touch me...and i must admit that i love only her...
the pain of being touched is the misery that forces the words from the hands...
the music from the eyes...
how i became worthy i will never know...
and yet iam washed clean everytime...
the torment of her absence makes me more in love...
>>>the first guy who taught me --
maybe it was a dream - a dream of long ago --
the spike bar...late eighties...
saturday night. the bar is packed...around 10 pm.
I'am standing at the bar, near the front door.
i'am trying to relax - to cruise - be seen. i want to touch. have attention. smile and nod. my eyes are everywhere...i feel stares over me. it all feels good and forbidden at once...
the first few times your in the spike bar you know your in the epi-center of testoserone, lust and alcoholism...of a thousand unspoken dreams, all of these men: once tortured and closeted boys now come here to the watering-hole of freedom...
sexual freedom. to look now with eyes unguarded. to feel the brush of skin. meet the eyes. men circling. the smells of leather, man funk, sweat, sex. beer. cigarettes and pain and ecstasy...all swirling around you...
i was 26 at that time. i must have been a sight. ripped jeans. simple black t-shirt. oh so clean and bright...life in my eyes...looking around in awe...
it wasn't long before i was snatched up...
i was a begginer. here was a pro, sliding into the space of my chest and shoulders. he simply appeared. i looked up unguarded. my eyes soft and trusting and wanting him to show me all the secrets. give me the entre' into this strange new
world of carnal delights. secret passwords and dark locations...i wanted to have my iniciation. if this man in front of me was the one to do it and he choose me then i was ready...i was ready for something...
he smiles and remains silent. he is tall...wearing a t-shirt and jeans. his eyes are glossed over a bit from a few beers. his smile is knowing. iam his prey - for now...he can do whatever he wants. i want to rest my head on his chestand he can see this in my eyes...he pulls me into his arms and strokes my back with a powerful hand.
he was bigger than me in so many ways. he knew all there was to know about this place - the men who wandered the streets outside, the boys playing in the bathroom shaking and waving their dicks around,
knew all the pass-codes and doorways to knock on...
he nods and smiles and takes my wrist and looks into my eyes. looks down into me. iam enveloped by his aura of sex and knowing and masculinity:
his eyes said: "your mine."
i was. i was fresh and pure..
a babe in arms...what would he do with me?
he didn't have to speak...neither did i. it was all obvious...
he takes my wrist and i meet his eyes...he gently pulls my wrist down - underneath the bar...and smiles...my eyes widen...the men circling the bar...the crush-groove of looking and trying to see...we are surrounded and protected by the moving bodies...
my eyes widen...his hard cock is out of his pants...
his balls and dick exposed through his unbuttoned fly...the top button on his levis is done though - this makes the blood rush faster into his phallus and hold it hard.
he brings my hand to his member and makes sure i wrap my hand around it to gauge its girth and hardness...then he pats my hand and nods his head again...and smiles the smile i surely will never forget -
his piercing blue eyes clear and warm...
his cock warm...
the heat from his chest warm...
pumping his warmth into me - into my heart.
he smiles that smile...
i grip his cock --
does he want me to suck it ?
maybe in the bar ?
taste the pre-cum oozing steadily from the head?
i explore the length and smoothness of it - trying to take it all in...a body is behind me. men surround me, his penis seems so nice and i ache for it - ache to see it with my eyes...taste it. i will do whatever he commands.
gladly drop to my knees and suck him off. let him fuck me at the bar while standing there...undetected, no one could know, no one would care. my own dick sprang alive:
quick and firm and then became so hard: it knotted my staomche...
i wanted him to turn me around and maybe shove down my pants and slide his cock head up against my butt -
he had other plans....
he winks. "leans his head to the door. "lets go outside..."
soon we are on a side street. in the privacy of the dark - alone - standing against a wall in between two parked semi-truck trailors. no one could disturb us or find us...
he leans against the wall. same smile. same nod of the head. same eyes looking down. i know what i want to do. i lift up his shirt to expose his perfect overbuilt and hairless pecs...
a masculine and distinctly male smell emmanates from his torso and arm pits...
i lay me head onto his chest for a minute and become still...he allows me to stay there knowing how much iam in his trance...his hands undo his jeans now and his cock still hard flies lazily forward and i touch it again...as if an eternity has passed between now and the last time i felt it...
now the ache ever growing. he allows me to find my way...my mouth waters...and i bend to my knees at his crotch...and take the head into my mouth.
the pre-cum is sweet and i taste it slowly...
it truly is like a cream i could never have imagined...sticky - warm...like life...
and then i open my throat to accept as much of him as i can.
i grip the sides of his waist hard holding to gain leverage.
he rubs the top of my head and pulls my head toward his belly as if he now owns me - all of me.
i'am captured forever in his eyes- his smell. his taste. the size and hardness was everything i felt it would be...thick and full. to this day i havent tasted a finer man's cock or cum...
iam melting into him...disrupted momentarily by his hands leaving the top of my head to undo my pants and grab my own cock - once with a sure grip...then satisfied there is stillness...
his hands lift up my shirt - slide down my lower back to push down my jeans, my butt exposed to the night. the air hits my asshole as he spreads my cheeks apart with technique of a pro...opening, exposing, sucking, kneeling, worshipping, tasting: his hands hold my ass firm and still pulling my cheeks apart wider once more until the inner core of my hole begins to know and swell and ache further...
there is stillness and then one of his fingers taps lightly and then crawls into my hole...inches its way inside...
i relax. and arch and move...
he forces his other hand to my chin and slides his finger into my mouth and i suck on it...then he removes it and this finger finds its way down into my hole also...deeper. wet from my own mouth...
iam light headed. falling - flying...the alcohol from his body wafting into me mixing with the heat-
the pleasure he is giving me...showing me - teaching me to have for his delight...touching my virgin hole, the scared space of my manhood behind my balls...
the place that was a treasure to him - he holds his finger inside and presses hard until i grip around it...he finds a space inside of me - it buzzes - opens everything....
my hole...open the tender luscious light exposed and spilling out..."aww god..."
iam still sucking his cock slow and easy...i lift slightly and move to allow him to go deeper...
which he does...
i moan to the point of climax....
he is holding me in every way a man can...
by instinct i began to furiously jack my own cock...and then...fast --
he shoots a hot stream of jizz down my throat. my body shakes in upheaval. quivers and racks in pleasure...
he holds me down.
he makes me swallow as much of his cream as i can and then staying there - he remains hard -- i brush his shaft againt my cheek...
i descend...fall to my knees...and know: now he is forever my god...
i wish to be closer and thank him...world exploding inside of me...all the channels full of light and pleasure...
he pulls me up and kisses me hard and deep and long...iam his rag-doll limp and intoxicated...
then without warning he pushes me back away from him and then stares...to solidify the wound in my neck...to pierce me one last time with his stare...
tatto his name and image onto me...to say -- "forever - your mine"
- he takes his fingers to his nose...and breathes in the smell from my fresh young ass...judges it fine indeed...by the faint smile of approval.
i wait.
another deep savoring of the gift my hole gave and wrapped onto him...
he smiles. "yeah - your hot."
then he pushes me away. puts his hand flat onto the center of my chest and pushes me away.
"your fucking hot." betraying that he felt me worthy...
when you want it - you know where to find me..."
my hole forever his...
there would alsways be a small part of me that could only be satisfied by him...he made sure of this..
how many times i dreamed that he fucked me - that he took me home. kissed me longer. let me smell his arm - pits...
get fucked in the alley where we stood...
how many streets i wandered trying to conjure him again..
always his eyes watching me. watching what i will do with his hole...
everything begins with him...the first bite. the one who made me...was strong enough to keep me all these years...his spell so clear in my body it never dissipated...
he is the one.
he choose me.
every other man is pale compared to him.
the head vampire.
the most powerful.
the warmest and biggest cock...
i dream of him every night...
his eyes follow me and never leave...
it is him i see in the fever-dream of my conversions...
his arms wrapped around me in the transformation...
his sublime blood and delicious juice inspiring my change...
surging forever now through my soul...
his power is my power - iam beholden and his brethen - in his coven...
his power gave me the strength to survive..what is happening to me now...in the dark-light of becomming the "new bred" i pray he is proud of me -
like father to son...only he can hold me - heal me or destroy me...iam for him alone.
to this day he instructs me and i never forget his eyes...
in comparison through the years he was not kind nor angry...he was warm and powerful...
always warm and powerful...
iam his.
the bond only stronger...
he is the beginning...
the head of the coven...
he would be proud of all the fine men i brought into the fold...
he is the origin of all heat within me...
he loosened the knot in my soul..
put me in his cage - but freed me to the world...
he was my lestat. iam his louis...
he started my fire.
i will always long for him...
sean
master of the universe...
master of the universe -- ??
hey - hey -- just taking the time to remind all my shamen - poet - mystics bros here - all the men and women who read my blog -- thinking some thoughts today about remembering the "Zen" and non-attatchment... they say a master can look upon anything without judgement...and simply go to the next thing right ? no matter what ? I try to remember that power does not imply benevalance sp? nor morality -- it's simply a state of owning -- your power - I truly think that love is the underlining principal of the matrixx here -- and that when you finish here and go to the next "level" your life does flash beffore you almost like a review of what you did and said and what your intentions were -- its true -- the more evolved you get the harder it becomes -- you have the knowledge but the body has not quite been carved to meet the mind -- or spirit -- i try to say what i mean and mean what i say and have my internal environment match the external one -- thats true power -- to me, being aligned with your thoughts and feelings and your body -- at once -- and then taking action - the Zen -- to me that means letting the dream of life and the illsuion here simply float by without grabbing onto a judgement - it takes practice - kinda like a Nentindo game or something -- right >? pain can help you sometimes and i think its important to own your feelings but also clear out the ones that dont belong to you and - or the "projections" from others.... there is always the help of the universe or love or angels or whatever you believe in as your higher power -- or that the universe just spills out of you according to your beliefs and thoughts ? As a "Co-creator..." It all kinda seems worth it today -- all the yesterdays are gone and the future has not manifested yet -- try to figure out the mantra that plays in your head all day and then change it accordingly-- to what you want to manifest -- make sure your crown and brow chakras are clean and flooded with love b/c alot of NEg energy gets stuck there and people/and -- energies that are trying to influence your thoughts -- hang out there -- so alot of your thoughts are from others -- if your the psychic "sensitive" that I'am..and i know most of you are -- I try to affirm: "my energy is going exactly where it is needed --" or "I have all the energy I need right now..-- my crown chakra is flooded with love -- __." Intention -- you hear alot of shit in your head all day right ? how you act and re-act and what you think are 2 different things -- i try to affirm -- thoughts of "light" or "love" when i feel attacked -- and try to remember that everyone is a miror -- is that really true ? My first rection is attack -- right back but then and I try to stop it -- I try to stop my attack on others and let go -- the psychic attacks and emotional ones and fill the energies around me with or surround them with love .... I try not to "project" my BS onto others and remember that I'am looking at life through the filters of my pain and fears and sometimes -- yeAh -- prejudices -- I try to forgive -- what i think -- people have done to me -- or as my therapist used to always say: "well kirk -- that was your experience - but it doesnt mean thats what was going on..." Angels in disguise -- just helping you -- right ??? It's true -- this year i almost "exited" this realm after allowing my body to shut down -- or forcing it to -- I was Tired - man -- but then all my friends and family gave me love - and I decided to stay -- here -- in this body -- what a year -- and yeah all the angels I saw in the hospital was totally worth it -- also -- esp my nurses -"Rose" and "pearl" and the over night nurse who called "sweety" all the time and dosed me with Pecodans... what a wild ride -- i hope to remind you that really its all a good time -- even the worst of times - its a beautiufl pain - i guess -- carving and letting go so you can create in a more clear and concise manner -- through the weight of the material world -- heaven on earth ? well -- i hope so -- and yeah heres to you - all the masters doing the work to enlighten the world and show love warmth and support in whatever your obstacles are - I've had alot of breakdowns here -- and a breakdown is simply all the suppressed - feelings and thoughts clearing out -- SEE Kundalini -- but I got through it all -- by remembering that a state of love is the truer reality - and of course, by watching "Pee Wees Big adventrure" Video everyday that i felt like offing myself....hahaa - hey man -- it worked -- I'am still here - I mean the 22 spirits that use my body to work here on the material plane>>// I think are gonnna make sure my body is ok -- and I dont fuck myself up too much -- right ? I believe that in the back of your thoughts you all know the truth of what your doing and creating right ?? and thnkks for being connected to me -- kirk - sean -- ah - rick - kirk tv any thoughts ? let me know just framing the dialouge -- tell me -- what your thinking -- k ok -- all "dis-eased" thoughts are surrounded by love and return to the source to be healed -- in peace - joy and safety-- and wishing you "A miracle of healing -- wherever you need it..." in light k and I think its true - the closer you become to living an authentic life that -- the more your "false" self will "act-out" so if your having a hard time then that means your close to touching your true self -- does that make sense -- let me know -
Currently watching :
Pee-wee's Big Adventure
hey - hey -- just taking the time to remind all my shamen - poet - mystics bros here - all the men and women who read my blog -- thinking some thoughts today about remembering the "Zen" and non-attatchment... they say a master can look upon anything without judgement...and simply go to the next thing right ? no matter what ? I try to remember that power does not imply benevalance sp? nor morality -- it's simply a state of owning -- your power - I truly think that love is the underlining principal of the matrixx here -- and that when you finish here and go to the next "level" your life does flash beffore you almost like a review of what you did and said and what your intentions were -- its true -- the more evolved you get the harder it becomes -- you have the knowledge but the body has not quite been carved to meet the mind -- or spirit -- i try to say what i mean and mean what i say and have my internal environment match the external one -- thats true power -- to me, being aligned with your thoughts and feelings and your body -- at once -- and then taking action - the Zen -- to me that means letting the dream of life and the illsuion here simply float by without grabbing onto a judgement - it takes practice - kinda like a Nentindo game or something -- right >? pain can help you sometimes and i think its important to own your feelings but also clear out the ones that dont belong to you and - or the "projections" from others.... there is always the help of the universe or love or angels or whatever you believe in as your higher power -- or that the universe just spills out of you according to your beliefs and thoughts ? As a "Co-creator..." It all kinda seems worth it today -- all the yesterdays are gone and the future has not manifested yet -- try to figure out the mantra that plays in your head all day and then change it accordingly-- to what you want to manifest -- make sure your crown and brow chakras are clean and flooded with love b/c alot of NEg energy gets stuck there and people/and -- energies that are trying to influence your thoughts -- hang out there -- so alot of your thoughts are from others -- if your the psychic "sensitive" that I'am..and i know most of you are -- I try to affirm: "my energy is going exactly where it is needed --" or "I have all the energy I need right now..-- my crown chakra is flooded with love -- __." Intention -- you hear alot of shit in your head all day right ? how you act and re-act and what you think are 2 different things -- i try to affirm -- thoughts of "light" or "love" when i feel attacked -- and try to remember that everyone is a miror -- is that really true ? My first rection is attack -- right back but then and I try to stop it -- I try to stop my attack on others and let go -- the psychic attacks and emotional ones and fill the energies around me with or surround them with love .... I try not to "project" my BS onto others and remember that I'am looking at life through the filters of my pain and fears and sometimes -- yeAh -- prejudices -- I try to forgive -- what i think -- people have done to me -- or as my therapist used to always say: "well kirk -- that was your experience - but it doesnt mean thats what was going on..." Angels in disguise -- just helping you -- right ??? It's true -- this year i almost "exited" this realm after allowing my body to shut down -- or forcing it to -- I was Tired - man -- but then all my friends and family gave me love - and I decided to stay -- here -- in this body -- what a year -- and yeah all the angels I saw in the hospital was totally worth it -- also -- esp my nurses -"Rose" and "pearl" and the over night nurse who called "sweety" all the time and dosed me with Pecodans... what a wild ride -- i hope to remind you that really its all a good time -- even the worst of times - its a beautiufl pain - i guess -- carving and letting go so you can create in a more clear and concise manner -- through the weight of the material world -- heaven on earth ? well -- i hope so -- and yeah heres to you - all the masters doing the work to enlighten the world and show love warmth and support in whatever your obstacles are - I've had alot of breakdowns here -- and a breakdown is simply all the suppressed - feelings and thoughts clearing out -- SEE Kundalini -- but I got through it all -- by remembering that a state of love is the truer reality - and of course, by watching "Pee Wees Big adventrure" Video everyday that i felt like offing myself....hahaa - hey man -- it worked -- I'am still here - I mean the 22 spirits that use my body to work here on the material plane>>// I think are gonnna make sure my body is ok -- and I dont fuck myself up too much -- right ? I believe that in the back of your thoughts you all know the truth of what your doing and creating right ?? and thnkks for being connected to me -- kirk - sean -- ah - rick - kirk tv any thoughts ? let me know just framing the dialouge -- tell me -- what your thinking -- k ok -- all "dis-eased" thoughts are surrounded by love and return to the source to be healed -- in peace - joy and safety-- and wishing you "A miracle of healing -- wherever you need it..." in light k and I think its true - the closer you become to living an authentic life that -- the more your "false" self will "act-out" so if your having a hard time then that means your close to touching your true self -- does that make sense -- let me know -
Currently watching :
Pee-wee's Big Adventure
sunday....
Saturday, December 16, 2006
blog entry for my space
some saturday poems and stuff.... Current mood: horny - but not desperate... Category: horny - but not desperate... Writing and Poetry
>>> it's a warm saturday in december -- I'am in the house here and feeling kinda weepy and sad and good and light...I'am listening to Damien Rice and feelin kinda stoned and wanting to give someone some love and be held...and hold someone with care...and don't know who that that is...and i am torn by my love and hatred for Jona, and all the boys i love and am inpsired by --- and all the poetry that seems to spill out of me at times like today... so i went through my lap-top and found some things I thought I wanted to share... old poems, past crushes and some other things I'll download for you now to share... yeah I just want to sit in my melancholy and roam....maybe through all the feelings and pain and love.... you are... christmas... the cool brezze the touch on the back of my neck... wet puppies escaping the bathtub on saturday... the softer kiss the first snowflake white irises white truffles chocolate ice cream the one to make me cry the one whoose warmth I treasure the pouty boredom that makes me crazy in love with you -- you are... >>>>>>>>>>> sept 05 covered in demons solace no more night of winter heat peeling skin reticence transformed >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> heres another -- an angry one: a fuck u to: all the catholic pedophiles who fucked innocent young boys in the name of jesus in the sacrement room -- and as an apology to all the young beautiful guys who never made it this far -- as far as i did because they werent mean enough -- hard enough - smart enough -- or maybe didnt have enough angels to protect them from the haters of the world -- yeah this is dedicated to all the queens who could'nt hide the fact that they loved a man or couldn't fall into line with the fascist gender personaes : and were beaten to a pulp and no one ever heard about it or cared -- and to mathew sheppard esp who as you know was hung on a chain link fence in a tiny little town ...left to die and suffer while so many self satisfied haters slept like babies comforted by the illusion that their "god" loved them ... yeah tonight iam red hot -- hot on fire in rage -- and it burns me alive -- and forces the blood into my wings -- making me stronger and more brilliant than lightning and louder than some screaming thunder that will ring in your ears always when you think of me -- it was either fall into the abyss forever or fly....like the speed of light -- goin fast--mother fucker -- dont blink or youll miss me across the sky--- my mantra was always: "the more they attack the stronger I become..." in this life -- it has to be... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> american beauty (a rough draft...) be like water... the carousel be like water -- be "at-ease..." its a balmy clear 74 degrees couldnt be a more perfect sunday afternoon in newport beach - california...a place called: "fashion island..." kitchen confessions - b/c everything happens in the kitchen -- i seem - today to have a strange -- in the zone -- too much coffe but not really wired and kinda blissful reality ---and a strange type of gait -- like: Hey man -- I'am in my 40s and I dont really care if Iam "older..." my balls are sagging to my knees and kinda heavy and my dick's swinging around and its kinda big -- and -- I'am kinda, wide eyed, staring at all the beautiful - beautiful boys and girls in their 20s -- oh my god, there so so beautiful and kinda tradgic and i was one of them -- well, i used to be -- i gaze upon them floating by with a glassy eyed stare...in this giant -- way too exspensive, outdoor -- southern Califonia mall... As i wander and pace around the carousel - it becomes well, it becomes really twisted -- yeah, all twisted but i like it - kinda like a strange, yeah, beautiful dream -- but like i said all twisted and painful like shiny glass... i need something to eat - i think of my mom up on the million-billion dollar hill with all the houses and shiny pretty lights and having all the confessions in the kitchen and i feel like iam going to pass out... I start to have an anxiety attack -- actually like everything is getting blurry and i think for a minute -- perhaps i might have a heart-attack and then stop and pray and affirm--- "I'am surround by angels ---" "I'am surrounded by angels..." and just then... I go to a concierge desk and stand there and then an angel appears -- same one as the one in the hospital almost a year ago. i shook b/c he heard me and appeared now behind the concierge desk -- with those, oh my god, light green kinda yellow - light blue eyes and brown hair -- full of that: unconditional love smile -- and i stated to tear up -- and he said -- "Can i help you...?" and smiled that clear perfect smile that only comes from god... i was so happy to see him again...this angel that appears to me - wearing disguises but really -- it's always the same angel... i see a tabacco shop sign but iam not sure where it is -- i wander further througout fashion island -- theres a hired "a chirstmas carol" type of family -- tiny tim -- and its so unbeievable - to see this -- the period type clothes...and three "dickens-esque" characters smiling and having their photo opportunity...in 70 degree weather... passing by me are: blonde, bolndee abercrombie-zombie, way too much plastic surgery, babes -- driving the ultra, ultra high end --BMWs and black raodsters speeding around the parking lot -- their hair is perfect and streaked -- the jewlery is perfect -- the cut of the blouses to show off the rack -- the very, very exspensive set of tits----- that look hot and kinda fake - and still really turn on the average "straight" bro and make them pay a fortune in dinners and cocktails simply to grace them with a pearl necklace -- ah yeah fuck yeah--- and this is really is the only place that women like this dont get a second look because there so many of them and really -- they all look the same - they all flip their hair to the side in the same way.... they -- -- all have: that pouty i'am so fuckin rich and bored -- kinda satisfied smile that says -- ah yeah -- fuck yeah - i got the cash and the tits and I'am still kinda young -- and I live in newport -- maybe did a line of cocaine or two with breakfast --- and now i'am gonna go shopping -- yeah i got the fur coat and i'll trade up on ur ass in a flat newport beach minute -- if you cut my allowance --- or don't give me enough diamonds...or treat me like a queen...for a minute two of them drive by and almost resemble two transsexual hookers on 45th street that i saw years ago --in hellz kitchen -- blonde and blue eyed...and ah, well perfect...and it all makes sense -- and it's all so beautiful... and yeah and I start to cry...and feel the ocean breeze and know that I'am home... I came home for the holidays... this is where I came from... but I'am no where near what I used to be....No -- I'am different now.... I'am still beautiful but in a different way...from the inside out instead of the the other way around.... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> In the silence -- an excerpt... in between the particles lies the silence the particles of our carbon and what we are a swirling maze of god of breath and life in between the particles there is the silence of renewal and regret grief and the ungraced page the silence allows the fragile and tender to escape knowing it's own why bringing renewal perhaps the divine the slience is our savoiur and curse it contains the only story and from the moment we open our eyes we can not bear to touch it >>>>>>>>>ok...well thats it for now -- thnkxx for reading -- warm and hugs and -- more k
Currently watching :
A Christmas Carol (Original B&W Version)
Release date: By 02 Novemb
blog entry for my space
some saturday poems and stuff.... Current mood: horny - but not desperate... Category: horny - but not desperate... Writing and Poetry
>>> it's a warm saturday in december -- I'am in the house here and feeling kinda weepy and sad and good and light...I'am listening to Damien Rice and feelin kinda stoned and wanting to give someone some love and be held...and hold someone with care...and don't know who that that is...and i am torn by my love and hatred for Jona, and all the boys i love and am inpsired by --- and all the poetry that seems to spill out of me at times like today... so i went through my lap-top and found some things I thought I wanted to share... old poems, past crushes and some other things I'll download for you now to share... yeah I just want to sit in my melancholy and roam....maybe through all the feelings and pain and love.... you are... christmas... the cool brezze the touch on the back of my neck... wet puppies escaping the bathtub on saturday... the softer kiss the first snowflake white irises white truffles chocolate ice cream the one to make me cry the one whoose warmth I treasure the pouty boredom that makes me crazy in love with you -- you are... >>>>>>>>>>> sept 05 covered in demons solace no more night of winter heat peeling skin reticence transformed >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> heres another -- an angry one: a fuck u to: all the catholic pedophiles who fucked innocent young boys in the name of jesus in the sacrement room -- and as an apology to all the young beautiful guys who never made it this far -- as far as i did because they werent mean enough -- hard enough - smart enough -- or maybe didnt have enough angels to protect them from the haters of the world -- yeah this is dedicated to all the queens who could'nt hide the fact that they loved a man or couldn't fall into line with the fascist gender personaes : and were beaten to a pulp and no one ever heard about it or cared -- and to mathew sheppard esp who as you know was hung on a chain link fence in a tiny little town ...left to die and suffer while so many self satisfied haters slept like babies comforted by the illusion that their "god" loved them ... yeah tonight iam red hot -- hot on fire in rage -- and it burns me alive -- and forces the blood into my wings -- making me stronger and more brilliant than lightning and louder than some screaming thunder that will ring in your ears always when you think of me -- it was either fall into the abyss forever or fly....like the speed of light -- goin fast--mother fucker -- dont blink or youll miss me across the sky--- my mantra was always: "the more they attack the stronger I become..." in this life -- it has to be... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> american beauty (a rough draft...) be like water... the carousel be like water -- be "at-ease..." its a balmy clear 74 degrees couldnt be a more perfect sunday afternoon in newport beach - california...a place called: "fashion island..." kitchen confessions - b/c everything happens in the kitchen -- i seem - today to have a strange -- in the zone -- too much coffe but not really wired and kinda blissful reality ---and a strange type of gait -- like: Hey man -- I'am in my 40s and I dont really care if Iam "older..." my balls are sagging to my knees and kinda heavy and my dick's swinging around and its kinda big -- and -- I'am kinda, wide eyed, staring at all the beautiful - beautiful boys and girls in their 20s -- oh my god, there so so beautiful and kinda tradgic and i was one of them -- well, i used to be -- i gaze upon them floating by with a glassy eyed stare...in this giant -- way too exspensive, outdoor -- southern Califonia mall... As i wander and pace around the carousel - it becomes well, it becomes really twisted -- yeah, all twisted but i like it - kinda like a strange, yeah, beautiful dream -- but like i said all twisted and painful like shiny glass... i need something to eat - i think of my mom up on the million-billion dollar hill with all the houses and shiny pretty lights and having all the confessions in the kitchen and i feel like iam going to pass out... I start to have an anxiety attack -- actually like everything is getting blurry and i think for a minute -- perhaps i might have a heart-attack and then stop and pray and affirm--- "I'am surround by angels ---" "I'am surrounded by angels..." and just then... I go to a concierge desk and stand there and then an angel appears -- same one as the one in the hospital almost a year ago. i shook b/c he heard me and appeared now behind the concierge desk -- with those, oh my god, light green kinda yellow - light blue eyes and brown hair -- full of that: unconditional love smile -- and i stated to tear up -- and he said -- "Can i help you...?" and smiled that clear perfect smile that only comes from god... i was so happy to see him again...this angel that appears to me - wearing disguises but really -- it's always the same angel... i see a tabacco shop sign but iam not sure where it is -- i wander further througout fashion island -- theres a hired "a chirstmas carol" type of family -- tiny tim -- and its so unbeievable - to see this -- the period type clothes...and three "dickens-esque" characters smiling and having their photo opportunity...in 70 degree weather... passing by me are: blonde, bolndee abercrombie-zombie, way too much plastic surgery, babes -- driving the ultra, ultra high end --BMWs and black raodsters speeding around the parking lot -- their hair is perfect and streaked -- the jewlery is perfect -- the cut of the blouses to show off the rack -- the very, very exspensive set of tits----- that look hot and kinda fake - and still really turn on the average "straight" bro and make them pay a fortune in dinners and cocktails simply to grace them with a pearl necklace -- ah yeah fuck yeah--- and this is really is the only place that women like this dont get a second look because there so many of them and really -- they all look the same - they all flip their hair to the side in the same way.... they -- -- all have: that pouty i'am so fuckin rich and bored -- kinda satisfied smile that says -- ah yeah -- fuck yeah - i got the cash and the tits and I'am still kinda young -- and I live in newport -- maybe did a line of cocaine or two with breakfast --- and now i'am gonna go shopping -- yeah i got the fur coat and i'll trade up on ur ass in a flat newport beach minute -- if you cut my allowance --- or don't give me enough diamonds...or treat me like a queen...for a minute two of them drive by and almost resemble two transsexual hookers on 45th street that i saw years ago --in hellz kitchen -- blonde and blue eyed...and ah, well perfect...and it all makes sense -- and it's all so beautiful... and yeah and I start to cry...and feel the ocean breeze and know that I'am home... I came home for the holidays... this is where I came from... but I'am no where near what I used to be....No -- I'am different now.... I'am still beautiful but in a different way...from the inside out instead of the the other way around.... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> In the silence -- an excerpt... in between the particles lies the silence the particles of our carbon and what we are a swirling maze of god of breath and life in between the particles there is the silence of renewal and regret grief and the ungraced page the silence allows the fragile and tender to escape knowing it's own why bringing renewal perhaps the divine the slience is our savoiur and curse it contains the only story and from the moment we open our eyes we can not bear to touch it >>>>>>>>>ok...well thats it for now -- thnkxx for reading -- warm and hugs and -- more k
Currently watching :
A Christmas Carol (Original B&W Version)
Release date: By 02 Novemb
Angry - lonely - god...
sunday jan 07 hav a copy
january 7:15am
angry - lonely, god
music can not soothe me...
sleep eludes me...
death - does not want me...
and love can not find me...
>>> Another grey, souless sky wafts over the sno-globe of manhattan...
6-15am...i awake...
two hours of sleep and change...
to be numb and in pain...
to be numb and in pain...
to be numb.
and in pain...
never escaping the maddening eyes,
the eyes in a sky that never seems blue
or without a purpose to remind...
the curse...
to be surrounded by so many lost children...
to be awake around all the sleeping souls
seduced by diamonds and gold...
insomnia...and the forlorn riot
that seems to occur between the ears...
perhaps from my eyes...
from the cold and clouded sky above
or all the dark water below...
standing....
there...
never really drowning...
unable to fly...
awake.
and unable to escape...
no sleep.
not even with chemicals...
no, there are not enough chemicals,
nor maybe - even angels...
who can stop the parade
of noise and something they call fear, here...
the sleeping pills are not strong enough -
the coffee is not strong enough...
the pain: alaways dull, never focusing...
the candels lit, under a sky of pain...
i'am.
an angry - lonely god, tonight...
and eventhough - the sun may shine above me...
or children may play and run past me...
the sky
my sky is black...
but it is not a clean black...
or a hard black...
it is a wall...of black...
>>>>>>my favorite position...
seems to be, sitting on the edge of my bed...
with my hands - cupping my face
and trying to wash away...
the black...
is there anyone to call?
no.
is there anyone who is lonely - like me, ??
that can
hold it ?
no.
is there anyone thAt can find the light -- of my eyes...
i turn the light on...
there is black...
i turn the lights off - there is black...
i can not escape and am trapped in the purity
of sound and color and knowing...
>>>i'am the only one...
yes -
cursed
and cursed to live - here - in this body...
stuck here, sucking blood, out of boredom or need...
watching all the batman's and robin's enter my bed...
and fly, and look and dance...
and then leave...
a long trail of -- nothing -- actually...
there is never a real explosion...
and never - a real heat,
nor ever a real orgasm...
or hug - or even a slap...across anywhere
that could wake, any of them up -- into seeing me...
or feeling me,
or touching me, or being there...
>>>cigarettes burn down...
i make the coffee stronger, think about popping all the vicadins and ambiens, and co-tylenols...
(i wonder here -- just who is it - that names the names: gives the names - to all the pretty chemicals...halfing promising to fix everything but never, really, working the way that god can...
or in an instant...
completely, re-arrange your soul, or body -- to become something else...
A "God"
can never return to -- not - being a "god..."
he is still a god...
and angry god...
a lonely god...
a forsaken god...as all his worshippers run or forget him...
he is still...a god...
>>>>>>>>>>
life here...
beyond the viel, appears to be about too much lust...
or too many boys...
and young -- kinda half-rageful demi-gods
spraying their needs, maybe naked, in front of me...
all over my bed...
squirting their best -- all over me...
no.
not even the most beautiful, can make me forget...
other loves from other worlds -- and lifetimes...
one soul...
with many lifetimes...
the bodies that i have -- "incarnated" and carried and passed through time...yes: have changed...
but i'am the same...in every lifetime...
always the same...awake at dawn..
always lighting the candles...
be it in a monastery...
a cave...
a buddhist temple...
a brothel...
another man's bed...
or mine...
always the same, forsaken, wanting...
the same body.
the same conversation...
the same - soul...
my soul...
wanting to go home...to be with god...
and dissolved into...
nothingness...
and this light...that i carry and evelopes me...
and makes me -- reminds me of my home...
golden and makes all bow and kneel...
it never seems to fade:
no...
it just seems to grow brighter: cursing me still...
>>>>>
all the names that connect to the bodies...
and the pills, and the sea of alcohol...
and the manifestations of this world...
are but shawdows...
compared to the ultimate sea...of love ?
power, spark
light...
cosmos....something...
an energy
that will not take me...
i suppose now - that i'am forced to recant a few tales...
here for your pleasure, be it carnal or banal...
and here it is:....
because unconciouness and the netherworld of forgetting escapes me every fucking - waking minute....
that also, i have some vague idea that sometime, somehwere, there might be some other - lonely - angry god to talk to...
or seduce into entering me and transforming my solace into something other than -- this un-ending love....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
i take my meds...
some are blue and some are white
and some are red...
and yes i'am immortal...
by very virtue of what i'am///
i can not die...
yes, it is true that if i severed my head from the rest of my body that indeed i would transform...
into what?
just another body in this material world...and have to accrue all the simple plans and fears again: only to shed them, again...
only to die again but never - ever - really die....
again...
simply -- walk through another path -- strewn with the same, dull panic and wanting...and walking around -- half parched...
never really dying of thirst...
my thirst never really quenched...
and all the while drowning...
and falling, but never really swimming...
or seeing the door -- to the upper floors of light and the always missing the hallway...
>>>>>>>the universe seems to re-arrange...
but i'am never cold or hot or weak or strong...
but always looking...
they all promise love and none of them know what it is...
no - they don't know what it is....
>>>>>>i take my meds...
you take your meds...
we all take our meds....
and the world just spins around and around and around...
it stops and starts and freeze and blows apart
and gets re-created again
and we all just take our meds....
trying to commit to someting
but organic tv dinners and smoking is the only thing i can think of right now...
and yeah maybe finding, the "one" -- yep
just like everybody else...
more on this later...
i love you
sean
january 7:15am
angry - lonely, god
music can not soothe me...
sleep eludes me...
death - does not want me...
and love can not find me...
>>> Another grey, souless sky wafts over the sno-globe of manhattan...
6-15am...i awake...
two hours of sleep and change...
to be numb and in pain...
to be numb and in pain...
to be numb.
and in pain...
never escaping the maddening eyes,
the eyes in a sky that never seems blue
or without a purpose to remind...
the curse...
to be surrounded by so many lost children...
to be awake around all the sleeping souls
seduced by diamonds and gold...
insomnia...and the forlorn riot
that seems to occur between the ears...
perhaps from my eyes...
from the cold and clouded sky above
or all the dark water below...
standing....
there...
never really drowning...
unable to fly...
awake.
and unable to escape...
no sleep.
not even with chemicals...
no, there are not enough chemicals,
nor maybe - even angels...
who can stop the parade
of noise and something they call fear, here...
the sleeping pills are not strong enough -
the coffee is not strong enough...
the pain: alaways dull, never focusing...
the candels lit, under a sky of pain...
i'am.
an angry - lonely god, tonight...
and eventhough - the sun may shine above me...
or children may play and run past me...
the sky
my sky is black...
but it is not a clean black...
or a hard black...
it is a wall...of black...
>>>>>>my favorite position...
seems to be, sitting on the edge of my bed...
with my hands - cupping my face
and trying to wash away...
the black...
is there anyone to call?
no.
is there anyone who is lonely - like me, ??
that can
hold it ?
no.
is there anyone thAt can find the light -- of my eyes...
i turn the light on...
there is black...
i turn the lights off - there is black...
i can not escape and am trapped in the purity
of sound and color and knowing...
>>>i'am the only one...
yes -
cursed
and cursed to live - here - in this body...
stuck here, sucking blood, out of boredom or need...
watching all the batman's and robin's enter my bed...
and fly, and look and dance...
and then leave...
a long trail of -- nothing -- actually...
there is never a real explosion...
and never - a real heat,
nor ever a real orgasm...
or hug - or even a slap...across anywhere
that could wake, any of them up -- into seeing me...
or feeling me,
or touching me, or being there...
>>>cigarettes burn down...
i make the coffee stronger, think about popping all the vicadins and ambiens, and co-tylenols...
(i wonder here -- just who is it - that names the names: gives the names - to all the pretty chemicals...halfing promising to fix everything but never, really, working the way that god can...
or in an instant...
completely, re-arrange your soul, or body -- to become something else...
A "God"
can never return to -- not - being a "god..."
he is still a god...
and angry god...
a lonely god...
a forsaken god...as all his worshippers run or forget him...
he is still...a god...
>>>>>>>>>>
life here...
beyond the viel, appears to be about too much lust...
or too many boys...
and young -- kinda half-rageful demi-gods
spraying their needs, maybe naked, in front of me...
all over my bed...
squirting their best -- all over me...
no.
not even the most beautiful, can make me forget...
other loves from other worlds -- and lifetimes...
one soul...
with many lifetimes...
the bodies that i have -- "incarnated" and carried and passed through time...yes: have changed...
but i'am the same...in every lifetime...
always the same...awake at dawn..
always lighting the candles...
be it in a monastery...
a cave...
a buddhist temple...
a brothel...
another man's bed...
or mine...
always the same, forsaken, wanting...
the same body.
the same conversation...
the same - soul...
my soul...
wanting to go home...to be with god...
and dissolved into...
nothingness...
and this light...that i carry and evelopes me...
and makes me -- reminds me of my home...
golden and makes all bow and kneel...
it never seems to fade:
no...
it just seems to grow brighter: cursing me still...
>>>>>
all the names that connect to the bodies...
and the pills, and the sea of alcohol...
and the manifestations of this world...
are but shawdows...
compared to the ultimate sea...of love ?
power, spark
light...
cosmos....something...
an energy
that will not take me...
i suppose now - that i'am forced to recant a few tales...
here for your pleasure, be it carnal or banal...
and here it is:....
because unconciouness and the netherworld of forgetting escapes me every fucking - waking minute....
that also, i have some vague idea that sometime, somehwere, there might be some other - lonely - angry god to talk to...
or seduce into entering me and transforming my solace into something other than -- this un-ending love....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
i take my meds...
some are blue and some are white
and some are red...
and yes i'am immortal...
by very virtue of what i'am///
i can not die...
yes, it is true that if i severed my head from the rest of my body that indeed i would transform...
into what?
just another body in this material world...and have to accrue all the simple plans and fears again: only to shed them, again...
only to die again but never - ever - really die....
again...
simply -- walk through another path -- strewn with the same, dull panic and wanting...and walking around -- half parched...
never really dying of thirst...
my thirst never really quenched...
and all the while drowning...
and falling, but never really swimming...
or seeing the door -- to the upper floors of light and the always missing the hallway...
>>>>>>>the universe seems to re-arrange...
but i'am never cold or hot or weak or strong...
but always looking...
they all promise love and none of them know what it is...
no - they don't know what it is....
>>>>>>i take my meds...
you take your meds...
we all take our meds....
and the world just spins around and around and around...
it stops and starts and freeze and blows apart
and gets re-created again
and we all just take our meds....
trying to commit to someting
but organic tv dinners and smoking is the only thing i can think of right now...
and yeah maybe finding, the "one" -- yep
just like everybody else...
more on this later...
i love you
sean
sean's Blue Pajamas - part five
my blue pajamas -- part five --
>>>>
from the time i could remember...
from the first time i opened my eyes - and was born here --
in this "incarnation..."
it was nothing but 1 hundred - million miles, an hour...
hit the ground running --
in this life...
think fast -- look out!
jump fast -- dodge this and duck that --
100 per-cent screaming fear..and panic..
no time to think.. sort it out, figure it out...
or let it be...
it was all fear and a series of shocks and traumas...
the speed of anreniline:
of trying to get away from the truth - and always trying to cover up the truth with...
lies ?
: or some lie that gets and becomes layered...
and coated and painted over and buried...
until, really, you don't even remember what you were trying to cover up --- or what the lie was about or even what the truth behind it all is or was or if it even mattered...
i can only imagine that when you die -- ah -- "trasform" into the next life, that all those lies..those pretty - pretyy bleached blonde-boob - job, hollywood air kiss mutha-fucking lies....the dirty ones and the ugly ones --
just dissolve away in the light of the creator or whatever you chose to call "god..."
like some kind of ecstasy...
an incredible relief...
the faint rememrance of what you were -- before here...
GOD.....
what they told me....(circa 1970s)
>>>>>god --
yes. there was some unknown force that was out to get you -- (man...) and that force was called: god the all mighty : yeah, all mighty god ...and all seeing god, gonna get you, no matter what you do, >>>>>>> god....
yeah:
it was only a matter of time before "he" found you out to be an evil and non worthy soul and spirit that desreved to be destroyed...
but first, humilated and drug through the mud...
or worse..but def -- was gonna get>>>punishment....
yeah
wicked -- voices began in my head....
i'd never escape --
you'd never escape -- and we were all trapped - and hopeless...no way out....in this life: (i was told)
you suffered...for any infraction...anything you did -- that was less than perfect...
religion: as much as it promises to keep everyone in line...what it actually does is makes everyone afraid and scared and angry and well makes everyone react and act out...
out of frustration and pain and fear - fear and fear and more fear...yeah, life, here, i learned was about fear...
and punishment....
fear...
fear that looks like fear and fear that doesn't look like fear...
fear: it looks like addiction and greed, and police brutality and dis-ease and mental illness...but no -- no one here can see its all the same dis-ease...the same panic...
I'am trapped --
your trapped...and yeah death and whithering is immeninet and the only way to escape or make sure you have a good time along the way....
m-o-n-e-y....and yeah as you read this -- someone - somewhere is being killed for it....you can take that -- ah to the bank bro....as they say...
voices in ur head...
voices in my head...
a fragmented calling -- a projection of scarcity -- of god or love or safety....the panic - the sedation, sedating the pain...kill the pain...whamm -- ur gonna be sent to hell no matter what...the fear...the pain: manifesting as something outside me...yeah the entire world seems to stil think the enemy lies outside...
in another country...
in another part of the country, in another neighboorhood...in another person's home, or mind or body: but never theres...it just seems inconcievable that we are the enemy...and the enemy is in our heads...and the pain is ours to hold...
or heal or let go of...
yeah the terrorist lies within... all of us...we are the terrorists, to ourselves and everyone around us...
because we live in fear...and refuse to own it...and so it goes...the psychic riot, over our heads, and broadcast as the main attraction -- on the six o clock news...and in every fashion magazine, and tv commercial...the pressure to fit in and be like everyone else...and look like eveyone else...and be like everyone else...and yeah just fucking live in fear...and pretned -- it isn't really ever there, and that it always belongs to someone else....
the voices...
my voices....
panic...at first, seeming, like far away...and then, from deep inside you -- (always) gaining momentum -
ready to strike...
pulverize..and punish....your tiny (little) body...
god and his angels, the church and the police...
ready to enforce "god's law..."
retribution...
eternal dammnation...
if christ could hear the cries of the "saints" here, he'd break down to tears wondering how: a message that says:
"love thy neighboor..." could get twisted into...
"god hate fags"....or something to that effect...
terror...
can't let it out and afraid to let it in....
your trapped -- here --
with all these fucked up - nuerotic adults who are so far removed from "God" and waht that is...panicked and worshiiping the god of fear -- created and promoted here...and if you don't -- then youll be punished...
and punished good bro --
you have to promise here, to tell the truth, but--
if -----
you ever do, really tell the truth, -- then baiscally -- your dead...
yeah just like chirst...
he died because he told the truth..
god is everywhere -- but if you watch Tv -- they tell you he's nowhere to be found...
except of course in a really exspensive house or car or diamond ring -- or in a great piece of ass, or a big dick...
god - or comfort -- to be had...in the material world...in material things...diefying everything but:
-- what god really is...
this is what you learn...here -- in the material world...
what we all learned and fight against and enforce and are slaves to...
whatever you call it: the beast -- or "the lie.." or the "Grand illusion..."
or the "human condition" whatever "it" is --
thats what you learn....
you learn to destroy -- yourself or get on the road to doing it -- fast or slow...
thats what i saw when i was 12---13-- 17--18-- 25-35-40...
yeah just the world -- dying from fear...
and god is on vacation...so good luck and praise "god" and pass the ammunition....
it's somebodies fault but not mine and not yours..
it's theres...
(point and shoot...)
ready - aim -- fire....
i think i weighed around 120 pounds until high school...
my waist was like a 26 or 27...i was a small framed 5-6 foot tall...wired little man....
afraid to let anything in or anything out...like I said...
afraid to breathe...yeah -
>>>>>>>>>welcome to the pleasure dome.......
(of this reality)...
nothing but fear -- here...
15 years old and full of nothing ------------but fear....
my eyes glazed over and vacant...
someone handed me some "grass" to smoke or some cocaine -- or a six [ack then fuck yeah ---
yep this has to be the answer to all this fear....
ah -- yeah 16 years old and a full blown coke addict -- sniffin my life away while mommy and daddy were drinking G and Ts at the club....
fasten your seat belt...
i became i full fledge cocaine addict age the age...of 16...
yeah --this was ((this lifetime)) was going to be one hell of a ride...
by age 17 i'd allready been sexually assaulted by my two cousins - an uncle, my father's secretary - and my sisters...
and a few of my father's construction company (kinda studly) workers....
my finger had been cut- off -
my head had been split open...>>>to the point of me being unconcious for over an hour...
our house had caught on fire because my dad left something in the oven and passed out...
i was a millionaire's son and didn't even know it...
i had something that everyone seemed to want and still i was a virgin...
pure and untouched in alot of ways...
with no idea -- how to protect myself...
grasp my innocence or keep it from being raped right outta me...but of course, it was....
yeah -- it seemed like everyone wanted what was in my pants...
>>>>>>>>>>
i was hospitalized around 12 for pnuemonia...and almost died...
everytime the nurses left the room --- i pulled the IV right out of my arm...and whatever they were spilling into my viens -- coated the bed and my body -- then i'd pass out -- and they'd find me - half dead...laying there wet from saline solution...
lost in space...mumbling..."I want to go home..."
"home" i was referring to "home" as in back to heaven....
with god...but i don't think anyone ever guessed thats what i was referring to...
the hospital...
eventually they strapped me to the bed...tied my wrists down so i couldn't move...for a week --- strapped with my hands to my sides...until i was better...
yeah -- i sure was better after that...
starring in some weird ass like german bondage medical porn flick like dream...ah - nightmare...
my step mom came in every afternoon and brought -- Batman comic books...and read them to me and turned the pages...
then when the nurses were not looking she untied my arms if i promised not to pull the IV needle out of my arm...
i had....these eyes that said -- "old, old, soul...egyptian prince, royalty, something elite, untouchable..."
olive skin -- clear, knowing hazel-blue eyes - a naturally athletic tone to my body skinny as i was...
my body was perfect in many ways...my mind forozen from all the traumas
and all ready two near death expeirnces --
after awhile...
i was, just-- "not there" anymore...
after awhile i went into complete fantasy...
the colors became alive...in my own world....
another world inside...where I could fly away....
>>>>>>>
you escape in your mind --
become the "batman" or some other dark angel...
become something fantastic and surreal and maybe even divine...or
otherwordly...
but on the outside -- nothing can touch you -- you go to "Sean-land" the Batcave...
go somewhere else -- leaving your body...
kind of just blank and vacant...
"ive got get away..."
"I've got to commit suicide..."
i want to get out of here...
(was all i could think...)
i'd find way to remove myself...as soon as i could getuntied from the hospital bed....
one afternoon the thought occured to me:
"I'am gonna drink this acid and then: i'll be done..."
>>>>>>>>>>>>
i sit on my hellz kitchen fire escape smokig organic cigarettes...
i ponder all that has occurred...
Ive been through every transformation possible - even that of death - many times over...
i'd still give my last dime for a smoke...or my last two bucks for a few minutes at the porno-video booths in times square for a free blow job...taking a cock or a load...and then winking to the "dollar changer" dude on the way out...a hot, fresh load, ooozing out of my ass....
and a big grin on my face....
I'd still rather sit on the street with the losers or loners than bask in the light of a vip lounge with the liars...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
i believe:
the pahtway to heaven is lined with the fires of hell...
and the crucible of transformation...
the pain of love and the alienation of "the other..."
you have to know and learn the power and gentleness of light
and love...
withstand the chilling cold of truth revealed...
the darkness of wanting...
and the wholeness of spirit...
the value of the soul and the body---
and the gold that resides in the heart...
am i angel that fell into the hellish pit of the material world???
-- forever dammed to have the remembrance of heaven - and light?
or am i a demon?
crawling steadily from the pit of darkness into a light eternally burning me - soothing me and guiding me ?
i can not say --
it is my wish that something Ive done here has healed someone - somehwere...that is all...
psychics and fortune tellers tell me that I'am a
"god on earth"
a truly incarnated "divine being..."
a teacher...
a master in disguise...
laying in the gutters of poetry...
and languishing in the trenches of poverty...
>>>
my girl friends in college often told me that i was the: "devil.." or
"totally evil.." or
"wicked and cruel..."
and my personal fav...
"a latent homo-sexual..."
my fiance' screamed at me in a mykonos hotel suite...
"your the most disgusting person i've ever, met, and i never want to see you again..."
(that was after she found out that i got fucked on the beach by some hollywood soap opera star -- thenight we got ingaged to be married....
the men i have had sex or affairs with have asked me:
"are you half (puerto) rican ?" i was blessed with a dong like that of a "Beercan."
guyz tell me or have said :
"you have the dick of a porn star..."
and "jesus god -- that ass...tastes so good..."
or
"i wanna fuck you again...it feels so good in there..."
i always jus say: "Ok..."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
my family just thinks I'am strange and lost...
and my friends truly love me....fear me, adore me -- respect me and accept me...
all things considered I'am glad ( I think ) that i made the trip here...(and incarnated)
I know that there happens to be a good many angels watching over me and protecting me...
night and day...
they sit on my bed and watch me sleep --
they cry when i'am sad
and they
rejoice when i'am happy...
they healed me when i was almost dead and dying...
they told me secrets and gave me love...
and reminded me of who I'am...
my last boyfriend called me:
"The masterpiece of angels."
i think I'am a very rich man indeed to know all the angels and angel-humans and kinda somewhat demons and lost souls and shinning masters who have crossed my path...
all the people that hurt me - healed me or held me....
but
right now my bed is empty....
i'am alone but not lonely...
some think me god - some say beast - others say demon and some differ to angel...
most of the time I simply -- actually, just forget that I'an here...like i told you...
a projection of something physical...
ah i dunno -
you tell me --
ive given you my best -- perhaps made you hard with arousal -- or told you the gold of my heart, showered something light into your soul...or brought some poetry to your life...
it's your turn now to whisper your secrets to me...
tell me everything...
i'am hard now -- i love you
fuck me, fuck me hard baby...
and kiss...
face to face...
ill be your "sin-eater" demon-angel-porn-star-cock-star...bottom boy and top stud...giving you some cream and spiining a dream into your head and i want you to knever forget me -- and always want me....
where ever I'am my load in your ass and yours in mine makes us blood brothers...for life and beyond....
yeah
enter my own little world...the pornographic-light-dark sexual, butt-fucking, batman and robin...just like NEO...
lost and found...demon fucker-brother-cock-sucker, back-room...on my knees - push my head down onto it harder and further--->>
spit on me and fuck me -- dreamland--- of no sleep...
and broken dreams...of trances and hallucinations
and everything forbidden and unwanted...and blue and red....sliding down the rabbitt hole and forever, yeah forever, into eternity -- forever, bonded by our oath and blood and pain....and notingness
and find
and gain...
everything....
leave your fear behind....
you and me -- naked.....
into eternity...
the gold of your soul awaits...
my body is dying but iam immortal...
my body is rusted out....broken and full of pain...
but my mind is alive....
slip into the darkness with me...
burn in the unending light....
take my hand...
lets fly away....
i love you
forever...
sean
>>>>
from the time i could remember...
from the first time i opened my eyes - and was born here --
in this "incarnation..."
it was nothing but 1 hundred - million miles, an hour...
hit the ground running --
in this life...
think fast -- look out!
jump fast -- dodge this and duck that --
100 per-cent screaming fear..and panic..
no time to think.. sort it out, figure it out...
or let it be...
it was all fear and a series of shocks and traumas...
the speed of anreniline:
of trying to get away from the truth - and always trying to cover up the truth with...
lies ?
: or some lie that gets and becomes layered...
and coated and painted over and buried...
until, really, you don't even remember what you were trying to cover up --- or what the lie was about or even what the truth behind it all is or was or if it even mattered...
i can only imagine that when you die -- ah -- "trasform" into the next life, that all those lies..those pretty - pretyy bleached blonde-boob - job, hollywood air kiss mutha-fucking lies....the dirty ones and the ugly ones --
just dissolve away in the light of the creator or whatever you chose to call "god..."
like some kind of ecstasy...
an incredible relief...
the faint rememrance of what you were -- before here...
GOD.....
what they told me....(circa 1970s)
>>>>>god --
yes. there was some unknown force that was out to get you -- (man...) and that force was called: god the all mighty : yeah, all mighty god ...and all seeing god, gonna get you, no matter what you do, >>>>>>> god....
yeah:
it was only a matter of time before "he" found you out to be an evil and non worthy soul and spirit that desreved to be destroyed...
but first, humilated and drug through the mud...
or worse..but def -- was gonna get>>>punishment....
yeah
wicked -- voices began in my head....
i'd never escape --
you'd never escape -- and we were all trapped - and hopeless...no way out....in this life: (i was told)
you suffered...for any infraction...anything you did -- that was less than perfect...
religion: as much as it promises to keep everyone in line...what it actually does is makes everyone afraid and scared and angry and well makes everyone react and act out...
out of frustration and pain and fear - fear and fear and more fear...yeah, life, here, i learned was about fear...
and punishment....
fear...
fear that looks like fear and fear that doesn't look like fear...
fear: it looks like addiction and greed, and police brutality and dis-ease and mental illness...but no -- no one here can see its all the same dis-ease...the same panic...
I'am trapped --
your trapped...and yeah death and whithering is immeninet and the only way to escape or make sure you have a good time along the way....
m-o-n-e-y....and yeah as you read this -- someone - somewhere is being killed for it....you can take that -- ah to the bank bro....as they say...
voices in ur head...
voices in my head...
a fragmented calling -- a projection of scarcity -- of god or love or safety....the panic - the sedation, sedating the pain...kill the pain...whamm -- ur gonna be sent to hell no matter what...the fear...the pain: manifesting as something outside me...yeah the entire world seems to stil think the enemy lies outside...
in another country...
in another part of the country, in another neighboorhood...in another person's home, or mind or body: but never theres...it just seems inconcievable that we are the enemy...and the enemy is in our heads...and the pain is ours to hold...
or heal or let go of...
yeah the terrorist lies within... all of us...we are the terrorists, to ourselves and everyone around us...
because we live in fear...and refuse to own it...and so it goes...the psychic riot, over our heads, and broadcast as the main attraction -- on the six o clock news...and in every fashion magazine, and tv commercial...the pressure to fit in and be like everyone else...and look like eveyone else...and be like everyone else...and yeah just fucking live in fear...and pretned -- it isn't really ever there, and that it always belongs to someone else....
the voices...
my voices....
panic...at first, seeming, like far away...and then, from deep inside you -- (always) gaining momentum -
ready to strike...
pulverize..and punish....your tiny (little) body...
god and his angels, the church and the police...
ready to enforce "god's law..."
retribution...
eternal dammnation...
if christ could hear the cries of the "saints" here, he'd break down to tears wondering how: a message that says:
"love thy neighboor..." could get twisted into...
"god hate fags"....or something to that effect...
terror...
can't let it out and afraid to let it in....
your trapped -- here --
with all these fucked up - nuerotic adults who are so far removed from "God" and waht that is...panicked and worshiiping the god of fear -- created and promoted here...and if you don't -- then youll be punished...
and punished good bro --
you have to promise here, to tell the truth, but--
if -----
you ever do, really tell the truth, -- then baiscally -- your dead...
yeah just like chirst...
he died because he told the truth..
god is everywhere -- but if you watch Tv -- they tell you he's nowhere to be found...
except of course in a really exspensive house or car or diamond ring -- or in a great piece of ass, or a big dick...
god - or comfort -- to be had...in the material world...in material things...diefying everything but:
-- what god really is...
this is what you learn...here -- in the material world...
what we all learned and fight against and enforce and are slaves to...
whatever you call it: the beast -- or "the lie.." or the "Grand illusion..."
or the "human condition" whatever "it" is --
thats what you learn....
you learn to destroy -- yourself or get on the road to doing it -- fast or slow...
thats what i saw when i was 12---13-- 17--18-- 25-35-40...
yeah just the world -- dying from fear...
and god is on vacation...so good luck and praise "god" and pass the ammunition....
it's somebodies fault but not mine and not yours..
it's theres...
(point and shoot...)
ready - aim -- fire....
i think i weighed around 120 pounds until high school...
my waist was like a 26 or 27...i was a small framed 5-6 foot tall...wired little man....
afraid to let anything in or anything out...like I said...
afraid to breathe...yeah -
>>>>>>>>>welcome to the pleasure dome.......
(of this reality)...
nothing but fear -- here...
15 years old and full of nothing ------------but fear....
my eyes glazed over and vacant...
someone handed me some "grass" to smoke or some cocaine -- or a six [ack then fuck yeah ---
yep this has to be the answer to all this fear....
ah -- yeah 16 years old and a full blown coke addict -- sniffin my life away while mommy and daddy were drinking G and Ts at the club....
fasten your seat belt...
i became i full fledge cocaine addict age the age...of 16...
yeah --this was ((this lifetime)) was going to be one hell of a ride...
by age 17 i'd allready been sexually assaulted by my two cousins - an uncle, my father's secretary - and my sisters...
and a few of my father's construction company (kinda studly) workers....
my finger had been cut- off -
my head had been split open...>>>to the point of me being unconcious for over an hour...
our house had caught on fire because my dad left something in the oven and passed out...
i was a millionaire's son and didn't even know it...
i had something that everyone seemed to want and still i was a virgin...
pure and untouched in alot of ways...
with no idea -- how to protect myself...
grasp my innocence or keep it from being raped right outta me...but of course, it was....
yeah -- it seemed like everyone wanted what was in my pants...
>>>>>>>>>>
i was hospitalized around 12 for pnuemonia...and almost died...
everytime the nurses left the room --- i pulled the IV right out of my arm...and whatever they were spilling into my viens -- coated the bed and my body -- then i'd pass out -- and they'd find me - half dead...laying there wet from saline solution...
lost in space...mumbling..."I want to go home..."
"home" i was referring to "home" as in back to heaven....
with god...but i don't think anyone ever guessed thats what i was referring to...
the hospital...
eventually they strapped me to the bed...tied my wrists down so i couldn't move...for a week --- strapped with my hands to my sides...until i was better...
yeah -- i sure was better after that...
starring in some weird ass like german bondage medical porn flick like dream...ah - nightmare...
my step mom came in every afternoon and brought -- Batman comic books...and read them to me and turned the pages...
then when the nurses were not looking she untied my arms if i promised not to pull the IV needle out of my arm...
i had....these eyes that said -- "old, old, soul...egyptian prince, royalty, something elite, untouchable..."
olive skin -- clear, knowing hazel-blue eyes - a naturally athletic tone to my body skinny as i was...
my body was perfect in many ways...my mind forozen from all the traumas
and all ready two near death expeirnces --
after awhile...
i was, just-- "not there" anymore...
after awhile i went into complete fantasy...
the colors became alive...in my own world....
another world inside...where I could fly away....
>>>>>>>
you escape in your mind --
become the "batman" or some other dark angel...
become something fantastic and surreal and maybe even divine...or
otherwordly...
but on the outside -- nothing can touch you -- you go to "Sean-land" the Batcave...
go somewhere else -- leaving your body...
kind of just blank and vacant...
"ive got get away..."
"I've got to commit suicide..."
i want to get out of here...
(was all i could think...)
i'd find way to remove myself...as soon as i could getuntied from the hospital bed....
one afternoon the thought occured to me:
"I'am gonna drink this acid and then: i'll be done..."
>>>>>>>>>>>>
i sit on my hellz kitchen fire escape smokig organic cigarettes...
i ponder all that has occurred...
Ive been through every transformation possible - even that of death - many times over...
i'd still give my last dime for a smoke...or my last two bucks for a few minutes at the porno-video booths in times square for a free blow job...taking a cock or a load...and then winking to the "dollar changer" dude on the way out...a hot, fresh load, ooozing out of my ass....
and a big grin on my face....
I'd still rather sit on the street with the losers or loners than bask in the light of a vip lounge with the liars...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
i believe:
the pahtway to heaven is lined with the fires of hell...
and the crucible of transformation...
the pain of love and the alienation of "the other..."
you have to know and learn the power and gentleness of light
and love...
withstand the chilling cold of truth revealed...
the darkness of wanting...
and the wholeness of spirit...
the value of the soul and the body---
and the gold that resides in the heart...
am i angel that fell into the hellish pit of the material world???
-- forever dammed to have the remembrance of heaven - and light?
or am i a demon?
crawling steadily from the pit of darkness into a light eternally burning me - soothing me and guiding me ?
i can not say --
it is my wish that something Ive done here has healed someone - somehwere...that is all...
psychics and fortune tellers tell me that I'am a
"god on earth"
a truly incarnated "divine being..."
a teacher...
a master in disguise...
laying in the gutters of poetry...
and languishing in the trenches of poverty...
>>>
my girl friends in college often told me that i was the: "devil.." or
"totally evil.." or
"wicked and cruel..."
and my personal fav...
"a latent homo-sexual..."
my fiance' screamed at me in a mykonos hotel suite...
"your the most disgusting person i've ever, met, and i never want to see you again..."
(that was after she found out that i got fucked on the beach by some hollywood soap opera star -- thenight we got ingaged to be married....
the men i have had sex or affairs with have asked me:
"are you half (puerto) rican ?" i was blessed with a dong like that of a "Beercan."
guyz tell me or have said :
"you have the dick of a porn star..."
and "jesus god -- that ass...tastes so good..."
or
"i wanna fuck you again...it feels so good in there..."
i always jus say: "Ok..."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
my family just thinks I'am strange and lost...
and my friends truly love me....fear me, adore me -- respect me and accept me...
all things considered I'am glad ( I think ) that i made the trip here...(and incarnated)
I know that there happens to be a good many angels watching over me and protecting me...
night and day...
they sit on my bed and watch me sleep --
they cry when i'am sad
and they
rejoice when i'am happy...
they healed me when i was almost dead and dying...
they told me secrets and gave me love...
and reminded me of who I'am...
my last boyfriend called me:
"The masterpiece of angels."
i think I'am a very rich man indeed to know all the angels and angel-humans and kinda somewhat demons and lost souls and shinning masters who have crossed my path...
all the people that hurt me - healed me or held me....
but
right now my bed is empty....
i'am alone but not lonely...
some think me god - some say beast - others say demon and some differ to angel...
most of the time I simply -- actually, just forget that I'an here...like i told you...
a projection of something physical...
ah i dunno -
you tell me --
ive given you my best -- perhaps made you hard with arousal -- or told you the gold of my heart, showered something light into your soul...or brought some poetry to your life...
it's your turn now to whisper your secrets to me...
tell me everything...
i'am hard now -- i love you
fuck me, fuck me hard baby...
and kiss...
face to face...
ill be your "sin-eater" demon-angel-porn-star-cock-star...bottom boy and top stud...giving you some cream and spiining a dream into your head and i want you to knever forget me -- and always want me....
where ever I'am my load in your ass and yours in mine makes us blood brothers...for life and beyond....
yeah
enter my own little world...the pornographic-light-dark sexual, butt-fucking, batman and robin...just like NEO...
lost and found...demon fucker-brother-cock-sucker, back-room...on my knees - push my head down onto it harder and further--->>
spit on me and fuck me -- dreamland--- of no sleep...
and broken dreams...of trances and hallucinations
and everything forbidden and unwanted...and blue and red....sliding down the rabbitt hole and forever, yeah forever, into eternity -- forever, bonded by our oath and blood and pain....and notingness
and find
and gain...
everything....
leave your fear behind....
you and me -- naked.....
into eternity...
the gold of your soul awaits...
my body is dying but iam immortal...
my body is rusted out....broken and full of pain...
but my mind is alive....
slip into the darkness with me...
burn in the unending light....
take my hand...
lets fly away....
i love you
forever...
sean
sean's Blue Pajamas - part four
my blue pajamas -- part four -- to post to blog >>>> final draft
this blog is rated: xxx
for adults only over the age of 18...
If you are under 18 - leave this page now....
my blue pajamas - Part four
"suicide - the ultimate ride..."
yeah - i wrote that first poem, -- around16 years old...
high on cocaine...
knowing that if i did just a few more hits...that my heart would slow down and stop...
my heart was racing - i was writing...and the words just fell onto the page...
"suicide: the ultimate ride..."
my first real, poem was a suicide note - ah, or something like it...high on coke....doing lines at my desk in my bedroom: my parents house...
then everything slowed down.
i stepped right up to the precipice of death...
ready to jump into the next realm --
my heart leveling to a slow beat...
everything was kind of coated in a white-ish, silver haze...
i said to myself: "is this it???
this is it -- yes or no?" i asked myself....
then
i backed off and waited..maybe i went too far and it was too late...
I fell a sleep or something - i dunno, i don't remember...
>>>to be or not to be...?
one thing was certain...i wanted out...
had i grown up with well read parents - educated parents or even had a parent that was a "Witch" or "mystical"
like me, or a person around me that could advise me about the advanced kind of "emotional - psychic- mental"
transitions i was experiencing at that time they would have probably directed me to Shakespeare's famous text of "hamlet's..."
"to be or not to be..."
and asked me...
"ok tell us what your feeling right now"...
or: "ok. whats going on??"
or maybe,
"you have to learn to say or identify your feelings as: despair or hopelessness.." and then we can discuss them and let go of them..."
take away their power...
de-fuse them...
>>>"i wanna commit suicide..."
was all i could hash out in my thoughts...
the only internal language i had at that time was, a vague feeling of being trapped and wanting to run away...to just get away....
and i just translated that into;
"I wanna commit suicide..."
after writing the "ultimate ride..." and fearing I'd gone too far i crawled to bed and passed out --
i guess. i don't remember...
but the poem was evidence of my struggle...
>>>>>>>
about a week later at my dad's construction yard -
the back warehouse...
there was a crawl-space over the offices used as storage...it was the kinda "secret" place kids find to pull down there pants and show what they got and see what you've got.
jake...
my cousin - jake - was the one that showed me how to push the ladder up against the 14 foot wall and land into the crawl space and hang out...
the first time we went up there, of course, he pulled down his pants -- and ah pulled out, what i know realize, was one of the biggest dicks i would ever see in my life:
a true, fat - nine inch cock...
all floppy and half hard...he was totally proud it...like showing me: "look what i got..."
jake...
"take a look at this..." he remarked...
and
he wanted to see mine...
i pulled away a bit but then, well,
I undid my pants and i showed him...
I was about 6 or 7 years younger than jake...
i pulled mine out...
my dick got hard instantly...
jake just laughed at me for getting a boner...
and then looked my deep into the eyes, kinda like piercing me in a way....and it was like time stopped...
it was the first time i remember having an erection in front of another person: and that person turned out to be my cousin...jake...
Jake looked at me for a clean - hard minute...
and then bolted toward the ladder and crawled down it and disappeared for an hour or so somewhere in the construction yard which was easy to do...
there was a back lot filled with heavy duty equipment:
cement mixers that didn't work and were all rusted out --
there were also a few sheds for tools and a tractor that had been discarded but never hauled away...just like a junk area of the main yard....
I hadn't seen jason in a week or so...and hadn't had any cocaine for awhile...
i thought about jake sometimes...
he seemed strange to me, at times, and i didn't understand him or the fucked -up things he did...
He was 24.
he didn't have a girlfriend, he liked working on his car: a chevy "Nova" supper sport edition...and listening to: Bachman turner overdrive, and grand funk Railroad..."Were An american Band..."
he'd be like, playing "Air guitar" in the warehouse with his shirt off in the summer heat all excited and working on his car late at night
...and saying that he just wanted to hang out in the yard and fix this or that on his midnight blue nova....
he called it: "the blue devil...."
he was always staying at the yard after everyone left for home....
working on everything...fix something or "detail" his car to make it real nice...polish it all up and drive it around and go get some drive through food or something...
but...
there was always this thing about him - like you could never get him to just sit down and talk...or be calm for one minute...
jake was always jumping around or driving around or dancing around...and then he'd bolt -- and just disappeared and gone...
>>>>>>
ONE afternoon...my cousin jake was playing around with his new - "mini-bike..."
which basically was a tiny motorcycle - but it had no gears...if you took the brake off it hauled ass down the block...
jake called to me:
"hey Cmon - get on the min-bike and go for a ride..."
I said "No."
he started making fun of me -- saying i was a "pussy..."
and embarrassing me in front of the workers:
many of whom i had secret crushes on ...
all of which were totally hot, muscled, california good looking studs...some white - some black or mexican...all of them rowdy and rough and sexy as hell...
allot of them (everyday) shirtless: on the trucks... lifting bags of cements or just getting in from a job and swathed with dust and dirt, smelling like a guy smells after a hard days work...all tanned and smiling cuz the day was almost over...sometimes drinking beers in the yard and talking and cracking jokes...after al the trucks were loaded and serviced and parked for the night...
for a closeted 16 year old...
it was like a living hell and an untouchable heaven...
it was a living hell...
shirtless guys - all muscled and buffed from working out, from mixing cement all day and lifting the bags and carrying the ready made mortar in wheelbarrows to the job-sites...
and then loading up the trucks at night....
watching them all was like an inconceivable dream...
i didn't know and wasn't sure just why i stared at some of them more than others or even stared at all...
they were beautiful...i wanted to be close to them but really, didn't know why....
i guess everything was repressed...and
i couldn't act on my repressed feelings...
I mean really, i didn't even know what i wanted or wanted to do....but i just felt - like i wanted to ah - wrestle or hug them or yeah maybe kiss them...but i had no idea that i was "Queer" for them.....all those feelings....
I couldn't hold them in, didn't know what they were and was afraid that they might -- "Come out..."
No.
I couldn't hold them down much longer...
there was going to be an accident - an explosion -- or maybe i just had to die to escape it all...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
to question your existence is the first sign of emotional maturity...
spiritual yearning -- its the beginning of going off the "path" that everyone else is on and forging your own thoughts about life or your existence here --
about finding out who you really are -- examine deep thoughts and feelings about the cosmos and the universes within and with out: it was about questioning why you were here, and knowing maybe you had a choice in it all....
alone....
i was alone - with all of it...
i was alone...
(fuck) at 17 years old, i was done.
i was tired of living...
i had the weariness of an old man...but also the knowing of a sage...
yet
i lacked the internal language and dialogue at that time to be eloquent about what i was experiencing...
in another place or another time i would have found paint brushes to paint it -- an instrument of music to play it out -
i would have found a sport that i liked to move my energies into -- but it didn't happen -
i only had a pen and paper...
so thats what i used...
i would draw little comic-like faces in the side lines of my written thoughts but truly the first thing i went to was writing poems...
poetry is my first love...and always will be...
i kept journals and wrote in them when i was confused or scared...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
jake and the construction yard...
I was in the crawl-space pondering it all...then i heard jake calling for me...
"Cmon you fuckin PUSSY!"
"hey man!"
"every-bodies waiting to watch you ride the min-bike..."
jake called through the yard...and then upstairs where he knew i was hiding...
i emerged kind of shy and wondering what he wanted:
coaxed out of my day dreams by jake...
I went down the ladder, and then into the yard...
a crowd had gathered...
all the studs surrounded me...
((even back then i had the propensity to anorexia...but was well muscled -- from helping the guys stack their trucks at night with the 100 pound bags of cement...
my chest muscles were actually over-built and buffed but my presence was kinda shy and well, like that of a poet and healer: definitely not a fighter...
or a rough and tumble sort of guy like jake...
i shook my head, and came into the light of the sun from out of where we'd back up the trucks to work on them...
i was standing under the open air main machine shop....
i walked out slow sensing something was about to happen....
jake still kinda coaxing out -- like an animal thats going to pounce or something...kind of still and waving his hand -- like: "Cmere..."
i paced slowly and looked around the machine shop filled with huge red cases of wrenches and jack-hammers and pick - axes...that area always smelled of gasoline and oil and grease...
i kinda sauntered around a minute, and then I left the warehouse and walked out into the main yard...over to the crowd, of about nine maybe 12 of the guys...and then saw the blue - mini-bike that jake got for christmas...
he was revving the engine:loud and whiny: Jake's hand was on the brake....
holding it back...
holding the brake tight, so it wouldn't jamm forth -- and peel away...
a bit of dust kicked up from the asphalt....
"ok here ya go -- " jake began to explain...
"your going for a ride -- maaaan! your going to see if you can handle the "Blue snake...!"
(which jake called his min-bike...)
jake began to explain...
"i'am gonna release the break...for ya...
and then once you get on..."
jake always had this perfect, brilliant con-artist's grin and totally smooth way of talking - right before he was ready to completely embarrass you or absolutely fuck you over...and i fell for it every time...
this time, of course, was no exception...
>>> i shook my head..."no."
like -- as in "No way!"
but jake knew i wanted the guys to like me and took total advantage of the situation....like just mached up this whole "i dare ya..." situation to blackmail me into doing what he wanted...and he wanted to see if i could ride the min-bike...his, "Blue snake..." so really, there was no getting out of it...
I had to prove myself, and I guessed that this was the test....
Jake revved the bike up real good...and said: "Go ahead, bro...its your turn....don't be a pussy --- ok? show they guys you got the stuff..."
and then he added, like whispered to me: "i wanna be proud of you...c'mon..."
I sat on the bike --
all the construction workers, the "guys" that worked for my dad came to watch...
a group of total hotty's as i said before...
they all surrounded me and the bike...
(except for my cousin jake, everyone was allot older than me - like late 20s to 30s...they were all perfect and buffed. they were men and knew the secrets or things that guys knew but i didn't know anything....
i guess I really just wanted their validation...or maybe to be liked by some of them...validation...
a validation of my masculinity: willing to prove that: just
because i was the "bosses son" it didn't mean that i was a total ass-wipe, a good for nothing...or as jake said:
"a pussy..."
so it came down to Jake's dare and test...ride the mini-bike in front of everyone...see if i could handle it...
ok then: I nodded: "yes..."
my head was kind of low and i was scared and it was probably obvious that i didn't know what i was doing...
"all-right...let's go..." i remarked to jake and he nodded "yes...!"
i climbed onto the bike slowly and looked around....
i had everyone's attention...
but then i paused....and thought about "Gus..." who was standing there behind me watching also with everyone else...
i wanted to see if he thought this was a good idea...
I looked into his eyes: Gus was the guy that i had the deepest secret crush on...
yeah...
his name was "gus..."
gus was probably early 30s...
around 6-4 tall, around 185 pounds - maybe 200 and all it muscle...he had soft brown eyes....
sometimes a handle bar mustache - sometimes a goatee sometimes clean shaven but most of the time... he had some scruff going on...
gus...sexy and shaggy brown hair, that was always shiny and falling over his brow...
he almost always walked around "the yard" without his shirt on...was always in a cheerful mood and happy to be there working...
he rode in rodeos on the week ends and loved to tell stories about famous horses and sing out loud while he was working...
he was a sort of "tom of Finland" / "billy doll" with big sexy lips...and perfect white teeth...
i thought of him often -- but only kind of deep - in the back of my thoughts, like he was my big-brother or something that i never had....but always wanted....
now come to think of it, he must have known how much or how deeply i was - ah--- kind of, in love with him...
gus was everything i wasn't...
gus...
he was everything i wanted to be...big - strong - happy go lucky -- unbothered by people or the world...
totally beautiful...and strong..
a total "guy"...just kinda happy to be alive and full of light and goodness...
the bike was reeeving up...jakes eyes all wide and flashing a smirk and tossing his head to one side like:
"ok man -- its time..."
i looked at gus and our eyes met and i kinda wished to ask him if i should get on the bike or not...
he looked down to me but didn't say anything:
just nodded like: "well, ok -- go ahead - try it - well see..."
so then i had to do it....
i agreed
"ok...lets try it..."
then...
as i sat down on the seat, my butt barely touching the plastic vynal cushion -- and the minute i relaxed:
jake let go of the brake and then at the same time turned a wild eye and laughed and
"gunned" the throttle...
to full speed...
the mini-bike tore a patch of gravel...kicking up dust and gravel...
the back wheel spun around and around and made a loud whirring noise and then it caught the pavement below and the bike took off...fast -- way too fast...
the bike steered through the yard...out of control...
I tried to steer it away from one of the trucks directly in front of my path, but it went straight to full speed...
with no warning at all...
i didn't have control of it...
i was in for a ride...
(it was kind of like a "Jack-ass" stunt...to tell you the truth about 20 years ahead of its time...."
>>>the bike peeled away from the crowd....
off it went -- and i with it --
out of control...
I nearly escaped hitting a truck -- and then looking back and watching the crowd -- I looked ahead again only to see the end of the yard and the fence -- then -- of course jake never told me where the brake was....and boom - kapoww!
head first into a chain link fence...right over the front of the bike...
crash....
i wasn't wearing a helmet...
i was in jeans and a t-shirt...
my head hit one of the metal posts and i grayed out...almost like: blacked-out...like:
good night....
Some of the guys peeled with laughter -
some were quiet...
some were entertained...
a few ran over to help me up...
the bike lay in its side - the throttle stuck wide open and the bike spinningaround a few times before somebody could hit the kill switch...
jake was howling with delight...
my head was split open...
my leg was bleeding. and the pant leg of my jeans was ripped open --
i was covered in dust and dirt...
there was blood streaming down one side of my head and some of it getting into my eye...
jake ran over to me and began dusting off my pants...
and looking at my forehead....
and then trying to access my bleeding leg...
our eyes met...i saw him look at me through the blood dripping down....
"your ok -- your gonna be ok..." he said kinda scared -
like saying -
"don't tell your dad...it was just a joke...I didn't mean it..."
he kinda hugged me and then - maybe, kind of embarrassed that he was so calculated in his "wicked" dare...
he looked at me as if to say: "I'am sorry..."
i looked at him with a real anger and then looked away...
then he just took the bike and rolled it onto its side and then walked it back into the warehouse....holding the bike but looking back to me a few times...toward me.
he disappeared into the main - machine shop...
trying to fix the "governor" which holds the throttle at a low point until you open it up...
everyone went back to working...
i stumbled through the yard looking for a place to sit down or look at my leg...
i was bleeding badly...
then i saw gus walking toward me to ask me if i was "ok." just then i got light-headed and began to pass out:
probably from the excitement and the fact that i hadn't eaten lunch yet...and seeing the blood and the cut on my leg...
just as i was about to fall onto the pavement gus caught me in his arms and carried me to the cement warehouse and laid me down on one of the cement pallets stacked five high...he went and got me some water...and slapped my face kinda softly to make me -- "come to.."
i sat up and drank the water...
"are you ok?" gus was saying...
i wiped my face and gus took some water from the cup hed given me to drink and he poured it into his hand and kind of washed my face a little bit...
my eyes became bright and i was revived...
gus touched my face and looked deep into my eyes for a minute and saw how hurt i was...
my pride was hurt...
he peered down to me and paused...and then shook his head for a moment and looked around to see if jake was still around...
and then without warning...his eyes angered...
he bolted...away and through the yard toward jake working on the min-bike...
he ran over to jake:
"what the hell do you think your doing..?" gus said loud and forced his body toward jake's...and then - boom!
he grabbed his shirt and picked him up..right by the center of the t-shirt and lifted him right off the ground and held him there....and then whammm!
all in one motion...swung Jake's ass around in the air a few times and then threw him down...and smacked him one right across the chops....hard and clean...
"what the hellz wrong with you boy!!! ???"
jake demanded...
"you could have really hurt him...you pull another stunt like that in front of me i'll whip the tar right outta your ass - for good! you got that -- son...??"
jake was like a lil rag doll in gus' beefy buffed up arms...
jake got away from gus, but he didn't say anything, he just ran away and went to the corner liquor store or maybe hid in the back somewhere...and disappeared for an hour or so...
then gus came back to me and peered into my eyes almost like he knew id like that and then winked at me - like a cool, guy to guy wink...as if to say:
"i'll protect you from that asshole - don't you worry..."
after that gus went back to work...
i crawled away to the secret place...and laid down and fell a sleep...
>>>>>>>>>>>
it was a few weeks later...
when a real darkness came over me...and i couldn't stop the "voices" in my head...
i had gotten drunk a few times from some "White Label" scotch stashed in my parents garage...and was feeling confused and spaced out...
i just remember climbing to the crawl-space above my dad's offices and then seeing a crate of swimming pool acid...
i got an idea but i ignored it --
then laying down on a pile of old rags, i pulled off my pants and began...to "spank one off" as fast as i could:
then i heard jake coming up the ladder...and
i couldn't get my pants up fast enough...
he totally caught me -- buttoning up my pants...
"oh well, well, well...what have we here -- ??"
jake kind of bellowed out and then grabbed the top button of my jeans and undid them...again -
exposing my pre-cummed adolescent cock...
he surveyed it - up and down and then without warning he grabbed the middle of the shaft, looked into my eyes and said:
"thats really beautiful..."
and then with his fist around my dick he looked me into the eyes again and for a minute i thought he might kiss me....but he touched my lower lip and ran a finger across it...and then just, paused for a second...
"hey, ya wanna try some of this...? he kind of jutted his chin toward me....
and with that he unbuttoned his pants and pulled out his own cock -- now totally big and hard...and dripping at the head with pre-cum...
"i wont tell anybody you were jerking off up here if you jerk me off too and well call it even...deal?" jake offered up - like kind of like --- blackmail...jake's specialty...
i was shaking...
i nodded:
"yes..."
my dick was now fully hard again looking at Jake's dick...
my dick was that still of a boy but his was the first true male - man, erection i ever saw...
it seemed huge compared to mine...
he had hair on his balls and they hugged the shaft of his cock at first and then when he relaxed and rubbed his dick more they fell down and became two separate nuts hanging there...full of juice...oozing out...
"go ahead man - put your hand around it..." he said guiding my hand to his pole...it was warm, i remember and i got a whiff of his crotch because he wasn't wearing any underwear...
>>>it smelled musky, like a locker room. kinda damp and masculine...
i was experiencing so many feelings...
and then without warning jake directed the head of his cock to my lips and then without talking - maybe i nodded yes - i dunno...
his erection passed over my lips and went into my mouth and i began to suck it...
it felt good and right for me to do it somehow -- connect to jake in this way: i think i was in love with him...
i dunno...
i don't remember much else...
i don't know if i came...
or jerked off my own dick while i sucked him off
but i do remember liking the taste and feeling that it seemed so big in my mouth...
Jake's moves were smooth -- like hed done something like this before...
he was pushing the head and shaft all the way into my throat...his voice becoming soft and almost affectionate...
saying things like:
"thats it -- good boy...you like that???
it feels nice - right ?
good - -- good boy...
oh yeah, it feels so good...oh..fuc yeah...baby..thats it..."
touching the top of my head nice...and stroking my hair -touching the back of my head - and then pulling me closer to him...so the side of my face brushed against his stomach as i sucked him off...and then he wrapped his arms around me....
just then, (and i think jake would have came or was getting ready to come but) my father's secretary came around asking if were were going to lunch or not...
"hey! hey you guys!"
we could hear her from the outside warehouse of the machine shop...
"hey!" she called out - :where are you boys ? what are you two up to...?"
"up here..." jake called down totally cool - like nothing was going on...
jake yelled down>>>
>>>"just up here talking -- sharon..."
..."were getting lunch at "taco joes" - you go ahead..." jake yelled down - putting his wet dick back into his pants quietly and winking at me with his famous devil's grin...
scrambling for the ladder to get downstairs and buttoning up his jeans all at once...
Jake's eyes were bright and shiny...
he looked at me - clean:
"well finish this later -- baby.." he whispered and smiled and then disappeared down the ladder and then began working away in the machine shop...
making noise so everyone could hear him...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
yeah. it was a few days later. after jake and i - well after i sucked Jake's cock that i tried to "off" myself...by drinking the acid...it went down something like this - as i recall:
i had the bottle of swimming pool acid to my lips ready to burn my insides so bad that id never recover, getting the bottle right up to my nose --- in the storage space above my father's office at the lot of his construction company...
i could hear the phones ringing below and the secretaries talking and chatting...i held the bottle tight and breathed in the highly toxic and dangerous to ingest chemical..fuck it was fucking ACID...and i was ready to drink it -- to escape what i was feeling at that time...
what i heard in my head: night and day --- i was still a virgin in both orientations at that time...the voice - the awful foreboding and knowing that it was true...
i preferred to look at the guys - not the girls...
i wanted to kiss dick -- i wanted dick --- ah not jane...
i think i was "in love" with jake and i ached for him and also for gus...
to have gus hold me -
to have jake pull out his big dick again in the crawl space and put it in my mouth...
back then - feeling those feelings seemed like the end of the world...
but that was what ? 1976 or 77 --
you just couldn't be a queer back then --
you just fucking didn't ever talk about shit like that, or you'd wind up fag bashed and nobody would care how it happened --- they would just be glad that it did --
back then the general over-all message was --
"fags deserve to die" and - or --
"get the fags - find out whose a faggot and eliminate them" something like that...
..no questions asked...
everyone was a suspect of wanting to suck dick...
in high school - anyone who looked the wrong way in the gym - while changing into your gym clothes -- or in the showers after wrestling practice -- could get branded
"a queer" forever...
you'd be listed as the school "queer" and trust me
you didn't want that kind of abuse...
shirley Jackson's short story: "the lottery" comes to mind here...
yes.
yeah -- thats right ---
yeah. it really was like that - back in the day...
back in the 70s...and the early 80s...yeah it was - and i'am glad to be sitting here in 2006 still alive to tell the tale...
yeah looking out the hospital window...it all floated out of me and through my mind....jake and gus and giving my first blow job and even still loving my cousin and the deep, deep feelings of wanting to be next to him....
to be continued.....
my blue pajamas - part four....
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for adults only over the age of 18...
If you are under 18 - leave this page now....
my blue pajamas - Part four
"suicide - the ultimate ride..."
yeah - i wrote that first poem, -- around16 years old...
high on cocaine...
knowing that if i did just a few more hits...that my heart would slow down and stop...
my heart was racing - i was writing...and the words just fell onto the page...
"suicide: the ultimate ride..."
my first real, poem was a suicide note - ah, or something like it...high on coke....doing lines at my desk in my bedroom: my parents house...
then everything slowed down.
i stepped right up to the precipice of death...
ready to jump into the next realm --
my heart leveling to a slow beat...
everything was kind of coated in a white-ish, silver haze...
i said to myself: "is this it???
this is it -- yes or no?" i asked myself....
then
i backed off and waited..maybe i went too far and it was too late...
I fell a sleep or something - i dunno, i don't remember...
>>>to be or not to be...?
one thing was certain...i wanted out...
had i grown up with well read parents - educated parents or even had a parent that was a "Witch" or "mystical"
like me, or a person around me that could advise me about the advanced kind of "emotional - psychic- mental"
transitions i was experiencing at that time they would have probably directed me to Shakespeare's famous text of "hamlet's..."
"to be or not to be..."
and asked me...
"ok tell us what your feeling right now"...
or: "ok. whats going on??"
or maybe,
"you have to learn to say or identify your feelings as: despair or hopelessness.." and then we can discuss them and let go of them..."
take away their power...
de-fuse them...
>>>"i wanna commit suicide..."
was all i could hash out in my thoughts...
the only internal language i had at that time was, a vague feeling of being trapped and wanting to run away...to just get away....
and i just translated that into;
"I wanna commit suicide..."
after writing the "ultimate ride..." and fearing I'd gone too far i crawled to bed and passed out --
i guess. i don't remember...
but the poem was evidence of my struggle...
>>>>>>>
about a week later at my dad's construction yard -
the back warehouse...
there was a crawl-space over the offices used as storage...it was the kinda "secret" place kids find to pull down there pants and show what they got and see what you've got.
jake...
my cousin - jake - was the one that showed me how to push the ladder up against the 14 foot wall and land into the crawl space and hang out...
the first time we went up there, of course, he pulled down his pants -- and ah pulled out, what i know realize, was one of the biggest dicks i would ever see in my life:
a true, fat - nine inch cock...
all floppy and half hard...he was totally proud it...like showing me: "look what i got..."
jake...
"take a look at this..." he remarked...
and
he wanted to see mine...
i pulled away a bit but then, well,
I undid my pants and i showed him...
I was about 6 or 7 years younger than jake...
i pulled mine out...
my dick got hard instantly...
jake just laughed at me for getting a boner...
and then looked my deep into the eyes, kinda like piercing me in a way....and it was like time stopped...
it was the first time i remember having an erection in front of another person: and that person turned out to be my cousin...jake...
Jake looked at me for a clean - hard minute...
and then bolted toward the ladder and crawled down it and disappeared for an hour or so somewhere in the construction yard which was easy to do...
there was a back lot filled with heavy duty equipment:
cement mixers that didn't work and were all rusted out --
there were also a few sheds for tools and a tractor that had been discarded but never hauled away...just like a junk area of the main yard....
I hadn't seen jason in a week or so...and hadn't had any cocaine for awhile...
i thought about jake sometimes...
he seemed strange to me, at times, and i didn't understand him or the fucked -up things he did...
He was 24.
he didn't have a girlfriend, he liked working on his car: a chevy "Nova" supper sport edition...and listening to: Bachman turner overdrive, and grand funk Railroad..."Were An american Band..."
he'd be like, playing "Air guitar" in the warehouse with his shirt off in the summer heat all excited and working on his car late at night
...and saying that he just wanted to hang out in the yard and fix this or that on his midnight blue nova....
he called it: "the blue devil...."
he was always staying at the yard after everyone left for home....
working on everything...fix something or "detail" his car to make it real nice...polish it all up and drive it around and go get some drive through food or something...
but...
there was always this thing about him - like you could never get him to just sit down and talk...or be calm for one minute...
jake was always jumping around or driving around or dancing around...and then he'd bolt -- and just disappeared and gone...
>>>>>>
ONE afternoon...my cousin jake was playing around with his new - "mini-bike..."
which basically was a tiny motorcycle - but it had no gears...if you took the brake off it hauled ass down the block...
jake called to me:
"hey Cmon - get on the min-bike and go for a ride..."
I said "No."
he started making fun of me -- saying i was a "pussy..."
and embarrassing me in front of the workers:
many of whom i had secret crushes on ...
all of which were totally hot, muscled, california good looking studs...some white - some black or mexican...all of them rowdy and rough and sexy as hell...
allot of them (everyday) shirtless: on the trucks... lifting bags of cements or just getting in from a job and swathed with dust and dirt, smelling like a guy smells after a hard days work...all tanned and smiling cuz the day was almost over...sometimes drinking beers in the yard and talking and cracking jokes...after al the trucks were loaded and serviced and parked for the night...
for a closeted 16 year old...
it was like a living hell and an untouchable heaven...
it was a living hell...
shirtless guys - all muscled and buffed from working out, from mixing cement all day and lifting the bags and carrying the ready made mortar in wheelbarrows to the job-sites...
and then loading up the trucks at night....
watching them all was like an inconceivable dream...
i didn't know and wasn't sure just why i stared at some of them more than others or even stared at all...
they were beautiful...i wanted to be close to them but really, didn't know why....
i guess everything was repressed...and
i couldn't act on my repressed feelings...
I mean really, i didn't even know what i wanted or wanted to do....but i just felt - like i wanted to ah - wrestle or hug them or yeah maybe kiss them...but i had no idea that i was "Queer" for them.....all those feelings....
I couldn't hold them in, didn't know what they were and was afraid that they might -- "Come out..."
No.
I couldn't hold them down much longer...
there was going to be an accident - an explosion -- or maybe i just had to die to escape it all...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
to question your existence is the first sign of emotional maturity...
spiritual yearning -- its the beginning of going off the "path" that everyone else is on and forging your own thoughts about life or your existence here --
about finding out who you really are -- examine deep thoughts and feelings about the cosmos and the universes within and with out: it was about questioning why you were here, and knowing maybe you had a choice in it all....
alone....
i was alone - with all of it...
i was alone...
(fuck) at 17 years old, i was done.
i was tired of living...
i had the weariness of an old man...but also the knowing of a sage...
yet
i lacked the internal language and dialogue at that time to be eloquent about what i was experiencing...
in another place or another time i would have found paint brushes to paint it -- an instrument of music to play it out -
i would have found a sport that i liked to move my energies into -- but it didn't happen -
i only had a pen and paper...
so thats what i used...
i would draw little comic-like faces in the side lines of my written thoughts but truly the first thing i went to was writing poems...
poetry is my first love...and always will be...
i kept journals and wrote in them when i was confused or scared...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
jake and the construction yard...
I was in the crawl-space pondering it all...then i heard jake calling for me...
"Cmon you fuckin PUSSY!"
"hey man!"
"every-bodies waiting to watch you ride the min-bike..."
jake called through the yard...and then upstairs where he knew i was hiding...
i emerged kind of shy and wondering what he wanted:
coaxed out of my day dreams by jake...
I went down the ladder, and then into the yard...
a crowd had gathered...
all the studs surrounded me...
((even back then i had the propensity to anorexia...but was well muscled -- from helping the guys stack their trucks at night with the 100 pound bags of cement...
my chest muscles were actually over-built and buffed but my presence was kinda shy and well, like that of a poet and healer: definitely not a fighter...
or a rough and tumble sort of guy like jake...
i shook my head, and came into the light of the sun from out of where we'd back up the trucks to work on them...
i was standing under the open air main machine shop....
i walked out slow sensing something was about to happen....
jake still kinda coaxing out -- like an animal thats going to pounce or something...kind of still and waving his hand -- like: "Cmere..."
i paced slowly and looked around the machine shop filled with huge red cases of wrenches and jack-hammers and pick - axes...that area always smelled of gasoline and oil and grease...
i kinda sauntered around a minute, and then I left the warehouse and walked out into the main yard...over to the crowd, of about nine maybe 12 of the guys...and then saw the blue - mini-bike that jake got for christmas...
he was revving the engine:loud and whiny: Jake's hand was on the brake....
holding it back...
holding the brake tight, so it wouldn't jamm forth -- and peel away...
a bit of dust kicked up from the asphalt....
"ok here ya go -- " jake began to explain...
"your going for a ride -- maaaan! your going to see if you can handle the "Blue snake...!"
(which jake called his min-bike...)
jake began to explain...
"i'am gonna release the break...for ya...
and then once you get on..."
jake always had this perfect, brilliant con-artist's grin and totally smooth way of talking - right before he was ready to completely embarrass you or absolutely fuck you over...and i fell for it every time...
this time, of course, was no exception...
>>> i shook my head..."no."
like -- as in "No way!"
but jake knew i wanted the guys to like me and took total advantage of the situation....like just mached up this whole "i dare ya..." situation to blackmail me into doing what he wanted...and he wanted to see if i could ride the min-bike...his, "Blue snake..." so really, there was no getting out of it...
I had to prove myself, and I guessed that this was the test....
Jake revved the bike up real good...and said: "Go ahead, bro...its your turn....don't be a pussy --- ok? show they guys you got the stuff..."
and then he added, like whispered to me: "i wanna be proud of you...c'mon..."
I sat on the bike --
all the construction workers, the "guys" that worked for my dad came to watch...
a group of total hotty's as i said before...
they all surrounded me and the bike...
(except for my cousin jake, everyone was allot older than me - like late 20s to 30s...they were all perfect and buffed. they were men and knew the secrets or things that guys knew but i didn't know anything....
i guess I really just wanted their validation...or maybe to be liked by some of them...validation...
a validation of my masculinity: willing to prove that: just
because i was the "bosses son" it didn't mean that i was a total ass-wipe, a good for nothing...or as jake said:
"a pussy..."
so it came down to Jake's dare and test...ride the mini-bike in front of everyone...see if i could handle it...
ok then: I nodded: "yes..."
my head was kind of low and i was scared and it was probably obvious that i didn't know what i was doing...
"all-right...let's go..." i remarked to jake and he nodded "yes...!"
i climbed onto the bike slowly and looked around....
i had everyone's attention...
but then i paused....and thought about "Gus..." who was standing there behind me watching also with everyone else...
i wanted to see if he thought this was a good idea...
I looked into his eyes: Gus was the guy that i had the deepest secret crush on...
yeah...
his name was "gus..."
gus was probably early 30s...
around 6-4 tall, around 185 pounds - maybe 200 and all it muscle...he had soft brown eyes....
sometimes a handle bar mustache - sometimes a goatee sometimes clean shaven but most of the time... he had some scruff going on...
gus...sexy and shaggy brown hair, that was always shiny and falling over his brow...
he almost always walked around "the yard" without his shirt on...was always in a cheerful mood and happy to be there working...
he rode in rodeos on the week ends and loved to tell stories about famous horses and sing out loud while he was working...
he was a sort of "tom of Finland" / "billy doll" with big sexy lips...and perfect white teeth...
i thought of him often -- but only kind of deep - in the back of my thoughts, like he was my big-brother or something that i never had....but always wanted....
now come to think of it, he must have known how much or how deeply i was - ah--- kind of, in love with him...
gus was everything i wasn't...
gus...
he was everything i wanted to be...big - strong - happy go lucky -- unbothered by people or the world...
totally beautiful...and strong..
a total "guy"...just kinda happy to be alive and full of light and goodness...
the bike was reeeving up...jakes eyes all wide and flashing a smirk and tossing his head to one side like:
"ok man -- its time..."
i looked at gus and our eyes met and i kinda wished to ask him if i should get on the bike or not...
he looked down to me but didn't say anything:
just nodded like: "well, ok -- go ahead - try it - well see..."
so then i had to do it....
i agreed
"ok...lets try it..."
then...
as i sat down on the seat, my butt barely touching the plastic vynal cushion -- and the minute i relaxed:
jake let go of the brake and then at the same time turned a wild eye and laughed and
"gunned" the throttle...
to full speed...
the mini-bike tore a patch of gravel...kicking up dust and gravel...
the back wheel spun around and around and made a loud whirring noise and then it caught the pavement below and the bike took off...fast -- way too fast...
the bike steered through the yard...out of control...
I tried to steer it away from one of the trucks directly in front of my path, but it went straight to full speed...
with no warning at all...
i didn't have control of it...
i was in for a ride...
(it was kind of like a "Jack-ass" stunt...to tell you the truth about 20 years ahead of its time...."
>>>the bike peeled away from the crowd....
off it went -- and i with it --
out of control...
I nearly escaped hitting a truck -- and then looking back and watching the crowd -- I looked ahead again only to see the end of the yard and the fence -- then -- of course jake never told me where the brake was....and boom - kapoww!
head first into a chain link fence...right over the front of the bike...
crash....
i wasn't wearing a helmet...
i was in jeans and a t-shirt...
my head hit one of the metal posts and i grayed out...almost like: blacked-out...like:
good night....
Some of the guys peeled with laughter -
some were quiet...
some were entertained...
a few ran over to help me up...
the bike lay in its side - the throttle stuck wide open and the bike spinningaround a few times before somebody could hit the kill switch...
jake was howling with delight...
my head was split open...
my leg was bleeding. and the pant leg of my jeans was ripped open --
i was covered in dust and dirt...
there was blood streaming down one side of my head and some of it getting into my eye...
jake ran over to me and began dusting off my pants...
and looking at my forehead....
and then trying to access my bleeding leg...
our eyes met...i saw him look at me through the blood dripping down....
"your ok -- your gonna be ok..." he said kinda scared -
like saying -
"don't tell your dad...it was just a joke...I didn't mean it..."
he kinda hugged me and then - maybe, kind of embarrassed that he was so calculated in his "wicked" dare...
he looked at me as if to say: "I'am sorry..."
i looked at him with a real anger and then looked away...
then he just took the bike and rolled it onto its side and then walked it back into the warehouse....holding the bike but looking back to me a few times...toward me.
he disappeared into the main - machine shop...
trying to fix the "governor" which holds the throttle at a low point until you open it up...
everyone went back to working...
i stumbled through the yard looking for a place to sit down or look at my leg...
i was bleeding badly...
then i saw gus walking toward me to ask me if i was "ok." just then i got light-headed and began to pass out:
probably from the excitement and the fact that i hadn't eaten lunch yet...and seeing the blood and the cut on my leg...
just as i was about to fall onto the pavement gus caught me in his arms and carried me to the cement warehouse and laid me down on one of the cement pallets stacked five high...he went and got me some water...and slapped my face kinda softly to make me -- "come to.."
i sat up and drank the water...
"are you ok?" gus was saying...
i wiped my face and gus took some water from the cup hed given me to drink and he poured it into his hand and kind of washed my face a little bit...
my eyes became bright and i was revived...
gus touched my face and looked deep into my eyes for a minute and saw how hurt i was...
my pride was hurt...
he peered down to me and paused...and then shook his head for a moment and looked around to see if jake was still around...
and then without warning...his eyes angered...
he bolted...away and through the yard toward jake working on the min-bike...
he ran over to jake:
"what the hell do you think your doing..?" gus said loud and forced his body toward jake's...and then - boom!
he grabbed his shirt and picked him up..right by the center of the t-shirt and lifted him right off the ground and held him there....and then whammm!
all in one motion...swung Jake's ass around in the air a few times and then threw him down...and smacked him one right across the chops....hard and clean...
"what the hellz wrong with you boy!!! ???"
jake demanded...
"you could have really hurt him...you pull another stunt like that in front of me i'll whip the tar right outta your ass - for good! you got that -- son...??"
jake was like a lil rag doll in gus' beefy buffed up arms...
jake got away from gus, but he didn't say anything, he just ran away and went to the corner liquor store or maybe hid in the back somewhere...and disappeared for an hour or so...
then gus came back to me and peered into my eyes almost like he knew id like that and then winked at me - like a cool, guy to guy wink...as if to say:
"i'll protect you from that asshole - don't you worry..."
after that gus went back to work...
i crawled away to the secret place...and laid down and fell a sleep...
>>>>>>>>>>>
it was a few weeks later...
when a real darkness came over me...and i couldn't stop the "voices" in my head...
i had gotten drunk a few times from some "White Label" scotch stashed in my parents garage...and was feeling confused and spaced out...
i just remember climbing to the crawl-space above my dad's offices and then seeing a crate of swimming pool acid...
i got an idea but i ignored it --
then laying down on a pile of old rags, i pulled off my pants and began...to "spank one off" as fast as i could:
then i heard jake coming up the ladder...and
i couldn't get my pants up fast enough...
he totally caught me -- buttoning up my pants...
"oh well, well, well...what have we here -- ??"
jake kind of bellowed out and then grabbed the top button of my jeans and undid them...again -
exposing my pre-cummed adolescent cock...
he surveyed it - up and down and then without warning he grabbed the middle of the shaft, looked into my eyes and said:
"thats really beautiful..."
and then with his fist around my dick he looked me into the eyes again and for a minute i thought he might kiss me....but he touched my lower lip and ran a finger across it...and then just, paused for a second...
"hey, ya wanna try some of this...? he kind of jutted his chin toward me....
and with that he unbuttoned his pants and pulled out his own cock -- now totally big and hard...and dripping at the head with pre-cum...
"i wont tell anybody you were jerking off up here if you jerk me off too and well call it even...deal?" jake offered up - like kind of like --- blackmail...jake's specialty...
i was shaking...
i nodded:
"yes..."
my dick was now fully hard again looking at Jake's dick...
my dick was that still of a boy but his was the first true male - man, erection i ever saw...
it seemed huge compared to mine...
he had hair on his balls and they hugged the shaft of his cock at first and then when he relaxed and rubbed his dick more they fell down and became two separate nuts hanging there...full of juice...oozing out...
"go ahead man - put your hand around it..." he said guiding my hand to his pole...it was warm, i remember and i got a whiff of his crotch because he wasn't wearing any underwear...
>>>it smelled musky, like a locker room. kinda damp and masculine...
i was experiencing so many feelings...
and then without warning jake directed the head of his cock to my lips and then without talking - maybe i nodded yes - i dunno...
his erection passed over my lips and went into my mouth and i began to suck it...
it felt good and right for me to do it somehow -- connect to jake in this way: i think i was in love with him...
i dunno...
i don't remember much else...
i don't know if i came...
or jerked off my own dick while i sucked him off
but i do remember liking the taste and feeling that it seemed so big in my mouth...
Jake's moves were smooth -- like hed done something like this before...
he was pushing the head and shaft all the way into my throat...his voice becoming soft and almost affectionate...
saying things like:
"thats it -- good boy...you like that???
it feels nice - right ?
good - -- good boy...
oh yeah, it feels so good...oh..fuc yeah...baby..thats it..."
touching the top of my head nice...and stroking my hair -touching the back of my head - and then pulling me closer to him...so the side of my face brushed against his stomach as i sucked him off...and then he wrapped his arms around me....
just then, (and i think jake would have came or was getting ready to come but) my father's secretary came around asking if were were going to lunch or not...
"hey! hey you guys!"
we could hear her from the outside warehouse of the machine shop...
"hey!" she called out - :where are you boys ? what are you two up to...?"
"up here..." jake called down totally cool - like nothing was going on...
jake yelled down>>>
>>>"just up here talking -- sharon..."
..."were getting lunch at "taco joes" - you go ahead..." jake yelled down - putting his wet dick back into his pants quietly and winking at me with his famous devil's grin...
scrambling for the ladder to get downstairs and buttoning up his jeans all at once...
Jake's eyes were bright and shiny...
he looked at me - clean:
"well finish this later -- baby.." he whispered and smiled and then disappeared down the ladder and then began working away in the machine shop...
making noise so everyone could hear him...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
yeah. it was a few days later. after jake and i - well after i sucked Jake's cock that i tried to "off" myself...by drinking the acid...it went down something like this - as i recall:
i had the bottle of swimming pool acid to my lips ready to burn my insides so bad that id never recover, getting the bottle right up to my nose --- in the storage space above my father's office at the lot of his construction company...
i could hear the phones ringing below and the secretaries talking and chatting...i held the bottle tight and breathed in the highly toxic and dangerous to ingest chemical..fuck it was fucking ACID...and i was ready to drink it -- to escape what i was feeling at that time...
what i heard in my head: night and day --- i was still a virgin in both orientations at that time...the voice - the awful foreboding and knowing that it was true...
i preferred to look at the guys - not the girls...
i wanted to kiss dick -- i wanted dick --- ah not jane...
i think i was "in love" with jake and i ached for him and also for gus...
to have gus hold me -
to have jake pull out his big dick again in the crawl space and put it in my mouth...
back then - feeling those feelings seemed like the end of the world...
but that was what ? 1976 or 77 --
you just couldn't be a queer back then --
you just fucking didn't ever talk about shit like that, or you'd wind up fag bashed and nobody would care how it happened --- they would just be glad that it did --
back then the general over-all message was --
"fags deserve to die" and - or --
"get the fags - find out whose a faggot and eliminate them" something like that...
..no questions asked...
everyone was a suspect of wanting to suck dick...
in high school - anyone who looked the wrong way in the gym - while changing into your gym clothes -- or in the showers after wrestling practice -- could get branded
"a queer" forever...
you'd be listed as the school "queer" and trust me
you didn't want that kind of abuse...
shirley Jackson's short story: "the lottery" comes to mind here...
yes.
yeah -- thats right ---
yeah. it really was like that - back in the day...
back in the 70s...and the early 80s...yeah it was - and i'am glad to be sitting here in 2006 still alive to tell the tale...
yeah looking out the hospital window...it all floated out of me and through my mind....jake and gus and giving my first blow job and even still loving my cousin and the deep, deep feelings of wanting to be next to him....
to be continued.....
my blue pajamas - part four....
sean's Blue Pajamas - part three
blake -- and the fooball field...
blue pajamas -- part three continued.....
blake and me....
passed out - ah naked -- on the football field....
yeah for the first time i felt that maybe -- everything was going to be ok...
looking up at the stars...the captain of the wrestling team a sleep - ah passed out next to me...seeing stars....the moon and the clouds...flying over head...and wondering what life all about...
then i lost conciousness...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
the next morning we were awakened by the summer session's girls soccer team coming out onto the field to practice...
my pants were down around my ankles...blake was laying next to me....
empty "miller" bottles scattered around laying on the grass...
the sun glaring down -- harsh reality of the afternoon sun glaring down....
all of a sudden waking up and looking up at the coach...and then seeing blake...
his fine and beautiful cock -- hard and kinda -- lazy >>>
he had a morning hard-on...
hard in the afternoon day sun -- all warm and kinda aglow from getting fucked from the night before...
looking into his eyes and then realizing that we were not alone...
that his johnson was standing straight up in all it's glory kinda flapping in the air, and that dumb - sexy smile of his on that handsome mug that made everyone fall in love with him, his lazy light - fresh -- >>bedroom eyes, gazing into mine - as he began to grin, thinking for a second that we were still alone...
he grins and turns to kiss me--- kinda nuzzles his lips into my neck -- grins, kisses -- licks my face...>>>>>but.........then --
then realizing where we were and remembering the night before -- he reached over to kiss me....and pull his varsity jacket tighter around us...all in the same motion, his mouth about to grace mine...his lips just grazing mine, and then he turned his head....to look upward...."oh my gawwd - holy shit!"
and then whamm -- absolute panic....
"oh my god!!!!!"
we both looked up...
yep -- the female soccer coach standing over us -- with a strange grin, kinda amused, surveying Blakes hard bone and my butt, as I was laying on my stomach, without my pants on, like a strange punishing god -- there she was -- standing right over us....
my pants were about six feet away on the grass, as well as my boxers and one of my boots, the other one was still on...
"Holy shit!!!!" Mrs Cavanuagh!!" blakes says and then he looks at me -- eyes wide...
>>>>>"whats she doing here??"
blake tossed out...
then he just yelled....
"Fuck! shit-- I'am ---- outta here..."
he scrambled and jumped around and then pulled his pants on and ran away home.....
his beautiful torso, jetting onto the horizon.....
and then gone...
>>>>>>>>>>>>
the both of us -- hung-over to shit and both knowing that now, the entire school would know what happened....
blake moved fast and quick--- pulled on his pants - left his t-shirt laying there beside me and ran....away-----
fast>>>> (how many times did i sleep with that t-shirt on knowing that it once had graced his beautiful body....and missing him....kinda sad and longing for him and that night again...and what a price to pay for that innocent and real excstasy....
gone...blake - gone....
just ran away...his body a small dot on the horizon before i knew it....and then he disappeared....
>>>>>>>
i look up----and trying to move quickly to find my clothes....
"Mrs. Cavanugh...I ah, it was ah -- we -- were ah---"
i kinda fumbled for an explanation and my pants at the same time, i grabbed blake's T-shirt and held it in front of my crotch and kinda hunched over, looking into her eyes and knowing there was nothing to explain or say....but then blurted out....
"Its ah -- it's not -- it's hey -- it's not,>>>>>what it looks....like -- I swear -- really..."
I held blake's t-shirt tight -- covering my dick and trying to bend over to grab my boxers and pants...and also trying to cover my butt - ah butthole -- while doing it....
then i slipped on my boxers and bolted....my pants and other boot in my hands...
and just fucking ran -- outta sight....into the parking lot and got into my pick up truck and drove away....
ah ---->>>>>>>>>>>>>>>holy shit....
Blake....
before that night ---
how many times did i wish for and want his butt....seeing his muscled torso in the high school gym showers, see him laughing and snapping towels on his best buddy, Zach, and watching them together and wondering if they were doing "something..." -- gettin it on and who if anyone was on top or bottom??
did they kiss -- were they fuck buds or lovers...?
with each other...???
i wondered....
>>>>>>>The night before....
I could have never known when i went to get my science book from my locker and was going to study for a test that blake would be sitting in his Camero, just sitting there alone and waiting for something...
i grabbed my book from my locker was going home and then i walked over to his car...
"hey man - whats going on blake?" i asked..."what are you doing...??"
he seemed kinda sad and said he was supposed to meet his girlfriend here in the parking lot after her cheerleading practice, and that he saw her talking to Vincent calbrizzi, another wrestler, they got into a fight...maybe even broke up -- he wasn't sure....
I saw that he had a beer in bwtween his legs and took a few swigs off it and offered me one...
i said: "Sure..."
the rest of the night is kind of a blur...we drank a six pack together, we went and got another one with blake's fake ID and then we got one more after that at the gas station mini-mart and tehn we went onto the football ball...the sexy, bright full moon above, and blake all drunk and we were laughing about certain teachers and howling over shit that the gym coach said when he's trying to be all rough and hard-core...and blake was imitating the coach and stuff like that, and then i swear the next thing i know blake was running around with his shirt off, and then his pants trying to climb the football field goal, bare-ass naked...well he had on his jockstrap, but nothing else....
then he got half-way up there burning his thighs trying and then fell, and i almost like, caught him and i was laughing too, and then he fell and then we both looked at each other and then at the same time...boom, we kissed: he did it and i did it too, our mouths just met and then kissing...and then blake got a hard bone and i never sucked off a guy but i went right down on his fine, sturdy, kinda big one...
i had seen it in the showers, like i told you and once kinda half hard, but never like this, under the moon and totally hard and him kissing me - and then kind of pushing my head back down, like saying: "yeah suck it more..." and "it never felt like this before when julie did it...oh god yeah -- lick my balls..." and it just all happened...
he turned me over and started fucking me....and then he asked me to fuck him...and all the while he was talking saying stuff like:
"you ever fuck guys before??"
"you ever suck a guys cock before...??"
"do you like that ??"
"will you fuck me??"
"you have such nice eyes..."
and then kissing again and then i dont remember really...
we just passed after after fucking and laughing and kissing some more...the last thing i remember was the low clouds moving swiftly over head and the moon shinning through them and the warmth of the night...and the way blake smelled and kissed and fucked...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
"Ah MRS. CAVANUGH....oh my god-- we were just fucking around..i mean fooling and around and we had some beers...thats all!" i said and then ran away...
she was shaking her head from side to side and and kind of looked like she really didn't care - she just wanted me off the field...
i sat in the high school parking lot....for about an hour: now fully clothed again...trying to think of some stroy or something...if i was confronted by a teacher or any of my buds at school or my parents...
blake was gone...man. my one chance, and i got what i wanted but would never have it again...or so i thought...
>>>>>>>>>sitting there in my truck...alone and then crying...
i just had like -- my honeymoon or something: something beautiful with blake and real and just natural....
and now i was gonna get a divorce...
I knew i'd never really, ever talk to blake again....
we both knew that we were toast...totally found out...that everyone would say that:
we were "butt-fucking fags...."
our lives would never be the same...
the night before everything seemed so natural, the way it happened, just two guys hanging out -- laughing, having fun - cracking jokes under the summer moon, and playin around and then ah well we fucked, and it was cool and i liked it...yeah >>>>>so much
and i think blake did too -
and we kissed and it was awesome and then we just fell a sleep in each other's arms, like totally normal...but then, reality, of course, yeah things would never be the same....
and they weren't...
blake was a senior and -- and hed be going up to USC soon and leave me with one year left to face the music...
i know now that my heart was broken...kind of had the brass ring in my hand -- and then -- it was snatched away...
i went hone and showered and then realized that I'd be late for work...to work at my dad's construction company...just to take off the edge, yeah i bought a six pack and drank it on the way to work....
blakes kisses kinda still fresh on my lips and all and remembering the way he moved and looked and asked me to fuck him, kind of like he wasnt sure if id do it or not, and yeah , he took it like a champ and really seemed to dig it, and just told me what to do...and kissed me when i stared fucking him...and all this, blake kinda asking for my cock and fucking another guy for the first time - let alone kissing, well the whole thing kinda seemed unreal and beautiful and dark and forbidden and confusing and wonderful....
i pulled into the construction yard with a buzz on...and my cousin jake walked over to my truck...
"Your late - shit head...." he nodded into the pick up window...
"yeah - I know...i'll be in -- in a minute..."
blue pajamas -- part three continued.....
blake and me....
passed out - ah naked -- on the football field....
yeah for the first time i felt that maybe -- everything was going to be ok...
looking up at the stars...the captain of the wrestling team a sleep - ah passed out next to me...seeing stars....the moon and the clouds...flying over head...and wondering what life all about...
then i lost conciousness...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
the next morning we were awakened by the summer session's girls soccer team coming out onto the field to practice...
my pants were down around my ankles...blake was laying next to me....
empty "miller" bottles scattered around laying on the grass...
the sun glaring down -- harsh reality of the afternoon sun glaring down....
all of a sudden waking up and looking up at the coach...and then seeing blake...
his fine and beautiful cock -- hard and kinda -- lazy >>>
he had a morning hard-on...
hard in the afternoon day sun -- all warm and kinda aglow from getting fucked from the night before...
looking into his eyes and then realizing that we were not alone...
that his johnson was standing straight up in all it's glory kinda flapping in the air, and that dumb - sexy smile of his on that handsome mug that made everyone fall in love with him, his lazy light - fresh -- >>bedroom eyes, gazing into mine - as he began to grin, thinking for a second that we were still alone...
he grins and turns to kiss me--- kinda nuzzles his lips into my neck -- grins, kisses -- licks my face...>>>>>but.........then --
then realizing where we were and remembering the night before -- he reached over to kiss me....and pull his varsity jacket tighter around us...all in the same motion, his mouth about to grace mine...his lips just grazing mine, and then he turned his head....to look upward...."oh my gawwd - holy shit!"
and then whamm -- absolute panic....
"oh my god!!!!!"
we both looked up...
yep -- the female soccer coach standing over us -- with a strange grin, kinda amused, surveying Blakes hard bone and my butt, as I was laying on my stomach, without my pants on, like a strange punishing god -- there she was -- standing right over us....
my pants were about six feet away on the grass, as well as my boxers and one of my boots, the other one was still on...
"Holy shit!!!!" Mrs Cavanuagh!!" blakes says and then he looks at me -- eyes wide...
>>>>>"whats she doing here??"
blake tossed out...
then he just yelled....
"Fuck! shit-- I'am ---- outta here..."
he scrambled and jumped around and then pulled his pants on and ran away home.....
his beautiful torso, jetting onto the horizon.....
and then gone...
>>>>>>>>>>>>
the both of us -- hung-over to shit and both knowing that now, the entire school would know what happened....
blake moved fast and quick--- pulled on his pants - left his t-shirt laying there beside me and ran....away-----
fast>>>> (how many times did i sleep with that t-shirt on knowing that it once had graced his beautiful body....and missing him....kinda sad and longing for him and that night again...and what a price to pay for that innocent and real excstasy....
gone...blake - gone....
just ran away...his body a small dot on the horizon before i knew it....and then he disappeared....
>>>>>>>
i look up----and trying to move quickly to find my clothes....
"Mrs. Cavanugh...I ah, it was ah -- we -- were ah---"
i kinda fumbled for an explanation and my pants at the same time, i grabbed blake's T-shirt and held it in front of my crotch and kinda hunched over, looking into her eyes and knowing there was nothing to explain or say....but then blurted out....
"Its ah -- it's not -- it's hey -- it's not,>>>>>what it looks....like -- I swear -- really..."
I held blake's t-shirt tight -- covering my dick and trying to bend over to grab my boxers and pants...and also trying to cover my butt - ah butthole -- while doing it....
then i slipped on my boxers and bolted....my pants and other boot in my hands...
and just fucking ran -- outta sight....into the parking lot and got into my pick up truck and drove away....
ah ---->>>>>>>>>>>>>>>holy shit....
Blake....
before that night ---
how many times did i wish for and want his butt....seeing his muscled torso in the high school gym showers, see him laughing and snapping towels on his best buddy, Zach, and watching them together and wondering if they were doing "something..." -- gettin it on and who if anyone was on top or bottom??
did they kiss -- were they fuck buds or lovers...?
with each other...???
i wondered....
>>>>>>>The night before....
I could have never known when i went to get my science book from my locker and was going to study for a test that blake would be sitting in his Camero, just sitting there alone and waiting for something...
i grabbed my book from my locker was going home and then i walked over to his car...
"hey man - whats going on blake?" i asked..."what are you doing...??"
he seemed kinda sad and said he was supposed to meet his girlfriend here in the parking lot after her cheerleading practice, and that he saw her talking to Vincent calbrizzi, another wrestler, they got into a fight...maybe even broke up -- he wasn't sure....
I saw that he had a beer in bwtween his legs and took a few swigs off it and offered me one...
i said: "Sure..."
the rest of the night is kind of a blur...we drank a six pack together, we went and got another one with blake's fake ID and then we got one more after that at the gas station mini-mart and tehn we went onto the football ball...the sexy, bright full moon above, and blake all drunk and we were laughing about certain teachers and howling over shit that the gym coach said when he's trying to be all rough and hard-core...and blake was imitating the coach and stuff like that, and then i swear the next thing i know blake was running around with his shirt off, and then his pants trying to climb the football field goal, bare-ass naked...well he had on his jockstrap, but nothing else....
then he got half-way up there burning his thighs trying and then fell, and i almost like, caught him and i was laughing too, and then he fell and then we both looked at each other and then at the same time...boom, we kissed: he did it and i did it too, our mouths just met and then kissing...and then blake got a hard bone and i never sucked off a guy but i went right down on his fine, sturdy, kinda big one...
i had seen it in the showers, like i told you and once kinda half hard, but never like this, under the moon and totally hard and him kissing me - and then kind of pushing my head back down, like saying: "yeah suck it more..." and "it never felt like this before when julie did it...oh god yeah -- lick my balls..." and it just all happened...
he turned me over and started fucking me....and then he asked me to fuck him...and all the while he was talking saying stuff like:
"you ever fuck guys before??"
"you ever suck a guys cock before...??"
"do you like that ??"
"will you fuck me??"
"you have such nice eyes..."
and then kissing again and then i dont remember really...
we just passed after after fucking and laughing and kissing some more...the last thing i remember was the low clouds moving swiftly over head and the moon shinning through them and the warmth of the night...and the way blake smelled and kissed and fucked...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
"Ah MRS. CAVANUGH....oh my god-- we were just fucking around..i mean fooling and around and we had some beers...thats all!" i said and then ran away...
she was shaking her head from side to side and and kind of looked like she really didn't care - she just wanted me off the field...
i sat in the high school parking lot....for about an hour: now fully clothed again...trying to think of some stroy or something...if i was confronted by a teacher or any of my buds at school or my parents...
blake was gone...man. my one chance, and i got what i wanted but would never have it again...or so i thought...
>>>>>>>>>sitting there in my truck...alone and then crying...
i just had like -- my honeymoon or something: something beautiful with blake and real and just natural....
and now i was gonna get a divorce...
I knew i'd never really, ever talk to blake again....
we both knew that we were toast...totally found out...that everyone would say that:
we were "butt-fucking fags...."
our lives would never be the same...
the night before everything seemed so natural, the way it happened, just two guys hanging out -- laughing, having fun - cracking jokes under the summer moon, and playin around and then ah well we fucked, and it was cool and i liked it...yeah >>>>>so much
and i think blake did too -
and we kissed and it was awesome and then we just fell a sleep in each other's arms, like totally normal...but then, reality, of course, yeah things would never be the same....
and they weren't...
blake was a senior and -- and hed be going up to USC soon and leave me with one year left to face the music...
i know now that my heart was broken...kind of had the brass ring in my hand -- and then -- it was snatched away...
i went hone and showered and then realized that I'd be late for work...to work at my dad's construction company...just to take off the edge, yeah i bought a six pack and drank it on the way to work....
blakes kisses kinda still fresh on my lips and all and remembering the way he moved and looked and asked me to fuck him, kind of like he wasnt sure if id do it or not, and yeah , he took it like a champ and really seemed to dig it, and just told me what to do...and kissed me when i stared fucking him...and all this, blake kinda asking for my cock and fucking another guy for the first time - let alone kissing, well the whole thing kinda seemed unreal and beautiful and dark and forbidden and confusing and wonderful....
i pulled into the construction yard with a buzz on...and my cousin jake walked over to my truck...
"Your late - shit head...." he nodded into the pick up window...
"yeah - I know...i'll be in -- in a minute..."
Thursday, February 8, 2007
Sean's Blue Pajamas - part two
Sean's blue pajamas - part two
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
time.
watches and clocks and timepieces...
time doesn't seem to be on my side here...
i dunno -- i'am in my 40's -- i've lived in nyc almost 25 years...and still haven't figured out a way to make a living from my writing...
I still haven't found the lover of my "dreams..." or lived in the imaginary loft--space that i long for..((complete with fireplace and zen garden...)
i have had some awesome mind-blowing sex - been on some incredible road trips...fell in love and was loved -- had some mind-bending and life - altering "near-death" experiences...
ive had ....ah -- a few std's -- alot of pain and even some joy so --- what the hell...it's just been a wild ride anyway you look at it...
the passage of time...
time -- it's a strange thing to always feel the same "inside" and yet, have to watch your body, your "outsides" change and walk through time and begin to age...
time - dreams -- sleeping - being awake..being here and not being here : being present...growing old...
the clicking away of time seems a comfort to me...
passing the time -
i really like listening to music -- and looking at all my clocks...and watches and smoking cigs and drinking coffee. i love watching the "weather channel..." when i wake up and wondering if everything really is just a long beautiful - fucked up hallucination called a dream...
knowing some day i'll return to my "home" on the other side...with some great memories of - "this place..."
and yeah -- i also wonder if the world is going to end -- with a bang or a whimper but yes, i wonder if the end is near...like everyone else alive today...
indeed -- i wonder if were not too immature to resist the need to self destruct...ourselves or the world...
yeah - the entire planet....
time...
passing...as my body gets older...
clocks and watches are: (to me) a reassurance that soon enough i'll be able to fly again and wander the heavens without the restrictions of the flesh...as an unlimited spirit...perhaps gazing down on humanity or missing being "in a body.." and having sex and eating ice cream...and drinking coffee...
and so it goes...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
perhaps i really did incarnate here just to smoke cigs and drink coffee, which i have joked to friends...
"yeah my prupose here is to smoke cigs -- hehee
i came into this lifetime just to smoke cigarettes and sample coffee..."
Coffee...
for some reason - this morning -- while looking for my pajama bottoms - i thought of my cousin jake...
I sat down on the bed for a minute --
i put my hands to my forhead...
and mumbled aloud...
"fuck - fuck - fuck - fuck - fuck - fuck ---- FUCK....!
yeah --- i fucking woke up "here" again..."
then i thought of jake and the dream again...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
a nod to "Quantum Mechanics..." here or "Meta-physics"
which i have studied extensively -- here's a primer on "reality" \\" for dummies..."
the more spiritual savvy one is the more all your past lives run together - and the less "linear" time is ---
and likewise if time is not really "linear" but occurs across a spectrum - of past present and future - then all your lifetimes (and mine) are occuring similtaneously...
something akin to hitting the "change channel" on your remote control and just watching the flashing channels...and then finding the one channel to view... ((which is...)>>>"your "lifetime" here">>>
and then leaving that channel on for awhile...
ah sort of...it's something like that -- does that makes sense??
i dunno - anyway...better said another way...
"life is along series of dreams wrapped inside a few hallucinations...sprinkled by a vision that began in a day dream...somehwere in the mind of god...
or "we have one soul - that has many different bodies..."
my body sits on the edge of the bed...
i think of my cousin: jake...
it all kinda blurs together...a few minutes ago i was naked, looking for my pj's -- then i was out the door on the street and then i was at the counter of the corner bodega --
saying "hey" to the guy who always works the afternoon shift...the afternoon guy always, just throws the blue pack of "american spirits" brand on the counter when he sees me and then says
"good morning" - with a big smile -- and asks me;
"you want coffee this morning...?" even though its early afternoon...
i guess it's always obvious that i just woke up...
>>>>>>>>>>>>
just woke up....
sometimes hours pass and i don't know what i did or where i went...
becuase i have a hard time maintaining a totally "linear" reality...
i dont really think its wise for me to put alcohol or drugs into my body -- regarding my specific mental emotional psychic make up -- which is kind of a strange beautiful? potpurri of )(odd genius? -- or so my friends tell me )of
other-worldly connections -- a propensity to languish dazed and comfortable in the blues of depression: melancholy seeping out of me affecting every one around me -- coupled with a kinda non-stop low grade rage and a sardonnic hysterical - like smile, -- ah -- grin --
and a powerful gaze that most can't hold...
like, basically i'am always saying...
"go ahead make my fuckin - fucked up day....I dare ya..."
i know this about myself --
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
i remember -- >> my cousin jake...
i dreamt of him coming into my bedroom last night
and he was standing over me --
i awoke in the dream and said..."Jake??"
and then he said...
"hey - kirk ---i wanted to tell that you i'am sorry..."
looking down on me as he stood over the bed...
"i'am sorry for all the things i did to you and that i'am part of the reason why you hated it here for so long...
I truly am sorry that you wanted to end your life here and that i guess i was part of that...
i came here because i want to hold you...let me sit down next to you...i want to heal you..."
and then in the dream sequence he slipped into bed with me and held me and whispered:
"it's ok...it's going to be ok...i'am so, so sorry for all the things i did to you...
I truly am, i'am sorry..."
then i woke up...
then he vanished and the dream was over...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
i had my first flirting with "self destruction"
or wanting to commit suicide, i guess, at around 15 - maybe 16...
at first writing a kind of a "suicide/poetry" note, entitled:
"Suicide - The Ultimate ride..." around 1976 or so...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>1976 -- orange county california --
land of republicans and "homo-haters" the western hub of "all-americans" sports stars...prom queens and beauty queens...
back in 1976...
you were just terribly alone with all your questions and panic...and the pain of knowing...that you might be >>>gay.
isolated and alone...and terrfied of being "different" and what that would mean to you or your parents... and the residual stress of hiding the fact that:
instead of wanting to "high five" your other team mates on the wrestling league what you really wanted to do was get fucked by them...
back then i was 17 without a soul to talk to...and all that isolation...
fear...
a fear that became it's own energy - aprt from me...asking for my destruction...
the fear and pain created an ache in me that i don't think will ever go away or be cured and
now today -- maybe i don't want it to...
it always seems to be there -- burned into me as a tatto onto the skin of my psyche...
forver in my dna -- and my blood --
when i see a handsome guy on the street or in a restaurant --
the kind of panic and awe and excitement that sweeps through your heart when you look at some really handsome dude and go --
"fuck - that guy is so beautiful..."
i wanna touch him... kiss him, hold his hand-- i want to get fucked by him...alone...somewhere far away...from here...
you panic...as if the entrie world can see...the ache of your heart...the racing terror of a closeted 15 year old with no one to tell...yeah -- in the 70s....
have a nice day...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
today -
last night i had this dream of my cousin...
and for the rest of the afternoon...after i woke up:
i sat there in my kitchen, in my blue pajamas, drinking coffee and thinking about it all...
1976 >>>>
stress relief and wanting out...and self destruction...:
>>>after procurring my first dose of cocaine from one of father's construction workers in his mid 30's --- "jason" who was kind of a rod Stewart look a like -- and yeah i would have gladly sucked him off: and gratefully serviced that guy had he whipped it out --- while we were sampling his ah "product..." in a darkened suburban living room...sitting on the couch together...geting high...
in the afternoons -- but it never happened...
i would have paind god or the devil -- to have jason just grab his cock and get it hard and full in front of me and say something like -"hey man -- wanna be a bro and service my piece???"
but it never happened.
jason was basically straight and had a girlfriend --- "morgan..." whom he got pregnant and she got an abortion...but there was always something in his eyes that kinda hinted: "yeah ill let you suck it man...maybe -- someday...on the right day...i promise..."
i remember the day morgan got an abortion --
when
she got it --
i was - i think 16 at the time...
we all were at the lakehouse in Arizona...
hanging out and water-skiing, and taking the boats out - it was in july -- hot as hell, in the middle of the desert...but on a beautiful private lake...
morgan was just laying there looking "half-green" like she didn't feel so good...
so i asked jason what was "up" with her and then he brought me to the back of the house...in the garage, where the moto-cross bikes and all the sports equipment was stored...
he pulls out a small brown glass vile of white powder...
he looks at me...and says:
"you want some of this --?"
as he grabs-dabs a tiny spoon into the vile and whiffs it up both of his nostrils...wham-bamm - likidy-split-mother-fucker-bboom it was gone...
he cupped his nose closed and threw his head back...
"ahhhh"
i knew exaclty what it was... and what he was doing and yeah -- fuck yeah -- i wanted to try it...
i wanted to try it around him - with him -- closeted as i was -- latent buried - homo-sexual energies exploding in my loins and ass: the both of us shirtless and baked warm from laying in the sun and swimming in the lake...all day...
and then --
cocaine...
a way out...
my heart raced -- i kinda blanked out for a moment --
and tried to breath --
"ah yeah,-- fuck yeah i'am ready...i want it..." i breathed the words...whsipered...them to jason...and looked up into his bloddshot perfect blue eyes...
my stomache a-buzz and my dick-head kind of oozing pre-cum because i was so aroused from watching jason's body dry in the sun -- from the desert heat...from wondering what he looked like with his swim trunks on...
jason -- blonde and blue all over -- the perfect surfer type hot hottie that everyone wanted....the flash of white teeth - the perfect california smile...the muscled pshsyique...he was a dream...
he looked me in the eyes...deep...and said...
"if your dad finds out about this i'am screwed ok? so don't go getting all, out of hand -- I'll give you a good hit --- but ya gotta be cool...ok?"
"ok. uh -- i won't...i'am ready - i'am good -- ok...i want it -- lets go...go ahead>>> ok. hit me.."
i was scared and yeah fuked up nervous...
i told him yeah -- "lets go..."
he sticks a tiny spoon under my nose...
gives me a good, lil - >>>kinda big - hit of some "nose candy" and then tells me that morgan was just at an abortion clinic...
the powder hit me...stronger than i thought it could be:
whamm whamm - bamm, boom it disapeared up my nose -- it was gone.
i was in love...
feeling good for the first time since i could remember and all those "voices" in my head and all those yearnings to explore and all those dreams of sucking off another guy in the back seat of my "ranchero" pick up truck.
all those feelings for other guys and all those images of their bodies and asses and cocks in the high school gym or in the showers:
remembering what their dicks looked like tucked into their jockstraps -- or the thoughts of me sniffing their armpits>>>>>>>>of kissing them --- and them snapping towels in the showers and day dreaming of them kissing me -- yep with that one hit of cocaine, all of that >>>>pain and panic >>>was gone...
a few months later i was basically spending around three hundred dollars a month on "blow..."
(cocaine was 100.00 a gram at that time...) so that amount supported three nights of "fun..."during a months period...
(fairly moderate use at that time...)
>>>>>>>>>>>
now. 2006
I'am sitting in my kitchen remembering..."
what it was like back then...
in the past>>>
as i get to the point where iam about to feel all that despair and pain -- and fear and terror and rage --
all the feelings i had in the 70s -- growing up...
i either vomit or blo a load or explode in a rage...
i always get up to the vanishing point of aknowledging the sum total of what i've lived through and i always - usually expell something from my body before my lower chakras open to expose - what i'am about to tell you next...
before it can all come out...
i either find some dude to blo a load up my ass - or find some hole to blo my own in...
i get into a "relationship" that almost always destroys me or i find a way to fuck myself somehow:
either, emotionally or phsyically...
I just find a way to -- ah -- injure my self or throw off most of my energy- like just enough to keep me in a "survival mode..."
because then - then i wont have to remember that time -- back then -- at 16, when i wanted to end my life bad enough to actually act on it
all those feelings of "self-hatred" and being totally, simply: fucking "lost..."
lost and never really found...
some core part of me -- always -- lost in time -- lost back there....
>>> not ever really, fully breathing....
completly out of my body...as i told you -- years of hatred pushed on you by hate - filled hetros -- who kinda suspected you were "a queer" or "a fag"
"hey man -- god hates fags..."
yeah in 2006 -
my immune system nearly non-existant and being re-built by chemicals -- made in a labroatory -- having all ready "died" or been near-death, three times...and having been sent back from the "other-side..." with the psychic message:
"no. it's not your time...go back..."
today:
it doesn't seem to matter that i was born different...sometimes when your self esteem hits rock bottom --->>>>>>you think to yourself...
it doesn't matter to seem that i was born at all...
and then you watch: "It's a wonderful life again..."
and start crying and alot of pain goes away...
today --
all that pain...
until now: it was never allowed to surface to a concoius - sum total idea of thought and feeling --- the pain --
couldn't really surface until now --->>> and now it was manifesting...as "dis-ease..."
devastating my entire system...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
when the doctor came into my hospital room and said:
"I'am sorry to have tell you -
you've got>>>>>
full blown -- "aids..."
it didn't surprise me--
the doctor came in and said that my liver enzymes were elevated to the point of failure...
the liver in a symbolic sense caries the anger and rage of the person -- their: bile...
my kidneys were "in trouble..." also:
I actually "passed" a kidney stone walking to the hospital emergency room...all of the nurses and interns came into to see: "the guy that passed the kidney stone walking up eighth avenue..." they were kind of in awe of me..actually...
I was just glad it over -- but no - actually it was just beginning...
90 percent of my body was covered in a strange rash...
I was dehydrated and had lost over 40 pounds...
i collapsed in the emergency room but all the while never guessed that i was indeed - hiv positive, let alone figured that it had progressed to the point of devastating my immune system and yeah - becoming - full blown aids...
i really - truly...
had no clue what was happening to me ---
i lay there waiting - to die or be healed and thinking about my life and everything that happened...
before i got the news...
now in retrospect the ghosts - the phantoms of pain and everything that happened in the 60s and 70s and 80s to me just didn't matter anymore --
those feelings and fear and rage spewed out of me for around three months --
from november until january...
i was bed ridden for Thanksgiving and christmas and new years...laying there alone - thinking...about my life...and wanting out of it...
when my immune system began to fail -- late last february... - it really wasn't a surprise at all...
no.
the immune system represents your ability to protect yourself, as the body's defense system... after what?
30 or so years on "high alert" just waiting for some invisible bat to crack your head wide open..
at anytime or anywhere --
suddenly i got a rash -- the doctor said that it was from "Stress..."
i began to get sick -- it was in my consciousness i guess to end up like this right ?
this is what the world does to gay people -- drills it's hatred into you until you finally buckle --- commit suicide to get the fuck out --
yeah --
stressful...
hiding and trying to keep all that energy inside of you - the most primitive feelings a person can have -- to love and to want to be loved --
some straight people would have you think that all gay people chose to be the way they are...and if you think about it for just two minutes...
no one would choose to become societies scapegoat...
the average straight person today has enough stress simply trying to make ends meet - hold it together and find some love for themselves...right?
and still there maxed...having to take prozac and happy pills...drinking and fucking and getting divorced - all the while holding themselves up to be some paragon of virtue...
i look at their lives and think --
"fuck -- theyve got it so easy...
they got the support of their families and society and they still buckle under the pressure..."
too much stress - for everyone...
you wake up one day in your 13 year old body and realize:
these feelings are never going to change...
you admit to yourself...
"your gay...-- and theres nothing you can do about it..."
there you are - with your life circumstances...and you would give anything to change them -- anything...
but of course, you can't...
how many times did i pray to god...to please- "change me..."
or heard from shrinks --
"you can change if you want to..."
well...guess what ?
fuck them -- and fuck them all...
swilling alcohol and valium and probably shoving dildoes up their own asses every night while no ones looking -- yeah man -- fuck them all...
and fuck the homo-phobic world...
well, thats the way it was back then , when i was growing up...
"you know your gonna die of >>>AIDS..."
straight people said it to me all the time...and to gay guys in general in the 80s...
they just kept drilling into you that it was inevitable that you were gonna die a horrible death -- and that you deserved it -- all in the name of jesus...amen...
it's still like that in the deep south and parts of the mid-west...
my heart really goes out to all the gay guys whose everyday life is a psychic battleground of fear and violence projected onto them by "christian right wing" sickos -- who think that god is a "straight" white man with a beard sitting on a throne in the heavens trying to make sure all fags have a terrible ending to their lives...
or make sure that they never have any love...
when they themselves haven't a clue as to what it is....
yeah - like i said - fuck them...
"you've got full blown aids..."
(time to start your happy day...)
"full blown aids..."
>>>>>>>>>>how many times through the years that i practiced safe sex...had lovers and we were almost afraid to touch each other...
how many times did i think to myself:
"i just cant take this anymore"
...wondering - worrying - waiting to be struck sick...
just for being queer - "
"A Queer."
watching young guys my age simply whither and die and watch the reagan white-house throw all these star studded parties at the white-house and never once was there was a mention that there was a virus that was lethal...in all the urban centers of the country...
no. nobody cared cuz it was fags that were dying...
from the president on down -- no - nobody would speak of it...and it just continued to bury every one you loved, in silence...unchecked and ravaging...
and all those white house parties and talk of who - was wearing what in those "bonsai-bonanza" - leveraged buy-out 80s...and all that media coverage...of "Nancy's" "little red dresses..." in all that time...no one came forward....
no.
no one said anything...>>>
fags were dropping...no one cared...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
2006...a frosty hospital pane of glass overlooked the grey skyscape...there i was >>>
full of percodan and morphine and confusion...
a doctor entered my room, bedside..."
and uttered those words...
"full blown aids..."
my body relaxed for the first time in years...
and i just let go...
it was a relief...actually...
to know that i was dying...
and going to leave a world that didn't really want me....
i finally relaxed and gave up...
i couldn't fight all those voices anymore...
i couldn't hold off the pain and rage and fear and grief...
my friend kiel - who died at age 26 - visited me in my dreams for many months after he passed...and many, many more...some i cant even remember...
i fell into the abyss of grief and tried to ignore it -- but it was always obvious...always snagged me bedside when i would awake in a night-sweat of fear or panic...
and then id just push it down and try to go forward...
and i did that for almost two decades....
but then -->>>>>>>>>>>>
i got sick...
I got real, real -- sick...
the doctors didn't really know what to say except...
"most of your bodies major systems are failing right now -- they are shutting down..."
the unspoken message: >>>>>>"kirk - you're dying..."
and secretly through the percodan and morphine haze -
i just thought>>>
"thank god iam just, gonna get to leave this awful place and finally just -- get, to go --->>>>"home..."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
forever ago:
i grew up in a time when there were no laws to protect you if you were accused by being a fag...in fact - it was used as an excuse for murder, many times...and the fag bashers always got away with it...
got away with murder...
and likewise...
i wont bore you with the fact that all gay people - back then, were also labeled "mentally ill..." and alot of them were locked up into psyche wards...
because they couldn't hide who or - what they were born as...
1976 -
my high school - sunny - "happy" california...
yep back then anyone could be suspected of being a fag...
and you always had to defend the fact that you weren't -
"a fucking fag..." who
"just wants to suck dick..."
the sunny california 70s of my youth...
california -- 1976 -- seemed like a long - long way away --->>> as i lay in a midtown west hospital bed -- just being diagnosed with a terminal illness - and taking two "percodans" for pain...handed to you on a tray from the floor nurse...
"full blown aids..."
have a nice day.....
I weighed a total of 110 pounds -- forty pounds less than what my normal weight should be - i looked like "ET" the extraterrestrial...and actually i felt like that also...
my mind going back wards trying to trace the threads of my life as i watched the slow - slow drip of the potassium-saline solution drip into the IV and then into the needle in my arm...
doctors and nurses came and went -- telling me things -- asking me questions...i don't remember much of that time...just a haze...a bluish white haze coming out of my body or my aura...
my worst nightmare (finally) manifesting...right before me as a horrible death for all to see...
evidence that the "christians" were right....
somewhere i had the vague thought..
"how did i get here...?"
my body was a knot of pain and rage...
bewilderment...and light...
and although the "Christians" would have left me in the street for dead and praised jesus for it...god had other plans...
indeed...
an uncountable number of angels appeared...to heal me, bring me back...tell me how much they loved me...help in so many ways...my nurses seemed like apparitions of love..through the haze...the "portals" opening up over my bed as they were...angels whispering --
"kirk -- do you really wanna go (home) now?...
if you really want go well take you there...and if somewhere you want to stay then well make it ok...." and then they would vanish...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
today -- my consolation seems to be that maybe, somebody - somewhere - some day will hear my story -- the story which I'am telling you now-- and then maybe change their closed minds about how all gay people choose to be
"the way they are..."
i love the line -- "you choose that lifestyle..." thats a "killer" -- really - thats the best one yet...
to state the obvious -- the hiv virus is contracted from a specific series of behaviors...it has nothing to do with how you live your life...
i would have given my soul to have been straight and married in the suburbs with two kids a hummer off road vehicle sucking gas and sending our troops to war for more oil...yeah --- a week end boat in the garage...and the Rv parked on the side yard....
but no --
ah yeah - like I said...god had other plans...
there was no getting around it -- bro -- i buckled under the pressure after 30 years...and
yep - i liked it - "up the ass..." and when i finally started doing it -- "bare-backing" without condoms -- it was a revelation -- and i didn't plan on stopping...
I wanted out....i had been convicted and punished and sentenced..the only thing left to do, of course -->>>was commit the crime....
i had monogamous relationships for many years..then single and sitting home watching late night cable...
the playboy channel - watch the glorification of heterosexuality...in film and literature -- not the glorification of hetero - marriage but hetero - "out of wed lock" sex...
i was like, you know what - ?
fuck them -- they can act out -- right ?
they can swing their dicks all over the place -- and try to get some "trim.." "pussy.." "ass..." but when a gay guy decides to flex his sexual appetites...
yeah then god's punishment is close at hand..
yeah...
yes -- it is true that after 15 years of having totally safe and protected sex - in monogamous - committed relationships -- up until around the year 2000 when my-
on again - off again lover of 7 years and i parted of the ways and "divorced.."
in the year 2000...
when in my father passed away - my birth mother returned from a 26 year disappearance... and my step mother told me that shed never ever accept me for "being gay..." and just for the record -- yeah disinherited me for - yep, being a fag...
and my best friend died from complications of a lethal mix of anorexia - meth addiction - diet pills and fear**
(**homo-phobia and anti-Semitism vented on him his whole life...he wasn't nearly as strong as me and twice as psychically sensitive...i always, kinda knew he wouldn't make it, and loved him twice as much while he was here and miss him deeply - Drew was jewish and also my best friend and one of the few people that ever "got me..." and my humor..
I started to crack....and then my first lover, danny, died from aids -- after a 15 battle with a depressed immune system -- mixed in with the 911 terrorist attack, and the fall out -- red alert...
that my body began to age and show the signs of wear and tear: that the real "fun" began...
guess what ?
I was turning 40...
my youth was fading:
but all of this occurring still wasn't enough to break me down....just completely neurotic in a genius sort of way, mind you but not totally - completely just have your entire body and psyche and mind absolutely -- just shut off and say -- "ok man-- no more...I'am tired and I've had it...I cant take anymore..."
no --
it was all of the above - that transpired in the course of about 18 months -- coupled with a few of my less than ethical coworkers who tend bar with me trying to basically, get me fired, simply because they wanted my lucrative bar shifts...
yeah that and the fact that the building owner where i live decided to renovate the vacant apartment next to me -- --
two months of jackhammering, hammering and work men coming and going all afternoon which is, as i told you, my prime REM sleep time -- i was sleep deprived...starved for rest...
i wasn't in therapy at the time but i was looking for a therapist to discuss my "grief" with --
i was totally depraved of sleep from the next door-apartment daily construction...
and then yeah -- i decided that i would meditate...in order to regain my center -- find my inner strength -- and then the floodgates of my fear -- i guess opened...
heres the corker that threw me over the edge....
cockroaches....
thats right every cockroach from the all the apartments on my floor -- began to be dislodged from the hammering and putting up of new dry wall,
and then my apartment - my sanctuary, began to be filled with pestilence, mice and cockroaches and ah -- more cockroaches....they were everywhere....
i sat there meditating -- nervous and working on about three hours of sleep each night...
like i said: cockroaches were everywhere...
in my bed...
in my coffee cups...
in the refrigerator..crawling across me at night...
yeah finally -- i guess i think no, then i was >>>just totally maxed....
ah -- yeah i just -- finally "fuckin snapped..."
to say the least...
i really just wasn't there any more....
>>>i began going to after hours sex clubs ---
having - unprotected - "bare-back" sex at first as kind of a thrill -- to say "fuck the world"
and everything else here and then i guess - if the real truth be told...maybe mainly because all my friends - were "gone" or had fallen away after becoming hiv positive...
and my support to remain hiv negative was basically gone...
yeah i bare-backed in order to infect myself and hopefully die and leave this fucked up world...
in peace...
it would be a nice big gay "goodbye"
ah --->>>>yeah -- bye....
"God hates fags..." right?
have a nice day.....
it's all-right if - in the name of jesus, our country can send scores of young men to war in the middle east to defend the country ? and die...
or secure the mother-load of oil for a few wealthy fat-cats in washington -- in the name of god and god bless america -- and if they all die then thats honor and duty to country -- then the "thall shall not kill..." commandment doesn't really apply in this case but hell yeah it sure does when two men wanna suck it each other's dicks in the privacy of their own homes or even, god forbid, create a scared union of monogamy and trust together -- then no -- god's punishing hand will be right there...
in the name of the bible...it's against "man's law..."
homo-sexuality...
yeah -- even if you were born that way...
ah -- you dont deserve the same rights as everyone else...
no...
youll always be a freak and an outsider...
god will never love you and youll never have any love...
and all this swirled around my body and mind and yes i admit it -- finally after 40 years of trying to roll with it all --
i just let go...
i broke down...
i had unsafe sex -
i acted out my death wish...
i bare-backed without condoms...yep i just wanted to die...
to fuck and die....
and get the hell out...
just like all the others who didn't make it as far as i had...
yeah i infected myself --
i wanted the fuck out...
and was willing to simply let my body die out to escape my circumstances here ---
but like i said...
that was not god's plan --
because i'am still here and fuck-shit no --
i guess --
it just wasn't "my time..." to go...
time...something to be endured or mastered...
time...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
this too shall pass....
the timepieces in my kitchen -- tick away....
tick tick tick -- and really life speeds by like a few minutes...doesn't it ?
for good or for bad...it just seems to vanish...
>>>>>>>>>
i lay there in the hospital watching all the memories: "my life" float out of me...
my heart chakra spinning from trying to heal it all:
but i couldn't do it...
i tried to do it....
i wanted to take away the worlds pain...and on certain days that was all it could offer me...grief and pain and the lies that said: because your gay -- youll die a horrible death -- with no dignity...shamed and forgotten...
i wanted to help people...
but did i ?
that was one of many questions i asked -- laying thee waiting to die for ten days...no food in my body, indeed nothing in my body but medications..
no.
nothing in my body: not even me...
?//////////////
i lay there waiting...filled with medications and questions and then as the morphine kicked in simply passing out and dreaming of my life...another life -- a dream of my adolescence...around the time that i wanted to commit suicide...
and of course, of my cousin: Jake....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
1976...
a lazy - hot july afternoon...
i was detoxoing from cocaine and last nights alcohol binge on the high school campus football field late at night -- a six pack of beer - and drinking with the captain of the wrestling team...
we were smashed...
it started with a look in his eyes...
then he started laughing...
and standing above me...
as i lay on the grass laughing also...
and sat on my stomache, and pinned my wrists down - to the grass, then he looked into my eyes...
and then - oh my god...
he kissed me...and he kissed me harder and he didn't stop...
and i kissed him back >>>
he took my hand to his crotch...his dick was hard and then suddenly fast and quick -- mine got hard beneath him...I
tore off my shirt and undid my pants and then i undid his...
and then....yep....i fucked him
on the grass...under the stars, in front of god --- in front of jesus...
the all - star captain of the wrestling team...the prom king....in my arms, getting my dick up his...and jerking off and kissing me all the way...
then before we knew it...
we both passed out (together in each others arms...)
i might add...
his varsity jacket draped over both of us as a kind of blanket...
cheek to cheek...
amen.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
to be continued.....
the next morning we were awakened by the summer session's girls soccer team coming onto the field to practice...
my pants down around my ankles...blake was laying next to me....
empty "miller" bottles scattered around laying on the grass...
the sun glaring down --
all of a sudden waking up and looking up at the coach...and then seeing blake...his fine furry butt and beautiful cock -- a morning hard-on...
hard in the afternoon day sun --
looking into his eyes and then realizing that we were not alone...
that his johnson was standing straight up in all it's glory kinda flapping in the air, and that dumb - sexy smile on his mug that made everyone fall in love with him, his lazy bedroom eyes, gazing into mine - as he began to grin, thinking for a second that we were still alone...
and about to grin, >>>>>but.........
then realizing where we were and remembering the night before -- he reached over to kiss me....and pull his varsity jacket tighter around us...all in the same motion, his mouth about to grace mine...his lips just grazing mine, and then his head turned....to look upward....
and then whamm -- absolute panic....
"oh my god!!!!!"
we both looked up...the female soccor coach surverying Blakes hard bone and my butt, as I was laying on my stomache, without my pants on, standing right over us....
my pants were about six feet away on the grass, as well as my boxers and one of my boots, the other one was still on...
"Holy shit!!!!" Mrs Cavanuagh!! whats she doing here??"
blake belted out to me....
then he just yelled...."Fuck! shit-- I'am ---- outta here..."
pulled his pants on and ran home.....
>>>>>>>>>>>>
the both of us -- hung-over to shit and both knowing that now, the entire school would know what happened....
blake moved fast and quick--- pulled on his pants - left his t-shirt laying there beside me and ran....away-----
fast>>>>
just ran away...his body a small dot on the horizon before i knew it....and then disappeared....
"Mrs. Cavanugh...I ah, it was ah -- we -- were ah---"
i kinda fumbled for an explanation and my pants at the time time, i grabbed blake's T-shirt and held it in fronot of my crotch and kinda hunched over, looking into her eyes and knowing there was nothing to explain or say....but then blurted out....
"Its ah -- it's not -- it's not,>>>>>
how it looks....I swear -- really..."
I held blake's t-shirt tight -- covering my dick and tryong to bend over to grab my boxers and pants...and also trying to cover my butt - ah butthole -- while doing it....
then i slipped on my boxers and bolted....and just fucking ran -- outta sight....into the parking lot and got into my pick up truck and drove away....
holy shit -- i just had my honeymoon - kinda -- or something and now i was gonna get a divorce... I knew i'd never really, ever talk to blake again....
we both knew that we were toast...totally found out...that we were butt-fucking fags....
our lives would never be the same...
and they weren't...
blake was a senior and --
the kind of pain that cant be healed you just have to ask god to do it or take it from you --
1976
- working for my father's construction company...
i was late for work...and got an ass chewing for it...i was tired -- i climbed a ladder that led to the top of my father's office but was covered...into a tight four foot high storage space filled with old trunks and files and work equipment...
i was in the crawl space laying there and then as if time had passed without realizing it -- the voice was in my head, and a bottle of acid was at my mouth -- ready to pass over my lips and end my time here...
thank god --- >>>
I closed my eyes...
ready - aim - fire --
a few wafts of the yellowish green liquid tickled my nose and then hit my throat hard --
i choked on the fumes...but i was ready to go...
then i heard my father's secretary call my name...
"kirk..."
and i dropped the bottle between my legs:
it layed on its side -- dripping out slowly and making a chugging sound...
"kirk" were going to lunch...do you want something- from the deli ? a sandwich or something ??"
I paused my legs were being fried -- i was awash in toxic fumes...i panicked -- my heart was speding - adreniline shot through my viens like some emtional meteror -- some of the acid -- had hit my pants - bleaching them white, instantly...
i don't kno what i said -- to the scretary or how i responded...i saw a pile of rags nearby and threw them on the acid to stop the fumes; I lifted the bottle up right to stop it's flow onto my shoes and jeans and then very low key and non-chalant i said: "ah - no i'am good - I'll eat later.." she said "ok well i'll see ya later...?"
she was an entire floor below me --- and couldn't see me -
"are you ok?" she then asked -- and i responded like: "i don't have any idea what your reffering to...type of -- "yeah i'am fine...i'am ok -- i'll see ya later..."
she disappeared...
the voice was still there.. waiting; it would always be there...i had to be cool.
never let on that i was gay - basically project a false personae until i could escape to? ah, somewhere, i'll have to get away and go somewhere - where theres people like me -- other guys -- like me-- find ah -- "my kind..."
that VOICE...for the next ten years was on the back burner of my mind night and day...
"yeah your a fag -- and you know it -- and your entire life is gonna be about being a fag and having people hate you..."
>>>>>>the day of the acid --
of truly ackowledging what i was and and how much i wanted out of my circumstances and life -- and also realizing that there was no changing them either...
i was always clear on that...
but I'd have to fake it until i could get away...
the day of the acid --
i hid in the back construction yard amongst the big ass cement trucks...and then around four went into the office and said that i had to go home because i spilled some acid on my pants:...by "accident."
the pool acid was used often to clean trowels and other metal tools that had become caked with dried cement...so it wasn't much of a stretch to say you'd been using it clean something...
but then i fell into a melancholy -
a questioning of life and everything...
"to be or not to be>>>?" that was my question...
and i wrote about it in a private journal...(atleast it was private until ah >>> my step mother found it ah --- yeah --
"vacumming my desk drawers..."
i was so naive.
i didn't feel the need to hide it because never in my wildest dreams could i have imagined that anyone would go into my room - my space and violate my sacred privacy...
boy did i get a wake-up call --
she not only found it and read it -- she put it back in the desk then continued to read it for next few months that i logged my feelings and thoughts -- really: it as the ultimate invasion and betrayl...
then >>at the worst possible point in my pain and confusion >>>she confronted me on my cocaine use and suicidal thoughts...and what i had written about beinbg in love witb a guy and what happened on the football field...
IT WAS a confrontation: an accusation:
it wasn't pesented as a concern, like "I'am worried"
or "can we talk?"
it was more like...
"i caught you and now i know all your private thoughts and feelings..."
"i have something on you..."
>>>>>>>>>>>>
suicide - the ultimate ride...
yeah - i wrote that first poem, high on cocaine...knowing that if i did just a few more hits...that my heart would slow down and stop...
my heart was racing - i was writing...then everything slowed down. i stepped right up to the precipice of death...ready to jump into the next realm --
my heart leveling to a slow beat...
everyting kind of coated in a white-ish silver haze...
i said to myself: "this is it -- yes or no?"
i backed off and waited..maybe i went too far and it was too late...
>>>to be or not to be...?
had i grown up with well read parents - educated parents or even had a parent that was a "Witch" like me, or a person around me that could advise me about the advanced kind of "emtional - psychic- mental"
transitions i was experiencing at that time they would have probably directed me to shakespear's famous: hamlet --
"to be or not to be..."
and asked -
"ok tell us what your feeling right now"...
or:
"you have to learn to say or identify your feelings as: despair or hopelessness.." and then we can discuss them and let go of them..." take away their power...
de-fuse them...
"i wanna commit suicide..."
was all i could hash out in my thoughts...
the only internal language i had at that time was, a vague feeling of being trapped and wanting to run away...
and i just translated that into;
"I wanna commit suicide..."
after writing the "ultimate ride..." and fearing I'd gone too fat i crawled to bed and passed out -- i guess. i don't remember...
about a week later at my dad's construction yard -
the back warehouse...there was a crawlspace over the offices below used as storage...it was the kinda "secret" place kids find to pull down there pants and show what they got and see what you've got:
my cousin - jake - was the one that showed me how to push the ladder up against the 14 foot wall and land into the crawl space and hang out...
the first time went up there, of course, he pulled out what i know realize was one of the biggest dicks i would ever see in my life: a true fat - nine inch cock...
all floppy and half hard...
"take a look at this..." jake remarked...and
he wanted to see mine...and i showed him...
I was about 6 or 7 years younger than jake...
i got hard instantly...
he just laughed and then crawled down the ladder and disappeared for an hour or so somewhere in the construction yard which was easy to do -- there was a back lot filled with old heavy duty equipment - cement mixers that didn't work and were all rusted out -- a few sheds for tools and a tractor that had been dis-carded but never hauled away...
I hadn't seen jason in a week or so...
ONE AFTERNOON - my cousin jake was playing around with a "mini-bike" which basically was a tiny motorcycle - but it had no gears...if you took off the brake it hauled ass down the block...
jake called to me:
"hey Cmon - get on the min-bike and go for a ride..."
I said "No."
he started making fun of me -- saying i was a "pussy..."
embarrasssing me in front of the workers, many of whom i had secret crushes on ...
all of which were totally hot, muscled california good looking studs...some white - some black or mexican -- all of them rowdy and rough and sexy as hell...
alot of them were shirtless from lifting bags of cements or just getting in from a job and swathed with dust and dirt, smelling like a guy smells after a hard days work...
for a closeted 16 year old...it was like a living hell and an untouchable heaven...
it was a living hell...
and yeah i couldnt act on my repressed feeling and couldn't hold them in or down much longer...
there was going to be an accident - an explosion -- or maybe i just had to die to eascape it all...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
to question your existence is the first sign of emotional maturity -- spiritual yearning -- its the beggining of going off the path -- and finding out who you really are -- examing deep thoughts and feelings about the cosmos and the universes within and with out --
i was alone - with all of it -- i was alone...
(fuck) at 17 years old, i was done.
i was tired of living...
i had the weariness of an old man...
and the knowing of a sage...
yet i lacked the internal language and dialougue at that time to be eloquent about what i was experiencing...
in another place or another time i would have found paint brushes to paint it -- an instrument of music to play it out -
i would have found a sport that i liked to move my energies into -- but it did't happen - i only had a pen and paper...so thats what i used...
i would draw little comic-like faces in the side lines of my written thoughts but truly the first thing i went to was writing poems...
poetry is my first love...and always will be...i kept journals and wrote in them when i was confused or scared...
"Cmon you fuckin PUSSY! - everybodies waiting to watch you ride the min-bike..."
jake called through the yard...
a crowd gathered...all the studs surrounded me --
even back then i had the propensity to anorexia...but was well muscled -- from helping the guys stack their trucks at night with 100 pound bags of cement...
my chest muscles were actually over-built and buffed but my presence was kinda shy and well, like that of a poet and healer: definitely not a fighter...or a rough and tumble sort of guy like jake...
i shook my head, and came into the light of the sun from out of where we'd back up the trucks to work on them...
i walked out of the machine shop filled with huge red cases of wrenches and jack-hammers and pick - axes...
that area always smelled of gasoline and oil and grease...i kinda suantered around a minute and then I left the warehouse and walked to the blue - mini-bike that was reeving - loud and whiny:
jake's hand on the brake....holding it back...
holding the brake tight so it wouldn't jamm forth -- and peel away...
"ok here ya go -- " jake beigns to explain...
"i'am gonna release the break...for ya... once you get on..."
jake always had this perfect, brilliant con-artists grin and totally smooth way of talking - right before he was ready to completly embarass you or absolutely fuck you over...and i fell for it everytime...
this time, of course, was no exception...
I sat on the bike --
all the construction workers, the "guys" that worked for my dad came to watch...
a group of total hotty's as i said before...
surrounded me and the bike...except for jake everyone was alot older than me - like mid 30s...perfect and buffed I really just wanted their validation...
a validation of my masculinity, willing to prove just because i was the "bosses son" didn't mean that i was a total ass-wipe, good for nothing...
i climbed on the bike slowly and then looked into the eyes of one of the guys that i had the deepest secret crush on...
his name was "gus..."
gus was 6-4 tall around 185 - maybe 200 pounds and all muscle...had soft brown eyes - a handle bar mustache - and some scruff going on most of the time...
he almost always walked around "the yard" without his shirt on...was always in a cheerful mood and happy to be there working...
he rode in rodeos on the week ends and loved to tell stories about famous horses and sing out loud while he was working...
he was sort of a "tom of finalnd" / "billy doll" with straight brown hair...and big sexy lips...i thought of him often in the back of my thoughts..but would never admit it and now come to think of it, he must have known how much or how deeply i was - ah--- kind of, in love with him...
gus was everything i wasn't...
he was everything i wanted to be...big - strong - kind of happy go lucky -- unbothered by people or the world...totally beautiful...and strong..
a total "guy"...
i looked at gus and our eyes met and i kinda wished to ask him if i should get on the bike or not...he looked down upon me but just nodded like: "well, try it - well see..."
so i agreed
"ok...lets try it..."
then...
as i sat down on the seat my butt barely touching the plastic vynal cushion -- and the minute i relaxed:
jake let go of the brake and then at the same time turned a wild eye and laughed and
"gunned" the throttle...to full speed...
the mini-bike tore a patch of gravel...behind it -- it spun
the back wheel around and around and made a loud whirring noise and then it caught the pavement below and the bike took off...fast -- way too fast...
the bike steered through the yard...
i didn't have control of it at all...off it went -- and i with it -- out of control...
I nearly escaping hitting a truck -- and then looking back and watching the crowd -- looked ahead again only to crash -- head first into a chain link fence...
i wasn't wearing a helmet...i was in jeans and a t-shirt...
crash....
some of the guys peeled with laughter - some were quiet...
some were entertained...
a few ran over to help me up...
the bike lay in its side - the throttle stuck wide open and spinning the bike around a few times before somebody could hit the kill switch...
jake was holwing with delight...
my leg was bleeding. and the pant leg of my jeans was ripped open -- i was covered in dust and dirt...
jake ran over to me and began dusting off my pants...and trying to acess my bleeding leg...
"your ok -- your gonna be ok..." he said kinda scared - like saying - "don't tell your dad...it was just a joke...I didn't mean it..."
he kinda hugged me and then took the bike and rolled it back into the warehouse -- trying to fix the "govenor" which holds the throttle at a low point until you open it up...
everyone went back to working - i stumbled through the yard looking for a place to sit down or look at my leg...it was bleeding badly...
and then i saw gus walking toawrd me to ask me if i was "ok." just then i got light-headed and began to pass out - probably from the excitement and the fact that i hadn't eaten lunch yet...and seeing the blood and the cut on my leg...
just as i was about to fall onto the pavement gus caught me in his arms and carried me to the cement warehouse and laid me down on one of the cement pallets stacked five high...he went and got me some water...and slapped my face kinda softly to make me -- "come to.."
i sat up and drank the water...
"are you ok?" gus was saying...
i wiped my face and gus took some water from the cup hed given me to drink out of and he poured it into his hand and kind of washed my face a little bit...
my eyes became bright and i was revived...
gus touched my face and looked deep into my eyes for a minute and saw how hurt i was...my pride was hurt...and then without warning he ran over to jake and picked him up..right by the center of the t-shirt and swung his ass around in the air a few times and then threw him down...
"what the hellz wrong with you boy!!! -???"
he yelled at jake...
"you could have really hurt him...you pull another stunt like that in front of me i'll whip the tar right outta your ass - no questions asked...!"
jake was like a lil rag doll in gus' beefy buffed up arms...
mark got away from gus but he didn't say anything he just ran away and went to the corner liquor store or maybe hid in the back somewhere...and disappeared for an hour or so...
then gus came back to me and peered into my eyes almost like he knew id like that and then winked at me - like a cool guy to guy wink...as if to say:
"i'll protect you from that asshole - don't you worry..."
after gus went back to work...i crawled away to the secret place...and laid down and fell a sleep...
it was a few weeks later when a real darkness came over me...and i couldn't stop the voices in my head...
i had gotten drunk a few times from some "White Label" scotch stashed in my parents garage...and was feeling confused and spaced out...
i just remember climbing to the carwspace above my dad's offices and then seeing a crate of swimming pool acid...
i got an idea but i ignored it --
laying down on a pile of old rags i pulled off my pants and began...to spank one off as fast as i could:
then i heard jake coming up the ladder...
and i coulnd't get my pants up fast enough...
he totally caught me -- buttoning up my pants...
"oh well, well, well...what have we here -- ??" jake kind of bellowed out and then grabbed the top buttom of my jeans and undid them...expsposing my pre-cummed adollescent cock...
he surveyed it - up and down and then without warning he grabbed the middle of the shaft and said:
"thats really beautiful..." and then with his fist around my dick he looked me into the eyes and for a minute i thought he might kiss me....but he touched my lower lip and ran a finger across it...
"hey, ya wanna try some of this...?
and with that he unbuttoned his pants and pulled out his own cock -- now hard tottally big...and dripping at the head with some pre-cum...
"i wont tell anybody you were jerking off up here if you jerk me off too and well call it even...deal?" jake offered up - like a kind of blackmail...
i was shaking...i nodded - "yes..."
my dick was now fully hard again looking at jake's dick...
my dick was that still of a boy but his was the first true male - man, errection i ever saw...
it seemed huge compared to mine...
he had hair on his balls and they hugged the shaft of his phallus at first and then when he relaxed they fell and became two seperate nuts hanging there...full of juice...oozing out...
"go ahead man - put your hand around it..." he said guiding my hand to his pole...it was warm, i rememeber and i got a whiff of his crotch because he wasn't wearing any underwear...
and it smelled musky, like a locker room. kinda damp and masculine...
i was experiencing so many feelings...
and then without warning jake directed the head of his cock to my lips and then without talking - maybe i nodded yes - i dunno...
his errection went into my mouth and i began to suck it...
it felt good and right for me to do it somehow -- i dunno...
i don't remember much else...
i don't know if i came...
or jerked off my own dick while i sucked him off
but i do remember liking the taste and feeling that it seemed so big in my mouth...
jake's moves were smooth -- like hed done something like this before...
he was pushing the head and shaft all the way into my throat...his voice becoming soft and almost affectonate...
saying things like:
"thats it -- good boy...you like that???
it feels nice - right ?
oh yeah it feels so good...oh god...oh...yeah..."
touching the top of head nice...and stroking my hair -touching the back of my head - and then pulling me closer to him...
just then and i think jake would have came or was getting ready to but my father's secretary came around asking if were were going to lunch or not...
"hey! hey you guys!"
we could hear her from the outside warehouse of the machine shop...
"hey!" she called out - :where are you boys ? what are you two up to...?"
"up here..." jake called down totally cool - like nothing was going on...
>>>"just talking -- sharon...were getting lunch at "taco joes" - you go ahead..." jake yelled down - putting his wet dick back into his pants quietly and winking at me once with his famous devil's grin...
scrambling for the ladder to get downstairs and buttoning up his jeans all at once...
jake's eyes were bright and shiny...
he looked at me - clean:
"well finish this later --baby.." he whsipered and smiled and then disappeared down the ladder and then began working away in the machine shop...
making noise so everyone could hear him...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
yeah. it was a few days later. after jake and i - well after i sucked jake's cock that i tried to "off" myself...by drinking the acid...it went down something like this - as i recall:
i had the bottle of swimming pool acid to my lips ready to burn my insides so bad that id never recover, getting the bottle right up to my nose --- in the storage space above my father's office at the lot of his construction coampany...
i could hear the phones ringing below and the secretaries talking and chatting...i held the bottle tight and breathed in the highly toxic and dangerous to ingest chemical..fuck it was fucking ACID...and i was ready to drink it -- to escape what i was feeling at that time...
what i heard in my head: night and day --- i was still a virgin in both orientations at that time...the voice - the awful forboding and knowing that it was true...
i prefered to look at the guys - not the girls...
i wanted to kiss dick -- i wanted dick --- ah not jane...hehee
i think iwas "in love" with mark and i ached for him and also for gus...
to have gus hold me -
to have mark pull out his big dick again in the crawl space and put it in my mouth...
back then it - feeling those feeling seemed like the end of the world...
but that was what ? 1976 or 77 --
you just could'nt be a queer back then --
you just fucking didn't ever talk about shit like that, or youd wind up fag bashed and nobody would care how it happened --- they would just be glad that it did --
back then the general over-all message was --
"fags deserve to die" and - or --
"get the fags - find out whoose a faggot and eliminate them" something like that...
..no questions asked...
everyone was a suspect of anting to suck dick...
in high scool - anyone who looked the wrong way in the gym - while changing into your gym clothes -- or in the showers after wrestling practice -- could get branded "a queer" forever --
you'd be listed as the school "queer" and trust me
you didn't want that kind of abuse --
coming at youeveryday... you'd be subjected to the direct line of fire from a band of randy - rambunctious 17 and 18 year olds:
testoserone levels raging -- ready to prove that they were man enough to beat up or even kill the fuckin fag of the school...
point and shoot baby: you never knew what was coming next...
shirley jackson's short story: "the lottery" comes to mind here...
yes. yeah -- yeah. it really was like that - back in the day...
back in the 70s...and the early 80s...yeah it was - and i'am glad to be sitting here in 2006 still alive to tell the tale...
back in the late 60s and early 70s - you didnt time to sort through your feeling and consider your orientation or how you felt -- from the time i could remember --- fromt he first itme i open my eyes - it was nothing but 1 hundred - million miles an hour -- think fast -- look out jump fast -- dodge this and that and duck this and that -- 100 per-cent screaming fear..and panic..
no time to think.. sort it out, figure it out...
or let it be...
it was all fear here and the speed of anreniline and trying to get away from the truth - the fear and some unknown force that was out to get you-- that force was god all mighty -- and it was only a mtter of time before he found you out to be the evil - non worthy soul and spirit that desrved to be destroyed but first humilated and drug the mud...or worse..my thoughts ran like this - in the back -- and then - the wicked -- voices began in head --
at first seeming like far away...
then from deep inside you -- always gaining momentum -
ready to strike...pulverize..your tiny little body...
i think i weighed around 120 pounds until high school...
my waist was like a 26 or 27...i was a small framed 5-6 foot tall...afraid to breathe - afraid to let anything in or anything out...my eyes glazed over and vacant..even before i became i full fledge cocain addict age the age...of 17...
yeah -- fasten your seat belt..
this was going to be one hell of a ride...
by age 17 i'd allready been sexually assaulted by my two cousins - an uncle, my father's secretary - and my sisters...
my finger had been cut- off - my head had been split open...to the point of me being unconcious for over an hour...our house had caught on fire because my dad left something in the oven and passed out...i was a millionaire son and didn't even know it...i had something that everyone seemed to want and still i was a virgin...
pure and untouched in alot of ways...
with no idea of how to protect myself...grasp my innocence or keep it from being raped right outta me...
i was hospitalized around 12 for pnuemonia...and almost died...everytime the nurses left the room --- i pulled the IV right out of my arms...and whatever they were spilling into my viens -- coated the bed and my body -- then i'd pass out -- and thed find me - half dead...laying there wet from saline solution...
eventually they strapped me to the bed...tied my wrists down so i couldn't move...for a week --- strapped with my hands to my sides...until i was better...yeah -- i sure was better after that...baby...some pediphiles wet dream...
olive skin -- clear knowing green eyes - a naturally athletic tone to my body skinny as i was...my body was perfect in many ways...my mind forzen from all the traumas and all ready two near death expeirnces --
after awhile...i just --- was not there anymore...
after awhile you go into complete fantasy -- the colors become alive...you escape in your mind -- but on the outside -- nothing can touch you -- you go to "kirk-land" go somewhere else -- leaving your body to fend for itself...
"ive got get away..."
"I want to commit suicide..."
was all i could think...
i'd find way to remove myself...
one afternoon the thought occured to me: I'am gonns drink this acid and then -- "i'll be done..."
i sit on my hellz kitchen fire escape smokig organic cigarettes...
i ponder all that has occurred...
Ive been through every transformation possible - even that of death - many times over...
i'd still give my last dime for a smoke...or my last two bucks for a few minutes at the porno-video booths in times square for a free blow job...
I'd still rather sit on the street with the losers or loners than bask in the light of a vip lounge with the liars...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
i believe:
the pahtway to heaven is lined with the fires of hell...
the crucible of transformation...
the pain of love and the alienation of "the other..."
you have to know and learn the power and gentleness of light
and love...
withstand the chilling cold of truth revealed...
the darkness of wanting...
and the wholeness of spirit...
the value of the soul and the body---
and the gold that resides in the heart...
am i angel that fell into the hellish pit of the material world -- forever dammed to have the remembrance of heaven - and light?
or am i a demon?
crawling steadily from the pit of darkness into a light eternally burning me - soothing me and guiding me ?
i can not say --
it is my wish that something Ive done here has healed someone - somehwere...that is all...
psychics and fortune tellers tell me that I'am a
"god on earth"
a truly incarnated "divine being..."
a teacher...
a master in disguise...
laying in the gutters of poetry...
and languishing in the trenches of poverty...
>>>
my girl friends in college often told me that i was the: "devil.." or
"totally evil.." or
"wicked and cruel..."
"a latent homo-sexual..."
my fiance' screamed at me in a mykonos hotel suite...
"your the most disgusting person i've ever, met and i never want to see you again..."
the men i have had sex or affairs with have asked me:
"are you half (puerto) rican ?" or have said :
"you have the dick of a porn star..." and "jesus god -- that ass..."
or "your such a good cuddler..."
my family just thinks I'am strange and lost...
and my friends truly love me....fear me, adore me -- respect me and accept me...
all things considered I'am glad ( I think ) that i made the trip here...
I know that there happens to be a good many angels watching over me and protecting me...
night and day...
they sit on my bed and watch me sleep --
they cry when i'am sad and they rejoice when i'am happy...
they healed me when i was almost dead and dying...
they told me secrets and gave me love...
and reminded me of who I'am...
i think I'am a very rich man indeed to know all the angels and angel-humans and kinda somewhat demons and lost souls and shinning masters who have crossed my path...
all the people that hurt me - healed me or held me are not here -- thye are now somehwere else and someone else...
i'am alone but now - not lonely...
some think me god - some say beast - others say demon and some differ to angel...
most of the time I simply -- actually just forget that I'an here...
ah i dunno -
you tell me --
ive given you my best -- perhaps made you hard with arousal -- or told you the gold of my heart, showered some light into your soul...or brought some poetry to your life...
it's your turn now to whisper your secrets to me...
tel me everything...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
time.
watches and clocks and timepieces...
time doesn't seem to be on my side here...
i dunno -- i'am in my 40's -- i've lived in nyc almost 25 years...and still haven't figured out a way to make a living from my writing...
I still haven't found the lover of my "dreams..." or lived in the imaginary loft--space that i long for..((complete with fireplace and zen garden...)
i have had some awesome mind-blowing sex - been on some incredible road trips...fell in love and was loved -- had some mind-bending and life - altering "near-death" experiences...
ive had ....ah -- a few std's -- alot of pain and even some joy so --- what the hell...it's just been a wild ride anyway you look at it...
the passage of time...
time -- it's a strange thing to always feel the same "inside" and yet, have to watch your body, your "outsides" change and walk through time and begin to age...
time - dreams -- sleeping - being awake..being here and not being here : being present...growing old...
the clicking away of time seems a comfort to me...
passing the time -
i really like listening to music -- and looking at all my clocks...and watches and smoking cigs and drinking coffee. i love watching the "weather channel..." when i wake up and wondering if everything really is just a long beautiful - fucked up hallucination called a dream...
knowing some day i'll return to my "home" on the other side...with some great memories of - "this place..."
and yeah -- i also wonder if the world is going to end -- with a bang or a whimper but yes, i wonder if the end is near...like everyone else alive today...
indeed -- i wonder if were not too immature to resist the need to self destruct...ourselves or the world...
yeah - the entire planet....
time...
passing...as my body gets older...
clocks and watches are: (to me) a reassurance that soon enough i'll be able to fly again and wander the heavens without the restrictions of the flesh...as an unlimited spirit...perhaps gazing down on humanity or missing being "in a body.." and having sex and eating ice cream...and drinking coffee...
and so it goes...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
perhaps i really did incarnate here just to smoke cigs and drink coffee, which i have joked to friends...
"yeah my prupose here is to smoke cigs -- hehee
i came into this lifetime just to smoke cigarettes and sample coffee..."
Coffee...
for some reason - this morning -- while looking for my pajama bottoms - i thought of my cousin jake...
I sat down on the bed for a minute --
i put my hands to my forhead...
and mumbled aloud...
"fuck - fuck - fuck - fuck - fuck - fuck ---- FUCK....!
yeah --- i fucking woke up "here" again..."
then i thought of jake and the dream again...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
a nod to "Quantum Mechanics..." here or "Meta-physics"
which i have studied extensively -- here's a primer on "reality" \\" for dummies..."
the more spiritual savvy one is the more all your past lives run together - and the less "linear" time is ---
and likewise if time is not really "linear" but occurs across a spectrum - of past present and future - then all your lifetimes (and mine) are occuring similtaneously...
something akin to hitting the "change channel" on your remote control and just watching the flashing channels...and then finding the one channel to view... ((which is...)>>>"your "lifetime" here">>>
and then leaving that channel on for awhile...
ah sort of...it's something like that -- does that makes sense??
i dunno - anyway...better said another way...
"life is along series of dreams wrapped inside a few hallucinations...sprinkled by a vision that began in a day dream...somehwere in the mind of god...
or "we have one soul - that has many different bodies..."
my body sits on the edge of the bed...
i think of my cousin: jake...
it all kinda blurs together...a few minutes ago i was naked, looking for my pj's -- then i was out the door on the street and then i was at the counter of the corner bodega --
saying "hey" to the guy who always works the afternoon shift...the afternoon guy always, just throws the blue pack of "american spirits" brand on the counter when he sees me and then says
"good morning" - with a big smile -- and asks me;
"you want coffee this morning...?" even though its early afternoon...
i guess it's always obvious that i just woke up...
>>>>>>>>>>>>
just woke up....
sometimes hours pass and i don't know what i did or where i went...
becuase i have a hard time maintaining a totally "linear" reality...
i dont really think its wise for me to put alcohol or drugs into my body -- regarding my specific mental emotional psychic make up -- which is kind of a strange beautiful? potpurri of )(odd genius? -- or so my friends tell me )of
other-worldly connections -- a propensity to languish dazed and comfortable in the blues of depression: melancholy seeping out of me affecting every one around me -- coupled with a kinda non-stop low grade rage and a sardonnic hysterical - like smile, -- ah -- grin --
and a powerful gaze that most can't hold...
like, basically i'am always saying...
"go ahead make my fuckin - fucked up day....I dare ya..."
i know this about myself --
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
i remember -- >> my cousin jake...
i dreamt of him coming into my bedroom last night
and he was standing over me --
i awoke in the dream and said..."Jake??"
and then he said...
"hey - kirk ---i wanted to tell that you i'am sorry..."
looking down on me as he stood over the bed...
"i'am sorry for all the things i did to you and that i'am part of the reason why you hated it here for so long...
I truly am sorry that you wanted to end your life here and that i guess i was part of that...
i came here because i want to hold you...let me sit down next to you...i want to heal you..."
and then in the dream sequence he slipped into bed with me and held me and whispered:
"it's ok...it's going to be ok...i'am so, so sorry for all the things i did to you...
I truly am, i'am sorry..."
then i woke up...
then he vanished and the dream was over...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
i had my first flirting with "self destruction"
or wanting to commit suicide, i guess, at around 15 - maybe 16...
at first writing a kind of a "suicide/poetry" note, entitled:
"Suicide - The Ultimate ride..." around 1976 or so...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>1976 -- orange county california --
land of republicans and "homo-haters" the western hub of "all-americans" sports stars...prom queens and beauty queens...
back in 1976...
you were just terribly alone with all your questions and panic...and the pain of knowing...that you might be >>>gay.
isolated and alone...and terrfied of being "different" and what that would mean to you or your parents... and the residual stress of hiding the fact that:
instead of wanting to "high five" your other team mates on the wrestling league what you really wanted to do was get fucked by them...
back then i was 17 without a soul to talk to...and all that isolation...
fear...
a fear that became it's own energy - aprt from me...asking for my destruction...
the fear and pain created an ache in me that i don't think will ever go away or be cured and
now today -- maybe i don't want it to...
it always seems to be there -- burned into me as a tatto onto the skin of my psyche...
forver in my dna -- and my blood --
when i see a handsome guy on the street or in a restaurant --
the kind of panic and awe and excitement that sweeps through your heart when you look at some really handsome dude and go --
"fuck - that guy is so beautiful..."
i wanna touch him... kiss him, hold his hand-- i want to get fucked by him...alone...somewhere far away...from here...
you panic...as if the entrie world can see...the ache of your heart...the racing terror of a closeted 15 year old with no one to tell...yeah -- in the 70s....
have a nice day...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
today -
last night i had this dream of my cousin...
and for the rest of the afternoon...after i woke up:
i sat there in my kitchen, in my blue pajamas, drinking coffee and thinking about it all...
1976 >>>>
stress relief and wanting out...and self destruction...:
>>>after procurring my first dose of cocaine from one of father's construction workers in his mid 30's --- "jason" who was kind of a rod Stewart look a like -- and yeah i would have gladly sucked him off: and gratefully serviced that guy had he whipped it out --- while we were sampling his ah "product..." in a darkened suburban living room...sitting on the couch together...geting high...
in the afternoons -- but it never happened...
i would have paind god or the devil -- to have jason just grab his cock and get it hard and full in front of me and say something like -"hey man -- wanna be a bro and service my piece???"
but it never happened.
jason was basically straight and had a girlfriend --- "morgan..." whom he got pregnant and she got an abortion...but there was always something in his eyes that kinda hinted: "yeah ill let you suck it man...maybe -- someday...on the right day...i promise..."
i remember the day morgan got an abortion --
when
she got it --
i was - i think 16 at the time...
we all were at the lakehouse in Arizona...
hanging out and water-skiing, and taking the boats out - it was in july -- hot as hell, in the middle of the desert...but on a beautiful private lake...
morgan was just laying there looking "half-green" like she didn't feel so good...
so i asked jason what was "up" with her and then he brought me to the back of the house...in the garage, where the moto-cross bikes and all the sports equipment was stored...
he pulls out a small brown glass vile of white powder...
he looks at me...and says:
"you want some of this --?"
as he grabs-dabs a tiny spoon into the vile and whiffs it up both of his nostrils...wham-bamm - likidy-split-mother-fucker-bboom it was gone...
he cupped his nose closed and threw his head back...
"ahhhh"
i knew exaclty what it was... and what he was doing and yeah -- fuck yeah -- i wanted to try it...
i wanted to try it around him - with him -- closeted as i was -- latent buried - homo-sexual energies exploding in my loins and ass: the both of us shirtless and baked warm from laying in the sun and swimming in the lake...all day...
and then --
cocaine...
a way out...
my heart raced -- i kinda blanked out for a moment --
and tried to breath --
"ah yeah,-- fuck yeah i'am ready...i want it..." i breathed the words...whsipered...them to jason...and looked up into his bloddshot perfect blue eyes...
my stomache a-buzz and my dick-head kind of oozing pre-cum because i was so aroused from watching jason's body dry in the sun -- from the desert heat...from wondering what he looked like with his swim trunks on...
jason -- blonde and blue all over -- the perfect surfer type hot hottie that everyone wanted....the flash of white teeth - the perfect california smile...the muscled pshsyique...he was a dream...
he looked me in the eyes...deep...and said...
"if your dad finds out about this i'am screwed ok? so don't go getting all, out of hand -- I'll give you a good hit --- but ya gotta be cool...ok?"
"ok. uh -- i won't...i'am ready - i'am good -- ok...i want it -- lets go...go ahead>>> ok. hit me.."
i was scared and yeah fuked up nervous...
i told him yeah -- "lets go..."
he sticks a tiny spoon under my nose...
gives me a good, lil - >>>kinda big - hit of some "nose candy" and then tells me that morgan was just at an abortion clinic...
the powder hit me...stronger than i thought it could be:
whamm whamm - bamm, boom it disapeared up my nose -- it was gone.
i was in love...
feeling good for the first time since i could remember and all those "voices" in my head and all those yearnings to explore and all those dreams of sucking off another guy in the back seat of my "ranchero" pick up truck.
all those feelings for other guys and all those images of their bodies and asses and cocks in the high school gym or in the showers:
remembering what their dicks looked like tucked into their jockstraps -- or the thoughts of me sniffing their armpits>>>>>>>>of kissing them --- and them snapping towels in the showers and day dreaming of them kissing me -- yep with that one hit of cocaine, all of that >>>>pain and panic >>>was gone...
a few months later i was basically spending around three hundred dollars a month on "blow..."
(cocaine was 100.00 a gram at that time...) so that amount supported three nights of "fun..."during a months period...
(fairly moderate use at that time...)
>>>>>>>>>>>
now. 2006
I'am sitting in my kitchen remembering..."
what it was like back then...
in the past>>>
as i get to the point where iam about to feel all that despair and pain -- and fear and terror and rage --
all the feelings i had in the 70s -- growing up...
i either vomit or blo a load or explode in a rage...
i always get up to the vanishing point of aknowledging the sum total of what i've lived through and i always - usually expell something from my body before my lower chakras open to expose - what i'am about to tell you next...
before it can all come out...
i either find some dude to blo a load up my ass - or find some hole to blo my own in...
i get into a "relationship" that almost always destroys me or i find a way to fuck myself somehow:
either, emotionally or phsyically...
I just find a way to -- ah -- injure my self or throw off most of my energy- like just enough to keep me in a "survival mode..."
because then - then i wont have to remember that time -- back then -- at 16, when i wanted to end my life bad enough to actually act on it
all those feelings of "self-hatred" and being totally, simply: fucking "lost..."
lost and never really found...
some core part of me -- always -- lost in time -- lost back there....
>>> not ever really, fully breathing....
completly out of my body...as i told you -- years of hatred pushed on you by hate - filled hetros -- who kinda suspected you were "a queer" or "a fag"
"hey man -- god hates fags..."
yeah in 2006 -
my immune system nearly non-existant and being re-built by chemicals -- made in a labroatory -- having all ready "died" or been near-death, three times...and having been sent back from the "other-side..." with the psychic message:
"no. it's not your time...go back..."
today:
it doesn't seem to matter that i was born different...sometimes when your self esteem hits rock bottom --->>>>>>you think to yourself...
it doesn't matter to seem that i was born at all...
and then you watch: "It's a wonderful life again..."
and start crying and alot of pain goes away...
today --
all that pain...
until now: it was never allowed to surface to a concoius - sum total idea of thought and feeling --- the pain --
couldn't really surface until now --->>> and now it was manifesting...as "dis-ease..."
devastating my entire system...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
when the doctor came into my hospital room and said:
"I'am sorry to have tell you -
you've got>>>>>
full blown -- "aids..."
it didn't surprise me--
the doctor came in and said that my liver enzymes were elevated to the point of failure...
the liver in a symbolic sense caries the anger and rage of the person -- their: bile...
my kidneys were "in trouble..." also:
I actually "passed" a kidney stone walking to the hospital emergency room...all of the nurses and interns came into to see: "the guy that passed the kidney stone walking up eighth avenue..." they were kind of in awe of me..actually...
I was just glad it over -- but no - actually it was just beginning...
90 percent of my body was covered in a strange rash...
I was dehydrated and had lost over 40 pounds...
i collapsed in the emergency room but all the while never guessed that i was indeed - hiv positive, let alone figured that it had progressed to the point of devastating my immune system and yeah - becoming - full blown aids...
i really - truly...
had no clue what was happening to me ---
i lay there waiting - to die or be healed and thinking about my life and everything that happened...
before i got the news...
now in retrospect the ghosts - the phantoms of pain and everything that happened in the 60s and 70s and 80s to me just didn't matter anymore --
those feelings and fear and rage spewed out of me for around three months --
from november until january...
i was bed ridden for Thanksgiving and christmas and new years...laying there alone - thinking...about my life...and wanting out of it...
when my immune system began to fail -- late last february... - it really wasn't a surprise at all...
no.
the immune system represents your ability to protect yourself, as the body's defense system... after what?
30 or so years on "high alert" just waiting for some invisible bat to crack your head wide open..
at anytime or anywhere --
suddenly i got a rash -- the doctor said that it was from "Stress..."
i began to get sick -- it was in my consciousness i guess to end up like this right ?
this is what the world does to gay people -- drills it's hatred into you until you finally buckle --- commit suicide to get the fuck out --
yeah --
stressful...
hiding and trying to keep all that energy inside of you - the most primitive feelings a person can have -- to love and to want to be loved --
some straight people would have you think that all gay people chose to be the way they are...and if you think about it for just two minutes...
no one would choose to become societies scapegoat...
the average straight person today has enough stress simply trying to make ends meet - hold it together and find some love for themselves...right?
and still there maxed...having to take prozac and happy pills...drinking and fucking and getting divorced - all the while holding themselves up to be some paragon of virtue...
i look at their lives and think --
"fuck -- theyve got it so easy...
they got the support of their families and society and they still buckle under the pressure..."
too much stress - for everyone...
you wake up one day in your 13 year old body and realize:
these feelings are never going to change...
you admit to yourself...
"your gay...-- and theres nothing you can do about it..."
there you are - with your life circumstances...and you would give anything to change them -- anything...
but of course, you can't...
how many times did i pray to god...to please- "change me..."
or heard from shrinks --
"you can change if you want to..."
well...guess what ?
fuck them -- and fuck them all...
swilling alcohol and valium and probably shoving dildoes up their own asses every night while no ones looking -- yeah man -- fuck them all...
and fuck the homo-phobic world...
well, thats the way it was back then , when i was growing up...
"you know your gonna die of >>>AIDS..."
straight people said it to me all the time...and to gay guys in general in the 80s...
they just kept drilling into you that it was inevitable that you were gonna die a horrible death -- and that you deserved it -- all in the name of jesus...amen...
it's still like that in the deep south and parts of the mid-west...
my heart really goes out to all the gay guys whose everyday life is a psychic battleground of fear and violence projected onto them by "christian right wing" sickos -- who think that god is a "straight" white man with a beard sitting on a throne in the heavens trying to make sure all fags have a terrible ending to their lives...
or make sure that they never have any love...
when they themselves haven't a clue as to what it is....
yeah - like i said - fuck them...
"you've got full blown aids..."
(time to start your happy day...)
"full blown aids..."
>>>>>>>>>>how many times through the years that i practiced safe sex...had lovers and we were almost afraid to touch each other...
how many times did i think to myself:
"i just cant take this anymore"
...wondering - worrying - waiting to be struck sick...
just for being queer - "
"A Queer."
watching young guys my age simply whither and die and watch the reagan white-house throw all these star studded parties at the white-house and never once was there was a mention that there was a virus that was lethal...in all the urban centers of the country...
no. nobody cared cuz it was fags that were dying...
from the president on down -- no - nobody would speak of it...and it just continued to bury every one you loved, in silence...unchecked and ravaging...
and all those white house parties and talk of who - was wearing what in those "bonsai-bonanza" - leveraged buy-out 80s...and all that media coverage...of "Nancy's" "little red dresses..." in all that time...no one came forward....
no.
no one said anything...>>>
fags were dropping...no one cared...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
2006...a frosty hospital pane of glass overlooked the grey skyscape...there i was >>>
full of percodan and morphine and confusion...
a doctor entered my room, bedside..."
and uttered those words...
"full blown aids..."
my body relaxed for the first time in years...
and i just let go...
it was a relief...actually...
to know that i was dying...
and going to leave a world that didn't really want me....
i finally relaxed and gave up...
i couldn't fight all those voices anymore...
i couldn't hold off the pain and rage and fear and grief...
my friend kiel - who died at age 26 - visited me in my dreams for many months after he passed...and many, many more...some i cant even remember...
i fell into the abyss of grief and tried to ignore it -- but it was always obvious...always snagged me bedside when i would awake in a night-sweat of fear or panic...
and then id just push it down and try to go forward...
and i did that for almost two decades....
but then -->>>>>>>>>>>>
i got sick...
I got real, real -- sick...
the doctors didn't really know what to say except...
"most of your bodies major systems are failing right now -- they are shutting down..."
the unspoken message: >>>>>>"kirk - you're dying..."
and secretly through the percodan and morphine haze -
i just thought>>>
"thank god iam just, gonna get to leave this awful place and finally just -- get, to go --->>>>"home..."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
forever ago:
i grew up in a time when there were no laws to protect you if you were accused by being a fag...in fact - it was used as an excuse for murder, many times...and the fag bashers always got away with it...
got away with murder...
and likewise...
i wont bore you with the fact that all gay people - back then, were also labeled "mentally ill..." and alot of them were locked up into psyche wards...
because they couldn't hide who or - what they were born as...
1976 -
my high school - sunny - "happy" california...
yep back then anyone could be suspected of being a fag...
and you always had to defend the fact that you weren't -
"a fucking fag..." who
"just wants to suck dick..."
the sunny california 70s of my youth...
california -- 1976 -- seemed like a long - long way away --->>> as i lay in a midtown west hospital bed -- just being diagnosed with a terminal illness - and taking two "percodans" for pain...handed to you on a tray from the floor nurse...
"full blown aids..."
have a nice day.....
I weighed a total of 110 pounds -- forty pounds less than what my normal weight should be - i looked like "ET" the extraterrestrial...and actually i felt like that also...
my mind going back wards trying to trace the threads of my life as i watched the slow - slow drip of the potassium-saline solution drip into the IV and then into the needle in my arm...
doctors and nurses came and went -- telling me things -- asking me questions...i don't remember much of that time...just a haze...a bluish white haze coming out of my body or my aura...
my worst nightmare (finally) manifesting...right before me as a horrible death for all to see...
evidence that the "christians" were right....
somewhere i had the vague thought..
"how did i get here...?"
my body was a knot of pain and rage...
bewilderment...and light...
and although the "Christians" would have left me in the street for dead and praised jesus for it...god had other plans...
indeed...
an uncountable number of angels appeared...to heal me, bring me back...tell me how much they loved me...help in so many ways...my nurses seemed like apparitions of love..through the haze...the "portals" opening up over my bed as they were...angels whispering --
"kirk -- do you really wanna go (home) now?...
if you really want go well take you there...and if somewhere you want to stay then well make it ok...." and then they would vanish...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
today -- my consolation seems to be that maybe, somebody - somewhere - some day will hear my story -- the story which I'am telling you now-- and then maybe change their closed minds about how all gay people choose to be
"the way they are..."
i love the line -- "you choose that lifestyle..." thats a "killer" -- really - thats the best one yet...
to state the obvious -- the hiv virus is contracted from a specific series of behaviors...it has nothing to do with how you live your life...
i would have given my soul to have been straight and married in the suburbs with two kids a hummer off road vehicle sucking gas and sending our troops to war for more oil...yeah --- a week end boat in the garage...and the Rv parked on the side yard....
but no --
ah yeah - like I said...god had other plans...
there was no getting around it -- bro -- i buckled under the pressure after 30 years...and
yep - i liked it - "up the ass..." and when i finally started doing it -- "bare-backing" without condoms -- it was a revelation -- and i didn't plan on stopping...
I wanted out....i had been convicted and punished and sentenced..the only thing left to do, of course -->>>was commit the crime....
i had monogamous relationships for many years..then single and sitting home watching late night cable...
the playboy channel - watch the glorification of heterosexuality...in film and literature -- not the glorification of hetero - marriage but hetero - "out of wed lock" sex...
i was like, you know what - ?
fuck them -- they can act out -- right ?
they can swing their dicks all over the place -- and try to get some "trim.." "pussy.." "ass..." but when a gay guy decides to flex his sexual appetites...
yeah then god's punishment is close at hand..
yeah...
yes -- it is true that after 15 years of having totally safe and protected sex - in monogamous - committed relationships -- up until around the year 2000 when my-
on again - off again lover of 7 years and i parted of the ways and "divorced.."
in the year 2000...
when in my father passed away - my birth mother returned from a 26 year disappearance... and my step mother told me that shed never ever accept me for "being gay..." and just for the record -- yeah disinherited me for - yep, being a fag...
and my best friend died from complications of a lethal mix of anorexia - meth addiction - diet pills and fear**
(**homo-phobia and anti-Semitism vented on him his whole life...he wasn't nearly as strong as me and twice as psychically sensitive...i always, kinda knew he wouldn't make it, and loved him twice as much while he was here and miss him deeply - Drew was jewish and also my best friend and one of the few people that ever "got me..." and my humor..
I started to crack....and then my first lover, danny, died from aids -- after a 15 battle with a depressed immune system -- mixed in with the 911 terrorist attack, and the fall out -- red alert...
that my body began to age and show the signs of wear and tear: that the real "fun" began...
guess what ?
I was turning 40...
my youth was fading:
but all of this occurring still wasn't enough to break me down....just completely neurotic in a genius sort of way, mind you but not totally - completely just have your entire body and psyche and mind absolutely -- just shut off and say -- "ok man-- no more...I'am tired and I've had it...I cant take anymore..."
no --
it was all of the above - that transpired in the course of about 18 months -- coupled with a few of my less than ethical coworkers who tend bar with me trying to basically, get me fired, simply because they wanted my lucrative bar shifts...
yeah that and the fact that the building owner where i live decided to renovate the vacant apartment next to me -- --
two months of jackhammering, hammering and work men coming and going all afternoon which is, as i told you, my prime REM sleep time -- i was sleep deprived...starved for rest...
i wasn't in therapy at the time but i was looking for a therapist to discuss my "grief" with --
i was totally depraved of sleep from the next door-apartment daily construction...
and then yeah -- i decided that i would meditate...in order to regain my center -- find my inner strength -- and then the floodgates of my fear -- i guess opened...
heres the corker that threw me over the edge....
cockroaches....
thats right every cockroach from the all the apartments on my floor -- began to be dislodged from the hammering and putting up of new dry wall,
and then my apartment - my sanctuary, began to be filled with pestilence, mice and cockroaches and ah -- more cockroaches....they were everywhere....
i sat there meditating -- nervous and working on about three hours of sleep each night...
like i said: cockroaches were everywhere...
in my bed...
in my coffee cups...
in the refrigerator..crawling across me at night...
yeah finally -- i guess i think no, then i was >>>just totally maxed....
ah -- yeah i just -- finally "fuckin snapped..."
to say the least...
i really just wasn't there any more....
>>>i began going to after hours sex clubs ---
having - unprotected - "bare-back" sex at first as kind of a thrill -- to say "fuck the world"
and everything else here and then i guess - if the real truth be told...maybe mainly because all my friends - were "gone" or had fallen away after becoming hiv positive...
and my support to remain hiv negative was basically gone...
yeah i bare-backed in order to infect myself and hopefully die and leave this fucked up world...
in peace...
it would be a nice big gay "goodbye"
ah --->>>>yeah -- bye....
"God hates fags..." right?
have a nice day.....
it's all-right if - in the name of jesus, our country can send scores of young men to war in the middle east to defend the country ? and die...
or secure the mother-load of oil for a few wealthy fat-cats in washington -- in the name of god and god bless america -- and if they all die then thats honor and duty to country -- then the "thall shall not kill..." commandment doesn't really apply in this case but hell yeah it sure does when two men wanna suck it each other's dicks in the privacy of their own homes or even, god forbid, create a scared union of monogamy and trust together -- then no -- god's punishing hand will be right there...
in the name of the bible...it's against "man's law..."
homo-sexuality...
yeah -- even if you were born that way...
ah -- you dont deserve the same rights as everyone else...
no...
youll always be a freak and an outsider...
god will never love you and youll never have any love...
and all this swirled around my body and mind and yes i admit it -- finally after 40 years of trying to roll with it all --
i just let go...
i broke down...
i had unsafe sex -
i acted out my death wish...
i bare-backed without condoms...yep i just wanted to die...
to fuck and die....
and get the hell out...
just like all the others who didn't make it as far as i had...
yeah i infected myself --
i wanted the fuck out...
and was willing to simply let my body die out to escape my circumstances here ---
but like i said...
that was not god's plan --
because i'am still here and fuck-shit no --
i guess --
it just wasn't "my time..." to go...
time...something to be endured or mastered...
time...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
this too shall pass....
the timepieces in my kitchen -- tick away....
tick tick tick -- and really life speeds by like a few minutes...doesn't it ?
for good or for bad...it just seems to vanish...
>>>>>>>>>
i lay there in the hospital watching all the memories: "my life" float out of me...
my heart chakra spinning from trying to heal it all:
but i couldn't do it...
i tried to do it....
i wanted to take away the worlds pain...and on certain days that was all it could offer me...grief and pain and the lies that said: because your gay -- youll die a horrible death -- with no dignity...shamed and forgotten...
i wanted to help people...
but did i ?
that was one of many questions i asked -- laying thee waiting to die for ten days...no food in my body, indeed nothing in my body but medications..
no.
nothing in my body: not even me...
?//////////////
i lay there waiting...filled with medications and questions and then as the morphine kicked in simply passing out and dreaming of my life...another life -- a dream of my adolescence...around the time that i wanted to commit suicide...
and of course, of my cousin: Jake....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
1976...
a lazy - hot july afternoon...
i was detoxoing from cocaine and last nights alcohol binge on the high school campus football field late at night -- a six pack of beer - and drinking with the captain of the wrestling team...
we were smashed...
it started with a look in his eyes...
then he started laughing...
and standing above me...
as i lay on the grass laughing also...
and sat on my stomache, and pinned my wrists down - to the grass, then he looked into my eyes...
and then - oh my god...
he kissed me...and he kissed me harder and he didn't stop...
and i kissed him back >>>
he took my hand to his crotch...his dick was hard and then suddenly fast and quick -- mine got hard beneath him...I
tore off my shirt and undid my pants and then i undid his...
and then....yep....i fucked him
on the grass...under the stars, in front of god --- in front of jesus...
the all - star captain of the wrestling team...the prom king....in my arms, getting my dick up his...and jerking off and kissing me all the way...
then before we knew it...
we both passed out (together in each others arms...)
i might add...
his varsity jacket draped over both of us as a kind of blanket...
cheek to cheek...
amen.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
to be continued.....
the next morning we were awakened by the summer session's girls soccer team coming onto the field to practice...
my pants down around my ankles...blake was laying next to me....
empty "miller" bottles scattered around laying on the grass...
the sun glaring down --
all of a sudden waking up and looking up at the coach...and then seeing blake...his fine furry butt and beautiful cock -- a morning hard-on...
hard in the afternoon day sun --
looking into his eyes and then realizing that we were not alone...
that his johnson was standing straight up in all it's glory kinda flapping in the air, and that dumb - sexy smile on his mug that made everyone fall in love with him, his lazy bedroom eyes, gazing into mine - as he began to grin, thinking for a second that we were still alone...
and about to grin, >>>>>but.........
then realizing where we were and remembering the night before -- he reached over to kiss me....and pull his varsity jacket tighter around us...all in the same motion, his mouth about to grace mine...his lips just grazing mine, and then his head turned....to look upward....
and then whamm -- absolute panic....
"oh my god!!!!!"
we both looked up...the female soccor coach surverying Blakes hard bone and my butt, as I was laying on my stomache, without my pants on, standing right over us....
my pants were about six feet away on the grass, as well as my boxers and one of my boots, the other one was still on...
"Holy shit!!!!" Mrs Cavanuagh!! whats she doing here??"
blake belted out to me....
then he just yelled...."Fuck! shit-- I'am ---- outta here..."
pulled his pants on and ran home.....
>>>>>>>>>>>>
the both of us -- hung-over to shit and both knowing that now, the entire school would know what happened....
blake moved fast and quick--- pulled on his pants - left his t-shirt laying there beside me and ran....away-----
fast>>>>
just ran away...his body a small dot on the horizon before i knew it....and then disappeared....
"Mrs. Cavanugh...I ah, it was ah -- we -- were ah---"
i kinda fumbled for an explanation and my pants at the time time, i grabbed blake's T-shirt and held it in fronot of my crotch and kinda hunched over, looking into her eyes and knowing there was nothing to explain or say....but then blurted out....
"Its ah -- it's not -- it's not,>>>>>
how it looks....I swear -- really..."
I held blake's t-shirt tight -- covering my dick and tryong to bend over to grab my boxers and pants...and also trying to cover my butt - ah butthole -- while doing it....
then i slipped on my boxers and bolted....and just fucking ran -- outta sight....into the parking lot and got into my pick up truck and drove away....
holy shit -- i just had my honeymoon - kinda -- or something and now i was gonna get a divorce... I knew i'd never really, ever talk to blake again....
we both knew that we were toast...totally found out...that we were butt-fucking fags....
our lives would never be the same...
and they weren't...
blake was a senior and --
the kind of pain that cant be healed you just have to ask god to do it or take it from you --
1976
- working for my father's construction company...
i was late for work...and got an ass chewing for it...i was tired -- i climbed a ladder that led to the top of my father's office but was covered...into a tight four foot high storage space filled with old trunks and files and work equipment...
i was in the crawl space laying there and then as if time had passed without realizing it -- the voice was in my head, and a bottle of acid was at my mouth -- ready to pass over my lips and end my time here...
thank god --- >>>
I closed my eyes...
ready - aim - fire --
a few wafts of the yellowish green liquid tickled my nose and then hit my throat hard --
i choked on the fumes...but i was ready to go...
then i heard my father's secretary call my name...
"kirk..."
and i dropped the bottle between my legs:
it layed on its side -- dripping out slowly and making a chugging sound...
"kirk" were going to lunch...do you want something- from the deli ? a sandwich or something ??"
I paused my legs were being fried -- i was awash in toxic fumes...i panicked -- my heart was speding - adreniline shot through my viens like some emtional meteror -- some of the acid -- had hit my pants - bleaching them white, instantly...
i don't kno what i said -- to the scretary or how i responded...i saw a pile of rags nearby and threw them on the acid to stop the fumes; I lifted the bottle up right to stop it's flow onto my shoes and jeans and then very low key and non-chalant i said: "ah - no i'am good - I'll eat later.." she said "ok well i'll see ya later...?"
she was an entire floor below me --- and couldn't see me -
"are you ok?" she then asked -- and i responded like: "i don't have any idea what your reffering to...type of -- "yeah i'am fine...i'am ok -- i'll see ya later..."
she disappeared...
the voice was still there.. waiting; it would always be there...i had to be cool.
never let on that i was gay - basically project a false personae until i could escape to? ah, somewhere, i'll have to get away and go somewhere - where theres people like me -- other guys -- like me-- find ah -- "my kind..."
that VOICE...for the next ten years was on the back burner of my mind night and day...
"yeah your a fag -- and you know it -- and your entire life is gonna be about being a fag and having people hate you..."
>>>>>>the day of the acid --
of truly ackowledging what i was and and how much i wanted out of my circumstances and life -- and also realizing that there was no changing them either...
i was always clear on that...
but I'd have to fake it until i could get away...
the day of the acid --
i hid in the back construction yard amongst the big ass cement trucks...and then around four went into the office and said that i had to go home because i spilled some acid on my pants:...by "accident."
the pool acid was used often to clean trowels and other metal tools that had become caked with dried cement...so it wasn't much of a stretch to say you'd been using it clean something...
but then i fell into a melancholy -
a questioning of life and everything...
"to be or not to be>>>?" that was my question...
and i wrote about it in a private journal...(atleast it was private until ah >>> my step mother found it ah --- yeah --
"vacumming my desk drawers..."
i was so naive.
i didn't feel the need to hide it because never in my wildest dreams could i have imagined that anyone would go into my room - my space and violate my sacred privacy...
boy did i get a wake-up call --
she not only found it and read it -- she put it back in the desk then continued to read it for next few months that i logged my feelings and thoughts -- really: it as the ultimate invasion and betrayl...
then >>at the worst possible point in my pain and confusion >>>she confronted me on my cocaine use and suicidal thoughts...and what i had written about beinbg in love witb a guy and what happened on the football field...
IT WAS a confrontation: an accusation:
it wasn't pesented as a concern, like "I'am worried"
or "can we talk?"
it was more like...
"i caught you and now i know all your private thoughts and feelings..."
"i have something on you..."
>>>>>>>>>>>>
suicide - the ultimate ride...
yeah - i wrote that first poem, high on cocaine...knowing that if i did just a few more hits...that my heart would slow down and stop...
my heart was racing - i was writing...then everything slowed down. i stepped right up to the precipice of death...ready to jump into the next realm --
my heart leveling to a slow beat...
everyting kind of coated in a white-ish silver haze...
i said to myself: "this is it -- yes or no?"
i backed off and waited..maybe i went too far and it was too late...
>>>to be or not to be...?
had i grown up with well read parents - educated parents or even had a parent that was a "Witch" like me, or a person around me that could advise me about the advanced kind of "emtional - psychic- mental"
transitions i was experiencing at that time they would have probably directed me to shakespear's famous: hamlet --
"to be or not to be..."
and asked -
"ok tell us what your feeling right now"...
or:
"you have to learn to say or identify your feelings as: despair or hopelessness.." and then we can discuss them and let go of them..." take away their power...
de-fuse them...
"i wanna commit suicide..."
was all i could hash out in my thoughts...
the only internal language i had at that time was, a vague feeling of being trapped and wanting to run away...
and i just translated that into;
"I wanna commit suicide..."
after writing the "ultimate ride..." and fearing I'd gone too fat i crawled to bed and passed out -- i guess. i don't remember...
about a week later at my dad's construction yard -
the back warehouse...there was a crawlspace over the offices below used as storage...it was the kinda "secret" place kids find to pull down there pants and show what they got and see what you've got:
my cousin - jake - was the one that showed me how to push the ladder up against the 14 foot wall and land into the crawl space and hang out...
the first time went up there, of course, he pulled out what i know realize was one of the biggest dicks i would ever see in my life: a true fat - nine inch cock...
all floppy and half hard...
"take a look at this..." jake remarked...and
he wanted to see mine...and i showed him...
I was about 6 or 7 years younger than jake...
i got hard instantly...
he just laughed and then crawled down the ladder and disappeared for an hour or so somewhere in the construction yard which was easy to do -- there was a back lot filled with old heavy duty equipment - cement mixers that didn't work and were all rusted out -- a few sheds for tools and a tractor that had been dis-carded but never hauled away...
I hadn't seen jason in a week or so...
ONE AFTERNOON - my cousin jake was playing around with a "mini-bike" which basically was a tiny motorcycle - but it had no gears...if you took off the brake it hauled ass down the block...
jake called to me:
"hey Cmon - get on the min-bike and go for a ride..."
I said "No."
he started making fun of me -- saying i was a "pussy..."
embarrasssing me in front of the workers, many of whom i had secret crushes on ...
all of which were totally hot, muscled california good looking studs...some white - some black or mexican -- all of them rowdy and rough and sexy as hell...
alot of them were shirtless from lifting bags of cements or just getting in from a job and swathed with dust and dirt, smelling like a guy smells after a hard days work...
for a closeted 16 year old...it was like a living hell and an untouchable heaven...
it was a living hell...
and yeah i couldnt act on my repressed feeling and couldn't hold them in or down much longer...
there was going to be an accident - an explosion -- or maybe i just had to die to eascape it all...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
to question your existence is the first sign of emotional maturity -- spiritual yearning -- its the beggining of going off the path -- and finding out who you really are -- examing deep thoughts and feelings about the cosmos and the universes within and with out --
i was alone - with all of it -- i was alone...
(fuck) at 17 years old, i was done.
i was tired of living...
i had the weariness of an old man...
and the knowing of a sage...
yet i lacked the internal language and dialougue at that time to be eloquent about what i was experiencing...
in another place or another time i would have found paint brushes to paint it -- an instrument of music to play it out -
i would have found a sport that i liked to move my energies into -- but it did't happen - i only had a pen and paper...so thats what i used...
i would draw little comic-like faces in the side lines of my written thoughts but truly the first thing i went to was writing poems...
poetry is my first love...and always will be...i kept journals and wrote in them when i was confused or scared...
"Cmon you fuckin PUSSY! - everybodies waiting to watch you ride the min-bike..."
jake called through the yard...
a crowd gathered...all the studs surrounded me --
even back then i had the propensity to anorexia...but was well muscled -- from helping the guys stack their trucks at night with 100 pound bags of cement...
my chest muscles were actually over-built and buffed but my presence was kinda shy and well, like that of a poet and healer: definitely not a fighter...or a rough and tumble sort of guy like jake...
i shook my head, and came into the light of the sun from out of where we'd back up the trucks to work on them...
i walked out of the machine shop filled with huge red cases of wrenches and jack-hammers and pick - axes...
that area always smelled of gasoline and oil and grease...i kinda suantered around a minute and then I left the warehouse and walked to the blue - mini-bike that was reeving - loud and whiny:
jake's hand on the brake....holding it back...
holding the brake tight so it wouldn't jamm forth -- and peel away...
"ok here ya go -- " jake beigns to explain...
"i'am gonna release the break...for ya... once you get on..."
jake always had this perfect, brilliant con-artists grin and totally smooth way of talking - right before he was ready to completly embarass you or absolutely fuck you over...and i fell for it everytime...
this time, of course, was no exception...
I sat on the bike --
all the construction workers, the "guys" that worked for my dad came to watch...
a group of total hotty's as i said before...
surrounded me and the bike...except for jake everyone was alot older than me - like mid 30s...perfect and buffed I really just wanted their validation...
a validation of my masculinity, willing to prove just because i was the "bosses son" didn't mean that i was a total ass-wipe, good for nothing...
i climbed on the bike slowly and then looked into the eyes of one of the guys that i had the deepest secret crush on...
his name was "gus..."
gus was 6-4 tall around 185 - maybe 200 pounds and all muscle...had soft brown eyes - a handle bar mustache - and some scruff going on most of the time...
he almost always walked around "the yard" without his shirt on...was always in a cheerful mood and happy to be there working...
he rode in rodeos on the week ends and loved to tell stories about famous horses and sing out loud while he was working...
he was sort of a "tom of finalnd" / "billy doll" with straight brown hair...and big sexy lips...i thought of him often in the back of my thoughts..but would never admit it and now come to think of it, he must have known how much or how deeply i was - ah--- kind of, in love with him...
gus was everything i wasn't...
he was everything i wanted to be...big - strong - kind of happy go lucky -- unbothered by people or the world...totally beautiful...and strong..
a total "guy"...
i looked at gus and our eyes met and i kinda wished to ask him if i should get on the bike or not...he looked down upon me but just nodded like: "well, try it - well see..."
so i agreed
"ok...lets try it..."
then...
as i sat down on the seat my butt barely touching the plastic vynal cushion -- and the minute i relaxed:
jake let go of the brake and then at the same time turned a wild eye and laughed and
"gunned" the throttle...to full speed...
the mini-bike tore a patch of gravel...behind it -- it spun
the back wheel around and around and made a loud whirring noise and then it caught the pavement below and the bike took off...fast -- way too fast...
the bike steered through the yard...
i didn't have control of it at all...off it went -- and i with it -- out of control...
I nearly escaping hitting a truck -- and then looking back and watching the crowd -- looked ahead again only to crash -- head first into a chain link fence...
i wasn't wearing a helmet...i was in jeans and a t-shirt...
crash....
some of the guys peeled with laughter - some were quiet...
some were entertained...
a few ran over to help me up...
the bike lay in its side - the throttle stuck wide open and spinning the bike around a few times before somebody could hit the kill switch...
jake was holwing with delight...
my leg was bleeding. and the pant leg of my jeans was ripped open -- i was covered in dust and dirt...
jake ran over to me and began dusting off my pants...and trying to acess my bleeding leg...
"your ok -- your gonna be ok..." he said kinda scared - like saying - "don't tell your dad...it was just a joke...I didn't mean it..."
he kinda hugged me and then took the bike and rolled it back into the warehouse -- trying to fix the "govenor" which holds the throttle at a low point until you open it up...
everyone went back to working - i stumbled through the yard looking for a place to sit down or look at my leg...it was bleeding badly...
and then i saw gus walking toawrd me to ask me if i was "ok." just then i got light-headed and began to pass out - probably from the excitement and the fact that i hadn't eaten lunch yet...and seeing the blood and the cut on my leg...
just as i was about to fall onto the pavement gus caught me in his arms and carried me to the cement warehouse and laid me down on one of the cement pallets stacked five high...he went and got me some water...and slapped my face kinda softly to make me -- "come to.."
i sat up and drank the water...
"are you ok?" gus was saying...
i wiped my face and gus took some water from the cup hed given me to drink out of and he poured it into his hand and kind of washed my face a little bit...
my eyes became bright and i was revived...
gus touched my face and looked deep into my eyes for a minute and saw how hurt i was...my pride was hurt...and then without warning he ran over to jake and picked him up..right by the center of the t-shirt and swung his ass around in the air a few times and then threw him down...
"what the hellz wrong with you boy!!! -???"
he yelled at jake...
"you could have really hurt him...you pull another stunt like that in front of me i'll whip the tar right outta your ass - no questions asked...!"
jake was like a lil rag doll in gus' beefy buffed up arms...
mark got away from gus but he didn't say anything he just ran away and went to the corner liquor store or maybe hid in the back somewhere...and disappeared for an hour or so...
then gus came back to me and peered into my eyes almost like he knew id like that and then winked at me - like a cool guy to guy wink...as if to say:
"i'll protect you from that asshole - don't you worry..."
after gus went back to work...i crawled away to the secret place...and laid down and fell a sleep...
it was a few weeks later when a real darkness came over me...and i couldn't stop the voices in my head...
i had gotten drunk a few times from some "White Label" scotch stashed in my parents garage...and was feeling confused and spaced out...
i just remember climbing to the carwspace above my dad's offices and then seeing a crate of swimming pool acid...
i got an idea but i ignored it --
laying down on a pile of old rags i pulled off my pants and began...to spank one off as fast as i could:
then i heard jake coming up the ladder...
and i coulnd't get my pants up fast enough...
he totally caught me -- buttoning up my pants...
"oh well, well, well...what have we here -- ??" jake kind of bellowed out and then grabbed the top buttom of my jeans and undid them...expsposing my pre-cummed adollescent cock...
he surveyed it - up and down and then without warning he grabbed the middle of the shaft and said:
"thats really beautiful..." and then with his fist around my dick he looked me into the eyes and for a minute i thought he might kiss me....but he touched my lower lip and ran a finger across it...
"hey, ya wanna try some of this...?
and with that he unbuttoned his pants and pulled out his own cock -- now hard tottally big...and dripping at the head with some pre-cum...
"i wont tell anybody you were jerking off up here if you jerk me off too and well call it even...deal?" jake offered up - like a kind of blackmail...
i was shaking...i nodded - "yes..."
my dick was now fully hard again looking at jake's dick...
my dick was that still of a boy but his was the first true male - man, errection i ever saw...
it seemed huge compared to mine...
he had hair on his balls and they hugged the shaft of his phallus at first and then when he relaxed they fell and became two seperate nuts hanging there...full of juice...oozing out...
"go ahead man - put your hand around it..." he said guiding my hand to his pole...it was warm, i rememeber and i got a whiff of his crotch because he wasn't wearing any underwear...
and it smelled musky, like a locker room. kinda damp and masculine...
i was experiencing so many feelings...
and then without warning jake directed the head of his cock to my lips and then without talking - maybe i nodded yes - i dunno...
his errection went into my mouth and i began to suck it...
it felt good and right for me to do it somehow -- i dunno...
i don't remember much else...
i don't know if i came...
or jerked off my own dick while i sucked him off
but i do remember liking the taste and feeling that it seemed so big in my mouth...
jake's moves were smooth -- like hed done something like this before...
he was pushing the head and shaft all the way into my throat...his voice becoming soft and almost affectonate...
saying things like:
"thats it -- good boy...you like that???
it feels nice - right ?
oh yeah it feels so good...oh god...oh...yeah..."
touching the top of head nice...and stroking my hair -touching the back of my head - and then pulling me closer to him...
just then and i think jake would have came or was getting ready to but my father's secretary came around asking if were were going to lunch or not...
"hey! hey you guys!"
we could hear her from the outside warehouse of the machine shop...
"hey!" she called out - :where are you boys ? what are you two up to...?"
"up here..." jake called down totally cool - like nothing was going on...
>>>"just talking -- sharon...were getting lunch at "taco joes" - you go ahead..." jake yelled down - putting his wet dick back into his pants quietly and winking at me once with his famous devil's grin...
scrambling for the ladder to get downstairs and buttoning up his jeans all at once...
jake's eyes were bright and shiny...
he looked at me - clean:
"well finish this later --baby.." he whsipered and smiled and then disappeared down the ladder and then began working away in the machine shop...
making noise so everyone could hear him...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
yeah. it was a few days later. after jake and i - well after i sucked jake's cock that i tried to "off" myself...by drinking the acid...it went down something like this - as i recall:
i had the bottle of swimming pool acid to my lips ready to burn my insides so bad that id never recover, getting the bottle right up to my nose --- in the storage space above my father's office at the lot of his construction coampany...
i could hear the phones ringing below and the secretaries talking and chatting...i held the bottle tight and breathed in the highly toxic and dangerous to ingest chemical..fuck it was fucking ACID...and i was ready to drink it -- to escape what i was feeling at that time...
what i heard in my head: night and day --- i was still a virgin in both orientations at that time...the voice - the awful forboding and knowing that it was true...
i prefered to look at the guys - not the girls...
i wanted to kiss dick -- i wanted dick --- ah not jane...hehee
i think iwas "in love" with mark and i ached for him and also for gus...
to have gus hold me -
to have mark pull out his big dick again in the crawl space and put it in my mouth...
back then it - feeling those feeling seemed like the end of the world...
but that was what ? 1976 or 77 --
you just could'nt be a queer back then --
you just fucking didn't ever talk about shit like that, or youd wind up fag bashed and nobody would care how it happened --- they would just be glad that it did --
back then the general over-all message was --
"fags deserve to die" and - or --
"get the fags - find out whoose a faggot and eliminate them" something like that...
..no questions asked...
everyone was a suspect of anting to suck dick...
in high scool - anyone who looked the wrong way in the gym - while changing into your gym clothes -- or in the showers after wrestling practice -- could get branded "a queer" forever --
you'd be listed as the school "queer" and trust me
you didn't want that kind of abuse --
coming at youeveryday... you'd be subjected to the direct line of fire from a band of randy - rambunctious 17 and 18 year olds:
testoserone levels raging -- ready to prove that they were man enough to beat up or even kill the fuckin fag of the school...
point and shoot baby: you never knew what was coming next...
shirley jackson's short story: "the lottery" comes to mind here...
yes. yeah -- yeah. it really was like that - back in the day...
back in the 70s...and the early 80s...yeah it was - and i'am glad to be sitting here in 2006 still alive to tell the tale...
back in the late 60s and early 70s - you didnt time to sort through your feeling and consider your orientation or how you felt -- from the time i could remember --- fromt he first itme i open my eyes - it was nothing but 1 hundred - million miles an hour -- think fast -- look out jump fast -- dodge this and that and duck this and that -- 100 per-cent screaming fear..and panic..
no time to think.. sort it out, figure it out...
or let it be...
it was all fear here and the speed of anreniline and trying to get away from the truth - the fear and some unknown force that was out to get you-- that force was god all mighty -- and it was only a mtter of time before he found you out to be the evil - non worthy soul and spirit that desrved to be destroyed but first humilated and drug the mud...or worse..my thoughts ran like this - in the back -- and then - the wicked -- voices began in head --
at first seeming like far away...
then from deep inside you -- always gaining momentum -
ready to strike...pulverize..your tiny little body...
i think i weighed around 120 pounds until high school...
my waist was like a 26 or 27...i was a small framed 5-6 foot tall...afraid to breathe - afraid to let anything in or anything out...my eyes glazed over and vacant..even before i became i full fledge cocain addict age the age...of 17...
yeah -- fasten your seat belt..
this was going to be one hell of a ride...
by age 17 i'd allready been sexually assaulted by my two cousins - an uncle, my father's secretary - and my sisters...
my finger had been cut- off - my head had been split open...to the point of me being unconcious for over an hour...our house had caught on fire because my dad left something in the oven and passed out...i was a millionaire son and didn't even know it...i had something that everyone seemed to want and still i was a virgin...
pure and untouched in alot of ways...
with no idea of how to protect myself...grasp my innocence or keep it from being raped right outta me...
i was hospitalized around 12 for pnuemonia...and almost died...everytime the nurses left the room --- i pulled the IV right out of my arms...and whatever they were spilling into my viens -- coated the bed and my body -- then i'd pass out -- and thed find me - half dead...laying there wet from saline solution...
eventually they strapped me to the bed...tied my wrists down so i couldn't move...for a week --- strapped with my hands to my sides...until i was better...yeah -- i sure was better after that...baby...some pediphiles wet dream...
olive skin -- clear knowing green eyes - a naturally athletic tone to my body skinny as i was...my body was perfect in many ways...my mind forzen from all the traumas and all ready two near death expeirnces --
after awhile...i just --- was not there anymore...
after awhile you go into complete fantasy -- the colors become alive...you escape in your mind -- but on the outside -- nothing can touch you -- you go to "kirk-land" go somewhere else -- leaving your body to fend for itself...
"ive got get away..."
"I want to commit suicide..."
was all i could think...
i'd find way to remove myself...
one afternoon the thought occured to me: I'am gonns drink this acid and then -- "i'll be done..."
i sit on my hellz kitchen fire escape smokig organic cigarettes...
i ponder all that has occurred...
Ive been through every transformation possible - even that of death - many times over...
i'd still give my last dime for a smoke...or my last two bucks for a few minutes at the porno-video booths in times square for a free blow job...
I'd still rather sit on the street with the losers or loners than bask in the light of a vip lounge with the liars...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
i believe:
the pahtway to heaven is lined with the fires of hell...
the crucible of transformation...
the pain of love and the alienation of "the other..."
you have to know and learn the power and gentleness of light
and love...
withstand the chilling cold of truth revealed...
the darkness of wanting...
and the wholeness of spirit...
the value of the soul and the body---
and the gold that resides in the heart...
am i angel that fell into the hellish pit of the material world -- forever dammed to have the remembrance of heaven - and light?
or am i a demon?
crawling steadily from the pit of darkness into a light eternally burning me - soothing me and guiding me ?
i can not say --
it is my wish that something Ive done here has healed someone - somehwere...that is all...
psychics and fortune tellers tell me that I'am a
"god on earth"
a truly incarnated "divine being..."
a teacher...
a master in disguise...
laying in the gutters of poetry...
and languishing in the trenches of poverty...
>>>
my girl friends in college often told me that i was the: "devil.." or
"totally evil.." or
"wicked and cruel..."
"a latent homo-sexual..."
my fiance' screamed at me in a mykonos hotel suite...
"your the most disgusting person i've ever, met and i never want to see you again..."
the men i have had sex or affairs with have asked me:
"are you half (puerto) rican ?" or have said :
"you have the dick of a porn star..." and "jesus god -- that ass..."
or "your such a good cuddler..."
my family just thinks I'am strange and lost...
and my friends truly love me....fear me, adore me -- respect me and accept me...
all things considered I'am glad ( I think ) that i made the trip here...
I know that there happens to be a good many angels watching over me and protecting me...
night and day...
they sit on my bed and watch me sleep --
they cry when i'am sad and they rejoice when i'am happy...
they healed me when i was almost dead and dying...
they told me secrets and gave me love...
and reminded me of who I'am...
i think I'am a very rich man indeed to know all the angels and angel-humans and kinda somewhat demons and lost souls and shinning masters who have crossed my path...
all the people that hurt me - healed me or held me are not here -- thye are now somehwere else and someone else...
i'am alone but now - not lonely...
some think me god - some say beast - others say demon and some differ to angel...
most of the time I simply -- actually just forget that I'an here...
ah i dunno -
you tell me --
ive given you my best -- perhaps made you hard with arousal -- or told you the gold of my heart, showered some light into your soul...or brought some poetry to your life...
it's your turn now to whisper your secrets to me...
tel me everything...
Sean's Blue Pajamas - part one
my blue pajamas
part one
blue pajamas>>>>>>>>>>>
a long dream...of being awake...
an average morning at sean's house...
my strange beautiful life "here..."
at times...I wonder if i'am not dreaming my entire life...
my entire "waking" life...here
time seems to blur...race or slow down...
kind of...like: dreaming - then sleeping -
awake and then dreaming...
wondering...
day dreaming...
sleeping: awake and then not awake...
in a dream of remembering being awake...
remembering heaven...
wanting to be alive and then knowing...
dreaming and being naked...
being born and dying...
dying and going home...
being at "home" and then wanting to be alive...
re-incarnating -
and then dreaming...again...
a long, vibrant, confusing, "vanilla sky" of reality....
meditating - wondering - sobbing...flying...making love, eating chocolate...
awake.
flying...
going home and then flying...
and then dying...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
flying...
every morning i wake up feeling kind of angry...and sad and "hung over..."
i don't drink alcohol...
every time i wake up - i feel traumatized...
i usually find myself out of bed and not remembering how i got there...
naked and pacing about the kitchen...
looking for my pajamas...
pacing about -- looking for a pan to boil some water in for an instant coffee...
wondering if i'am still dreaming...
i'am rarely "in my body"...
my close friends are always telling me -- ah...
"kirk -- you've got to get back into your body..."
i'am getting used to it though -- "having a body"
even thou on some days i really hate the constriction of it and of being bound to the laws of this
"material reality..."
in another time and place i know humans can (actually) fly but no ones dared to do it yet...
we haven't reached a level of conciousness to have a body that can fly: a "person" that can do that - is called an "ascended master..." and they do exist...
kinda like "Neo..." in the "Matrix..."
i think it is interesting to note here that everyone has dreams of flying and also, of being naked in public...
i have a contentious relationship with my body...
and it's always been that way...
it's amazing to me that a person can survive:
having a finger cut off at age four -
being hospitalized for pnuemonia at age ten...(and being strapped to the hospital bed because i pulled the IV needle out of my arm when the nurses would leave the room...)
having their head split open...and nearly "flat-lining" at the age of tweleve...
survivng three near-fatal car accidents...
being pulled off a burning bed in college - (i had been drinking and surrounded my bed with lit candles...before passing out...the bed caught on fire...and i was pulled off of it just before i caught on fire myself...)
having a dis-ease that, to this day, does not have a name - (it vanished after the doctor shot me up with a lethal dose of penicillian, as a last resort, not really knowing what else to do...the symptoms were a grisly assortment of ailments, among other things, that included vomitting black water?)
being bed ridden for three years for sciatica back pain...
a life long death wish that has manifested itself as:
a cocaine addiction - age 16...
five years of drunk driving - (driving on the side walk two different times in an alcoholic "black-out" and one of those times wrapping my pontiac trans-am around a palm tree...)age 21
being arrested on numerous occasions - ages 19-22
detoxing from my alcoholism and drug addiction- age 24
driving over 100 miles an hour through the state of texas for three hours without stopping...age 25
a ten day stay at an asylum after threatning suicide to psycho therpaists and consuelors at a "co-dependancy rehab" in pensylvania...age 27
taking an exacto knife to my face in an act of self-hatred...age 28
survivng the eastern "medical"diagnosis of what is called: "a broken heart" three times...ages 26, 32 and 40...
herbal supplement - dhea, reishi mushroom and testoserone over dosing...age 42
being electrocuted in a bathtub - age 43...
dragging total strangers that i met on - line into my apartment to fuck me, at five in the morning...ages 40-45
being hospitalized for near liver - gallbladder and kidney failure, among other (stress related dis-orders) - age 45...
a vicadin addiction: age 46...
theres more...
(not to mention>>>>>):
and, of course, general "insanity" and panic in a general sense and last but not least...
living in nyc for over 20 years...
>>>>>>>>>
my body....
my body and i have survived all the above...yeah.
together...
me...and my body...
sounds incredible, right ?
actually...
i'am kinda of impressed by my body's ability to hyper-mend itself...and just keep bouncing back from wahtever comes along...and whatever i've thrown at it...
either that or it's a true testament to spiritual and medical miracles...or the team of angels that (seem to) hover above me -- night and day...
today...
I woke up wondering yet again how I got "here..."
I woke up in despair and depressed...
in a sense I woke up hating everything...with a sense of dread...
it's mid afternoon...time to start the day
begin the next "episode" of my life "here."
my life here seems to go like this :
i remember...being awake: then not being awake...
then dreaming...
dreaming...
row, row, row, your boat...gently down the stream...
did you ever have a dream - and inside the dream, you "dream" that you wake up...
but then, actually, later...
you realize that - in fact - the dream was a dream of you awaking even though you were still a sleep?
>>>those dreams always seem more "real" than my "regular" dreams...
a brief over view of "Quantum Mechanics" dictates that "linear" time can not be "proven..."
that "Time" ocurs:
the past - present and future...(all) occurs, at the same "time..." with an : infinite number of possible "Outcomes..."
a kind of "kaliedescope of realties...always different and always morphing...
>>>>>>>>>>
I have been meditating for over ten years.
my reality is beggining to "accelerate..."
my life is taking on a hyper-surreal aspect...
kinda like flying...
everything is now, going fast-->>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I prefer instant coffee actually, to fresh brewed, which reminds me of the time when i lived in london.
you couldn't get fresh coffee in london back then - for love or money -- (sorry for the cliche')
but they drink tea over there - but now i've heard that they have starbukks -
they only had instant coffee in london when i was there in 96 -- so i drank "nescafe" instant...
i got used to it --- and now i dig it.
I always wake up wanting to chain smoke and drink coffee...
today: i woke up with all the lights on, the plasma screen tv flashing images into my bedroom...
blurry and random...
a blue haze seems to coat the darkened room where i sleep...my bedroom has "black-out" shades so light can enter...in fact, I'am the only light, there, in the space...
the most commom color from the tv screen is blue...
when i awoke today the tv was switched on to:
"The weather channel..."
the day's forecast was: "73 degrees in new york city..."
late October...73 degrees in mid fall...
another day of: "Apocalypse now" weather...
the ambiens i took last night kicked in hard and fast...
one minute i was watching re-runs of "the X-files..." kinda getting a half "woody" over moulder pushing around some "suspect" and then the next thing i knew i was wandering around the kitchen thirsty, half naked,
and dazed....
i always wake up feeling "strange.." and the feeling always surprises me...
as if some day i'll wake up feeling different: and i know in my heart: i never will...
I (still) feel like an "alien" here...(in this reality)
i wake up every morning, which is really afternoon, and i think...
"I'am still "tied" to this body and this lifetime..."
as if i could somehow awake in another body or maybe just in "heaven" or another reality all together perhaps dreaming of this lifetime but not returning to it...
or even on a large silver table:
and
as i open my eyes...
an attendant would remark:
"kirk -- wake up -- you were dreaming --- ok?
it was all a dream - a dream sequence that you paid for and we "implanted" that sequence at your request...
it's time to wake up --
it's time to go home..
please pay the cashier on the way out..."
i know this will happen at the end of my "life, "here..."
atleast i think it will...
i don't know what i'am doing here...
i wake up and I feel "strange..."
like a stranger..to myself and to the world...
>>>>> i kinda hate my body for making me come - "back here.."
the contentious relationship i have with my body is underlined every morning...
i kinda resent having to feed and clothe my body and my body kinda resents me for leaving all the time..
at night my body needs rest so it "goes to sleep" but i can fly around and have "fun"...on the "astral planes..."
if my body awakes in the middle of sleeping i get "called back" from the astral palnes immediatley...
did u ever wake up to sit on the edge of the bed, and then suddenly get a shiver and a kind of...strange jolt...?
and then your fully aware? and awake ?
thats "you" returning to your body...
that JOLT - is your spirit - getting back into your physical form here...
it's something like that -- and i don't think it can be explained in words in a "linear" type of definition -
but i think you get the idea...
i have something called; "missing time..."
and i have it alot.
"missing time" basically means that: you truly, really, don't know where you've been or what you've done...- while there...for minutes or hours...
this concept is also true of "alien abductees..." but i don't really think the aliens could ever find me because I'am never where i'am supposed to be - when i'am supposed to be there...(if my friends can't find me then how will the aliens...?)
sometimes...if it's warm outside i just wear my pajamas right out onto the street:
and since it is hellz kitchen - and since i truly do believe that life is a dream and it's my dream -- then me wearing pjs in the street won't seem to matter and nobody will ever care about something like that in my dream...
although>>>>>
One time, a guy followed me home seeing my half-hard "morning boner" kinda bouncing around in my pj's while walking back to my apartment from getting a coffee...
i guess i had an errection when i woke up, as most guys do, but I didn't realize it until i saw this irish guy checking out my hot, half-hard package as I walked down the street and back to my apartment...
he then followed me up the street to the front door of my building kinda not saying anything but it was obvious what he wanted...
then followed me upstairs and sucked me off...
and ah fucked me...
and i fucked him...but we didn't kiss...
i just kinda, unlocked the front door seeing him all shy, like -- just standing there next to me all of a sudden...
>>>hanging his head all low and then looking up at me: kinda sad and scared and wanting something...
(my) keys in hand unlocking the front door -- and him all, staring down hard at my "basket..." and nodding -- like: "lemme come up?"
I turned toward him...and then - I looked down --
my hand burning from the hot coffee cup...
I saw that indeed, without realizing it --- my thick 8 incher was thinly outlined by the light - sheer, blue, oxford cloth pajama bottoms i was wearing: without any boxers underneath I might add...
yeah, i looked down -- >>> and saw my half hard morning "johnson" sticking out "kinda hung" through the material and then I just jutted out my chin toward him...and met his eyes...
i dunno - maybe I mumbled: or winked and said:
"ok -- lets go..."
maybe he kind of grabbed it on the street - (my cock,) and smiled at me - wink wink...
"you live around here??"
maybe i saw him first and then tilted my head toawrd the building - like: "follow me, bro..."
I dunno...
I just remember that I held open the front door...
like i said i was in a fog,: I hadn't had my morning coffee yet...
I had a jack-hammer of a head ache left over from popping a levitra (a medically prescribed "errection" pill) from the night before --
((Levitra is: a tiny red pill that gives you a raging hard on all day long or ah - all night long: depending on when you take it...it's basically an errection in pill form -- and yeah, it works, man...yep it sure does...
you take this little red pill...then you wait...
and then for the next three days -- your pushing around a half hard phallus - even when you don't want to anymore...
you've got this heavy bulge in your jeans at the least and then sometimes you just break into a full (hot/aching) boner without warning...
(this happened to me once at the blockbuster dvd rental store late at night and was quite embarassing but there were a few guys who - i think, kinda dug seeing it...)
i like guys checking out my cock - and if the truth be told - more than one dude has asked if they could worship my cock and even pray in front of it...
anyway...
there I was sporting a nice thiick woody for the world to see or pray in front of...and i really wasn't paying attention...
and then at my front door step, suddenly "Irish bro" appears kinda licking his chops over my cock...
thats when i realized that my cock was bouncing around -- jutting out in front of me -- on the street --- and then when this guy appeared i started to get hard as a diamond, ah wedding ring...
I mean, really man...
I was just about to pop a full - complete, total raging - hard on: right there on the street...
>>> yeah bro...like a fresh, hot>>> hot, hot, aching,
really ringing - hard >>> "lemme shoot it down ur throat hip hop -- hot- ringin -- aching --- boner...
popping into full mast through my pj's...
right there on 44th and tenth, in hellz kitchen...midtown manhattan...nyc...
Standing there - it was obvious that: the bro, ah
well...like i said --->> he wanted to suck it...
"you wanna come in?..." I mumbled...
trying to breath and hide my 8 incher...and keep it pointed toward the front door so the passersby couldn't see it...
"ya wanna suckit..? bro..."
i said: more like an accusation than a question...
he looked down and nodded his head quickly like a 12 year old asking for a second cookie...
i took my hand to his cheek and lifted his chin toward mine...
"is that what you want ? man >>>?
"you wanna wrap your nice, hot, sexy-perfect lips around my cock?? and suck it? suck the juice out of it?? ---man? answer me !"
he looked down...
kinda full of shame and remained silent...
and kicked one foot into the other and then he looked up and said...
"ah - yes..."
"yes what??" i asked him...
and he said...
"yes i want to suck it..."
our eyes met...and i could feel that i liked him and maybe wanted to kiss him and then i said:
"ah, ok, then lets go..."
I unlocked the front door and he followed me...upstairs...
i unlocked the front door to my apartment and he stepped in...
as soon as the door was closed i slid my pajamas down to the floor and my cock whipped out -- totally hard and standing straight up:
>>>>>"here ya go -- >> Is this what you wanted bud?"
i stood there smiling--- kinda proud of my thiick "johnson" - standing up -- all ready to be sucked...
then..i looked down -- deep into his eyes and then bent toward him and kissed him...long and perfect...
then he fell to his knees...
more kissing...
i feel to the floor with him -- and whispered:
"yeah ---- go ahead buddy -- yeah, fuck yyeah -- i think you might like some of this...cool...ok man -- yeah -
suck it...man..."
and i pulled his head toward my crotch kinda sweaty and smelling like a man...and he parted his lips...i held the shaft with my hand and tapped it a few times on his bottom lip as he looked up at me - all scared and kinda quiet and then I winked: and whispered..."ok man here ya go..."
and then i slid my big dick into his mouth...he started moaning and going like -- ohhh..god -- ahhh god --
his mouth like watery velvet wrapping around my pole...
he was a nice irish boy/guy in his late 20s - soft, clear, green eyes, light brown hair, beautful pale skin and a strong body...an over built chest - with sexy black chest hair...
he pulled off his t-shirt ringed with sweat marks at the arm-pits and then undid his jeans looking up at me -- and then pulled out his cock (a pretty nice one also -- with kind of big head on it ---dripping with pre-cum -- a nice shaft and nice balls also) and begin pumping away on it with his fist: kinda mumbling and moaning:
"oh god..oh god..."
and began lapping his tongue at the pre-cum oozing slowly from my throbbing cock-head...
then he swallowed the entire shaft in one motion...as if there were a nectar inside that would save him or his life like there water inside my cock and he was dying of thirst...
he sucked hard on me...
i felt a strong "pull" / and / tension in my butt...
I was kinda, aching for cock...now --
aching to get fucked...
he slid his hand around to the crack of my ass...
he opened my hole with his fingers -- and still kissing me...
he turned me around quickly....
then
he pressed the tip of his cock-head against my hole - which was kinda sweaty and all ready wet and wanting dick actually, and then, i just, ah, -- kinda, bent over...and waited...and said --
"it's all yours bro....yeah man, take my hole...."
(buddy and fuck it real good...)
man o man
his cock was so nice...sliding in there...
i could feel his pre-cum kinda seeping into my hole -- draining in there as he pushed the head in further and further...like he knew what he was doing...
it's nice when a guy knows what he's doing, like that...
kissing the back of your neck and all...
giving you the cock...his cock...
wanting to shoot his load in your hole...
wanting to give you his cream...
i kinda lost concioussness after that...
thats all i rememeber -- because then --
i think -- i kinda blacked out and...
well...ah -- you know....
i mean really -- it's just kinda like a memory now and i know that he fucked me and shot a load up my ass and i think i shot one up his too....
the last thing I remember was his going to leave my door and i said: "by the way...what do you do??"
and he said...
"I'am a cop..." long pause -- he smirked and then he winked and turned and left...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
yeah...
my blue pajamas...
yeah -- i really do wear pajamas to bed...
but at some point in the middle of the night ((which is really early morning since i almost never go to sleep before 5-am...)) i take them off and throw them across the room somewhere and i never remember doing this...
the pajama bottoms:
(i prefer light blue or dark blue PJ's and my robe is also dark blue, although if they made PJ's in pink for guys -
i know i would want them...))
like I said I wake up each day - all confused as to where i'am: dazed, dehydrated and naked...
i awake each day...
never knowing whats real...
i'am...
a slave to my bodies craving's and the physical and mental addictions i've framed out here for myself...
perhaps as a response to dealing with the stress of the world at large, myself, my body and my neurotic psyche...
or all my memories:
memories of guys in my bed...
of guys hitting on me on the street at night, of porn booths and of eating ice cream. of other lifetimes, of old lovers, girlfriends...soul mates -- sex partners, or my high school wrestling coach...
of being in the hospital...
dreams and memories of my fraterntiy brothers, of being in the high school gym showers, or my cousin jake...
of my crush on a guy named, mike wright, who i will never forget...
and i will never forget fucking his butt through his black jockstrap and pushing his face into the bed and saying --
"you are so fucking beautiful ---
why are you destroying yourself?? >>>>>>>
is that what you do? is that what you like ???
to get fucked by total strangers...???>>>>
answer me you lil bitch -- (you little-fuckin-pussy--boy....bottom...
you wanna-get fucked by daddy - dont-you?
u lil bitch!
yeah take my cock -- you want my load too: Doncha?!
yeah - ya want me to shoot it up there -->>>dont-cha bro??"
fuck you -- you don't deserve it...."
he turned around as i was fucking him and began to cry and starting kissing me and crying and it was really -- well, it was -- the hottest sex i've ever had...
and then our mouths locked and i shot my load into his ass -- deep
totally going bare-back and "bredding" his ass and then just deep kissed him....
a long hard time...and held him...making him all - kinda confront what he liked and everything...
(i think he was in the closet)
mike wright...
whew...
i'll love him til the day i die...for that...
for being so fuckng hot and beautiful and giving me his hole....the way he did -- all nice and taking my cum...just right...and crying...and kissing me...and then just holding onto me for a long time...
>>>>fuck yes!!!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
laspe of time...
fuck - where was i ?>>>>>>>
ah - ok...
morning...
i sit on the edge of the bed and bring my hands to my forehead...
theres a gap in time...
then realizing the pain(s) of my life...and all the memories of this and every other lifetime...i remember now that i have to take medicine to stay alive now -- yeah - kept alive by chemicals...and it all seems like a dream....
suddenly ----
i panic and remember that: a pan of water is boiling...on the stove top...
panic...
major panic...
I realize that i must have woken up and went to boil some water for coffee...and then returned to the bed and forgot about it...or maybe went back to sleep...
i was probably watching the weather channel for a few minutes or maybe an hour or so and didn't realize where i was...
fuck.
i run into the kitchen...
I turn off the burner and see that the pan has bolied - "dry..."
>>then....
nicotien cravings...caffiene cravings...
sex cravings...despair...
another morning errection so hard it hurts...
naked...feeling alone....
I return to my bedroom looking for my pajamas since i realize that i have no clothes on ---
>>>>
i fall into a pit of despair...
but then I snap out of it..."
i think to my self - tell myself:...
"get dressed. go outside...go get some coffe and a fresh pack of cigs...and just start the day... >>
keep it simple. just do it. don't think about it...it's gonna be -- ok...i promise..."
RE: the morning cig:
Many years ago:
i first saw my f**k buddy at that time: - "mark" - spark a cig upon awakening next to me. i think i was around 27 or so...
Before that - it had never occurred to me that you could smoke a cig when you woke up..but there he was reaching for the pack of Marlboro lights...and sparking one up...
i think i remember putting out my hand toward him as if to say --- "here - let me have a drag..."
after that i always lit up a cig after i my first cup of joe...
today..
A severe weather front is rearing its (ugly) head - (according to the weather-channel weather man)
coupled with a global "green-house" warming effect...
yeah...
the entire planet has released way too many fossil fuels into the eco-sphere and this is causing the weather to change >>>
every year - the weather becomes more and more severe--->>>
i guess it's only a matter of time before there's tsunamis hitting Manhattan and ice caps in the midwest...
so....
youd better go have some fun -- right?
you better go and wrack up those credit cards and have plenty of "bare-back" sex before (all) the "shit goes down" and...it happens: right?
heres wishing you >>>>> "a great day...!"
and: by the way,>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>
"you'd better go turn off that stove top burner on that pan of water...you forgot about 20 minutes ago...!!!"
ok.
i run into the kitchen...the pan is red hot - hot, hot and dry...
and i fall into despair...
pain and truama...like i told you...
>>>"mass extinction".... of humanity, coming soon..."
I mumble to myself ---
"ok, time to start your beautiful "happy" -- day..."
>>>>>>>
it seems to have been written into my conciousness to be: eternally wounded here and depressed...like - always -wanting to commit, "suicide..."
i had my first suicide attempt at around 15 years old...
to be continued....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>"suicide" under the literal definition is an attempt at "self destruction"...
I've always wondered, if the world, is not committing "suicide" like myself, with all these chemicals... and stress and pain going in your body...
chemicals in the air, in the food, the televsion spewing out chemicals....
the news always reporting death and murder around the globe...
the psychic riot above our heads....
the six - o' clock news just drilling death right into you...
and we all race to buy a bigger house, a better car, another text message of hope, another 12 year old being raped by a catholic preist under the altar...and in the name of god...
pain...
and death and chemicals...
pain and fear, and suicide and cigarettes and the perfect cup of coffee and the plasma screen and four surround sound speakers...surrounding you and filling your mind with all the beautiful, fucked hallucinations of lifeand beautiful - beautiful boys all wanting to get your hole and you wanting to get theirs...
death, sex and death...
suicide...pain...fear...
wanting someone to love you...before it all falls apart...
pain...and all beautiful bodies drowning in god and doubt and chemicals...and love...
what a world -->> eh ?
life....
my life...my "karma" (here) this time around...i guess...
is to experience it all in a continual state of pain and doubt and depression...
"morning" always seems to underline how much i hate life here - or at the least dis-like being"in a body..." and want to commit "suicide..." to just get away from it all...
my pain and everybody else's...
>>>>>>>>>>
drinking coffee and smoking cigs...and thinking about all the boys...i've kissed and fucked...
and watching the "weather channel" and waiting for it all to blow up and apart...
or waiting for a giant five mile high wave to hit manhattan...and end everything...
just because a few white men wanted to fight over oil and gasoline and pollute the whole world because of their greed...
greed is killing us all...
yeah, - and each day we all commit suicide because we don't know how to stop it...but atleast i know where i'am going when its all over...
i'am going to the "other side..."
yeah thats right, to my house, where my soul mate lives and we live together in peace and love and shake our heads over the wonder of this strange place called: "Earth..."
>>>>>>
You See:
On the "other side" you can manifest things instantly:
time runs forever in both directions...
yep right into eternity...and goes on forever and forever...
i hope one day to finally merge into the great divine white light of nothingness and become only god once again...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
in this life...
i can not fly here...
i have not figured out how to manifest things i want -- instantly or otherwise...
i have to work (hard) to get money and to have a roof over my head...and clothes on my back - that sort of thing and the time and energy spent on feeding my body is - well, to my mind, simply overwhelming to me...
the human body needs to be fed around every four hours -- yep every four ---fucking hours...
it seems like such a waste of time and ah - money but:
>>>here I'am...
hungry - angry - thirsty...alone ...and tired...
awake with the reality of my body's cravings upon me...
needless to say --
"morning" Is always a long walk through hell for me...
and ya know what ?
i just don't see how people wake up "all happy" and ready to, like, hug everyone - and ready to start their "happy" day...
fuck them...!
i wake up angry and mad and scared at the whole world every day.
it's always been like that...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
TODAY....
Rather than re-hashing my dreams and memories of the other side -- i decide that it can wait...
i put my despair on hold...
i know where i'am going when i die and am done "here..."
so it's no big deal if i hang out in the material world for awhile and maybe drink some coffee and smoke some cigs...and ah -- maybe get a few blow jobs...and get fucked sometimes...
i guess - just for - "today" it's ok - to be here...
right?
this "place" or "reality" is not really my home...
this is not the place i'am from...
i'll be home soon enough...
i'll be back in my home -- in my big house - with my true "soul-mate" >>> who i'am convinced is not incarnated - this time around >>>right "now" but waits for me...on the other side...
today >>>
I got dressed and went the corner bodega to get a fresh pack of cigs so i could chain-smoke, and drink the instant coffee which i dig and then numb myself out and all my feelings and ah ---
hate the world uninterrupted...ah, -- all day if i care to...
then maybe -- I'll sit at my lap - top and go on-line to the "my-space" website and flirt with some "hottys"
-- and perhaps return some of the 200 or so e mails that I've gotten while sleeping and then I'll pass out, at around, like, 2pm in the afternoon from all the chemicals in the instant coffee and the nicotine and smoke swirling around my studio apartment...and
then I'll call my work and try to get my bartending
shift covered...because:
"well, I don't really feel good..."
>>> god i love my life...yeah sometimes i guess i really like it here -- ah -- yep -- i guess i have to admit that --
on some days -- it's pretty cool...just to be here...
yeah today...
i command to myself...
"ok - get dressed..yeah, get dressed and go get some coffee..."
naked as I'am - I snap out of my pain and greif and into "reality"...
((mode...))
i find the PJ bottoms on the chair where they almost always are when i wake up...and then put them back on...
>>>my body kinda floats around the space for awhile dazed and kinda mumbling and praying...and mumbling...
and then finally: i "get into my body..."
and then it: my body cries out: (i want) "coffee and cigs - now -- now...now -- mother-fucka!
now...
i want my injections -- now: uncle kirk..."
>>>>>>>
the morning cravings - the minute i open my eyes...
now....
like a parent to it's child - i hover over my body and then gently - get into it: -- reassuring it and telling it --
"its ok...it's ok to be here..."
were - here...here I'am - yeah, were here...ah --
yeah -- right now -- i'am here...here in this minute...yes...
here...
i'am....
>>>>>>>>>>>leaving your body...
>>>>>>
i leave my body some really inconvienient times -- not just at night when my body needs rest -- sometimes i even leave my body when i'am walking around outside: like walking around times square...which is not a good thing to do --- trust me...
so help me god, it is not a good thing to do...-
and when that happens -- i know that i simply, truly have forgotten that i have a body...
and this is bad...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
yeah -- while i was sleeping: dreaming - flying...was gone...
and then here again...i realized suddenly that my body was walking around without me - in the kitchen - cold and without clothes...
"good morning...time to start your happy day..."
this is why i always wake up truamatized...
my psyche reconnecting to my history here and my life here - and i remember it all at once...
during the full "remembering" of my life...
i get about two minutes that seem like there is no pain or fear around me or in me but then of course, there it all is...again -- as lying in wait...for me --
it comes over me...
like a strange black hellish cloud of doubt and ah -- terror...pain and terror and remembering...
oh yeah...right----
...In this life-time..."
I'am:
a writer - poet - photographer - poet - cable tv mystic - addict - bartender...worker-bee - tattoed-fight club stud for hire -- porn star wannabe -- sex addict - shaman -- kinda guru - father -- child - man -- boy >>>mystic - devil - angel/addict --- smooth and kind of fumbling -- sort of handsome and sacred -- and sort of -- kind of.....here but not really here...kind of spaced out --
not there...ah -- kind of -- guy...
every morning i have to remember all over again who and what i'am in this "lifetime.." and then i long for the other-side and my "true" home......but today by the time i got fully "present" and back into my body - I realized that i'am not in my apartment...or in my bed, where i always wake up...
i happen to be -- at the corner bodega: (hence missing time) and -- i guess around fifteen minutes of it...
I'am -- half a sleep -- and kind of awake...outside my apartment...standing there...in the corner bodega -- asking for coffee...holy shit!!!
my body woke up without me, if you can follow all that and what i'am trying to explain to you...
standing there in the bodega...
it became obvious to me that i wasn't fully back "here" before...my body just decided to - ah -- leave my apartment...
wondering around...the streets of manhattan --- ah...
well...without me...
yep/// there i was...
the "masterpiece of angels," as my ex lover used to call me -- wondering around outside my apartment like a souless zombie -- in my pajamas, in the corner boedga and for a minute i totally panicked because i thought that maybe i was naked -- in public....and forgot to put on my clothes...
because i was in another reality -- in another lifetime or locked into a long forgotten memory...of long ago...something like a dream --
a dream of my cousin...jake...
and didn't really know where i was or,
if i was in the dream or a memory -- or >>>
if it was really happening all over again and i was 17 years old again and would have to live my whole life over up until now....
fuck -- it was absolute panic not knowing if you were dreaming of being in public naked or that you were ACTUALLY -- really -- in public naked....
are you following me ??
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
so - i realize that i'am in the bodega...getting coffee...and i panic -- because theres a gap in time -- and i can not truly remeber waking up and getting dressed -- and going outside -- and then i totally, total fucking -- panic...
i look down just to make sure --
fuck!
did i really leave the house without puttng my clothes on?
perhaps i'am still dreaming ?
last night i dreamt of my cousin jake...
and while -- coming to - in the bodega, and checking to see if i had any clothes on -- i'am still kind of in the dream from when i was sleeping...
the bodega: "Bodega" is a nyc term for a small store...
and most residents of manhattan have one bodega that they use all the time -
at "my" bodega it's always the same guy at the counter around 11-30 pm when i usually get there...clothed or not...
and he's always real nice and maybe sort of flirty ? with me..and always says:
"how ya doing today?" like he knows all about me and loves me anyway ah -- sort of...
he always asks - how i'am...and then kinda smiles and checks out my "package" covertly and then throws my regular brand of cigs on the counter...and then smiles again...
and asks me if i want a cup of coffee...
he seems like my own personal angel to quell the despair of waking up...
naturally I have grown accustomed to seeing him each morning...his bright, boyish eyes -- and ever present smile as if hes saying :
"i want to please you...and help you through the trauma of waking up...it's ok..." and oh - (by the way...)
"hey that sure is a nice-sexy package ya got there bro..."
I'am standing there...
in the bodega kinda panicking and checking to see if i put my pajamas on my lower half or even if i was wearing clothes before i left the house and also kind of lost in the bodega guy's smile and soft boyish eyes...and sexy chest hair that seems to call me from his white, "counter-guy" shirt that he always wears...
and then i kinda start to remember the dream that i was having only a few moments ago when i was in bed kinda hard and aroused and forgetting that i had a body and dreamed of this life and this lifetime...
>>>then i start to wonder if indeed,
that i'am not still dreaming and at -- actually
home in bed >>>
perhaps dreaming that i went to the store naked...and i don't know --
i really don't know for a second if i'am awake or not...
naked or not...
in bed or not or in the actual store and like i said having a dream that i'am in the store...
in any event ->>>>
i look down and see that - thank god -- i do have some clothes on, yes- i'am in my pajamas -- at the store -- and then suddenly i'am releived and kind of over-whelmed by everything and i simply blurt out:
"ur coffee sucks!!....i hate to say it...
but starbukks is Better...Man...!!!"
long pause...
for a brief second the entire store turns around and looks my way-->>> then most of them see that i'am in a pair of blue, ralph lauren -- "polo" pajamas...that "eric" bought for me when i was bed-ridden for six months after being in the hospital...
long silence...
long pause...
i kinda throw my hands in the air - as if to say or explain...
"ah i'am having a weird day...ah minute here..."
but to the on lookers now staring at me that seems obvious...and then everyone goes back to buying things and reading the papers...
"ah, ok ---your blowing it...bro..." i mumble to myself...
while picking up the pack of smokes from the counter...
"yeah your coffee fucking sucks -- man..."
and then I have...a "total recall" of last nights sleep - time - dreamtime...
I'am dazed for a minute and realize that i have to get back to my apartment immediately...
because the dream is flashing off in my mind's eye...
i'am having a flash back so to speak...
atleast - i think i'am...
and it is flashing in my mind's eye...before me...annoucing itself as I pay for my cigs and ask for a free cup of coffee...because i've paid for so many "bad" cups of coffee -
the counter guy puts a cup of coffee on the counter and says...
"ok -- it's ok. here ya go: today your coffee is free..."
he tries to steady me with his eyes - and quell my panic and it works...
ok.
it's gonna be ok...
i return home and sit in my kitchen lighting the first of many cigarettes of the day...
i feel safe again and happy that i did not, in fact, go outside naked or was not dreaming of being naked - outside....and that it was just another "normal" day in my strange life and that i was -- "ok..."
i scan the clock hanging on the wall...
it's actually 12:35 in the afternoon...
the clock in the kitchen:
just one of the 70 - 80 time pieces i have around my apartment:...
I have watches, clocks and time pieces everywhere in my smallish studio apartment...
a new visitor to my apartement always comments on this aspect of who i'am and why i have so many timepieces...
TIMEPIECES:
I guess it's like a fetish of mine -- i want to be able to look anywhere in my apaprtment and see a clock or watch ticking away -- why >? you might rightfully ask ?
well, lets just say the better part of my childhood seemed so unbearable >>
two near-death experiences beofre i was 13 among other things...
that i grew to love and hate the master of "time" here...
in order to survive -- and not fully - truly self destruct --
i decided that nothing could last forever...
a sort of internal mantra of:
"whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger..."
before i encountered the writings of albert camus...who said the original quote...
the ticking clocks and watches all remind me that:
at some point or time in the future:
"this too shall pass..."
and that i'll get to go "home" someday...to my beloved on the "other-side..."
i guess the ticking time pieces prove that "time" here is precious...that life here is not to be endured or mastered but simply experienced and then...forgotten or not...
there is no "time" as we know it here - on the other side...
it is indeed - an invention of man --
walking back to my apartment - in the street i wonder if maybe..."irish boy" might be around to give me a morning release...(after all, life is but a dream...and it could happen twice...right?)
but he does not appear...
then the dream from last night comes to me again...
last night -- i dreamt of jake, my cousin...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
i have had a few dreams that I'll never forget.
>>years ago I had a dream that i was teaching people to levitate cars... >>> four of them, rising into the air at the command of my raised open palms...i'll never forget that dream...because it semmed so real...
In alot of my dreams - most of my dreams -
I'am powerful...and all knowing, like some awesome - (queer) - super hero -- ready to save the world...
but
then in my "waking life" i'am a bumbling -- absent-minded, kind of "spaced out" -- "not there" : dark - depressed sort of -- >>>george-clooney/woddy allen...hybrid...
kind of like the hot gay porn star and the high shcool nerd blended and shaken...
most of the time i remember my dreams.
i dream alot of flying like "Neo" in the "Matrix" movies.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
end of part one ------------------->>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
part one
blue pajamas>>>>>>>>>>>
a long dream...of being awake...
an average morning at sean's house...
my strange beautiful life "here..."
at times...I wonder if i'am not dreaming my entire life...
my entire "waking" life...here
time seems to blur...race or slow down...
kind of...like: dreaming - then sleeping -
awake and then dreaming...
wondering...
day dreaming...
sleeping: awake and then not awake...
in a dream of remembering being awake...
remembering heaven...
wanting to be alive and then knowing...
dreaming and being naked...
being born and dying...
dying and going home...
being at "home" and then wanting to be alive...
re-incarnating -
and then dreaming...again...
a long, vibrant, confusing, "vanilla sky" of reality....
meditating - wondering - sobbing...flying...making love, eating chocolate...
awake.
flying...
going home and then flying...
and then dying...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
flying...
every morning i wake up feeling kind of angry...and sad and "hung over..."
i don't drink alcohol...
every time i wake up - i feel traumatized...
i usually find myself out of bed and not remembering how i got there...
naked and pacing about the kitchen...
looking for my pajamas...
pacing about -- looking for a pan to boil some water in for an instant coffee...
wondering if i'am still dreaming...
i'am rarely "in my body"...
my close friends are always telling me -- ah...
"kirk -- you've got to get back into your body..."
i'am getting used to it though -- "having a body"
even thou on some days i really hate the constriction of it and of being bound to the laws of this
"material reality..."
in another time and place i know humans can (actually) fly but no ones dared to do it yet...
we haven't reached a level of conciousness to have a body that can fly: a "person" that can do that - is called an "ascended master..." and they do exist...
kinda like "Neo..." in the "Matrix..."
i think it is interesting to note here that everyone has dreams of flying and also, of being naked in public...
i have a contentious relationship with my body...
and it's always been that way...
it's amazing to me that a person can survive:
having a finger cut off at age four -
being hospitalized for pnuemonia at age ten...(and being strapped to the hospital bed because i pulled the IV needle out of my arm when the nurses would leave the room...)
having their head split open...and nearly "flat-lining" at the age of tweleve...
survivng three near-fatal car accidents...
being pulled off a burning bed in college - (i had been drinking and surrounded my bed with lit candles...before passing out...the bed caught on fire...and i was pulled off of it just before i caught on fire myself...)
having a dis-ease that, to this day, does not have a name - (it vanished after the doctor shot me up with a lethal dose of penicillian, as a last resort, not really knowing what else to do...the symptoms were a grisly assortment of ailments, among other things, that included vomitting black water?)
being bed ridden for three years for sciatica back pain...
a life long death wish that has manifested itself as:
a cocaine addiction - age 16...
five years of drunk driving - (driving on the side walk two different times in an alcoholic "black-out" and one of those times wrapping my pontiac trans-am around a palm tree...)age 21
being arrested on numerous occasions - ages 19-22
detoxing from my alcoholism and drug addiction- age 24
driving over 100 miles an hour through the state of texas for three hours without stopping...age 25
a ten day stay at an asylum after threatning suicide to psycho therpaists and consuelors at a "co-dependancy rehab" in pensylvania...age 27
taking an exacto knife to my face in an act of self-hatred...age 28
survivng the eastern "medical"diagnosis of what is called: "a broken heart" three times...ages 26, 32 and 40...
herbal supplement - dhea, reishi mushroom and testoserone over dosing...age 42
being electrocuted in a bathtub - age 43...
dragging total strangers that i met on - line into my apartment to fuck me, at five in the morning...ages 40-45
being hospitalized for near liver - gallbladder and kidney failure, among other (stress related dis-orders) - age 45...
a vicadin addiction: age 46...
theres more...
(not to mention>>>>>):
and, of course, general "insanity" and panic in a general sense and last but not least...
living in nyc for over 20 years...
>>>>>>>>>
my body....
my body and i have survived all the above...yeah.
together...
me...and my body...
sounds incredible, right ?
actually...
i'am kinda of impressed by my body's ability to hyper-mend itself...and just keep bouncing back from wahtever comes along...and whatever i've thrown at it...
either that or it's a true testament to spiritual and medical miracles...or the team of angels that (seem to) hover above me -- night and day...
today...
I woke up wondering yet again how I got "here..."
I woke up in despair and depressed...
in a sense I woke up hating everything...with a sense of dread...
it's mid afternoon...time to start the day
begin the next "episode" of my life "here."
my life here seems to go like this :
i remember...being awake: then not being awake...
then dreaming...
dreaming...
row, row, row, your boat...gently down the stream...
did you ever have a dream - and inside the dream, you "dream" that you wake up...
but then, actually, later...
you realize that - in fact - the dream was a dream of you awaking even though you were still a sleep?
>>>those dreams always seem more "real" than my "regular" dreams...
a brief over view of "Quantum Mechanics" dictates that "linear" time can not be "proven..."
that "Time" ocurs:
the past - present and future...(all) occurs, at the same "time..." with an : infinite number of possible "Outcomes..."
a kind of "kaliedescope of realties...always different and always morphing...
>>>>>>>>>>
I have been meditating for over ten years.
my reality is beggining to "accelerate..."
my life is taking on a hyper-surreal aspect...
kinda like flying...
everything is now, going fast-->>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I prefer instant coffee actually, to fresh brewed, which reminds me of the time when i lived in london.
you couldn't get fresh coffee in london back then - for love or money -- (sorry for the cliche')
but they drink tea over there - but now i've heard that they have starbukks -
they only had instant coffee in london when i was there in 96 -- so i drank "nescafe" instant...
i got used to it --- and now i dig it.
I always wake up wanting to chain smoke and drink coffee...
today: i woke up with all the lights on, the plasma screen tv flashing images into my bedroom...
blurry and random...
a blue haze seems to coat the darkened room where i sleep...my bedroom has "black-out" shades so light can enter...in fact, I'am the only light, there, in the space...
the most commom color from the tv screen is blue...
when i awoke today the tv was switched on to:
"The weather channel..."
the day's forecast was: "73 degrees in new york city..."
late October...73 degrees in mid fall...
another day of: "Apocalypse now" weather...
the ambiens i took last night kicked in hard and fast...
one minute i was watching re-runs of "the X-files..." kinda getting a half "woody" over moulder pushing around some "suspect" and then the next thing i knew i was wandering around the kitchen thirsty, half naked,
and dazed....
i always wake up feeling "strange.." and the feeling always surprises me...
as if some day i'll wake up feeling different: and i know in my heart: i never will...
I (still) feel like an "alien" here...(in this reality)
i wake up every morning, which is really afternoon, and i think...
"I'am still "tied" to this body and this lifetime..."
as if i could somehow awake in another body or maybe just in "heaven" or another reality all together perhaps dreaming of this lifetime but not returning to it...
or even on a large silver table:
and
as i open my eyes...
an attendant would remark:
"kirk -- wake up -- you were dreaming --- ok?
it was all a dream - a dream sequence that you paid for and we "implanted" that sequence at your request...
it's time to wake up --
it's time to go home..
please pay the cashier on the way out..."
i know this will happen at the end of my "life, "here..."
atleast i think it will...
i don't know what i'am doing here...
i wake up and I feel "strange..."
like a stranger..to myself and to the world...
>>>>> i kinda hate my body for making me come - "back here.."
the contentious relationship i have with my body is underlined every morning...
i kinda resent having to feed and clothe my body and my body kinda resents me for leaving all the time..
at night my body needs rest so it "goes to sleep" but i can fly around and have "fun"...on the "astral planes..."
if my body awakes in the middle of sleeping i get "called back" from the astral palnes immediatley...
did u ever wake up to sit on the edge of the bed, and then suddenly get a shiver and a kind of...strange jolt...?
and then your fully aware? and awake ?
thats "you" returning to your body...
that JOLT - is your spirit - getting back into your physical form here...
it's something like that -- and i don't think it can be explained in words in a "linear" type of definition -
but i think you get the idea...
i have something called; "missing time..."
and i have it alot.
"missing time" basically means that: you truly, really, don't know where you've been or what you've done...- while there...for minutes or hours...
this concept is also true of "alien abductees..." but i don't really think the aliens could ever find me because I'am never where i'am supposed to be - when i'am supposed to be there...(if my friends can't find me then how will the aliens...?)
sometimes...if it's warm outside i just wear my pajamas right out onto the street:
and since it is hellz kitchen - and since i truly do believe that life is a dream and it's my dream -- then me wearing pjs in the street won't seem to matter and nobody will ever care about something like that in my dream...
although>>>>>
One time, a guy followed me home seeing my half-hard "morning boner" kinda bouncing around in my pj's while walking back to my apartment from getting a coffee...
i guess i had an errection when i woke up, as most guys do, but I didn't realize it until i saw this irish guy checking out my hot, half-hard package as I walked down the street and back to my apartment...
he then followed me up the street to the front door of my building kinda not saying anything but it was obvious what he wanted...
then followed me upstairs and sucked me off...
and ah fucked me...
and i fucked him...but we didn't kiss...
i just kinda, unlocked the front door seeing him all shy, like -- just standing there next to me all of a sudden...
>>>hanging his head all low and then looking up at me: kinda sad and scared and wanting something...
(my) keys in hand unlocking the front door -- and him all, staring down hard at my "basket..." and nodding -- like: "lemme come up?"
I turned toward him...and then - I looked down --
my hand burning from the hot coffee cup...
I saw that indeed, without realizing it --- my thick 8 incher was thinly outlined by the light - sheer, blue, oxford cloth pajama bottoms i was wearing: without any boxers underneath I might add...
yeah, i looked down -- >>> and saw my half hard morning "johnson" sticking out "kinda hung" through the material and then I just jutted out my chin toward him...and met his eyes...
i dunno - maybe I mumbled: or winked and said:
"ok -- lets go..."
maybe he kind of grabbed it on the street - (my cock,) and smiled at me - wink wink...
"you live around here??"
maybe i saw him first and then tilted my head toawrd the building - like: "follow me, bro..."
I dunno...
I just remember that I held open the front door...
like i said i was in a fog,: I hadn't had my morning coffee yet...
I had a jack-hammer of a head ache left over from popping a levitra (a medically prescribed "errection" pill) from the night before --
((Levitra is: a tiny red pill that gives you a raging hard on all day long or ah - all night long: depending on when you take it...it's basically an errection in pill form -- and yeah, it works, man...yep it sure does...
you take this little red pill...then you wait...
and then for the next three days -- your pushing around a half hard phallus - even when you don't want to anymore...
you've got this heavy bulge in your jeans at the least and then sometimes you just break into a full (hot/aching) boner without warning...
(this happened to me once at the blockbuster dvd rental store late at night and was quite embarassing but there were a few guys who - i think, kinda dug seeing it...)
i like guys checking out my cock - and if the truth be told - more than one dude has asked if they could worship my cock and even pray in front of it...
anyway...
there I was sporting a nice thiick woody for the world to see or pray in front of...and i really wasn't paying attention...
and then at my front door step, suddenly "Irish bro" appears kinda licking his chops over my cock...
thats when i realized that my cock was bouncing around -- jutting out in front of me -- on the street --- and then when this guy appeared i started to get hard as a diamond, ah wedding ring...
I mean, really man...
I was just about to pop a full - complete, total raging - hard on: right there on the street...
>>> yeah bro...like a fresh, hot>>> hot, hot, aching,
really ringing - hard >>> "lemme shoot it down ur throat hip hop -- hot- ringin -- aching --- boner...
popping into full mast through my pj's...
right there on 44th and tenth, in hellz kitchen...midtown manhattan...nyc...
Standing there - it was obvious that: the bro, ah
well...like i said --->> he wanted to suck it...
"you wanna come in?..." I mumbled...
trying to breath and hide my 8 incher...and keep it pointed toward the front door so the passersby couldn't see it...
"ya wanna suckit..? bro..."
i said: more like an accusation than a question...
he looked down and nodded his head quickly like a 12 year old asking for a second cookie...
i took my hand to his cheek and lifted his chin toward mine...
"is that what you want ? man >>>?
"you wanna wrap your nice, hot, sexy-perfect lips around my cock?? and suck it? suck the juice out of it?? ---man? answer me !"
he looked down...
kinda full of shame and remained silent...
and kicked one foot into the other and then he looked up and said...
"ah - yes..."
"yes what??" i asked him...
and he said...
"yes i want to suck it..."
our eyes met...and i could feel that i liked him and maybe wanted to kiss him and then i said:
"ah, ok, then lets go..."
I unlocked the front door and he followed me...upstairs...
i unlocked the front door to my apartment and he stepped in...
as soon as the door was closed i slid my pajamas down to the floor and my cock whipped out -- totally hard and standing straight up:
>>>>>"here ya go -- >> Is this what you wanted bud?"
i stood there smiling--- kinda proud of my thiick "johnson" - standing up -- all ready to be sucked...
then..i looked down -- deep into his eyes and then bent toward him and kissed him...long and perfect...
then he fell to his knees...
more kissing...
i feel to the floor with him -- and whispered:
"yeah ---- go ahead buddy -- yeah, fuck yyeah -- i think you might like some of this...cool...ok man -- yeah -
suck it...man..."
and i pulled his head toward my crotch kinda sweaty and smelling like a man...and he parted his lips...i held the shaft with my hand and tapped it a few times on his bottom lip as he looked up at me - all scared and kinda quiet and then I winked: and whispered..."ok man here ya go..."
and then i slid my big dick into his mouth...he started moaning and going like -- ohhh..god -- ahhh god --
his mouth like watery velvet wrapping around my pole...
he was a nice irish boy/guy in his late 20s - soft, clear, green eyes, light brown hair, beautful pale skin and a strong body...an over built chest - with sexy black chest hair...
he pulled off his t-shirt ringed with sweat marks at the arm-pits and then undid his jeans looking up at me -- and then pulled out his cock (a pretty nice one also -- with kind of big head on it ---dripping with pre-cum -- a nice shaft and nice balls also) and begin pumping away on it with his fist: kinda mumbling and moaning:
"oh god..oh god..."
and began lapping his tongue at the pre-cum oozing slowly from my throbbing cock-head...
then he swallowed the entire shaft in one motion...as if there were a nectar inside that would save him or his life like there water inside my cock and he was dying of thirst...
he sucked hard on me...
i felt a strong "pull" / and / tension in my butt...
I was kinda, aching for cock...now --
aching to get fucked...
he slid his hand around to the crack of my ass...
he opened my hole with his fingers -- and still kissing me...
he turned me around quickly....
then
he pressed the tip of his cock-head against my hole - which was kinda sweaty and all ready wet and wanting dick actually, and then, i just, ah, -- kinda, bent over...and waited...and said --
"it's all yours bro....yeah man, take my hole...."
(buddy and fuck it real good...)
man o man
his cock was so nice...sliding in there...
i could feel his pre-cum kinda seeping into my hole -- draining in there as he pushed the head in further and further...like he knew what he was doing...
it's nice when a guy knows what he's doing, like that...
kissing the back of your neck and all...
giving you the cock...his cock...
wanting to shoot his load in your hole...
wanting to give you his cream...
i kinda lost concioussness after that...
thats all i rememeber -- because then --
i think -- i kinda blacked out and...
well...ah -- you know....
i mean really -- it's just kinda like a memory now and i know that he fucked me and shot a load up my ass and i think i shot one up his too....
the last thing I remember was his going to leave my door and i said: "by the way...what do you do??"
and he said...
"I'am a cop..." long pause -- he smirked and then he winked and turned and left...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
yeah...
my blue pajamas...
yeah -- i really do wear pajamas to bed...
but at some point in the middle of the night ((which is really early morning since i almost never go to sleep before 5-am...)) i take them off and throw them across the room somewhere and i never remember doing this...
the pajama bottoms:
(i prefer light blue or dark blue PJ's and my robe is also dark blue, although if they made PJ's in pink for guys -
i know i would want them...))
like I said I wake up each day - all confused as to where i'am: dazed, dehydrated and naked...
i awake each day...
never knowing whats real...
i'am...
a slave to my bodies craving's and the physical and mental addictions i've framed out here for myself...
perhaps as a response to dealing with the stress of the world at large, myself, my body and my neurotic psyche...
or all my memories:
memories of guys in my bed...
of guys hitting on me on the street at night, of porn booths and of eating ice cream. of other lifetimes, of old lovers, girlfriends...soul mates -- sex partners, or my high school wrestling coach...
of being in the hospital...
dreams and memories of my fraterntiy brothers, of being in the high school gym showers, or my cousin jake...
of my crush on a guy named, mike wright, who i will never forget...
and i will never forget fucking his butt through his black jockstrap and pushing his face into the bed and saying --
"you are so fucking beautiful ---
why are you destroying yourself?? >>>>>>>
is that what you do? is that what you like ???
to get fucked by total strangers...???>>>>
answer me you lil bitch -- (you little-fuckin-pussy--boy....bottom...
you wanna-get fucked by daddy - dont-you?
u lil bitch!
yeah take my cock -- you want my load too: Doncha?!
yeah - ya want me to shoot it up there -->>>dont-cha bro??"
fuck you -- you don't deserve it...."
he turned around as i was fucking him and began to cry and starting kissing me and crying and it was really -- well, it was -- the hottest sex i've ever had...
and then our mouths locked and i shot my load into his ass -- deep
totally going bare-back and "bredding" his ass and then just deep kissed him....
a long hard time...and held him...making him all - kinda confront what he liked and everything...
(i think he was in the closet)
mike wright...
whew...
i'll love him til the day i die...for that...
for being so fuckng hot and beautiful and giving me his hole....the way he did -- all nice and taking my cum...just right...and crying...and kissing me...and then just holding onto me for a long time...
>>>>fuck yes!!!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
laspe of time...
fuck - where was i ?>>>>>>>
ah - ok...
morning...
i sit on the edge of the bed and bring my hands to my forehead...
theres a gap in time...
then realizing the pain(s) of my life...and all the memories of this and every other lifetime...i remember now that i have to take medicine to stay alive now -- yeah - kept alive by chemicals...and it all seems like a dream....
suddenly ----
i panic and remember that: a pan of water is boiling...on the stove top...
panic...
major panic...
I realize that i must have woken up and went to boil some water for coffee...and then returned to the bed and forgot about it...or maybe went back to sleep...
i was probably watching the weather channel for a few minutes or maybe an hour or so and didn't realize where i was...
fuck.
i run into the kitchen...
I turn off the burner and see that the pan has bolied - "dry..."
>>then....
nicotien cravings...caffiene cravings...
sex cravings...despair...
another morning errection so hard it hurts...
naked...feeling alone....
I return to my bedroom looking for my pajamas since i realize that i have no clothes on ---
>>>>
i fall into a pit of despair...
but then I snap out of it..."
i think to my self - tell myself:...
"get dressed. go outside...go get some coffe and a fresh pack of cigs...and just start the day... >>
keep it simple. just do it. don't think about it...it's gonna be -- ok...i promise..."
RE: the morning cig:
Many years ago:
i first saw my f**k buddy at that time: - "mark" - spark a cig upon awakening next to me. i think i was around 27 or so...
Before that - it had never occurred to me that you could smoke a cig when you woke up..but there he was reaching for the pack of Marlboro lights...and sparking one up...
i think i remember putting out my hand toward him as if to say --- "here - let me have a drag..."
after that i always lit up a cig after i my first cup of joe...
today..
A severe weather front is rearing its (ugly) head - (according to the weather-channel weather man)
coupled with a global "green-house" warming effect...
yeah...
the entire planet has released way too many fossil fuels into the eco-sphere and this is causing the weather to change >>>
every year - the weather becomes more and more severe--->>>
i guess it's only a matter of time before there's tsunamis hitting Manhattan and ice caps in the midwest...
so....
youd better go have some fun -- right?
you better go and wrack up those credit cards and have plenty of "bare-back" sex before (all) the "shit goes down" and...it happens: right?
heres wishing you >>>>> "a great day...!"
and: by the way,>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>
"you'd better go turn off that stove top burner on that pan of water...you forgot about 20 minutes ago...!!!"
ok.
i run into the kitchen...the pan is red hot - hot, hot and dry...
and i fall into despair...
pain and truama...like i told you...
>>>"mass extinction".... of humanity, coming soon..."
I mumble to myself ---
"ok, time to start your beautiful "happy" -- day..."
>>>>>>>
it seems to have been written into my conciousness to be: eternally wounded here and depressed...like - always -wanting to commit, "suicide..."
i had my first suicide attempt at around 15 years old...
to be continued....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>"suicide" under the literal definition is an attempt at "self destruction"...
I've always wondered, if the world, is not committing "suicide" like myself, with all these chemicals... and stress and pain going in your body...
chemicals in the air, in the food, the televsion spewing out chemicals....
the news always reporting death and murder around the globe...
the psychic riot above our heads....
the six - o' clock news just drilling death right into you...
and we all race to buy a bigger house, a better car, another text message of hope, another 12 year old being raped by a catholic preist under the altar...and in the name of god...
pain...
and death and chemicals...
pain and fear, and suicide and cigarettes and the perfect cup of coffee and the plasma screen and four surround sound speakers...surrounding you and filling your mind with all the beautiful, fucked hallucinations of lifeand beautiful - beautiful boys all wanting to get your hole and you wanting to get theirs...
death, sex and death...
suicide...pain...fear...
wanting someone to love you...before it all falls apart...
pain...and all beautiful bodies drowning in god and doubt and chemicals...and love...
what a world -->> eh ?
life....
my life...my "karma" (here) this time around...i guess...
is to experience it all in a continual state of pain and doubt and depression...
"morning" always seems to underline how much i hate life here - or at the least dis-like being"in a body..." and want to commit "suicide..." to just get away from it all...
my pain and everybody else's...
>>>>>>>>>>
drinking coffee and smoking cigs...and thinking about all the boys...i've kissed and fucked...
and watching the "weather channel" and waiting for it all to blow up and apart...
or waiting for a giant five mile high wave to hit manhattan...and end everything...
just because a few white men wanted to fight over oil and gasoline and pollute the whole world because of their greed...
greed is killing us all...
yeah, - and each day we all commit suicide because we don't know how to stop it...but atleast i know where i'am going when its all over...
i'am going to the "other side..."
yeah thats right, to my house, where my soul mate lives and we live together in peace and love and shake our heads over the wonder of this strange place called: "Earth..."
>>>>>>
You See:
On the "other side" you can manifest things instantly:
time runs forever in both directions...
yep right into eternity...and goes on forever and forever...
i hope one day to finally merge into the great divine white light of nothingness and become only god once again...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
in this life...
i can not fly here...
i have not figured out how to manifest things i want -- instantly or otherwise...
i have to work (hard) to get money and to have a roof over my head...and clothes on my back - that sort of thing and the time and energy spent on feeding my body is - well, to my mind, simply overwhelming to me...
the human body needs to be fed around every four hours -- yep every four ---fucking hours...
it seems like such a waste of time and ah - money but:
>>>here I'am...
hungry - angry - thirsty...alone ...and tired...
awake with the reality of my body's cravings upon me...
needless to say --
"morning" Is always a long walk through hell for me...
and ya know what ?
i just don't see how people wake up "all happy" and ready to, like, hug everyone - and ready to start their "happy" day...
fuck them...!
i wake up angry and mad and scared at the whole world every day.
it's always been like that...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
TODAY....
Rather than re-hashing my dreams and memories of the other side -- i decide that it can wait...
i put my despair on hold...
i know where i'am going when i die and am done "here..."
so it's no big deal if i hang out in the material world for awhile and maybe drink some coffee and smoke some cigs...and ah -- maybe get a few blow jobs...and get fucked sometimes...
i guess - just for - "today" it's ok - to be here...
right?
this "place" or "reality" is not really my home...
this is not the place i'am from...
i'll be home soon enough...
i'll be back in my home -- in my big house - with my true "soul-mate" >>> who i'am convinced is not incarnated - this time around >>>right "now" but waits for me...on the other side...
today >>>
I got dressed and went the corner bodega to get a fresh pack of cigs so i could chain-smoke, and drink the instant coffee which i dig and then numb myself out and all my feelings and ah ---
hate the world uninterrupted...ah, -- all day if i care to...
then maybe -- I'll sit at my lap - top and go on-line to the "my-space" website and flirt with some "hottys"
-- and perhaps return some of the 200 or so e mails that I've gotten while sleeping and then I'll pass out, at around, like, 2pm in the afternoon from all the chemicals in the instant coffee and the nicotine and smoke swirling around my studio apartment...and
then I'll call my work and try to get my bartending
shift covered...because:
"well, I don't really feel good..."
>>> god i love my life...yeah sometimes i guess i really like it here -- ah -- yep -- i guess i have to admit that --
on some days -- it's pretty cool...just to be here...
yeah today...
i command to myself...
"ok - get dressed..yeah, get dressed and go get some coffee..."
naked as I'am - I snap out of my pain and greif and into "reality"...
((mode...))
i find the PJ bottoms on the chair where they almost always are when i wake up...and then put them back on...
>>>my body kinda floats around the space for awhile dazed and kinda mumbling and praying...and mumbling...
and then finally: i "get into my body..."
and then it: my body cries out: (i want) "coffee and cigs - now -- now...now -- mother-fucka!
now...
i want my injections -- now: uncle kirk..."
>>>>>>>
the morning cravings - the minute i open my eyes...
now....
like a parent to it's child - i hover over my body and then gently - get into it: -- reassuring it and telling it --
"its ok...it's ok to be here..."
were - here...here I'am - yeah, were here...ah --
yeah -- right now -- i'am here...here in this minute...yes...
here...
i'am....
>>>>>>>>>>>leaving your body...
>>>>>>
i leave my body some really inconvienient times -- not just at night when my body needs rest -- sometimes i even leave my body when i'am walking around outside: like walking around times square...which is not a good thing to do --- trust me...
so help me god, it is not a good thing to do...-
and when that happens -- i know that i simply, truly have forgotten that i have a body...
and this is bad...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
yeah -- while i was sleeping: dreaming - flying...was gone...
and then here again...i realized suddenly that my body was walking around without me - in the kitchen - cold and without clothes...
"good morning...time to start your happy day..."
this is why i always wake up truamatized...
my psyche reconnecting to my history here and my life here - and i remember it all at once...
during the full "remembering" of my life...
i get about two minutes that seem like there is no pain or fear around me or in me but then of course, there it all is...again -- as lying in wait...for me --
it comes over me...
like a strange black hellish cloud of doubt and ah -- terror...pain and terror and remembering...
oh yeah...right----
...In this life-time..."
I'am:
a writer - poet - photographer - poet - cable tv mystic - addict - bartender...worker-bee - tattoed-fight club stud for hire -- porn star wannabe -- sex addict - shaman -- kinda guru - father -- child - man -- boy >>>mystic - devil - angel/addict --- smooth and kind of fumbling -- sort of handsome and sacred -- and sort of -- kind of.....here but not really here...kind of spaced out --
not there...ah -- kind of -- guy...
every morning i have to remember all over again who and what i'am in this "lifetime.." and then i long for the other-side and my "true" home......but today by the time i got fully "present" and back into my body - I realized that i'am not in my apartment...or in my bed, where i always wake up...
i happen to be -- at the corner bodega: (hence missing time) and -- i guess around fifteen minutes of it...
I'am -- half a sleep -- and kind of awake...outside my apartment...standing there...in the corner bodega -- asking for coffee...holy shit!!!
my body woke up without me, if you can follow all that and what i'am trying to explain to you...
standing there in the bodega...
it became obvious to me that i wasn't fully back "here" before...my body just decided to - ah -- leave my apartment...
wondering around...the streets of manhattan --- ah...
well...without me...
yep/// there i was...
the "masterpiece of angels," as my ex lover used to call me -- wondering around outside my apartment like a souless zombie -- in my pajamas, in the corner boedga and for a minute i totally panicked because i thought that maybe i was naked -- in public....and forgot to put on my clothes...
because i was in another reality -- in another lifetime or locked into a long forgotten memory...of long ago...something like a dream --
a dream of my cousin...jake...
and didn't really know where i was or,
if i was in the dream or a memory -- or >>>
if it was really happening all over again and i was 17 years old again and would have to live my whole life over up until now....
fuck -- it was absolute panic not knowing if you were dreaming of being in public naked or that you were ACTUALLY -- really -- in public naked....
are you following me ??
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
so - i realize that i'am in the bodega...getting coffee...and i panic -- because theres a gap in time -- and i can not truly remeber waking up and getting dressed -- and going outside -- and then i totally, total fucking -- panic...
i look down just to make sure --
fuck!
did i really leave the house without puttng my clothes on?
perhaps i'am still dreaming ?
last night i dreamt of my cousin jake...
and while -- coming to - in the bodega, and checking to see if i had any clothes on -- i'am still kind of in the dream from when i was sleeping...
the bodega: "Bodega" is a nyc term for a small store...
and most residents of manhattan have one bodega that they use all the time -
at "my" bodega it's always the same guy at the counter around 11-30 pm when i usually get there...clothed or not...
and he's always real nice and maybe sort of flirty ? with me..and always says:
"how ya doing today?" like he knows all about me and loves me anyway ah -- sort of...
he always asks - how i'am...and then kinda smiles and checks out my "package" covertly and then throws my regular brand of cigs on the counter...and then smiles again...
and asks me if i want a cup of coffee...
he seems like my own personal angel to quell the despair of waking up...
naturally I have grown accustomed to seeing him each morning...his bright, boyish eyes -- and ever present smile as if hes saying :
"i want to please you...and help you through the trauma of waking up...it's ok..." and oh - (by the way...)
"hey that sure is a nice-sexy package ya got there bro..."
I'am standing there...
in the bodega kinda panicking and checking to see if i put my pajamas on my lower half or even if i was wearing clothes before i left the house and also kind of lost in the bodega guy's smile and soft boyish eyes...and sexy chest hair that seems to call me from his white, "counter-guy" shirt that he always wears...
and then i kinda start to remember the dream that i was having only a few moments ago when i was in bed kinda hard and aroused and forgetting that i had a body and dreamed of this life and this lifetime...
>>>then i start to wonder if indeed,
that i'am not still dreaming and at -- actually
home in bed >>>
perhaps dreaming that i went to the store naked...and i don't know --
i really don't know for a second if i'am awake or not...
naked or not...
in bed or not or in the actual store and like i said having a dream that i'am in the store...
in any event ->>>>
i look down and see that - thank god -- i do have some clothes on, yes- i'am in my pajamas -- at the store -- and then suddenly i'am releived and kind of over-whelmed by everything and i simply blurt out:
"ur coffee sucks!!....i hate to say it...
but starbukks is Better...Man...!!!"
long pause...
for a brief second the entire store turns around and looks my way-->>> then most of them see that i'am in a pair of blue, ralph lauren -- "polo" pajamas...that "eric" bought for me when i was bed-ridden for six months after being in the hospital...
long silence...
long pause...
i kinda throw my hands in the air - as if to say or explain...
"ah i'am having a weird day...ah minute here..."
but to the on lookers now staring at me that seems obvious...and then everyone goes back to buying things and reading the papers...
"ah, ok ---your blowing it...bro..." i mumble to myself...
while picking up the pack of smokes from the counter...
"yeah your coffee fucking sucks -- man..."
and then I have...a "total recall" of last nights sleep - time - dreamtime...
I'am dazed for a minute and realize that i have to get back to my apartment immediately...
because the dream is flashing off in my mind's eye...
i'am having a flash back so to speak...
atleast - i think i'am...
and it is flashing in my mind's eye...before me...annoucing itself as I pay for my cigs and ask for a free cup of coffee...because i've paid for so many "bad" cups of coffee -
the counter guy puts a cup of coffee on the counter and says...
"ok -- it's ok. here ya go: today your coffee is free..."
he tries to steady me with his eyes - and quell my panic and it works...
ok.
it's gonna be ok...
i return home and sit in my kitchen lighting the first of many cigarettes of the day...
i feel safe again and happy that i did not, in fact, go outside naked or was not dreaming of being naked - outside....and that it was just another "normal" day in my strange life and that i was -- "ok..."
i scan the clock hanging on the wall...
it's actually 12:35 in the afternoon...
the clock in the kitchen:
just one of the 70 - 80 time pieces i have around my apartment:...
I have watches, clocks and time pieces everywhere in my smallish studio apartment...
a new visitor to my apartement always comments on this aspect of who i'am and why i have so many timepieces...
TIMEPIECES:
I guess it's like a fetish of mine -- i want to be able to look anywhere in my apaprtment and see a clock or watch ticking away -- why >? you might rightfully ask ?
well, lets just say the better part of my childhood seemed so unbearable >>
two near-death experiences beofre i was 13 among other things...
that i grew to love and hate the master of "time" here...
in order to survive -- and not fully - truly self destruct --
i decided that nothing could last forever...
a sort of internal mantra of:
"whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger..."
before i encountered the writings of albert camus...who said the original quote...
the ticking clocks and watches all remind me that:
at some point or time in the future:
"this too shall pass..."
and that i'll get to go "home" someday...to my beloved on the "other-side..."
i guess the ticking time pieces prove that "time" here is precious...that life here is not to be endured or mastered but simply experienced and then...forgotten or not...
there is no "time" as we know it here - on the other side...
it is indeed - an invention of man --
walking back to my apartment - in the street i wonder if maybe..."irish boy" might be around to give me a morning release...(after all, life is but a dream...and it could happen twice...right?)
but he does not appear...
then the dream from last night comes to me again...
last night -- i dreamt of jake, my cousin...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
i have had a few dreams that I'll never forget.
>>years ago I had a dream that i was teaching people to levitate cars... >>> four of them, rising into the air at the command of my raised open palms...i'll never forget that dream...because it semmed so real...
In alot of my dreams - most of my dreams -
I'am powerful...and all knowing, like some awesome - (queer) - super hero -- ready to save the world...
but
then in my "waking life" i'am a bumbling -- absent-minded, kind of "spaced out" -- "not there" : dark - depressed sort of -- >>>george-clooney/woddy allen...hybrid...
kind of like the hot gay porn star and the high shcool nerd blended and shaken...
most of the time i remember my dreams.
i dream alot of flying like "Neo" in the "Matrix" movies.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
end of part one ------------------->>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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